Early Birthday Present to Me!!

  Well, I asked my guy if we could consider ACE an early (way early) birthday present to me.  He said, "uh, sure" and then seemed rather amused, "just remind me, when I ask what you want for your birthday, say, oh, a boston terrier with a spastic colon."  Ahhh, he really really loves me.

Plans for the Weekend

 I think that as we write, my guy is heading this way.  He has some studying for a test to do.  I've got a few library books to read.  We are both going to watch the two movies that I borrowed from the library.

  Since we'll have chili tonight, there are blander things to munch on as the rest of the weekend progresses.  Actually, come to think of it.  My mother used to butter crackers and eat them with her chili.  I have some cream cheese, that might make for an interesting blend of flavors.

Anyway, kids, don't go getting in too much trouble, ya hear?

First Full Fall day

I don't know why...it's not like it's chilly out.  But one whiff of my home, and you'll know, my crock pot is simmering chili.  For the first time in 4 months, I've turned off the air conditioners altogether.  I dumped diced tomatoes with green chili and a can of diced tomatoes with chili and onion in the crock.  Then I put about 5 pounds of hamburg in there.  Poured in some spicy hot V8 juice and sprinkled various seasonings in there.  Then I torqued that baby up on high and let it bubble away.

  Now, I was a fully confirmed believer that all meat should be pan-fried before put into the chili pot.  But that was BEFORE.  Before I met a rather disturbing (and disturbed) young man in Alabama.  Of course, come to think of it, most all the folks I met right about then were disturb(ed/ing).

  He had all this stuff lined up on his counter and I said, 'hey!!  what are you doing??' as he put raw hamburg in the pot and dumped tomato sauce and puree over it.  He glanced up at me and said with innocence, "what?"  I said, "boy, who taught you how to cook?"  He said, with perfect sincerity, "my momma's aunt."

  Now, as anyone with half an ounce of brain in their heads can tell you; when it comes to southerners and their kinfolk, well, you just don't mess with them.  So when he wanted to know why I asked, damned if I was gonna besmirch the memory of his great aunt.  So, I said, "Ohhh, I's jest wondrin, cuz I've never seen it done like that before."

After he stared at me, with one eye squinted, for long enough to be sure I wasn't jacklegging him; he nodded his head as though that was THAT and chopped up an onion and through it in the pot and I just sat at the table and watched, drinking my sweet tea.  It was done alot faster than I would have thought.  Though I had images of botulism and undercooked hamburg, I braved a spoonful.  He was ripping through his bowl, slurping the juices and cramming buttered white bread into his mouth.  But ya know what?  Since then, I've never made chili any other way.  And it's always turned out just fine.

Shaddow and Ziggee are chasing and playing with each other.  Ziggee grooms, much as a cat does, so I have to give him hairball medicine occassionally.  Otherwise, well, it's just disgusting.  They are so different, yet so much alike.  They even groom each other.  sigh.

Another baby for me, a Boston Terrier, ACE

  Ace is a Boston Terrier left behind in the wake of Katrina.  He is 7yrs old.  He is friendly and gets along with other dogs.

So, Tuesday, Scott and I are going down to Jackson to pick him up and bring him home.  Yea!!!  I'm mommee to Shaddow (65lb), Ace (15-20), and Ziggee (less than 10) (by descending size).  In age, it'd be Ace (7), Shaddow (4), Ziggee (2).  By breed it would be Ace (boston terrier), shaddow (lab), ziggee (rat-cha).  Ranked by how much I love em, well, like all good mom's...no favorites.  I love certain things about Shaddow that are unique to her, and certain things about Ziggee that are unique to him, and I am certain that Ace will have some uniquely endearing characteristics.

I'm really excited.  And maybe not everyone would approve.  But these are MY babies.

Scalzi is at it again, oh my, oh me, another weekend upon us all

Ok, got the essentials and he was pretty liberal with what all the essentials covered.  check out the original assignment.  SO what other 3 nonessesentials would I take?

My laptop.

A quilt my mom and her mom and her mom's sisters made when mom was pregnant with my brother.

and I'd probably carry those two items in the third item, a basket.  Mom is guilded in basketry, so I have plenty of baskets.  I'd pick one.

Sometimes, I'm a romantic sap

I know, I know, ya'll ain't believin this, but sometimes I am a romantic sap.  I blush and get all soft when my guy give me flowers.  I get goosebumps when I listen to his voice on the phone.  I burst into freshettes of tears when I hear certain songs.  And don't even get me started on the Hallmark commercials.....

Now some say words vary, depending on the version you are listening to.  For instance, Bruce Springsteen sings, "she'll let you in her mouth" but other versions say that he sings, "she'll let you in her mind".  I think mouth sounds more appropriate in keeping with the song.  Also, I've listened to it on the radio closely, and it sounds to me that he does say, "she'll let you in her mouth, if the words you say are right".

I get all choked up.  cuz, at heart, i'm a romantic sap.  sigh.  and really, is that so bad?  I can think of worse things to be....but I don wanna....ruin the mood, it would.

Bruce Springsteen      Secret Garden She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth if the
Words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get to that place where
You can't remember and you can't forget
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay a million miles away

speaking of SHINING

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Stephen King, born on this day, in 1947.

Not that he reads this journal, mind you.

but ya know that 6th remove/step law?  ya know where you can network to anyone with 6 steps...so technically, i guess he COULD be reading this, but i kinda doubt it.

Not my most shining moment...

so, of course I have to share it with others.

Yesterday while I was frantically plugging email addresses in the TO space, attaching my support meeting document, and typing a letter of introduction....I completely forgot that other schools use MSU besides Mississippi State University (which actually uses msstate for most of their email, internet related stuff).

So I sent rather passionate please to support the support group by getting the word out, to Michigan State University and Memphis State University.

sigh.

i were a phd student....

Summer into Fall

As per usual, I am saddened to see summer pass away.  The days have been becoming noticeably shorter, night falls earlier.  Although, night and day are equal at this time of the year, I miss being able to sit on the steps at 8pm and enjoy the sunset.

Temperatures today seemed to reflect a last ditch effort to hang onto summer.  Some of my medications cause my sweat to sting and my face is very sensitive to this.  So earlier today, when I in West Point, I was doing a brief inventory of NAMI pamphlets and other handouts, when I realized my face was was sweating profusely.  When I went into the air conditioned building, immediately I felt better.  But the stinging and burning continued for some time.

Out on the Farm, we had the second cutting of hay.  Most of it is baled.  In a few days, they will move all the bales to my front yard.  Then they will send them to where ever it is that they need to go.  I wish I had a camera, I'd take a picture of these huge round things that remind me of the biggest shredded wheat biscuits I have ever seen!!

Schedule for rest of week

Tomorrow, I co-facilitate the Women's group in Columbus.  It will be the first one.  So, I'm excited.

Friday, two of the folks from state office of NAMI MS are coming up to meet with myself and the administrator of the Columbus Community Counseling Services.  Yea!!

and for the rest of this after noon?

I will read a bit, nap a bit, and I might get online way later.

Happy Birthday!!!

Google turns 6 yrs old today.  Yea!!

Yesterday, the world's smallest baby on record turned a year old.  8.6 ounces at birth, less than a can of soda.  She is about two feet long now and weighs 13 pounds.  Her twin weights 17 pounds and is 28 inches long.  Most one year old babies are about 20 pounds and quite a few newborns are 20 inches or more at birth (jeez that was redundant).

sigh, nappage.

Ants in the pants

I know they are doing the best they can.

And their efforts are really appreciated.

But I so badly want to call and ask about "my" puppy.

But I also know they cannot really handle the influx of calls.

The CARAMS.ORG did contact me last week to see what my preferrences were.

I listed ACE first, he is pictured below.  I've been checking their website, and he is still there.

But I also deferred to their judgement and offered alternative selections.  SO, I guess I oughta hear something this week.  I would think.  Doncha think?

puuuuuleeeeze....

Calling all you angels

Ok, guys, gotta request....

Things are really falling into place, as far as the NAMI support meetings go.  There have been the occassional snag but I didn't expect smooth sailing over peaceful waters.  Gotta have a gust or two to get where ya wanna go.

BUT....

Having said that, I do need an extra helping of patience.  A whole heaping extra helping would be good.  So I don't blow my cool and undo some of the progress and great work we've done.  I don't want to go into more details than that.

Also...

In general, as these are all new groups, I hope that all of you will send me your warm thoughts, blessings, prayers, energies, etc.  Lord knows I need them.  I want to stay in good condition so that the new groups can have time to take firm hold.

And....

With the price of gas being so high, and my check is being cut (long ass story, but suffice it to say that for some unknown reason the medicaid and medicare databases are not cross-referenced), I'm really in need of gas at the moment.  I will be able to be reimbursed, but at the moment, RIGHT now, I have nothing but fumes in the tank.  So hopefully something will happen to help me out there.

