31 July 2008

Meet Erhmah, the other ijit. sigh.

 Imma Ijit laughs at herself.  Erhmah?  She's small, not substantial, and quiet.  She'd like to fade away; shame and guilt and low self-worth and the worst self-esteem possible makes her very shaky.  She thinks she's always wrong, always not enough, and always ready to fade from existence.  She rarely smiles and rarely opens her eyes and lifts her head and meets folk's gazes.  She whispers and cringes and cowers.  I know this slip of a girl very very well.  Perhaps better than Imma.  Isn't that so very sad?  yeah.  yeah, i know.

oh that ripping wrath

Yeah, so yesterday, just as I was parking my car in front of my home, rain drops dribbled out of the swollen sky and I no sooner shut the door than the ripping overhead resulted in a huge deluge.  There was no thunder, there was no lightening.  There was however, wind and gales and all that other roaring tumultuousness.

I lost power, we all did, for over three hours.  A tree fell on the lines across the way.  The power company got out here in that wrathful weather and cut that tree up right away.  Of course, ten miles away in Starkville there was only calm dryness.

When I called my landlord to let her know that the water works is so backed up that my washer water is now draining into my toilet and my toilet is now draining into my tub {shudder}, she asked if I could stop by their place.  Now, my landlord is my neighbor, but the big house is about a mile from my home.  So, I hopped in my car and drove down.  I noticed that there were two very huge trees by where their mailbox used to be that were down.  And as I parked my car, I noticed that there were a total of five huge very old trees and a handful of smaller trees down.  Fortunately, no people were hurt, no equipment or possessions damaged.

I approached the big house with caution.  You may remember from past entries that they live in the oldest house in the county, which means that there are lots of very old trees close in to the house.  So I was worried that altho I didn't see any damage to the front of the house, that given how much damage to quite a few trees in the front area, that there must be trees down in the rear or sides.  But nope!  Their house is intact!  Yea!!

Since my landlord has a pyro-streak, I think he will be very happily burning trees for many months to come.  Then I had to go to town since I had an appt this afternoon, I kept my eyes open as I drove.  And on the other side of my place?  The entire tree line is down.  It looks like the gods were playing dominoes, the entire row lies nice and neat.

Unfortunately, the folks down the way, the ones that are building a new home?  Well, a good portion of the framing will need to be replaced.  Ouch.  At least, I don't think anyone was hurt.  whew.

'twas Rita Rudner, the mystery comedienne from a few entries back

  She's naked beneath her clothes.

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

  "Rita Rudner is a witty stand-up comedian with a pillow-soft voice, speaking softly and carrying a big shtick. Onstage, her act combines shrewd observations about life and the world with a demeanor that makes you want to help her across the street. When she performs live, the mistress of well-heeled understatement puts her unique spin on such topics as marriage, babies, dieting and, of course, men."

he's baaaaaaaaaaaack!

It's gonna take awhile of sketching til I get the hang of it again, it's been a year since I've done so.  Poor Le Mon, put aside, sigh.  Part of the reason I stopped drawing is because my sketching desk broke and I've not yet repaired it (need a drill and screws or small finishing nails and a nail gun~~a hammer would damage the surface further).

Special thanks to Russ

a quick sketch of Imma Ijit, cousin (I'm sure it's third or fourth cousin, five times removed or some such thing) with Le Mon.

just for today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and *not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.  *emphasis mine

For some reason, when I think about the second part of the above principle; I think of labor.  There was a comedienne who spoke about how there is no way she could even do something she really enjoyed for 36 hours straight and yet women willingly struggle thru intense pain to bring human life into this world and then say that it is pain that you forget.  Along those same lines of thought, I would not do something I love to do for twelve hours straight, so I don't feel at all bad about the fact that I may have to shorten that time period for now in order to get thru this colossal fuck-up.

The point is tho, that I can get thru the immediate future, without needing to plan out the rest of my life and how I will get thru that uncertain time-frame.  I do not tackle all my problems at once, even when there are all sorts of crises clamoring for attention right nowIt is good to have this reassurance reiterated.

