Fitting~In versus Belonging

Brene Brown talks about the difference between fitting~in and belonging.  Fitting in with a group entails you observing the rules, the attitudes, the behaviors, the clothing, the appearances, the speech habits, etc of this group so that you can modify your own appearances so that you are outwardly similar to others in the group.  Fitting in can really separate you from yourself.  You end up denying and shunning, cutting off parts of yourself so that you can fit in.  This makes you more disconnected from yourself, from your full self.

Belonging is the wholehearted true acceptance of you as your authentic true self as you are, as you were, as you are going to be.  When you accept all of you, each part of you, the inner you as well as the outer you, the true you; you are more connected to you, yourself.  It makes you more confident, more able to be the person you are regardless of comparison to others, how others see you, or think you should be.  This makes it much easier for you to be your true self and you accept yourself, it makes it clearer for others to see you for who you are and how you show up and are seen.

This does allow you to find your tribe, for you to build your group of friends who truly accept you, and like you, and feel good around you, and encourage and support you, as you do the same.  But it starts with you accepting you.  Once you truly accept you, you can accept others too.  Like attracts like, so others who are like you will seek you too, not like you as in exactly you, but like you as in accepting of themselves too.

Which leads me to this:

The Weight of Ink

During this past month, I've read quite a few newer books that have made the various book lists of recommended read, best of, and so forth.  NPR has had an annual list of hundreds of titles for years now, but for some reason I've only recently noticed it.  Usually, I don't feel I need recommendations because I always have stacks and stacks that are in this room, that room, the other room, this book shelf, the head board shelves for my bed, on the three cedar chests, and so forth.  These are titles yet to be read, or reread because I loved them so the first time. Or second time.  Or every other time.

Jerry and I make use of our local library's consortium, requesting certain authors' works, or certain titles, or the next in the series, or what have you.  Given the nature of requests, transits, etc, it is not very predictable when which books might be arriving, or if they will be in order, or if they will come at all.  This means that sometimes, I read things out of order, whether that is by publishing date, written date, or series order, which are not necessarily the same things as each other..Terry Pratchett's Discworld series is a fine example of that.

I also listen to a vast amount of audios books, either thru Hoopla, streaming on my home computer, or listening in the car on CD.  Audio books are hard for Jerry to listen to, as he cannot always discern what is being said, versus just hearing a serious of lilting or droning sounds, but not the clear words.  It's too frustrating for him, so while I like Hoopla, Jerry doesn't use it often.  Check into it and see what you think, you might like it or not.  Chances are your local public library offers free access to Hoopla Digital as well.

We also browse thru the local library's free~table and fifty cent room, plus the once monthly Friends of the Library sale.  So our holdings are constantly expanding.  We've things loosely organized, in that way that we have general ideas where things are and yet, not exactly.  You probably can relate.

Then too, I use bookmooch  to list inventory of titles I own and don't mind if I part with.  Sometimes, Jerry and I find titles that we've been wanting to read or own there too.  It's a good service, check it out and see what you think.

Sometimes, I cannot remember why specifically I have requested a certain book, was it on a recommended list?  was the author mentioned in another book, article, list?  what rabbit hole did I pop down and end up with this or that?

Such is the case with The Weight of Ink by Rachel Kadish.  I cannot recall exactly why I had it marked on my wait list on hoopla, but now that I've begun to listen to it, I can tell that I will enjoy it very much.  It's highly detailed, about a subject I am not familiar with, but because it is so well explained and explored, I feel that the author has invited me along on a journey of discovery.  Kadish has proven that she can craft a tale with layers of intricacies.  Corrie James is the reader for this.  She's brilliant here and I can clearly see Maggie Smith as Helen Watt, the stern, precise, elderly, ailing, English historian introduced in the very beginning.

If you are interested in lengthy, dense historical fiction, do give this a try.

Embrace the Suck: yes, the situation is bad; but deal with it anyway.