And thanks so much, everyone, for your encouragement.
Debra

Autumn is Coming, segue into gas status

While I would not say that the weather of late has been cool, I would say that it has been less humid and less hazy and less hot.  Those combinations mean the heat index is closer to the actual temperature.  The temps have been in the low 90s and high 80s for about a week now, which in Mississippi that means we are approaching fall.

Other indications include the fact that they are doing the second cutting of hay as we speak, or I write.  Or type.  My allergies are not too bad, as long as I remember to take my meds.  And stay indoors until the evening comes and all the dusty pollen is laid down heavy with dew.

My doggies are especially frisky.  They can feel the change perhaps more acutely than I.  After all, I spend most of my time in climate controlled indoors, and they venture outside for longer periods, more often than I do.

The biggest sign to happen so far was that last night I went to bed and slept solid, with no waking for uncomfortable changes of sweated night clothing...and I woke up this morning shivering a bit under my sheet.  I have two window units, one in my bedroom and one at the other end of the house, in the kitchen.  I did not have the air on in the bedroom and the one in the kitchen was set on 2 out of the 15 settings, 15 being the coldest.

Some leaves have changed, but not many.  We don't usually see that happen until more towards the end of October into November.  I'm sorry to see the summer fading, though.

It does remind me that I have not seen my folks since last Christmas.  I miss them.  I have no idea when I will get out there again, especially with the price of gas.

I'm running on "low fuel" light lit up stage...and I've got several appointments to keep this week and have no idea where I am going to get a few gallons of gas to see me through.  It frustrates me, cuz I feel like I should have budgetted better.  But then I remind myself that I could not have forseen a hurricane sweeping through and gas prices being gouged, neither could I have predicted that one of our very strong team members would move from the state, leaving some unattended business.  Which I have no problems with any of that, except now I have, ya know, no gas.

There should be an adapter that I could buy that would allow me to pour urine in there.  Cuz I got lots of that.  Especially since I've been drinking allthis juice, water, and tea.

Fasting, reading

I've been reading up on fasting.  I've been juice person in the past.  But over the last few years, I've mostly stuck with tea and water.  I don't have a blender, but would sure like to have one.  It's hard to find juices that are JUICE and not many water, sugar, corn fructose, and other forms of sugars.

 Last night, I went the store and raided the juice isle.  The top purchases?  Lemon juice and cherry juice, along with a huge (what seemed like) 5 gallon bucket of cranberry juice.  20 separate containers of juice.  Thassa lotta juice, ya know?  Oh, and I bought a bunch of celery.



Ramadan is the ninth month of the Muslim calendar.  Since that calendar differs slightly from the one most of us reading this are familiar with, I'll point out that Ramadan (the month of fasting) begins this year on October fourth and ends November third.  The birth of the new moon is Oct 3rd, so it will go through a complete cyle, growing larger from a sliver to a full heavy specter, then deminishing to a tiny sliver again, only to snuff out in silence.

More about those things as they develop.

tata, 4 now,
me

gotta keep em sep-er-ated

k, i've been fired up and on a tear of late.  this week has had its share of upheavle (sp?) and accomplishments.  the wear and tear, the toll activity like this has on my mind and body is not exactly miniscule.

but earlier today i started sweeping a cobweb here, a throw rug there, and before ya know it, i said, to myself (cuz the dogs were outside), I said, "Self, if you're gonna do this, then for the ever loving peace of your mind, just do it and do it right, use your methodology."  And I answered back, with, "hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeey, that's a good idea, Self."

No, I don't have a Dx (diagnosis) of multiple personality disorder (although I think we all have different aspects of our personalities that we hide away at times or that we let  shine when deemed appropriate).  Neither am I Dx'ed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I just like things to be in their proper places and I like to clean them things in a specific way.

So don't go messing with my papers, my books (cuz lord do I understand why librians and bookstore workers fret over mis-placed/stacked books), or my cleaning supplies.  I'm not anywhere near the intellect of Monk, nor am I anywhere near that particular, shall we say.  But I do have this thing about mess, clutter, and germs.

So, PUT THAT DOWN before you spill it and I HAVE to clean it up....

Gallery Glass

I've been hearing about Gallery Glass (a product by Plaid Paints (I think)) for years now.  When done correctly, the completed project resembles stained glass windows.  When not done correctly, you've all sorts of interesting mishaps.

I myself am a klutz.  I have very little control over my fine muscle coordination.  As a child, I never could color within the lines and my handwriting is still barely legible today.  That's why I type so much.  Even when I "write" letters using the Lucinda Handwriting style, I still type.

Knowing that I would not be able to draw a straight line, or a curved one on purpose, I bought "instant lead lines".  They do resemble the lead that creates the boundaries in stained glass, allowing one piece to be soddered to the other.  However, THESE instant lead lines are 1/8" adhesive strips that create the illusion of lead and sodder.

(I don't think "sodder" looks right....)

So with redi-lead in hand, glass plates, and my landlord's left-over partial tubes of paint, I set to, to see what I could do.  My very first attempt is posted below.  It did not turn out like I had wanted.  I wanted something peaceful and harmonious.  And I will be the first to say, that crazed sun looks like it is chowing down on the placid moon.  But that is fitting for it is the sun that makes my eyes hurt, that draws stinging sweat from my pores, that rises welts of tender flesh as though it were whipping my face.  And it is the moon that is so benevolent, so calm and heavy, so serene and beautiful.

I went on and experimented with 4 other plates until I ran out of paint.  The last one I made, I have to my guy.  He has it and likes it and I don't know if you'll ever see it cuz I can't remember to use his webcam to take still shots when I am there and I have no camera here.

See, I just plopped the plate on the copier/scanner/printer all-in-one and scanned it.  Then with Andi's assistance, I created a photobucket account and used it to post the scanned sunmoongalleryglass piece to my journal.  I tried the FTP space first but, oh la, it's only for AOL customers, which I am not.  Used to be, but now, I access THIS through AIM.

The reason I wanted to scan it and get it online is because I can't stand to wait to give people their presents.  And when Andi told me that she likes primitive and other folk artand OUTSIDERS and showed me a few links.....and when I saw some of the work there....I thought, click, hey! I know EXACTLY what I want to give her.  So as soon as I get some money up to send it, I will.

In the meantime, there's the image to enjoy until the real thing comes to you from me, sealed with a big huggle and a friendly kiss.

The latest breaking news on the NAMI front,

THIS just in....

I'm gonna co-facilitate a group every thursday in Columbus, alternating weeks so one week is Women's consumer group and the next week in general (both sexes, consumers, family, friends, coworkers, mh providers, anyone interested in learning more about MI, including students from nearby universities and colleges).  The general group was the one that met today.  I think my co-facilitator will become more and more confident as we go and I can take a less active role, backing him as need be, and more or less supplementing and being there to give a helping hand when needed.

The women's group in Columbus will meet for the first time next week.  There may be a co-facilitator from Starkville going with me but I am not yet sure....

AND  wootee-woot!!!

Starting on the first Thursday in OCT, the Starkville Women's Group will be meeting every Thursday!!!  There were a few other women from our "old" group that went through the facilitation training with me.  So I think I might be a back up co-facilitator that attends the meetings.

AND because we are the Golden Triangle Regional Area, we cannot forget West Point.   There is a meeting set up for there next week, not with consumers, but with the executive director of Community Counseling there.

West Point is the county seat for Clay.  Columbus is the county seat for Lowndes.  Starkville is the county seat for Oktibbeha.

 Think of an equilateril triangle....Columbus is the eastern point, Starkville is the western point, and the northern point is West Point.   All are about 25 miles from the other, depending on which route you take.

Sweet Home Alabama

  It was today, in 1963...the 16th Street Baptist Church, in Birminham, Alabama was bombed.  Four little black girls lost their lives....such a disgrace what we Americans will do to our own.

I don wanna grow up

Actually, that's a lie.  I do wanna grow up.  I'm soon to be 35 and in most societies, that would qualify me as having grown-up status.  But, some days and in some ways, I feel SO not like a grown-up.

John Scalzi's assignment 77 is about whatcha wanna be when ya grow up?  And what did your parents want you to be when you grew up.

When I was a child, I wanted to be what I thought were the only to options available to females:  a nurse or a teacher.  Actually I wanted to be both.  And sometimes I threw in a totally unrelated occupation like ventriloquist.  In my spare time, of course, I would volunteer for libraries and teaching english as a second language.

My parents, I think they just raised me knowing that I would go to college and kick proverbial ass at whatever I decided to do.  Even if it was raising chickens in Montana.  In undergrad, I majored in German, Philosophy, and Sociology.

I did my Master's in Sociology.  My partial PhD is in Sociology.  And guess what?  I've been teaching at various colleges and universities in PA, GA, AL, and MS for about 15 years.  Including, working in the student health center as an undergrad (I was not a nurse though) and later a clinic the year I turned 30 (still not a nurse).  Nursing is not an occupation I see in my future.

For the first time in my life, I am considering the wife/motherhood route.  In addition to being a sociologist.  And the cool thing is, what I've always wanted to do, deep down, was be a story-teller.  Sociology can be about crafting stories of cultures and such.  So, I might yet have all the best aspects of the world.