{Special thanks to Anne, for reminding me that just for today is all I need address.}


I did not wake in to a progressing panic attack.  I'm not feeling completely calm, but comparatively?  I'll take it!  My lower torso is a stew of turmoil, but the embroilment is not so overwhelming and isn't infiltrating every other physical system (ya know, musculature, nervous, etc.) and my mind is not blown apart at this moment.  The noise of hurt, protestation, chiding, etc is still there, but has died down to a manageable level that allows me to be somewhat clear and able to function a bit better.

These last five days have been indescribable, altho I've attempted to use words to convey how I feel and think but there is not way to be adequate and yet, you have compassion and that is so very reassuring.  I appreciate you, dear loving loyal readers.  Thank you so very much for helping me remain sane while struggling thru this.

30 July 2008

writing is how i think

Speaking is how I act.  Acting is how I believe.  Believing is how I trust.  Trusting is how I love.  Loving is how I live.

If I want to be assured of intelligent conversation, I speak with myself, and answer.

{The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.} ~~ Coco Chanel

just for today

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me"

I'd like to be unafraid, unpanicked, unanxious, unterrified.  So, for right this minute, I'm ok.  That's all I can commit to for the time, in this matter.

sitting in suds in my sleep

I've been feeling rather discombobulated of late.  So this latest fubar didn't even ruffle my fine feathers.  I went back to the bathroom to switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer and I heard flowing water as I walked down the hall.  For a very disconcerting moment I thought The Guy was here and pee'ing in the potty.  But, no.  That would have been very surreal.   And just so very wrong.

Instead, my washer drained into my tub and filled my toilet.  Suds were dribbling over the rim of the porcelain, flowing down like a miniature fountain.  I simply sighed, turned off the valve for the toilet and left the room.

Tomorrow?  I'll have a very clean toilet.  Sudsy clean.

Just hope it drains down a bit so I don't sit in suds in my sleep tonight.

bathing in the comforting outpouring of concern

I am so thankful that I've discovered how compassionate folks are with me.  I was not aware that so many folks care and want to be there.  In addition to you, my dear lovely loyal readers, I've been getting some very warm and touching eMail and IMs.  I've spent more time on the telephone these last three days than I have in all of the last three years, with folks who are so very caring and concerned.  I would like to reiterate how very much I appreciate you.

Thank you.

ack, omg, ack, pantpant

I awoke in a sheer panic this morning.  I hate that.  It hasn't happened for quite some time, but it is one of the most dreaded feelings for me.  This is because my body is already well within the process of panicking when I first gain awareness and then my mind begins to scramble to be sure that I'm safe and not in immediate need of fight/flight.  Then, it doesn't not abate, and for quite some time afterwards, my nerves buzz and my blood boils and my innards imitate enthusiastically played accordions.

Most folks experience mental distress, which prompts the attack.  While I do have those sorts of episodes (anyone who has spoken with me the last few days has witnessed this, since I've been engaging in heavy breathing as tho I am in the 26th mile of a marathon straight up an unpaved mountain gravel path); the more unpleasant panic is prompted by a bodily reaction which then triggers mental distress.  The reason this sort of attack is more frightening for me is that I feel I've less control over the physical reactions than the mental ruminations.

But it is most likely false to think that the panic I awake with is unprompted by mental processes.  I'm sure that my dreaming mind must be experiencing perceived threats and such, of which I'm unaware in my sleep.  Jolted awake with a tightening chest, scrambling frantically, throat locked in a scream, doom swamping me.

Sometimes, I hate being me.

imma ijit

earlier this morning (like ya know, 2am-ish or so), i realized that while i've been very vigilant about my medicine and drinking enough and sleep hygiene (well except ya know tonight) for the past few days when i was in my more vulnerable states...i've been a d'uhm debbie d'uhm.  sigh.  around 2am-ish or so (i am nothing if not redundant) i was pouring myself a some tea and juice when i realized that i've not eaten a damn thing since friday.

that's very very unlike me.  i've never understood that 'i'm so upset that i can't eat' and i honestly don't believe that i've ever forgotten to eat.  i like food too much.  and when i'm preoccupied, nervous, anxious, and other forms of upset; i usually tend to eat lots and ravenously and fast and the very act of mastication seems to soothe me.  so i actually stood there with the fridge open, staring at the bare shelves, trying to cast my mind about to ascertain what i'd last ate and when.  and i think, i'm pretty sure, that it was friday evening, when i had a mushroom backyard burger from batesville.

