02 May 2007


I love peace and quiet.  Noises tend to startle me and I often slip away, when surrounded by harsh sounds.  Dissociating is something that I have to work hard against, sometimes more so than others.  At times, I fall away before I realize it, and am no longer present in the moment.  I've been doing better over the past few years, in some ways cuz I have isolated in many ways.  There are those few times when I surround myself with sounds, by choice.  But most of the time, chaos adds to my anxiety.  Usually, I know now when I am having an exceptionally rough time, and am more vulnerable to triggers that are best avoided.  It is at those times being home, in the relative solitude is a solace to me.  I'm learning to know myself and listen to myself more and more, trusting and respecting me.  It is so very wonderful that I have a loving supportive guy who encourages me, praises me, and comforts me.  Thank you, sweetie, for being you!

01 May 2007


I've been feeling a great amount of anxiety for a sustained amount of time.  The times when I am able to still focus on other things and function to some degree are becoming fewer and fewer.  I had thought that I was making some positive strides.  Now, I'm not so sure, because I feel sucker-punched to the gut with a huge cannon ball.  I know that these things happen and that I'll land on my feet.  But right now, all those notions seem lame and trite.

Several times in the past week, I've only slept for a few hours at most, to be jolted awake and unable to rest again.  I feel tremendously jittery and exhausted and I hate, hate, hate being stuck in this quagmire.

My counselor and I have been dealing with some tough issues for months now and taking a break is necessary but not happening because I can't seem to get my ducks in a row to do that.  When I'm on, I'm really quite alright.  But I'm off-kilter so often and so easily here of late that it is having wear and tear on me.

This is awful.