In memory of...

Tomorrow will mark five years since my mother died.  Yesterday marked fourteen years since my husband's first wife had died.  In a few days, it will mark four years since my husband's mother died.  It's a bittersweet week for us.

In all the cases, the death was actually a bit of a relief because the dying was painful to witness, let alone to actually experience.  That didn't make the grief experienced any lighter or less significant for those who loved so intensely that the absence of that person was and is felt so keenly.  Dying is difficult for those engaged in that process; death is difficult for those left behind, still living, missing those who've died.

My husband always takes the time to reflect on what Sue meant to him, how they were married for 29 yrs, raising five children into young adulthood, and other aspects of their life together.  I think that this is very important to do, when Jerry feels like it.  I know that Sue is a huge part of his life; she was there for all of his Coast Guard career, a fair portion of his career at Mississippi State University, through all of the babyhood, toddler years, childhood, teens, and into young adulthood for their children; through all the joys and hurts and laughter and tears for their family together and their own families of origin thru those years, almost three decades of intimately knowing each other and loving and living their lives together as a couple. 

Those are times that continue to exist, even as they are in the past, because memories bring those experiences and emotions to life, yet again.

My mother lived nearby the last two and half years of her life.  Those were my favorite years with her.  I was able to spend time with her, get to know her and relate to her, both of us being adults.  We were able to make new memories and those are some of my most treasured involving her.

I've mentioned before that she died of congested heart failure and have explained what that is in great detail, so I won't dwell on it here; except to say that is the same condition her own mother had at the time of her death too.  Heart disease is prevalent in the maternal side of my family, with my uncle having had bypass when he was in his early thirties.  Diabetes makes a strong presence in both my maternal and paternal sides of my family, as well as the associated comorbidities like high cholesterol, high triglycerides, obesity, and other conditions that cascade into other health complications until the complexities become the main focus of daily life for those individuals, consuming them so much that depression often adds to the entire mess, bringing along with it a whole slew of dimensional anxieties that cannot be easily addressed as they are integrated throughout every other aspect of  their lives and those around them are affected in many ways as well.

Fortunately my mom was able to keep a well balanced perspective on life in general and her health particularly.  She did not become depressed, altho all the other conditions were present, including hypertension.  After her cardiac arterial double bypass grafting, a couple weeks before her death, mom had talked with me about the need to get my weight under control, because she knew that this very thing that she was then experiencing lay in my own future, not all that far away.

Yet even tho I knew that, I gained about another fifty pounds within the next six months and kept that weight on for the next five years.  This was despite the many attempts to address it.  This made me even more likely to develop the complications which high risk stage three obesity brings, as I was about 280 pounds and extremely frustrated with my failures to change my path for the future.

So seven weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery, electing to go with gastric bypass {Roux-en-Y, which also called RnY} over other methods of surgery.  I can tell a difference in the way my joints are relieved and no longer experiencing constant discomfort.  I breathe much easier, without quite as much constriction.  I have more energy, I'm sleeping better, and am not battling pervasive exhaustion.  This morning, when I stepped on the scale, I was about fifty pounds lighter than I've been for about five years.

I'm back to about the weight I was when my mother spoke with me after her heart surgery.  I know I've a long way to go yet.  This does feel like I'm moving in the right direction.  To me, this particular time feels meaningful in oh! so many ways.

Perhaps if you too are missing someone this holiday season, you can enjoy the memories and find your own meaning that will help to bring peace for you too.

Hello, December!

Being that my husband's and my tenth wedding anniversary was only two weeks out from my RnY, I was not the perkiest person around.  We'd had gone to Memphis and did tootle around town and did the things we wanted to do, even if the days were unseasonably cold for the end of October, which contributed to me feeling even more sluggish and slow.  Picture my husband with his gimp leg and aching joints moving slowly and somewhat painfully with a sloth~speed wife who was even blinking slowly.  We were a comical pair, however unintentional.

So Jerry had suggested that on November 30th, we have another celebration of our anniversary.  So as that day grew closer, I was giving thought to how we would spend the day.  At first, we were going to go to an area event, but then as the forecast showed storms and the vegan event was outside, I nixed those plans.

Finally, we decided to go out for lunch and then watch some movies together.  However, I was not quite up to heading out yesterday, all cuddling warm and comfy and not up to braving the storms and post Thanksgiving traffic of impatient shoppers.  So he made me baked tilapia instead, which was better than most restaurants would have been serving anyway.