four friggen days.  i think i need to stop at the store tomorrow afternoon on my way home from the meeting at the library at noon-ish.  the weird thing is, i'm not hungry.  i know that i need to eat, my body needs it, my brain needs it, my meds need it, and it'd just be a damn good idea.

chide me, sigh, i deserve it.  but i'm gonna eat!  later today.  i promise.

surprise, surprise, surprise

It turns out, that maybe my wrath does know some bounds.  I need to process some of the recent events, but things may be not quite as bad as I feared.  Oh, not that 'my guy' and I will again be a 'we'; no, that would not be a very good thing (too much damage has been done and both of us realize how utterly unhealthy that would be~~besides, he has a new person in his life that actually seems to be an excellent choice.  he always said that if we broke up, he would want to choose my next man; but i must say that i think i approve of this woman.  she truly is very mature and seems to be quite level-headed.)

What I mean is that altho I will still be angry at times, I think that I am in a better place.  I think the major raw blustering storm has passed.  I don't think this calm is merely the eye of the storm (at least, I sincerely hope not), but that I am not as overwhelmed as I was.

I was terrified, and altho I am still scared, I am not feeling threatened and in need of protecting myself to the same degree as I've felt for the past few days.  I want to thank all of you for weathering thru this with me.  It is certainly not thru, not by a long shot, but I think I feel more assured that I can do this.

Each and every one of you have been so kind and supportive, encouraging and accepting and I want you to know how very much I appreciate you.

I will be removing some of my previous entries, as I have had such toxic anger spewing forth and I do not think that I can bear to have these recent posts as constant reminders of my wrath and rage.  'tisn't my way.  I've saved all your comments, and if I want to reread them, I can.

I've been completely devastated and know that there is a rough road ahead, but I think I can navigate it without becoming mired in muck.  To do that, I need to put these past entries aside, where they won't be a constant reminder.  None of you need feel that I'm so fragile that I cannot bear to think of this whole situation, it is what it is.

I'm ready to move on, taking the next step.  I'm sure I will come back to this horrid place for a visit, but I hope it is brief.  And if you haven't any idea what I'm speaking of because you've missed all the drama, drama, drama; count yourself lucky and enjoy some of my other entries.  Just chalk this up to a worthy woman's lesson.

29 July 2008


So dudes, I was looking back thru my journal cuz I was feeling the need to remind myself how witty I can be and how my Loyal Lovely Readers (compliments will make you continue reading, right?  right?!?) have such great reactions, ya know those chuckles, snorts, gasps, and tears of hilarity ya'll weep over my clever descriptions and turns of witty words.  And I found a ton of great comments.  And I wanted to say....

I appreciate you!

Dealing with Dragons

Today, I returned Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights unread (well, I read about two-thirds of Jane Eyre and none of Wuthering Heights); as I just didn't think it was very appropriate reading for me at this time.  Cuz dude, pining damsels in distress?  Got enough drama, thankewverymuck.

So I picked up ten books (the library's holdings) by John Lescroart, a legal-thrillmeister; and asked the librarians to recommend some audio books that do not deal with relationships and turmoil and crap like that.  They suggested the light-hearted, fun series by Patricia Wrede called "Enchanted Forest Chronicles"; of which "Dealing with Dragons" is the first book (sorta in the same way that the Hobbit may be considered the first of the Lord of the Ring series...or not.  depends on your view).  The fourth book was actually written and published first.  The rest, the back story, came later.  So now, you read the first book last.  Ya know?  That could lead to dilemmas such as should I read the books in order of the author's writing them?  In order of publication?  In order of the storyline?  Usually this sort of thing would make me think long and hard about the underlying issues and bigger questions of life, but at the moment?  I'm just gonna deal with the damn dragon.

28 July 2008

oh those ancient greek games...

*this entry has been edited from it's original content, wed 30 july 08*

if you look to the left, under the 'about me' heading (well, under the pic of me a handful of months ago); you will see this icon:

I belong to Crochetville, a lovely site for crochet'ers (I seem to be stating the obvious lots lately, helps to reassure me that there really is objective reality that is not a guise for something else, something deceitful).  There are about 21,720 members; 7000 of whom are very active.  The good folks and administrators over there have decided to have a bit of a self-challenge competition that will coincide with the summer Olympics.

