Shame and Blame

"because there was a pervasiveness to the unhealed trauma that we all carried, our relationship never felt as deep or authentic as we wanted. There were countless ways in which we continued to reenact that trauma, by harming each other as well as ourselves."

          ~~Waging NonViolence's We need to build a movement that heals our nation’s traumas by Kazu Haga 

Shame is a horrible feeling, to inflict on ourselves and others.  It can create huge fractures and fissures that become faults which lie beneath the surface of our relationship with ourselves and with others.  Brené Brown speaks to shame and the devastating shunning that some ONE can do to themselves by allowing that shaming judgment to continue to exist, by creating a division in which a person shuns a part of themselves, scolding and chiding, pushing it away, ignoring it, as tho that part does not exist, and a person cannot fully love themselves or even accept themselves completely, if they are labeling that part as bad, or weak, or shameful.  That shame resurfaces and resurfaces stronger the more you try to quash it and deny it.

There are ways to examine those parts of yourself that you may have been ashamed of, that are nonjudgmental and involve a huge amount of compassion, curiosity, and kindness.  If you are struggling with a shameful part, then perhaps seek assistance, someone who is trained to help you navigate your way toward healing and developing a healthier relationship with your whole self so that you can have healthier relationships with others as well.  Otherwise, you will most likely stay engaged in the cycle, the rut, that is wearing you down.  You will continue to experience negativity within yourself and continue to perceive interactions as negative, even if the other person is not acting in such a matter.  And you will continue to engage with others who do pass judgment and attempt to shame you and others.  Nothing good has ever come of shame, as the very nature of shame is to generate more and more negativity.

Shame is a very different beast than guilt.  Guilt is something you can learn from, it is something you can accept and yet still move on to do better next time.  Guilt allows you to hold yourself accountable, for you to acknowledge that you are responsible for whatever it is that you are guilty of, and then to correct your mindset, your behavior, and do better in the future.  Good things can come of guilt, of you recognizing that this occurred, that you did such and such, and that it was hurtful, to yourself and possibly to others, depending on what action that was.

Some feel shame not for an action they themselves are guilty of, but for something done to them.  They may feel like that would not have happened if they were stronger, or less weak, or not so vulnerable, or if they had kept their guard up...as tho they allowed this unspeakable act to occur to them, that they are so ashamed of and must now ignore; blaming themselves in some way for some hideous treatment they've received and can barely bring themselves to face because of the deepseated shame they reexperience.

Silent secrecy is a hallmark of shame.  This is a strong reason why I urge you to seek a trained therapist who can provide you with the safe space to speak, to work thru your own thoughts and feelings surrounding that, and who can help you navigate the hard work that building and healing your relationship with yourself and others.

Not everyone deserves to hear your story, your tender vulnerability, because not everyone is trustworthy and able to contribute to your healing.  Some will hurt you, or are not in a safe place themselves, or are unable to hear you because they themselves are thrown off balanced and into a pit of despair and anger or other knee jerk reactions are triggered and so are unable to provide a safe space for you while holding themselves in a centered fashion that is necessary in order to truly allow you to work thru your grievances.  So choose wisely to whom you seek solace and succor, healing and health development.

Knee~Jerk Reactions

 Recently this article was shared with me and I've been reading and reading it, thinking a lot about some of the points that it discusses, and sharing the article itself and some of my thoughts with others.  Sometimes we have a dialogue, yes.  But at this point, it's mostly me thinking things thru for me.  As writing is a form of thinking for me, I thought it would be good to do so here, in this blog format.

There are many points to consider, so I plan to take it slowly, and most likely in the order of the thoughts that are occurring as the article progresses.  But before I begin to examine that, let me say this...

For me, knee jerk reactions of protestations, anger flare ups, hurt cries, or other forms of lashing out usually are my cues that there is a nerve or even a bundle of nerves being trod upon or otherwise inflamed.  When I experience them, I usually catch myself and think, "hold up here, debRAHHH, what'd going on with you?".  Chances are that there is some issue that is ready to be dealt with rather than quashed down, shoved aside, or otherwise shunned and ignored.  Often the first reaction is a protective part that is masking a deeper more complex set of stuffs within me that I might need to set with, really examine, or may even need assistance with doing so.  For me, that assistance often comes in the form of a Licensed Professional Counselor, who is trained, qualified, and has the experience to be objective, compassionate, and hold the space for me to process this in a safe place while knowing that I can be me, fully allowing myself to express myself without filters and knowing that my own wobbly offcentered hurt or anger or shame will not pull her into reacting along with me in hurtful, angry, or shaming ways.  She stays centered in self, helping me to navigate the teetering process of regaining my own balance and coming to a better understanding of myself and the world around me.  It's been a huge piece of my growing process and while at times it can be oh so messy and painful, it has been worth every kicking, screaming moment because most of the times now, I experience so much more joy in life, more content satisfaction in the present with less overall tension, anxiety, worry, panic, depression, and more meaningful contentment, health, and peace of mind.