We watched "Yesterday", an excellent movie about a man who after an accident remembers things that have not occurred and don't exist in his new reality.  Things like CocaCola, cigarettes, and the Beatles.  There are some life lessons that he learns along the way, that are not drummed into us, the viewers, but are subtle in the way that life actually does occur.

Then after that, we watched "Mary Poppins Returns", which was delightful and even better than I had thought it could be.  Emma Blunt is perfectly suited for Mary Poppins and delivers a solid performance, embodying all the characteristics we've come to associate with Mary Poppins.  Spit spot!

Affinity, based on the novel by Sarah Waters, was next up.  It does not have closed caption, so there were a few places I had to rewatch a scene or two so that I could be sure that I didn't miss anything that might be crucial later on.  It is set in Victorian London, so there were a few things that my husband asked about, as customs are very different here and now.  The movie was very good, but then again, I expected it to be:  how can you go wrong with Sarah Waters?

I continued to knit while we watched both the Dark Knight and the Dark Knight Rises.  I was very surprised at how much I enjoyed them, the storylines were well told and developed, the movies were well cast, and I was ready for another sequel.  But that was the end of Christopher Nolan's batman trilogy.

It was a good day, comfortable and content.  I managed to get my eight hours of solid sleep thru the night, with the exception being just before waking this morning, when I had the odd dream that was bound to cause some slight anxiety to my dream~self as it involved folks being perturbed with me over events I could not control, that I was not even involved with, and that hadn't actually happened in real life but that obviously had in the dream world.  As I was waking, I felt a huge sense of relief as I thought, "a year or so ago, I would have woken in a panic, now it's mostly annoyance I feel".

Today is the first of December.  Tho it is rather warm out today, tomorrow will prove to be a bit chillier with tomorrow evening dropping into the teens.  That's downright cold no matter where you are!  But it's all the more so for Mississippi as we spend the majority of our year in warmer temps and it feels like anything much cooler than midSixties is sweater weather, or at least a light jacket.

Most universities and colleges are wrapping up their fall terms and students are preparing to return home for a few weeks on winter holidays.  School children {and let's face it, teachers too} are counting down the days til christmas break, which for Mississippi will begin on or around December 20th.  And shoppers are well aware that there are only a few weeks before Christmas.

Office parties and other social engagements are beginning to happen in a flurry, with a few fundraisers and gala events squeezed in here and there.  Churches have set out their nativity scenes and are set to perform plays, concerts, and the like.  Cell phones are buzzing with the final arrangements of family dinners and so forth.

In the hustle and bustle of all this, and lots more like cards and packages clogging the USPS bags and vehicles, a ton of travelers worry about the weather conditions and whether their flights will be grounded, and oh so much more; many of us will lose our focus, our intention, and our tempers.  Mixed emotions seem to rule the season's greetings as we want to feel peace and joy, but are often annoyed and saddened instead.

Waves of compassion are needed for most of us as we go about our days, stepping thru landmine fraught circumstances and events.  Compassion for ourselves as we do face tricky situations, reminders, and so forth.  Compassion for others as they too are facing their own turmoil, of which we may know very little or nothing.

This month brings births and deaths, sadness and joy, renewal and exhaustion, and so much more.  We feel an ending of another year passing and reviewing our goals for the year, most of us will feel disappointed with ourselves that we didn't accomplish more.  But some of us will be celebratory of reaching and surpassing our goals, of knowing that we did a lot more this year than we might at first give ourselves credit for, of looking forward to spending these last few weeks of this year in the ways we want and carrying forward into the new year our eagerness toward all the possibilities that await.  Some of us know that the many changes of this year that occurred within and around us brought about more personal growth and a more intimate knowledge of ourselves and loved ones, as we've moved on from hurtful relationships, strengthened existing relationships, and forged new relationships.  Some of us have continued to exist, some of us have flourished, and some of us have ground ourselves into a rut of dissatisfaction that will continue until we changes something.

This month, in so many ways, is not different from any other month.  Unless we assign it meanings that make it stand out in various ways.  Most of us will forget that, and feel that these meanings and moments exist outside of us, that we have nothing to do with how we perceive them because this day marks the anniversary of this death, or because that day means that we must encounter this unpleasant person, or because this other day means that these memories will arise and consume us, or because that other day means that we must do this or that.  But in truth, we do get to perceive of each of these days and events, situations, and so forth in whatever way we ultimately choose to do so.  Even if we think that is not so, that IS our choice, too.

So, slow down, breathe, pause, be still.  Give these things thought.  And you decide how you proceed.