17 August 2008

on being wholly healthy

This morning has been a productive morning.  I've been thinking and I thought that I'd share some of those thoughts with you.  This is a portion of what I've written in my hand-written journal.

"I'm understanding that I've abandoned myself in some ways and have not valued my worth enough to be here for me and not to fade into the background and not attract attention cuz putting others ahead of me seemed more important; like that was showing support, encouragement, and acceptance.

"I'm sorry that I have abandoned my self in those ways.  I do think that over the past two and a half years that I have reconnected and been more mindful of my own self, my thoughts, my feelings, etc.

"The notion of abandonment is new to me, but I can clearly see how that has been such an important part of me in so many ways on so many levels.

"Isn't that really what it's all about?  Reclaiming those abandoned parts to become a healthy whole?"

I've not felt very comfortable with notion of abandonment, because somehow I was thinking that it was like being dropped off in the desert and being alone and never found again.  That's why I say that it is new to me.  Cuz I've been thinking and redefining my view to understand that abandonment and neglect are not always so obviously drastic.  Neglect doesn't mean that you are locked in the shed for months at a time.  Neglect can also mean not having your needs met in other ways too.  And abandonment can mean so much more besides death by desert.

I see how I've abandoned my self in many ways.  I'm not mad at me, I'm a bit sad.  But I don't feel pressure to quick! right that wrong.  Partly because I understand why I did some of the fracturing that I did.  I know why I abandoned my self in certain ways, cuz at the time, that's what I needed to do to get thru.  And I do understand that I've been working to become more whole and healthy, and reintegrate those parts that have long been standing alone.  I just hadn't thought of it as regreeting, reclaiming, welcoming, loving, caring, supporting, accepting, encouraging, those abandoned parts into my self.

food for thought.

I've been doing ok this morning.  Been thinking lots, puzzling stuff out.  I'm ok with that.  I feel like not to do so when I want to would be even more dangerous.  Like shoving those thoughts out of consideration would worsen the situation, creating more chaos than if I pay attention and be considerate to those parts and thoughts when I am thinking of them.  Ya know?


  1. You are such a wise woman.   Very proud of you DEBS.  Anne

  2. I'm proud of ya lil nut. Keep up the good work!

  3. I do know.  And each time you let us in to the intimate thoughts you are thinking I am reminded of just how inteligent and thoughtful you are.  It is good that you are thinking more about giving some of you TO YOU.

  4. You're doing some important writing there.  Keep it up!


  5. When I was raising my daughter a friend once told me, if a child is old enough to ask about certain things, they're old enough to know. I look at it the same way with certain feelings that arise from time to time. If your feeling them and the questions are there about your life ( all that introspecting I do), then it's time to evaluate them and deal with them. You've been insightful with your writings lately.

    As for abandonment of one self...yes, it's possible. I did it when I went deaf for a while. I couldn't see how who I was fit in with my deafness. The reality was the deafness didn't need to change me, I needed to make it a part of who I already was. Your in my thoughts dear friend. I'm always an email away should you need to talk. (Hugs)Indigo


Thanks for taking the time and effort to let your thoughts be known!