16 August 2008

it happened anyway

Today started off quite well.  By noonish tho I was beginning to have a hard time.  And I tried to be there for it.  But it escalated.  By mid-afternoon, I was writing and eMail to my counselor {she's on maternity leave, that baby is due any day now! but she wants me to eMail whenever I'd like, cuz she knows that writing is thinking for me, and that way she knows where I am at in this mess}.  By about 3p, my heightened anxiety burst into panic.  And for the next three hours, I had constant panic; it'd finally back off so I could breathe and two minutes later it would escalate into full-fledge panic.  So finally around 6p or so, I called my counselor and apologized for disturbing her and she was very reassuring.  Especially because she knows how abandonment issues have been problematic for me in the past; and this?  This whole thing of his abandonment, and how he did this, and the timing, and all that just triggered lots of other stuff that we haven't really worked on before cuz we were focusing more on current and future stuff.  So, today was pretty rough, cuz I did everything right, and nothing wrong, and I never was demanding and was always supportive and accepting adn it happened anyway.

It happened anyway.

I know that sometimes the mind is so ready to move on, but the heart is still processing things.  I'd rather take the time now to be with my heart til it and my mind are on the same page.  Otherwise, the mind can invalidate the heart, rushing on and slapping a bandaid on this huge wound.  Only later to abscess and spread poison thru-out.  So even tho this is painful, I'd rather take the time and attention to scrub out all the gritty abrading so that I have a healthy wound to heal cleanly.  Cuz stifling pain can cause so much more suffering.

So, hopefully tomorrow will be a tad more bearable.  Please keep me in your thoughts.  please.thank.you.


  1. Sounds like you've got a good plan.
    Candles are lighting up now!
    Love you, lil nut,

  2. Panic disorders are tricky little bastards.  I know.  Thinking of you, Sweet Deb.


  3. Deb, my Sweet Girl ... you are so very smart.  Heal the whole package and then move on ... but those panic attacks ... they suck.  

    I want to call Your EX Guy my special name for him, but I'll do it quiety here at my desk.

    Virtual hugs are always here for you.  

  4. Even amidst the panic you managed to put your finger on what needs to be done. Trust me it's the right way to deal with it. I had a life time of slapping a bandaide on things and moving on. Only to have it bloom into someting later on that almost pushed me over the edge. Your heart is well aware it needs time to heal, to lose itself for awhile until it's ready to move on. One of my favorite sayings is to quiet your mind till you can listen to what your heart desires. Easier said than done. In this case I truly believe your heart is the wiser of the two. Your in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

  5. You have to take however long it takes for you to feel better.  Some people can move on almost instantaneously...others take much longer.  Don't feel bad about that Deb.  When your ready to move on, you will.
    Sending you big hugs...


Thanks for taking the time and effort to let your thoughts be known!