Ya know, when I grow up.

Rosie gets it done!

It was a good thing I took my tact, iron, and gentile persuasion pills today.  There are some interesting dynamics in one of the groups that I anticipated to a certain extent, but not to the point where girding my loins seemed to be imperative.

  But instead of using brute force to punch my way through a difficult situation, I flowed with the force.  Yes, very zen.  Very Yoda.  Very smart.

But I kept cool, stayed strong, and pasted a smile of great tolerance and placid serenity on my face.  I was sincere, but at no point did I lose the situation and scream

"LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!!"

Cuz honey you know that wouldn't be anything be trouble heaped on some more.  So I feel proud of myself on several accounts, not the least of which is not allowing myself to reaction to provocation.

  smile and be gentle, no rough play, model appropriate behavior debra...

Short short short entry

nervous.  NAMI co-facilitator.  I'm ready....i think.

Judi's Artsy Essay, 1st anniversary, wootee-woot!!

Judi's Artsy Essay is celebrating its first year anniversary with a focus on animals.

If I could be any animal on Earth......

If asked this question ten years back, or at any time throughout my childhood, teen, and college years; I would have undoubtable answered with a resoundingly solid, "CAT".  I love cats.  I think they are marvelous creatures, have wonderful characters, and they make my mind feel at ease.  However, I am so allergic to them that my eyes swell with hives, my throat closes, my nose and eyes run, and my brochial tubes begin to fill with fluid and suffocating mucus the moment I am exposed to cats and their dander.

Why it is that dogs and their dander don't seem to bother me, I don't know.  I don't question it too hard, because I don't want to develop allergies to them too.  I realize that's a superstitious thought, jinxing the matter, but there it is anyway.

I met my Shaddow when she was two months old.  That was four years ago.  She was my first dog.  Now, Ziggee has joined our home.  He came to stay with us a week before his second birthday in April of this year.

But, I realize that not all animals are loved.  No matter if they are viewed as "pets" or not.  I've known people who leave their animals penned or staked outside, permenently.  They toss spoiled scraps of table food over the fence and rarely see that the dogs receive fresh water.

So it's not just what kind of animal I'd like to come back as, it's the circumstances of Life that I would like to have a say over.

If I had my druthers, I like humanhood best I think.  But, perhaps a well-loved cat would be sweet.  I would feel graceful and slinky and purr with contentment as I nestle into a favored lap.  So long as I wasn't allergic to myself.  Cuz, dude, that'd suck.

The more I am around dogs though, the more I think, wow, I really like them.  Not just love them and feel that awwww ain't that kah-you-T; but I like to watch them and be with them and pet them and feel their unbridled joy and trusting to be in my home, showered with my attention and affection.  Besides I learn things from them, like how to wriggle my entire body when I'm extremely joyous over the event of being visited by my guy.

So if I were a dog or a cat, I would want my domestic situation to be good.  I want loving caregivers.  I want lots of attention, good food, no stressors, and lots of pampering.

But, being homo sapien is just fine too.  Besides, I got some practice with that.  And supposedly, practice makes perfect.

Driving Home

Yesterday, I was listening to the radio, heard so many songs I knew the lyrics to, just sang my way from Oxford to Starkville.  And this song, Kiss you all over, is stuck in my head, playing over and over again.  Fittingly.



When I get home babe, I’m gonna light your fire
All day I’ve been thinking about you babe
You’re my one desire
Gonna wrap my arms around you
Hold you close to me
Oh babe I wanna taste your lips
I wanna fill your fantasy
I don’t know what I’d do without you, babe
Don’t know where I’d be
You’re not just another love
No, you’re everything to me
Everytime I’m with you baby
Can’t believe it’s true
When you’re laying in my arms
And you do the things you do
You can see it in my eyes
I can feel it in your touch
You don’t have to say a thing
Just let me show how much
I love you, I need you, babe
I wanna kiss you all over
And over again
I wanna kiss you all over
Till the night closes in
Till the night closes in
No one else can ever make me feel the way you do
Oh keep on loving me baby
And I keep on loving you
It’s easy to see when something’s right and something wrong
Well stay with me baby
And hold me all night long
So show me, show me everything you do
Cause baby no one does it quite like you
I love you, I need you, babe
I wanna kiss you all over
And over again
I wanna kiss you all over
Till the night closes in
Till the night closes in
Stay with me
Lay with me
Holding me
Loving me, baby
Here with me
Near with me
Feeling you close to me, baby
So show me, show me everything you do
Cause baby no one does it quite like you
I love you, I need you, babe
I wanna kiss you all over
And over again
I wanna kiss you all over
Till the night closes in...

Faithful Cock and Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane

I thought Moon Pie and Dweezel Zappa had some names to hang on them, but dude(tte)s!  check the ole Cornwall County Record Office in England for some real whoppers.

In addition to those in my subject line....some "discoveries included Boadicea Basher, Philadelphia Bunnyface, Levi Jeans, Susan Booze, Elizabeth Disco, Edward Evil, Fozzitt Bonds, Truth Bullock, Charity Chilly, Gentle Fudge, Obedience Ginger and Offspring Gurney...remarkable duos in the marriage records included Nicholas Bone and Priscilla Skin; Charles Swine and Jane Ham; John Mutton and Ann Veale; and Richard Dinner and Mary Cook."

Home, in the South

John Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #76:  I (heart) the South.  What do you love and why, and what state has the best bbq?  (That's a bit paraphased and not direct quotage, but ya git the gist, doncha?)

Well, in Sept of 95, I moved to the South from Pennsylvania.  That was about as deep South as you can go without going back north.  What I mean by that is that Central and Southern Florida have such an influx of those from the North (and other areas) that sometimes Florida doesn't even seem to be of Southernly persuasion.

Right about Macon, GA; God snapped a fault-line and so starts Southern Georgia, a region vastly different than Atlanta and Northern Georgia.  Southern Georgia and Northern Florida are very similar, in topography, insects, plants, and attitude.  I lived in Valdosta, GA ("gateway to Florida" as it is about 25 miles north of Florida on hwy 75) as my first Southern locale.

After finishing my Master's in a year and a half, I moved to Alabama.  I first lived in a tiny little itty bitty neck of the woods where the road peters out past a prison.  I lived on a "cliff" above the Black Warrior River, and honey, let me tell ya, one misstep and crumbling clay'd give way and down you'd plunge to certain death.  I lived in rather odd circumstances and let's just say live improved mightily when I moved to Walker County.  Now for those of you who are familiar with the area, you might have some drastic opinions about that statement.

Walker County is not really known for its ability to play-nice.  Featured on almost all the evening news magazine-shows (ie 20/20, 48 Hrs. 60 min, Dateline, etc.) as being the place most likely to supply you with a hit-man if you happen to be in search of one, I can tell you that Walker County has had more than its share of very odd accidents, murders, trials, and other incidents that are rather newsworthy in other parts of the state and country.

It's a very poor county.  Children in the public school system are encouraged to bring not just your normal school supplies, but toilet paper and paper towels as well.  I shit you not.

I did work in Birmingham whilst living in Alabama.  After the All Women, New Women clinic was bombed in 98, just 2 blocks from my office and directly next to my parking lot; I decided I could probably find a job much closer to home.  That's when I took the job working with an indigent clinic.  I got out of THERE just in time as the entire system of clinics were shut-down and sued by the Federal Government for misfiling of millions of dollars worth of medicare and medicaid claims.  Then I went to work with a facility in Jasper, county seat of Walker County and 5 miles from home.  I was the Day Program Coordinator, with 80 clients who had various levels of mental  retardation (and some also had various forms of mental illnesses).  Then, just after the bombings of Sept 11, I decided I wanted to go back for my PhD and so moved to MS to do just that.

On a much more personal note, my life drastically improved when I relocated to Mississippi.  I again live at the end of the road, but this time, there is no prison nearby, nor dangerous cliffs, nor the odd accidents that were so commonly on my horizon in Alabama.  I have lived in the same location in MS since I arrived, making it the LONGEST amount of time I have lived in ANY one area at all.  Ever.  It's been almost 4 years.

So, I've been here in the South, by choice, calling it "home", for 10 years now.  In a few months, I'll be 35.  So, this region is home.  I don't know as if I'd ever actually leave for any significant amount of time.  My boyfriend of 2 yrs is a Tupelo native, living, working, and PhDing in Oxford.  Our schools are rivals (ole miss and msu) but that is not too much of a factor in our relationship.

My mother moved from PA to Tennessee in 98.  She is a rather adventuresome sort and if you think I might have some schutzpah, if you were to meet mom, you'd know I come by it honestly.  She lost her job due to the whole NAFTA thing, but they had a nifty little clause which stated that they'd offer to retrain you if you could prove that your job loss was due to NAFTA.  No problem with proof there, as the entire sewing factory was closed due to loss of contracts, most of which went to Mexico.

Mom went back to school and got her associate's at the age of 50.  She graduated, packed her car, and moved to Sevierville, TN in the Smoky Mountains, about 5 miles from Dollywood.  She lived there til about 2 yrs ago.  So I spent quite a bit of time in TN too.