The idea is that you think of a project (or projects) that is a personal challenge to you for whatever reason (it could be learning and using a new technique; tackling a dauntingly large afghan or some other intimidating project; completing twelve hundred squares for donation to create afghans for the troops/homeless/poor/seniors/hospitalized; or knocking out a portion or all of your christmas gift list) to commence with the opening ceremonies august 8th and completed by august 24th; ya know, the time frame of the Olympic games.  So far, 136 folks signed on as athletes and there are even quite a few teams formed.  I'm sure that in the next ten days many more will join in the reindeer games that we play.

I've decided to participate, choosing three crochet quilts (or "quilt-ghans") as my personal challenge.  They are found at the happy yellow house site.  There is this one, and uhm this one, and oh hey this one.  Here are the pix that accompany the patterns:


When I decide on yarns and who is receiving what, I'll let ya know.  Because I've returned the loaned web-cam; there won't be any pix in the foreseeable future.  But with yarn samples and scanned clips, I'm sure that you can use your imagination.

I'm not sure who will get which yet; but since I like to think of that person while I crochet that specific project, I'll have to make up my mind in the next week.  The yarn will be chosen after I know for whom the afghans are intended.

so uhm that's what's on my calender this month.

27 July 2008

the wrath of a worthy woman

this month is my fifth anniversary.  guess what i got?  a cheating lying despicable pathetic asshole who wants my forgiveness, for the third time.  not happening.   my wrath knows no bounds.

15 July 2008

the stuff dreams are made of

My allergies are the worst they've been in quite some time; worse than when the world begins to bloom in the spring, releasing all their toxins, i mean pollens.  Even worse than in the fall when all the plant life mutates into dying, rotting, decaying mold and dust.  This morning, I blew my nose so hard that my right eye popped out and ricocheted off the computer screen and rolled under the bed {eeek, dustbunnies}; requiring a soaking in saline along with my sinuses.  My throat and ears are removable as well, allowing me to scrub and rinse them thoroughly.  Sooooooooooothing.  And also?  I can cough up my lungs and soak them in saline too, rinsing and wringing out all those lil nasty pockets where irritants might be lurking.  This is the stuff that I fantasize, cleaning my innards.

Yeah, I'm that romantic.

11 July 2008

garter? or headband? BOTH!!

just having fun and messing around with various yarns, stitches, and techniques.  and i cannot actually use this, one...it's too narrow. and bee...it's not a large enough diameter/circumference.  but there it is!!

(as an aside, i actually hate to see babies with little elastic satin straps around their bald tender heads...what torture!)

10 July 2008

In the thick pink, for Cathy


I made this pink headband this afternoon just a bit smaller than the pale green one posted yesterday.  I have very thick hair and it is very easy for me to stretch out headbands and have them pop right off my head, fly across the room and snap my guy's ass like a twisted wet towel flicked by a naughty pert girl.  grin.

 if ya look in the back ground, you'll see a portion of what i am working on for my nutella grrl!!  of course, when it comes together, i'll take better pix and explain it.  the reason my hair curves forward like that around the headband is because it's so thick (my hair, not the band!) and the weight of it makes it lay like that.  as you can see in the first pic above, it does that even when my chin is not tucked into my neck like a bird.

Some tids and bits

The cat on loan has been returned and my sinuses and allergies are lots better.  Snake-A-Way has been scattered according to the intended purposes (cuz the label sternly instructed me to do so).  My guy and I poked about, and either the snake is crafty in his hiding abilities, or he has vacated the premises, heading for the rolling hills and fields.  I hope that's the case.

In a few weeks, my guy will be moving to Hazard, Kentucky for his internship year.  He has collected most of the data needed for his three month follow-up and the final stage for his dissertation.  He's kinda crushed for time, as there is so much to do and he's not so sure it will all be done when it needs to be.  I'm confident in his abilities and am sure that it will all be done with his normal skill and aplomb.