There are many forms of assistance that also helps me in this process, including my loved trusted friends and partners, such as my husband, several friends, and a few groups which are focused on healing, health, or some particular aspect such as better communication.  It truly does take a village.  Yet there are times when I do fumble, stumble, inflicting pain on both myself and others.  Sometimes that takes a lot of reparations, authentic apologies, and damage control afterwards, when I am able to do so.

Sometimes I need to pause and question how much of the hurt others are experiencing is something I can claim tho, because I am not responsible for someone else and how they choose to act or react.  While there is no doubt that I might influence or affect them, often it is their attitude and mindset that already exists that is providing their filters thru which they are viewing my words, deeds, and so forth.  I can choose my own words and actions carefully, yes; ultimately tho, it is still that person's choice and not mine.  I control my own though and behavior only, which means that I can only be responsible for my own acts and reactions.

This has been something that I repeatedly learn and relearn because I often feel responsible for another person's upset with me.  I may think, "what did I do wrong?" or say wrong or should I have said or done this instead or perhaps not said or done anything.  I begin to doubt myself and second guess.

While checking to be sure that I am in a healthy space, that I am being authentic, that my motivations and intentions are good, and so forth can be extremely important to provide myself with checks and balances, I need to be careful that I don't then slide from the positive healthy place of practicing these things to then go into a unhealthy counterproductive place of thinking that somehow I am control or am responsible for another.  Because that is usually what it boils down to, most of our disagreements, conflicts, and confrontations...for both those within ourselves and with others, at either a one on one personal relationship or the grander larger scale of being a part of a group, community, or even the USAmerican society or human race in general.

Sometimes, the most useful question to ask to determine whether I am being authentic is am I trying to fit in or am I belonging.  Am I acting in accord to how my true self at the core is or am I lashing out in hurt and anger, or trying to fit into this group by acting in a manner that I think will be perceived in a way that they will find appealing so they will like me or that I will gain what I want, which tends to be acceptance and belonging? 

Most of us long for true acceptance and belonging.  And to get there, to truly do that, it starts within ourselves.  And that is an excellent place to begin this article's discussion, which will be continued in the next post...

Venerating Our Veterans

Some of my clearest memories of Veterans' Day are watching my father bear a flag, in the parade, up East Main Street's rather steep hill to the old cemetery at the very top for the ceremony that would follow.  Every year thru my teens, at 11:11a on 11/11, the area vets would being to march from the parking lot at the Catawissa VFW and head up thru town with dignity, receiving much respect from onlookers.  My father is a Vietnam Vet, and like many who served there, had gone to do his patriotic duty and then quickly grew disillusioned, horrified, and has struggled with internal conflict for decades since then.  There is a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, and jaded sourness.

So when I was growing up, my own views were shaped by watching him and listening to family discussions revolving around critical thinking, questioning, not blindly accepting, etc.  Anti-establishment was one way to describe it accurately.  I've a healthy dose of skepticism that can veer wildly into the unhealthy realm in a heartbeat.

When I met my husband, I learned a LOT about career military from an insider's perspective.  This family is well on its way to being a military family, as both my husband and his youngest son are longhaulers and I have a feeling that several of the grands will choose to enlist as well.  I've gained a fuller appreciation of what exactly the Coast Guard does, and what their spouses and families experience.

And I have to say, wow.  Kudos to our military families.  While I do think that we can streamline and more effectively spend our funds for the military, I am so impressed with what it is they do and how they do it that I do question what else it is that I think I know, that I really don't have an accurate picture of.

Thank you, to all our Veterans.

Lil Debbie Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote. See Lil Debbie Vote? She Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote!

 Ah, November, of which I have been a proud baby since 1970.  Yes, that means that in just two weeks, I complete my fiftieth year and celebrate my birthday.  But why wait for a day?  I've been celebrating for a year!

I kicked off the last full year of my fourth decade with gastric bypass surgery, read more about that in the last several posts, if you like.  This morning, I weighed 158, which is in the same territory as my husband, who stays between 155 and 160 pounds.  I'm wearing smalls in some tops and mediums in other styles.  The pants could be size medium, sixteens if jeans, or 34s if in inches~~different manufactures measure differently.

This picture is of me at age four; it was my maternal grandmother's favorite picture of me.  That blue sweatshirt was my favorite at the time and so were the plastic yellow barrettes.  The full picture shows my elbows sitting on a carpeted photographer's stand with my lower arms crossed in front of me and my hands unclasped.  I think I remember the photographer arranging them and then commanding, DON'T MOVE.  And I didn't.  Except to smile, cuz that's what you do for pictures, debRAHHH.  And you do what you're told.