Now she and my father live in Mena, AR.  They've been there for about two years.  So I have also spent time there. 

So, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi all have been "home" for me.  Tennessee and Arkansas have been my folks' homes so they have been mine by proxy.  Traveled a bit in LA, more than a few times.  Spent time in Missouri as well.

So, as you can see, the South is home to me.  So what is my favorite thing of the south?  Why, the fact that it is home.  And by choice.  I moved here, I've explored here, I've stayed here.

Now, John, bbq is not a state thing.  No, I've been in various regions of the same state and had bbq that is vastly different than that of a neighboring county.  But if you want the absolute best bbq salad known to mankind, then you head to where all sportcasters and politicians know to go:  Greentop BBQ, just south of Sumiton/Dora on Hwy 78 heading into B'ham.

Life here in the south isn't always easy, but it sure nuf has been interesting and I can't imagine being anywhere else.

oh and a ps here:
I've also spent a few months in KY, where I helped to renovate a gated-community's clubhouse in Lexington.  Picture me doing the whole construction thing, pretty funny, huh?  But oh so true.  I wouldn't have to make stuff like that up, cuz life can truly be stranger than fiction.

CORRECTED INFO!!

For those of you who are animal lovers, or know of animal lovers, or know those folks who are carrying the lynda@portone.com info for animal rescue from nasty ole katrina, please take note::

that address is not any good any longer, mail is being returned as undeliverable.  I called the numbers that were provided with that address and the crux of the recorded outgoing message is this::

visit www.carams.org if you are interested in hosting, rescueing, adopting an animal.  PLEASE DO NOT call the numbers on that website's page.  They are asking that you fill out an online application and DO NOT call the CARA offices as they cannot handle the volume of incoming calls.  Again, fill out an application, then they will contact you.  This message was relayed to me via the numbers for Lynda V.

I cannot remember where I first saw Lynda's address (which journal) as I receive many journal alerts.  So, if you know, please the word.  Thanks.

LIVE! from SFBC, again...sigh

Actually, I had a very exciting day today.  First, I woke up to see my guy's smiling face.  That's a beautifully handsome way to start the day.

Next, I made some appt that I needed to reschedule for next week.  Then I called a dear friend who caught me up on the latest, and gave me some pertainent info I really needed (was that redundant?).  Then I called and left a message for another dear friend who may be under the weather, figuratively and literally.  Then I met with a new acquaintance, the new neighbor of my guy's (she is also an adjunct faculty at Ole Miss) and we went for breakfast.  I did a few email things with NAMI.  Then the forementioned new acquaintance and I attended a presentation, opened with a film and followed with discussion.  The subject was unsettling but needs to be addressed, no doubt.  Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) is also viewed as clitorectomy (but that's just ONE type of FGM) &/or Female Circumsion.  Now, before anyone asks, NO the film did not document the proceedure in graphic detail.  But enough details were shown to leave no doubt as to what was occuring.  Moreso, the film focused on what sorts of cultural reproduction, psychological disruption, and moving toward acceptance of another culture's ways (ie refusing to circumcise your daughter).  It was good to see such discussion, cross-culturally, both sexes, various ages, and so many folks.  WOW.

Then, I came back to The San Fran Bread Co. again.  LIVE coverage from CNN is ongoing, of course.  And I jumped online repeatedly to catch messages and reply regarding the whole upcoming NAMI support group facilitation thing.  And I just found out, oh, about two hours ago that there are TWO groups in Columbus, one is a women's group and one is a general group.  Hmm, ahhh, very inter-rest-tinG.  Actually, I think every other Thursday still applies, it is just that one Thursday is one meeting and the other is the other, is that clear?  Righto.

Oh, and I finished Carol O'Connell's "Winter House" which I started yesterday.  I am planning to see if my local library has her stuff and if so, check them out and read them.  And the day is so not even close to being over.

My guy and I are going to watch "crash" tonight.  We rented it several nights ago and haven't gotten around to it yet.  So, that's on the schedule for this evening.

All in all, a rather productive day.

Now, if only I could shake this annoyingly clinging post-nasal drainage...

WOW, thanks dude(tte)s

Last year, right about this time, I started an online journal with AOL.  I had that journal until the end of January of this year (about 5 months) and had over 2000 hits.  WOW.

Then I changed ISPs.

Then AIM journaling became an option.  So in the beginning of May, I began this journal.  So, in about 4 months, I've been hit over a thousand times.

Call me a masochist, but I love it!!

Thanks guys, for showing the love...grins and spins

So, uh, what's new with you?

Here's the latest on the Mental Health, Illness, and Brain Disorder front:

Well, Ok, so ya knew that I'm ready to start with the whole facilitate the support group thing with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses).  Like ya know here, in Starkville.  Although, you can come, from where ever.  Miami, Atlanta, Nashville, Little Rock, just get here and you can attend, I promise.

  BUT...earlier today, I went to my mailbox (that's blonde speak for checked the inbox of email, although I did dye my hair a lovely shade of burgandy) and found this note in there asking me to take over a group which the facilitator started, then left.  Ok.  Not a major problem.

I am concerned about the facilitator.  Cuz like she didn't just leave the group.  Nope, she left the state.  She moved.  Totally.  And that concerns me, about her, personally.

So I am gonna be doing another group too, in Columbus.  So, hey, guess what?  This really is turning into a GOLDEN TRIANGLE REGIONAL NAMI Affiliate.  Was I ready for this to happen so "soon"?  No, not really.  But, I think I can handle it.  I think I can.

Really.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.
  I KNOW I can.

Seven...

...things to do before I die (a mixture of short and long term goals):
~~~~~publish writings
~~~~~finsh my PhD
~~~~~get married, have children, raise them correctly
~~~~~complete the last steps to get the NAMI support group up and running
~~~~~Find my purpose in life, and do it well
~~~~~travel more, by land, to see more of our 48 continental (I've nothing against international travel (having done it myself) but there is so much to see and do right here in my own back yard.
~~~~~love more completely

...things I can do:
~~~~~love deeply, strongly, loyally
~~~~~be an advocate for those with mental illnesses and brain disorders who cannot speak out for themselves
~~~~~be a true friend, supportive, kind, companionable
~~~~~learn, my whole life long, I can learn
~~~~~read with gusto
~~~~~teach with passion
~~~~~listen with patience

...things I cannot do:
~~~~~change people's minds
~~~~~or behaviors
~~~~~lead buildings in a single bound
~~~~~or anything else that falls within the realm of superhuman fantasy
~~~~~stand by while someone is being abused
~~~~~allow myself to be abused
~~~~~do an activity requiring fine muscle dexterity and coordination

...things that attract me to the opposite sex:
~~~~~intelligence
~~~~~humor
~~~~~wit
~~~~~maturity
~~~~~responsibility
~~~~~sensitivity/empathy
~~~~~lack of cynisism

...things I say most often:
~~~~~ja, fer sure
~~~~~well ain't that some dumb shit?!
~~~~~who'da thunk?
~~~~~well then, THERE'S that
~~~~~didja poke it?  well, poke it again
~~~~~I may be mentally ill, but c'mon now, I ain't crazy or stupid
~~~~~I love you

...celebrity crushes:
~~~~~Tommy Lee Jones
~~~~~Johnny Depp
~~~~~Clint Eastwood (at times, I gotta be in the mood, ya know?)
~~~~~Christopher Walken
~~~~~Tim Robbins
~~~~~Morgan Freeman
~~~~~Robin Williams