"Pu'cher big boy pants on and suck it up," my friend used to say.  When I first met her, almost twenty years ago, she was a nurse and I was in awe of her bold, brassy, big personality.  She was outspoken and yet no one ever seemed to take offense to her bluntness.  Often, she would even get a laugh from a medically non-compliant patient, like the most sullen stubborn old man who had been whining about actually asking for help with an injection because he thought he might black out when trying to give himself the insulan.  There were times I'd listen to the low incessant drone of teen complaining about something or other and then clear as a bell, I'd hear her say, "yeah, that sucked, I'm sure; but, did it kill you?"  The momentary shocked silence would shatter when the kid's snort of laughter turned into a fit of coughs and without missing a beat, she'd say, "see?  THIS is why you shouldn't miss a scheduled dose of your meds even if it means looking like a wuss cuz you have to go visit the school nurse.  Oh lort, wouldn't want to go see a nurse now wou'ja?"  I just knew that she would be indicating her own uniform clad self, the blatant irony radiating down the hall from the triage room to the front office.

At the time, I was about to turn thirty; still trying to get my own feet under me so I could stand on my own and not worry about if I offended my partner, parent, friend, etc by expressing my differing opinion.  Still trying to find my own voice; rather, trying to find the strength to use that voice.  Often I'd let a moment of opportunity to voice my own thoughts slip by, because I was silently arguing with my self about whether that thought would be received well.  Eventually I realized that I was asking the wrong questions of myself and considering the wrong priorities.

Now, a year or two shy of fifty, I've got that internal conflict stuff mostly figured out.  Life is good and I rarely am completely paralyzed with anxiety over daily interactions and decisions.  I'm surrounded with good friends, including the bold woman from twenty years ago {who is very much still nursing, tho in a different context now}.  My support network is strong, reliable, and accepting of me.

But it wasn't easy, no stroll in the park getting from there to here {pointing a la Suess}.  I took a lot of punches, fell down lots, tripped over some obstacles, insisted on thrusting my fists against the post until eventually I admitted that perhaps there were better ways to do things that involved lots fewer bruises and other injuries to egos.  I grew up in lots of ways and realized that I was outgrowing some aspects of my life; needing to cut some draining folks and behaviors out of my life and move on.  At the time, it was scary, taking some of those steps, those awkward leaps that required me to leave some devils best known behind and venturing into some new territory that presented new challenges that required me to be brave and vulnerable, feeling the fear, yet doing it anyway.

Then too, there were many aspects that I just had to keep on ploughing thru; tucking my chin to chest and hoping that I didn't get too much shit down my collar.  Some consequences I didn't count on, some that I did that then fell thru.  Then too, there were a few curve balls that came zinging out of nowhere, it seemed, throwing me for not just a few loops, but entirely off course and changed my entire reality.  More than once.

My story is not so unique in the overarching generalities that you lose a few, ya win a few, sometimes the muck sucks, sometimes you're sitting pretty.  Lots of people struggle thru these same sets of obstacles and triumph on the other side.  There is no one path that works for everyone, just as there is no one solution that makes everyone happy.

My story, just as anyone's, is unique in the details.  The key is not to get lost in those details at the wrong times.  At this point in my life, I know without a doubt that this too shall pass and that all things are bearable, even when they seem not to be.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't suck in the moment.  But sometimes, ya have to embrace the suck and do it anyway.

Watch Carefully as POTUS Distracts the People

Power is often tied to a position of authority, such as president, police, or parent.  As a person in that position of authority, you must be cautious in how you wield that power that has been granted to that position.  If you always say, "because I said so" as justification for why others should respect your wishes, you may find that your constituents, community, or children begin to lose respect for you as a person, and also for the position.  Generally, people who abuse the power of the position risk losing respect from others, the very people who gave them that role.

The President of the United States of America has a tremendous amount of power.  Along with great power comes great responsibility.  The person filling that position has a constitutional obligation to see to the best interests of the People as a whole, by presiding over the executive branch of the federal government and by serving as Commander in Chief over the United States' Armed Forces.  There are over four million people actively employed within the executive branch, including those actively serving in the armed forces.

In Trump's blatant current power play of shutting down the government until his demands are met, he is demonstrating that not only is he not presiding responsibly over the executive branch nor the armed forces; but neither is Trump acting in the best interests of the rest of the 327 million People as a whole.  It is not clear to me why we the People continue to allow this man to preside over us.  One tactic that seems be used frequently is that by constantly instigating, inflating, and exaggerating crises, Trump and his ilk create distractions that do not allow any constructive, effective, or beneficial work to be done for, by, and of the People as a whole.

I've never had respect for Trump, as a person.  Yet I continue to respect the position of President.  I yearn for the day when a respectable person is in office once again.