At that time, I was Debbie to most and Little Debbie to my paternal grandfather, who always reminded me that Lil Debbie owned her own bakery and worked hard and had cupcakes and other goodies.  I was puzzled about why he bought Archway's soft cookies in packs of nine then.  Did Lil Debbie do something wrong?  Did her cupcakes and cookies not measure up?

I was sure that they got it wrong, because the girl pictured on those boxes of individually wrapped goodies had dark curls, wore a straw hat, and looked nothing like me.  Well, she was white and she smiled, but that's about it.  I looked more like the Sunbeam Girl, pictured on the loaf of bread's sleeve.  She was blonde, bareheaded, and her curls were not natural.  She wore blue, albeit a dress, and smiled, looking positively ecstatic about the buttered slice of white bread she was holding.  SHE was Debbie, I was sure.  I mean, I wore blue, and my favorite dress-for-good dress was blue.  And mommy sometimes curled my hair when I wore that dress.  Therefore, it was the Sunbeam Bread Girl whose name was Debbie, like me.

That's the sort of reasoning we engage in when we are four.  Or thereabouts.

But when you grow up and your brain fully develops, you have gained some life experiences.  Hopefully, you gain some knowledge from reading; you do read, I mean, look, here you are reading this post!  Let's not forget that you also learn from observing others' experiences.  That is assuming that you actually learn from others' experiences and don't need to go do the same things to learn the lessons first hand, recreating the wheel as it were; some actions have the same results no matter who does them, when, where, or how often.  You and I and pretty much everyone else are capable of thinking, processing, and predicting.

You know that chances are that the girls pictured on the products do not own the companies, nor the bakeries, nor did they wrap those goodies up.  While they might eat them, they probably don't look thrilled each time they see a slice of bread or open a Swiss Roll with the weirdly waxy chocolate colored shell.  In fact, you might even realize that there is a strong likelihood neither are named "Debbie".

But you probably don't waste time thinking about such matters, because you probably don't care.  Well, not about those products, on that level.  They just are not worth your time, energy, or effort.

So let's briefly focus on something that is worth your effort, a product that does affect you on all sorts of levels, in all sorts of ways.  Candidates for governmental positions, the folks who may represent YOU and your vote, the people who decide on laws and interpret policy to then build onto, thru amendments.  This might be your local governments such as mayor, aldermen, or city council.  It could be the state's senate or governor and so forth.  And for sure the representatives you send to Washington as well as the President of the United States of America.

If you are like me, you've pretty much stayed away from the news, other forms of media, and televised debates in the interest of maintaining sanity and keeping a cool head.  If you have been fully engrossed and engaged with the political scene and all its pundits, reactions, and reactions to those reactions, bless you.  I'm sure that you have a ton of thoughts to process, observations to weigh, and decisions to make.

There are many places here online to see what's on your ballot and then work backwards to see what each candidate stands for, how they have voted in the past, and what they are saying they are likely to do in the future.  Here are two that I will be looking at for information so that I can walk into the volunteer firehall about a mile down the road and place my votes with more confidence in all open options:  Vote.Org and Ballotpedia.Org

Decide what is important to you, your core values, your preferences, your perspectives and views.  Consider your options.  Look past the branding and glossily slick images of downhome, aw shucks family photos, sweaters or power ties and stern faces meant to convey serious decisiveness.  That's packaging meant to sell you a product.

Consider the actual product, the person, the candidate.  What are their stated views?  Do their voting history and actions support that?  If no, why not?  Really take a look and consider the options here, not just 'well, the other side wouldn't get onboard'.  What sort of experience do they have and why/how is that important to you?  Are they likely to do what they say they will or what their history has shown to be so?  Don't just consider that one time back in 19xx, but review their usual trend.  What is the reasoning they cite for their current action {or inaction}?  Is that likely to be something that you feel comfortable with continuing?  And every step of the way, think about your own values and opinions.  Is this candidate representing YOU?

You probably already know whom you will vote for as President.  That might be based on a wide plethora of factors that you feel strongly about.  But what about all the other positions and races that are on the ballot?  Have you considered them?  What about the measures and proposed codes that are on the ticket this time?

I know some have already cast their vote, good on you.  I know that polls are going to be fraught with tension, lines, wait time, etc.  Go vote anyway.  Be patient.  Stand in line.  Be kind.  Keep a cool head.  It's ok to read your book while in line, to talk to your neighbor, to meditate, to review your list of to dos, to create your next design, to do oh so very much while waiting in line.  Keep your mask on, properly {over the nose, folks, please, most of moist, warm air you exhale is filled with a variety of germs, toxins, and eliminated waste; this is the season of colds and covid and other contagions, oh! my!  be considerate of others and reduce the potential spread, in this case, please do NOT share the moist warm air, thanks!}.  Let tensions flow and ebb AROUND you, instead of swallowing that and letting those tensions affect you.  And vote.

Vote.
Vote.
Vote.