...women I admire:
~~~~~mom
~~~~~my guy's mom
~~~~~my friend, Adria
~~~~~my friend, Nekita
~~~~~my friend, Cheryl
~~~~~my friend, Connie
~~~~~Angelina Jolie

(The above items are listed no particular order, neither in importance nor chronology.)
THANKS ANDI from "She said WHAT?!?"

Going Postal

My postman scared me the other day.  Actually, it was my on damn fault.  It's just sometimes it's easy to forget there are other people who use this road.

See, where I live, the dirt road crosses over a cattle-gap.  Then you are on the Farm.  The road meanders past my place (about a half mile from the cattle-gap) and down over the hill, past a pond (stocked with brim and catfish), and up over a little knoll, across another cattle gap, past the biggest and oldest house in the county (my landlords, who also are my closest neighbors), round a rather sharp curve, and then the road peters out in front of a trailor that is someone elses (my landlord just rents the lot to him).

So ya see, unless you have a reason to be out here, you wouldn't be.  I forget though that folks like garbagemen and mailmen come down this road on a regular basis.  And really, I'm glad they do.  But sometimes I forget that.

So, knowing that the rest of the folks out here are gone in the middle of the day, cuz they work or go pick up kids or something, I was retrieving a bowl that I'd let Shaddow get the goodies out of (mmmmmmmmmmmm chicken and rice with mushroom sauce mmmmmmmmmm).  She licked the bowl so clean that she moved it with her tongue into the middle of the yard.  I went out to pick it up and was half way back to the house when a man spoke up (I really should be more careful).  He said something like, "uuuuuuuuuh, excuse me, but I have this package that won't fit in your mail box".  So with as much grace and nonchalance as I could muster, I went to him, took the package and wished him a good day, after I thanked him.  Calmly, (DO NOT RUN) I went into my house, bowl in one hand, box in the other.  Clothed in my whitee tightees and undershirt.  sigh.  Oh, that'll be a story to share over holiday dinners...oh, yeah, well on my shift.....

Bully for MSU!

I live in Mississippi.  Starkville, actually, home of the Mississippi State University Bulldog.  Football, amongst other sports, is a favorite past-time here.  Fans by their season tickets well in advance and it is not uncommon for those same fans to rent houses for the entire year so that they can have a place to stay on game weekends.  That's not even considering the folks with motor homes that set up in parking lots that surround the stadium.

Well, MSU officials have asked the fans to give up their reservations in hotels for the weekend's game so that they do not displace any of those seeking shelter from the devastation of their homes due to Katrina.  Football coach and other university spokespersons have asked the hotels not to displace anyone in order to honor reservations for the football fans.  I should hope that this would not be an issue.  But you know there are bound to be some fanatic fans that are bull-headed enough to think they have a RIGHT to the reservations, and damned if their gonna let any hurricane get in their way...

I hope I'm wrong.  I hope there won't be morons who insist that the game and their attendance is more important than relief efforts and housing the Katrina worn and torn and dislocated people that took refuge here.  I hope we here in Starkville, can do MSU and Bully the mascot proud.

Trippin it at Wally's World

I went to Wal-Mart to buy some bread and tissues.  It was rather late, the employees were focused on restocking and I was navigating my way carefully around pallets, stacks of boxes, and the occassional pile of plastic wrap.  I got in line, signed my SSI check, and waited for approval and my change.

I was concentrating on walking carefully to the car.  My hips have been very tender of late, as though they are made of spun glass and any sudden jarring movement might shatter them.  My lower back was popping and my knees were grinding as though they were sandfilled.  My ankles were swollen a bit more than usual.  I'm 34.  I'm so not ready for all this achiness.  But it's coming on, anyway.

Just as I got to my car, I noticed that there were several cars parked out in the further slots of the parking lot.  I watched as a woman opened the back door on the driver's side, and lifted a bundle out.  It was a child, slumped against her in heavy exhaustion.  The woman sat on the trunk and rocked a bit.  I almost cried.

I got in my car and drove slowly toward that area.  She saw me and was tensed for flight, as edgy as folks have been, I could hardly blame her.  I had bought two loves of bread, which is very unusual for me, as I don't even buy bread most times.

When I got close, I parked the car, got out and walked slowly over, trying to be soothing in my movements.  I told her that there's not much I can do, but here's a loaf of bread, if that helps.  She smiled and thanked me, and kissed her child's head.

I went back to my car.  I swear I did not feel one single ache or pain in any of my joints.  It's not much, but every little bit helps.

Happy Birthday to the Dose

It's been about a year since I began to publically journal with AOL.  Since then, I've changed ISPs but thankfully AIM was soon to offer the ability to create and maintain journals that can seemingly be identical to the AOL journals.  AHhhh, technology works its wonders again.

I've met some great people through the J-land community.  There are no persons that I do not have some sort of compassion, empathy, or fondness for here that I have met.  There are no mean-people-SO-suck that I've encountered.  Other than one slightly demented comment, I've received nothing but support and encouraging words from the community online.

There have been ups and downs.  I've shared frivolous moments, funny stories, some serious doubts and troubles, and some "omfg, can you BELIEVE this?!?" shockers that my lil ol mind rebelled against.  There have been great joys (winning Judi's first ever essay contest), personal triumphs (the efforts with NAMI), set-backs (medication issues and other doubts), glimpses into my personal life with others (my guy the grad student who is so much more and my folks, who defy any one category, like so many other truly interesting people).  You've comforted me in my sniffles, my strange moments of "ACK!!", and applauded my accomplishments.

I think, I'll stick around for another year.

Now, lets sing a song we all now:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

oh, and thanks.

My worth

I know I am a woman of worth.  I deserve truth, honesty, trust, and respect.

I am loyal and loving.

Don't take me for granted.  Don't mess with me.  Don't play me for a fool.

I don't need that.

I can move on.

Will it hurt?  Yes.  But, I am strong.  I belong where I am loved, not lied to.

What is my worth?  It cannot be measured.  But it is more than you seem to realize.

Ya gon lose a good thang, messing round like thet boy.

Ya know it.  Been warned, won't be a next time.

Later.

G'night y'all...

let me leave you with a sweet, sweet song.

Delta Lady
(Leon Russell)
WOMAN OF THE COUNTRY NOW THAT I FOUND YOU
LONGING FOR YOUR SOFT AND FERTILE DELTA
AND I WHISPER SIGHS TO SATISFY YOUR LONGING
FOR THE WARM AND TENDER SHELTER OF YOUR BODY
OH DELTA LADY

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

PLEASE DON'T ASK HOW MANY TIMES I FOUND YOU
STANDING WET AND NAKED IN THE GARDEN
AND I THINK OF THE DAYS
AND THE DIFFERENT WAYS I HELD YOU
WE WERE CLOSELY TOUCHING, YES OUR HEART WAS BEATING

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

OH WHEN I'M HOME AGAIN IN ENGLAND
I THINK OF YOU MY LOVE
CAUSE, I LOVE YOU, LOVE

THERE ARE CONCRETE MOUNTAINS IN THE CITY
AND PRETTY CITY WOMEN LIVE INSIDE THEM
OH BUT YET IT SEEMS THE CITY SCENE IS LACKING
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME IN THE COUNTRY

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

scathing?!?!?

I simply cannot be scathing enough.

The Herald-Times of Bloomington, Indiana reports that a woman faked cancer, not once, but twice.

OMFG!!

Alright, so Brookelyn Walters, now 26 first scammed folks when she was a student at Ball State in Muncie.  She shaved her head and acted as though she were deaf for three years.  The university provided translators for her classes, as well as note-takers.  Sororities and fraternities raised over one thousand dollars to her benefit.

Walters pleaded guilty, but claimed mental illness.  Therefore the courts sentenced her to four years of probation.  I am so peeved.

Earlier this year, Walters moved to Bloomington and takes a job working with a local gymnastic company.  She again claims she has cancer.  Shaves her head.  The owners of the company (her bosses) let her live with them for a month.  Her hair begins to grow back and she tells the five year old daughter of her hosts that her prayers have worked.

The business owners raise over four thousand dollars for her care.  Walters informs them that she needs emergency brain surgery and they accompany her to the hospital.  Whereupon a doctor said that Walters told him that she was in remission, having received treatment in France.

So the kind folks are beginning to think something is off kilter, or hinky, as a good friend of mine likes to say.  So they do a bit of research on the net, and lo and behold! they discovered the Muncie caper Walters pulled in the past.  They were very hurt.

It's crap like that that reminds me that there are fraudulent folks who go beyond any definition of being mentally ill.  This sick puppies go all the way into psychopaths whom have no empathy, no sense of morality, and will continue to hurt others to their own benefit if allowed.  This is just wrong.  I'm frustrated beyond belief at the moment.

wow, weight changes...size matters...

Well about a month ago, my guy took me to Old Navy and bought me some jeans.  They were just a smidge on the tight side, but I figured I was extra bloated from the combination of eating and pre-period pudge.  So I figured they'd be good for the rest of the month.

Well!!

Guess what?

Now they are huge on me.  I can walk right out of em.  I can strip em off without undoing the button or the zipper.

I need a belt.

But I am glad about it.

GRINS and SPINS.

Stormy Weather and the mood was just right...

Well, I lit my hurricane laterns (two kerosene lamps) and several candles.  I got my LARGE print murder mystery library book and cozied down.  I read to my doggies.  They shivered when appropriate.  With the wind and the rain, the mood was perfect.

Silver lining....

Sometimes it pays...

