17 August 2008
on being wholly healthy
This morning has been a productive morning. I've been thinking and I thought that I'd share some of those thoughts with you. This is a portion of what I've written in my hand-written journal.
"I'm understanding that I've abandoned myself in some ways and have not valued my worth enough to be here for me and not to fade into the background and not attract attention cuz putting others ahead of me seemed more important; like that was showing support, encouragement, and acceptance.
"I'm sorry that I have abandoned my self in those ways. I do think that over the past two and a half years that I have reconnected and been more mindful of my own self, my thoughts, my feelings, etc.
"The notion of abandonment is new to me, but I can clearly see how that has been such an important part of me in so many ways on so many levels.
"Isn't that really what it's all about? Reclaiming those abandoned parts to become a healthy whole?"
I've not felt very comfortable with notion of abandonment, because somehow I was thinking that it was like being dropped off in the desert and being alone and never found again. That's why I say that it is new to me. Cuz I've been thinking and redefining my view to understand that abandonment and neglect are not always so obviously drastic. Neglect doesn't mean that you are locked in the shed for months at a time. Neglect can also mean not having your needs met in other ways too. And abandonment can mean so much more besides death by desert.
I see how I've abandoned my self in many ways. I'm not mad at me, I'm a bit sad. But I don't feel pressure to quick! right that wrong. Partly because I understand why I did some of the fracturing that I did. I know why I abandoned my self in certain ways, cuz at the time, that's what I needed to do to get thru. And I do understand that I've been working to become more whole and healthy, and reintegrate those parts that have long been standing alone. I just hadn't thought of it as regreeting, reclaiming, welcoming, loving, caring, supporting, accepting, encouraging, those abandoned parts into my self.
food for thought.
I've been doing ok this morning. Been thinking lots, puzzling stuff out. I'm ok with that. I feel like not to do so when I want to would be even more dangerous. Like shoving those thoughts out of consideration would worsen the situation, creating more chaos than if I pay attention and be considerate to those parts and thoughts when I am thinking of them. Ya know?