As far as my own crochet goes here of late, this is the first headband I've made.  I'm not sure how it fits, cuz I just washed my hair and haven't yet combed it out.  My hair is very thick and it needs to be thinned a bit, cuz in the summer, it is almost unbearable!!  I'm sorta proud of myself for not shaving it down to the scalp like I've done in the past, the last time was in June 2006.  I might maybe take a pic of my head of hair modeling the headband.  Or not.

06 July 2008


sometimes my guy really likes something i've cooked and he always seems somewhat surprised by that.  so, when i asked him to get a gallon of milk, a head of cabbage, and some onions; he perked up and asked if he needed to get some noodles for me too.  when he got back from the store with those things and a bunch of bananas, he asked if i was gonna make it now?  make it now?  ya gonna make it now?  even tho it was after ten at night.

so, angel hair pasta is done (this is not the usual sort of noodle found in haluski) and waiting in the colander.  two red/purple onions are sauteeing in butter, soon to be translucently perfect.  the cabbage is chopped and ready to go.

haluski will be served, for tonight, we dine well!

04 July 2008

Cat on Loan

The phone service returned this evening, I have no idea what was so wrong that it took three days to fix, but there you have it.  Whilst I had no dial-up, I crocheted an octagonal baby blanket.  Pictures below!

Over the weekend, I plan to visit folks who left comments and such over the past few days.  So if I don't get to you by Monday, please let me know (I don't want to overlook anyone, tho sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to all the pages, esp since aol journals can take a long time to download for some reason).  Thanks, dudes!

Status on the snake?  It's not made another appearance since earlier this week.  The cat on loan is here and making herself useful in other ways.  I love cats, even tho I am very allergic to them.  This cat is not affecting me too badly, but I will have to return her after a bit.  I also got some snake-a-way.  Potent shit, so it says.  The label warns that any snakes trapped inside the parameter you treat will not leave because they won't cross the sulfur line.  So, since it is to rain over the next few days, and the label warns not to dilute the stuff, I plan to use it Monday.  Til then, the cat on loan can do her thing.  Also, I'll start going thru the house, cupboards, closet, etc. with intent to roust.

03 July 2008

snakes! and cats! and books! *oh! my!*

So Tuesday afternoon I checked my voice-mail and then thought I'd better use the bathroom before I return any calls (cuz it's better than getting thru to the person only to have to go, ya know?).  When I picked up the phone to do that business after I did my other business, the line was dead.  I don't mean that open line dead space dead; I mean dead dead.

I thought my actual phone had become defective, so I went out to the box on the pole and tried there.  No joy.  So I went down to my landlords cuz I was gonna have to tell Lisa about the Damn Snake and the most recent encounter which occured Monday night whilst doing my laundry (I pulled the bed out and when I did that, my left hand closed around the snake, it was up in my box spring, just hanging out on the boards...i think it was waiting til the bleach fumes disappated from the bathroom where the washer is, the entire back half of my home was full of hot, humid, bleach fumes).

Long story just a tad shorter, it turns out none of us have phone service.  So Perry called the phone folk and they said that it may be Saturday before they can get out to fix the lines but they are aware of the problem sir and will take care of it when they can.  Since Tuesday, I've no phone service, which means no dial-up, which means no internet, which means no journalling.

But today, I hauled my monkey butt to the public library to get the first book in a series for which I already have borrowed the second book (and I hate to do things out of order that way), to check my eMail, to send eMail to those folks who would be concerned that I died of fright because that Damn Snake's shinanigans have proven to be too much, and then I saw that Russ that doodling dude has showcased my journal (thanks dude!) and folks have visited, some (hi, guys!!) even leaving comments (kenya magin?) wahoo!

Once I have my wits about me, and phone service, I'll visit folks' journals and update more details.  As it is now, I have borrowed one of my landlords' cats (even tho I am terribly allergic to them and Mystery is very very affectionate) to deal with that Damn Snake (cuz Mystery kicks ass and kills snake butt, she's a stealthy sneaky hissing snake ninja).  Since I am in town today, I plan to go to Lowe's to check out this Snake-B-Gone stuff (or snake-a-way) that Lisa told me about to see if that'd be a good thing for me to have and use.

So, ya'll be safe while enjoying your fourth activities and I'll catch ya on the other side!