Regular readers might remember my long battle with the phone company.  Well, in brief, to summarize...basically my service would be interrupted for seemingly no reason, with no systematic predictable rythms, such as wind blowing, rain, etc.  So, it got to the point that when I'd call, my phone company's operators would IMMEDIATELY transfer me to the supervisor.  Eventually they came out and realized, huhn, how about that, the crazy girl ain't so crazy, loose connectors and termite ridden poles have played major roles in disruption of her service.  OOooops, egg on our condescending faces.

So, the buried my phone line.

Which means that I had phone service while no one else in my area did.  Cuz I have the phone company which no one else in this area does.  And cuz I was a royal pain in their ass til they fixed it and fixed it but good.  I mean, burying the line sure enough cuts down on chances that it'll get blown down, or that a tree will tear it down or or or....

so, sometimes it pays to be persistantly pesky.

Posting by candle-light

oh yes, i can just imagine telling my nonexistant grandchildren...

I remember in ought-five, musta been august (wadn't it hunny?  hunny?  I saw wadn't that storm in august?)....well, ya, so i lived out'n the country on this here farm.  there weren't no street lights but that wadn't neither here nor there...cuz we all lost our power..  yep sure nuf did.  and since using the phone to calll others was a pain in the rumpus *that there is latin for yer bootee* on accounta all the noise of the wind, rain, and such....well then i just lit some candles booted my trusty laptop and got online.  just so i could post an entry to my journal.  cuz THAT'S where my priorities are.

Two of my favorite foods

I have never before today tried these two foods in combination, at the same meal.  But I love liver.  Usually with onions.  But I didn't have any onions.  I've never cooked liver before, but I thought, give it a shot and the worst that can happen is...that I ruin it and have to chuck it in the garbage.

I love mushrooms (not THAT kind, sillee dude(tte)s).  So this morning, I sauteed some mushrooms (a friggen quart, I always tend to go, oh! gee, I don't know if this pint basket with be enough, better get two) and garlic in butter.

I rinsed and cut the liver into smaller pieces, trimming casing, fat, and tube stuff.  Then the mushrooms came outta the pan, a sprinkle of parmesan, and set them aside.  Add a bit more butter (doesn't this just sound soooooooooo healthy?) and quick fry up that liver.

In just a jif I was through.  The liver went in with the mushrooms.  I consumed it all, except one piece of the liver (because my Shaddow deserves a treat every now and then, and she IS such a good girl).  I cannot give Ziggee people food, cuz he is a little guy and his digestive system is not equipped to handle even the smallest smidge of cheese, or the tiniest bit of pan-drippings on his dry kibbles.  Ziggee's belly will actually emit loud rumbling sounds, which he sleeps right through.  Then a horrible stench will fumigate the room, causing me to stagger from the study wheezing, with tears streaming down my face.  It so is not a pretty picture.

But anyway, the mushroom and liver combo was pretty tastee, if I do say so myself.  My mother would cringe, as those are two of her least favorite foods.  But I ain't my mom.

The case of the yuckees

This past week, I have been feeling drained, physically exhausted, mentally troubled, and emotionally a wreck.  It all has begun to manifest physically.  Last night, my joints and soft tissues were painfully throbbing and very hot in certain places.  My throat felt raw, with post-nasal drainage.  My ear cans itch.  Perhaps a slight fever was present.

This morning, I feel like someone zipped me through a meat tenderizing and now, in addition to all those lovelies from last night, I got the cruddee yellow snots.  Cuz that is TRULY reflective of how I feel.  Oh so lovely.

Ain'tcha glad I share?

& One more for the road...(but to fully get it, gotta listen to it)

Grace Jones~~~~~~"I'm not perfect (but I'm perfect for you)"

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
Had we met at a different time we'd be perfect for each other,
Now we're spending all our time, in this world come together,
My heart is aching, from all the love you're giving,
We're not faking, is this the life we're living?

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

More and more we are together, tryin to discover,
I see a flicker in your eye, are you lookin for somethin better?
You once told me lying on the ground, but keep goin up and down, yo!

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,

I feel right on time,

Why waste it thinkin about it? taste it,
Don't waste it thinkin about it, taste it,

It really doesn't matter wherever i may go,
We're tied together, that's one thing we both know, yo!

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, i feel right on time,
Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, i feel right on time,
Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, now i'm right on time,

Other Songs I just love

Nina Simone's "Here Comes the Sun", she also does a great cover of "ooh child", her "Mississippi Goddam" is outstanding, and I like quite a few of her other stuff.

Lionel Ritchie has done so many songs that just hit the spot.  But, I heard "Hello" today and I realized that I know all the lyrics of that one, even though I've not heard it in years.

Terence Trent d'Arby's "Who's Loving You" is incomparable.  Here it is:

When I had you
I treated you bad and wrong my dear
Girl since since you been gone
Don't you know I sit around
With my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

I, I, I, I should have never made you cry
And girl since since you've been gone
I sit around with my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

Life without love is oh so lonely
I don't think I'm gonna make it
All my life, all my life belongs to you only
Come on and take it girl
Come on and take it because

All, all I can do
Since you been gone is cry
And don't you ever wonder
And worry your pretty little head
'Bout what I do
Don't you know I sit around
With my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

Back to School

but not for me, just yet.

My guy is starting his second year in the PhD program.  Yea!!   He is soooooooooo busy, and yet maintains 4.0 gpa.  Amazing.

My mom, she is amazing, too.  Back in December 95, the sewing factory that she worked for, closed.  Actually, it was padlocked.  They lost all their contracts to Mexico and other countries.

This was due to the trade agreement.  NAFTA also had provisions that if you lost your job because of the agreement, ie contracts were taken overseas or to Mexico, then you might be able to qualify for 18 months of retraining.  Mom checked into it, urged others too.

Mom did qualify, so she returned to school and earned her Associate's when she was 50.  She then picked up and packed up and cleared out and headed South from PA.  She lived in the Smoky Mnts for years and then moved to Arkansas.  She now lives in the Ouchitah Mnts (which are the only ones to run east west).

Now, she is re-entering school.  Starting with the local community college this term, she hopes to transfer (she's already checked into which credits and classes will transfer) to the university at Fort Smith so she can get her Bachelor's.  The timing ought to coincide nicely with her 60th birthday.

My mom, the scholar.

I am proud of her.  I also am proud of my guy.  And I am sorta living vicariously through them when it comes to academics.  Cuz I'm proud of where I am RIGHT now, and I feel that I need to only focus on NAMI for the time being.

Currently reading...

I'm reading Patricia Cornwell's "Portrait of a Killer:  Jack the Ripper (Case Closed)".   Interesting read.  She applies today's techniques and knowledge to a very old case, such as gathering DNA off stamps that were licked and afixed to envelopes and comparing letters, drawings, and incidences.

Repost from original Debra's Daily Dose (Wed 8 Sep 04)

Do you think I'm mental (paraphrasing KDLang)
ok, it's like this...i have no intention of writing my complete memoirs in one sitting.  but there are some things past that help us to understand the present and prepare us for the future.  so, i cannot tell you when exactly my madness began, but i sure fooled alot of people for a long time.  I was always a tad different and special, gifted, in some way or another, in almost all contexts in my childhood.  As a teen, I did not go through the typical angst period, but i did not really fit in anywhere.  Most of the kids my age thought I was strange.  Most adults thought i was mature.  Then in my twenties and on, as an adult, i was just a tad eccentric.  Sometimes, i would be too far out there, inappropriate in behavior.  But since i moved so often, very few folks got to know me well enough to know that may be there was more going on then what meets the eye.  

Leaving aside most of the details, in sum, early last year, i accepted the diagnoses that classified me as having mental illnesses.  THAT was quite slippery, i had the hardest time wrapping my mind around being MI.  I mean, at the time, I was a graduate student, working on my PhD, with a master's in sociology, and three bachelor's.  I was teaching undergraduate students, doing research, working in a computer lab for the department, and maintaining a very full social life as well.  Being mentally ill was not part of the plan for the big picture.

Now, I had already dealt with having learning disability.  I have dealt with poor health most of my  life.  I had dealt with abuse, surviving, coping, and (I thought) moving on.  What I did not recognize was that much of this was not dealt with at all, rather it was squashed down until I simply lost my resiliency, losing my ability to continue to cope, losing my mind it seemed.

Currently, I am affected by bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), borderline personality disorder (THAT is misunderstood even by psych-peeps), PTSD, panic/anxiety disorder, depression, and compulsive overeating disorder.  No two people handle their diagnoses in the same way, because no two people are affected in exactly the same way.  So, for instance, I do not self-mutilate.  I amnot an impulsive spender/shopper/etc.  I hate the mania more so than the depression.  I do not "look" like I have an eating disorder.  I despise whining, abhorring it in myself.

SO, I am learning to go a bit lighter on myself.  I am learning that it is not ok to push myself beyond my limits.  I am learning just where those limits are and how to pull back when I need to.  I am learning that I might not have developed a great sense of self, so now I am doing just that.

