losing it all

i can't do this.

i know i will.

but i feel so utterly defeated.

the shit just heaps higher and higher.

my landlords, who are the best i've ever had, are thinking about tearing down my trailer since it is almost forty years old and requires so much work.  see, i had told them in the spring of the year that i would only be living here til next fall.  cuz that's what i thought.  i thought that his love was meaningful and sincere and that when he said that he wanted to marry me and all that next fall, i trusted him.  in august 2009 he is to return to mississippi and we were to buy a house next fall.

so ok, that's not gonna happen for so many different reasons.   and so the plan that my home here would only be til next fall is null and void.  no longer exists.  and now, my home might not be mine either for much longer.  understand this is not mean on my landlords' parts.  they really thought that the trailer would be destroyed next fall, after serving as my home for this next year.  now, it makes no sense to repair things, do major work, continue to pour money into it when it is not gonna just get me thru the next year.

i was ok with it yesterday.  but this afternoon, i realized that i can't do this.  i'm not strong enough to cope with all this.  i'm not gonna do anything foolish like hurt or eliminate myself, or anyone else.  it's just...i can't even have the security of my home.  i can't even put this horrid thing behind me cuz it affects my everything.

i can't do this.