I tire easily.  I am not always chipper.  I am not always quick with wit.  Sometimes, I am irritable beyond belief.  Sometimes I cannot comprehend a sentence, let alone a paragraph, let alone an article.  Sometimes, I feel so utterly defeated that I am sure isolation has merits.  Sometimes, I cannot explain myself very clearly.  Sometimes, knowing me, can be pure unadulterated hell.  I try to know myself enough to be able to recognize the warnings, the shifts, the need to be still and quiet, the need to rest, the need to withdrawl from social circumstances.  sometimes I am sure that my toxicity spills over, tainting relationships.  sometimes, though, i go too far with my self-monitoring.

and most of the time, people enjoy being around me.  they are glad to know me.  and that's when i know that i am worth all the fuss.  i deserve to be healthy, happy, to know love. 

i hope this has been clear, as i am entering a manic period, not having slept for quite some time. racing thoughts, speed....so, i am off to see if i can't rest before i get much worse.  thanks for listening, it ain't easy, to read some of this, i am sure.  but i am not always maudlin, so serious, so intense.

have a good day.  til next post.

Was lost, but now am found...

I don't know that I will be able to spit it all out, or spin it so eloquently that it makes a cohesive tale to tell.  But here are some of the places I've been roaming.  Or haunting, or stomping.

Yesterday's NAMI support group facilitation training was a smashing success.  Thank you to all you how sent me notes of support and encouragement.  Now the others who are going to be co-facilitating know what to expect and what to do, and I think they are not quite so intimidated as they might have been, when it was a big unknown.

Next step is to establish days and times for the group to meet.  I have already arranged for the place, and for free childcare for the participants that need it, and transportation assistance too.  Then it's a matter of getting the word out, doing a press-release, calling Mental Health Care Providers who might want to refer their clients for support group (not as a substitute for counseling, but as a supplement).

So, once this last bit is done, and the group is up and running.  I'm pulling back a bit, cuz mania is escalating and I am worn out.  Gonna attend and be a member, but let the cofacilitators go for it.  They'll do fine.

My guy has been in a whirl of activity, getting ready for the second year of his PhD program.  He is taking on new responsibilities and projects.  As well as maintaining his work schedule and attendance of conferences and seminars.

So, last week, I was with him.  I couldn't sleep one night, so I downloaded some stuff and tweaked his computer.  It runs much faster and cleaner now.  Once again, my thanks to Victor and Andi.  Love ya guyses.

I missed three days of meds and have been reminded once again, that is  SO not the good thing to do.  I was driving on Sunday, so delibrately did not take them because some make me less alert than I need to be to drive.  Then Monday, I was so keyed for the day with NAMI training that I forgot to take the meds with me for the day.  D'oh.  And today, I didn't take the day stuff, cuz I need to eat with the meds.  But I will take the night stuff.  ahhh, sleep.  mmmm.

I need to improve my diet, my eating habits, my schedule of when and what I eat because of health reasons, but also because of med issues.  My head feels froggee and my body is not liking me too much at the moment.  I get physical withdraw symptoms almost immediately within missing a dose of certain meds.  And my body and mind is used to the mixture and when I mess with that, it is bad bad bad.

So, now, I need to rest and recuperate til I get my wits about me and find myself again.  See you soonest.   Love me

I got butterflies in the belly (&/or the belfry)

Tomorrow is the NAMI sponsored one-day support group facilitation training seminar/workshop.  I've waited for about 6 months for this.  Now that it's here, I'm skairt.

(gargle, ahem, aam) me me me me meeeeeeeeeeee

This meme was passed on to me by Paul Little up there in Canada.  It is about books and that is one of my favorite topics.  If I could eat them, I would.  But that just goes to show how I relate everything to food.  And that is neither here nor there...

So, how many do I own?  Well the short answer would be:  LOTS.  I've left more books behind in all my 50+ moves than I've retained, but I still own lots.  Most of my books are academic.  Lots of theory authors like, Marx, Durkheim, Weber, DuBois, Giddons, Freud, and the like.  Then I also have a small grouping of Stephen King.  I own some others that I love to reread like, "Bastard out of Carolina" by Dorothy Allison and "Joy Luck Club" by Amy Tan.  Then too, I am a huge fan of libraries.  I cannot afford to buy books I want, and I also would like to try books that I don't want to spend huge sums of money for...and the library lets me sample authors and genres I might not otherwise try.

The book I am currently reading is "Scandal in Fair Haven" by Carolyn G. Hart.  I have been reading quite a few of her books lately.  She writes in several genres.  But I like these the best I think, the ones that are mystery/suspense/who-dunnit types.

Five books that mean alot to me:  Everybody Poops (shocking, I know, but everyone really does poop); Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster (wonderfully witty); Fried Green Tomatoes (at the Whistle Stop Cafe) by Fannie Flagg; my Life Applications New International Bible (lots of footnoted explanations of cultural and historical references); and the COURAGE TO HEAL by Bass and Davis (cuz I really do have the courage to heal, it's an ongoing process).

who to tag?  who to tag?  I don't know, lemme ponder on it....

Tracy Chapman

Back in the 80s, I listened and sang along with Tracy Chapman as she wistfully spoke of a fast car that would led to a better life, and a mountain o' things, and all those songs from that album.  I knew them all and could belt them out in my little ford escort when I was zooming from class to work to home and back.

She continues to release amazingly great music.  She touches my heart and soul.  She has also been involved in so many worthy causes. Tracy's new album is soon to be released, within the month. Maybe I'll get it for my birthday in November.

Cars, love em when they run...

hate em when they don't.

Last week, I bumped into a friend of mine at the library.  We got to chatting.  Then we went for coffee (well, I drank tea and she had a peach shake, but it was at a coffee shake, did you really need to know that, no, but now ya do).  We ended up parting very late.

I hopped on the interstate and cruised on north a bit, and noticed my "check gauges" light lit up.  So, I checked the gauges (cuz I'm good that way).  And I noticed that I was running a little warm (ok, I was hot, but the engine was running a little warm, wink).

Then, just as I merged onto an east bound extension of another interstate highway, I saw the "check engine" light come on.  I thought, hm, well, ok...but here?  I don't THINK so.

Turns out I didn't have a choice.

Cuz right after that, as I was nearing the exit ramp from that interstate to the road that goes home, my car did a shake, shimmy, hump, shudder, and bump.  All power was lost so I coasted as far off the road onto the shoulder as I could. and popped the hood.  No smoke so THAT was a good sign.

There were lots of lights overhead, because this was a new interstate extension.  So, as I rooted around in the trunk for my big ol' flashlight (it's a mega mag-lite, ya gotta love that), the FIRST patrolman pulls over.  He was friendly.  Not helpful.  But friendly.  That's a plus, in my book.

Then I remember while I am chatting with the officer that OH, yeah, my flashlight was in the front of the car so that if ever I felt I needed to have a heavy wand to crack someone's nuts, well, it'd be right handy.  So, I go searching for it.  So thankful I was wearing jeans and not a flirty skimpy lil ol' swishy skirt.

Flashlight in hand, I headed for the popped hood.  When another police officer pulls up.  He is not happy.  He was helpful.  But not happy.  Very suspicious.  Yes, I staged this so that I could meet my connection and get my fix, wow, you are too smart for me.  But he did call AAA on his cell phone for me.  Though he was NOT happy about it.  Still he was helpful.

So then as I find the problem and am laughing like a loon, a road-side stranded loon at that, a THIRD officer pulls up.  Of course, I am appearing as though I might be on drugs, and thusly a menace to society, so he approaches with caution and is not happy either.  But neither was he helpful, because there was nothing for him to do really.  AAA was on their way.

He did however insist that I explain the whole thing.  I mean it wasn't enough that I am standing there holding an incredibly long belt which did not break, but slipped in one intact loop right off ALL my pulleys.  Cuz that belt drives the entire engine.  It's not obvious to him that I am having engine problems of major proportions.

Or maybe he was wondering why I was reacting as I was.  I already assured him that Officer A and B had been by.  That AAA was on their way.  That I felt reasonably safe until the tow guy got there and that I would be fine riding home with the tow guy (after all, I had my handy dandy nut cracking mega mag-light).

After he left, I put the belt in the back of my car, on the floor behind my driver's seat.  I slammed the trunk.  I slammed the hood.  I got all nice and comfy in the driver's seat and pulled out my book because the light was THAT good.

The 4th officer comes to see me, by now, I am tired.  More than a little loopy.  I haven't taken any of my meds.  Cuz I am not supposed to drive on them, and although I wouldn't be driving, I wanted to be as alert as possible.  But I had a sack of the Rx from the store in the back seat.  The officer shines his light around the interior of the car.  My eyes are bloodshot and I am developing a tic under my right eye.  My hands are shaking when I show him my Driver's License upon request.  He demands to know why I am so nervous.

So, I tell him, well, it's been a rough few HOURS and you're the fourth officer to stop by and I appreciate the safety that implies, but the strobe lights from your flashers are wrecking havoc on my system.  He asks me to step from the car.  I was going to, but just then the wrecker pulled up and so the officer backed off and gave me my license back.  He stayed long enough to ascertain that the wrecker was indeed spoda tow me home.

Then he left.  The car and I got home around 4:30 am.  The belt slipped off because the tension pulley was crooked.  SO replacing the belt and pulley, parts and labor, and tow (cuz AAA covers only one tow per incident) ran about $300.

My guy of course came to my rescue.  I generally am a cheap date.  I'm generally low maintence.  (much to the chagrin of my southern female friends who try and try to do something with my hair, makeup, clothing, etc.  but ya know, it's just not ME)  I like to pay my rent, electric, gas, insurance, phone, and garbage on time, if not early.  And that's that.

So this car has been good to me and my guy, cuz he uses it too.  Whenever we are together, this is what we take.  Other than oil changes, new tires, this is the only thing gone wrong.  So, that's not too bad.  Especially since I've had the car for 2.5 yrs and it's a 1993.

I appreciate him covering this.  I really do.  But I don't ask for much.  Really.

Just a car that runs.

To paraphrase Meredith Brooks:
  That's all I need, see how easy I am to please?

They are

My folks....ya gotta love em.  I do, cuz they are mine.  So, there's that.

But even if they weren't my folks, I'd most likely still love em.  I'd've picked em for friends and I love my real honest to the bone friends.  Ya know?

But, I gotta tell ya, this takes the cake....

wedding cake, that is.

Yep, they got remarried.

(sniffle, sniffle)  Couldn'ta happened to a better couple.  sigh

Monty's Python, revisited

Ok, dudes, remember the python that was in the delivery truck that I mentioned a few entries back?  Well, if not, go read about it, then come back, I'll wait.  WE WILL ALL WAIT, cuz I believe in group solidarity, in some cases, but I'm digress...

The rest of the story is this:  there was a 19 yr old PA dude that ordered a female python to get in on with his male python, so they could have a bunch of baby pythons.  So, where ever he ordered this female from, they put her in a plastic tube, long and slinky, cuz ya know, it's all about accessories.  And then they put the tube in a box, long and well, boxy.  Cuz really what can you do with a box, besides look, boxy?

Turns out pythons are strong (no!!  gasp, who'da thunk?!?) and she perhaps got tired of not having lots of squiggle-wriggle room.  I dunno, maybe she was getting a cramp from being in one position for so long.  Anyway, she moved. and cracked the plastic tube.  And slithered out.  And hid amonst the rest of the boxes where there was probably a little more variety, cuz that's important.  And what's even more important, at least from her perspective, I'd imagine, is the knooks and crannies and dark spaces.

So the delivery dude delivers an empty long box to the other dude, who notices it is not quite as heavy as perhaps it should be, sssssssssssssay...this is empty!!  So python-breeder dude chases after delivery dude who doesn't see the pursuent.  Next, delivery dude finds python in truck, ack!  Enter humane society.  THAT incident is on record with delivery people so when the python-breeder calls delivery company to say, hey!  My python box was empty and what's the dang-deal?!  The delivery dudes can say, oh!!!!  and put all the pieces together.

End of the story, python-breeder claims female python from humane society, after showing ID, packing slip, and fax from delivery company explaining damn-deal.   The delivery dudes still aren't too sure how this happened, cuz ya know, they still don't deliver live animals.  That's their policy.  And they are sticking to it.

I wonder if the whole thing has been too traumatizing for the python to get freaky with the new male of her life...

a quickie

just wanted to post and say,

(ahem)

"still here, hope all is well there, will write later when i have more time, lots to tell, take care, love ya bunches, bye!!"

;-)

Fresh figs!!!

A few years ago, when I first moved to Mississippi, one of my office-mates brought in some succulent little creamy rose-tinted fruits.  I tried one, it was soooooooooo good, that I ate another three.

Finally, I asked her what they were.  She seemed surprised that I didn't know that they were figs.  I didn't even know figs grew in these parts.  But yup they do.

So, my landlords have three "bushes" (that's what they call em, but they look like fully grown trees to me).  The figs are ripening as I type.  There has already been a first picking.  But, I can meander down that way and pick me some in a few days when these ripen the rest of the way.

Now for those of you who have never eaten a fresh fig let me tell you that you are missing a real treat.  Think of a grape and then a raison.  Ok, THAT'S the difference between a dried fig and a fresh one.

A fresh fig is soft, bursting with sweet honeyed nectar mixed with a slight berry taste.  The seeds are reddish pink and are not hard and gritty, but are flavorful themselves .  So gooooood, your mouth will be happy you tried one.

I can hardly wait to go fig pickin'.

sthanx for all the mammorees

Last year, in my original AOL journal, I was severely frightened by the discovery of lumps in my breasts.  It started out quite routine.  I went for my yearly pap, the nurse practioner was doing my breast exam which usually goes with a pap.

I noticed that while we were conversing for a time, she was palpitating one spot for a very unusually long time.  Like so long we made it all the way through 5 or 6 different topics.  And this is in Mississippi where we speak slower than the national average.

She said something like, "hmmmmmmmm hm, no, no I can't say as a like the feel of this."

I replied with, "no, I'm not liking it too much either."  I meant the continues poking and prodding, cuz I am a lumpee-bumpee person and always have been.  That's why I was not overly concerned about a lump or two in the breastages.

Then there was a bunch of other talk and setting up of appts with consulting surgeons and such.  Whoaaaaa. k.

So, during the manuel exam at the surgeon's office, he discovered a few more suspicious lumps.  I went for a mammogram and they found all sorts of things to alert the doc about.  During the ultrasound (I did not know they do ultrasounds on breasts, but it makes sense, I just didn't know, ya know?), we plotted (yes, I said PLOTTED) six major sacks.  Three in each breasts.  And a multitude of pebble-like grit, the size of um pebbles.

So Dr. Han Some consults with another Dr.  They agree that in all likelihood, these sacks are lumps, of the lumpee-bumpee kind.  We'll just keep an eye on em.

So we did.  Six months later, I went back for another feel me  up courtesy of Dr. Some.  Now we are at a year.

Yesterday, I went in to have the mammogram.  I was singing the Hokey Pokey because it really is what it's all about.  The nurse fit me in, tucked here, pulled there, tilted this way, ok, move your CHIN up and to the left (cough twice, no just kidding, threw that in to see if you were paying attention).

She said that I was a real trooper.  Holding up admirably well (shoulda seen me when I was younger, I held up even better, perky even, ya might say).  And because she liked me so well, she tipped the proverbial radiologist's hand.

Cuz they really aren't spoda tell ya.  Cuz that's the doc's job.  But, hey, I'm looooking gooood.  Nosignificant changes from last year.  Keeeewwwwwwl.

Still, I will keep my doc appt on the 23rd, when he squirts boob-lube on me and using his wand.......oh, yeah, that's the ticket baby.

Monty's Python

Yesterday, I read about a woman who found a four and a half foot python snuggled between the dishwasher and the countertop.  He was basking in the warmth found there.  Apparently, the previous tenant left him in the apartment, cuz...well, he got tired of having a python.  So, not only did the duplex come with all appliances, but a rather large snake (a hidden benefit that not everyone appreciates).  This woman said that after her initial fright wore off, she grew very angry.  Cuz, ya know, what if it had been in her children's room?  They at age 2 and 3 are considerably smaller than the python, even the terrier would have made a lil bite.  But, no harm done, snake went into a pillow case (i wonder if it was one of the body-pillow cases?) and set for sale....

In other python news, this morning I read that a UPS dude found a nine footer in his truck.  He thought it was a stuffed toy or a rubber realistic looking albino python, til it raised its head.  Then he stumbled away from the truck and whipped out his cell-phone to call the local humane society for help.  They manuevered said python into a canvas UPS sack and carted him off.  The UPS dude said that he has no idea how the snake got in the truck, cuz it's against regulations to deliver live animals.  I rather doubt the python knew or cared about that particular policy.

Holy Schmoly Schmack!!

Looks like Friday's Freakdom on Monday...

So, I'm reading about this guy, who goes to a doctor cuz he's got a sore throat, running a fever, and experiencing shortness of breath.  The doctor takes x-rays of his lungs.  AHA!

The culprit is a lower denture consisting of 8 teeth.  Stuck in his bronchial tube.  OMG!

Seems he lost the denture...been looking for em for ohhhhhhhhhhhh THREE YEARS.

Thanks, Paul!!

My thanks to Plittle over here and the man behind CarnivAOL.  A few entries back I was saying what a twit I could be, using losing my entry as an example.  Paul offered a wonderful suggestion to me, in e-mail.

He said that I could right-click anywhere on my desktop and choose a new text document.  That way I could write the entry, then post it, with no fuss or muss like those annoying stylistic computer language do-hickey (my words, not his) that comes when inserting word documents into AOL journal space.

Yippittee skippittee!!!  It works wonderfully well.  Thanks, Paul!!

On the Mental Health/Illness Info Front

We have scheduled a one-day support group facilitation seminar for this area.  The people with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses--name changed last month) are in large part to thank for so much of the assistance with helping us to meet our goal.  Our goal is to establish an ongoing support group for those with mental illnesses and brain disorders.

For some of my readers, you might be well-versed on my journey through this process.  This is the last of several seminars that we (a core few of us) have been attending so that we are able to conduct the support group.  We already have arranged a meeting place, with a local community-based service provider.  It's FREE, and child-care will be provided!!!  And I have offered assistance with transportation.  So it sounds like most of our bases are covered.

So why am I so nervous?

Well, actually, it's not that unreasonable to be nervous.  Why?  Well, because this is new.  It's a huge amount of responsibility.  And there are other reasons as well.

But, I am already exhausted.  This summer has been a very labor-intensive effort for me.  There was the Peer to Peer education workshop in June.  Then I attended the IN OUR OWN VOICE training in July.  And now this seminar in Aug.

And to think that the support group is set to meet on a weekly basis!!  We need it.  I will not be alone in efforts to administer to the needs of the startup and continuation.

I'm just so tired.  Happy that it is coming together so well.  But exhausted.

Just venting...