Shame and Blame

"because there was a pervasiveness to the unhealed trauma that we all carried, our relationship never felt as deep or authentic as we wanted. There were countless ways in which we continued to reenact that trauma, by harming each other as well as ourselves."

          ~~Waging NonViolence's We need to build a movement that heals our nation’s traumas by Kazu Haga 

Shame is a horrible feeling, to inflict on ourselves and others.  It can create huge fractures and fissures that become faults which lie beneath the surface of our relationship with ourselves and with others.  Brené Brown speaks to shame and the devastating shunning that some ONE can do to themselves by allowing that shaming judgment to continue to exist, by creating a division in which a person shuns a part of themselves, scolding and chiding, pushing it away, ignoring it, as tho that part does not exist, and a person cannot fully love themselves or even accept themselves completely, if they are labeling that part as bad, or weak, or shameful.  That shame resurfaces and resurfaces stronger the more you try to quash it and deny it.

There are ways to examine those parts of yourself that you may have been ashamed of, that are nonjudgmental and involve a huge amount of compassion, curiosity, and kindness.  If you are struggling with a shameful part, then perhaps seek assistance, someone who is trained to help you navigate your way toward healing and developing a healthier relationship with your whole self so that you can have healthier relationships with others as well.  Otherwise, you will most likely stay engaged in the cycle, the rut, that is wearing you down.  You will continue to experience negativity within yourself and continue to perceive interactions as negative, even if the other person is not acting in such a matter.  And you will continue to engage with others who do pass judgment and attempt to shame you and others.  Nothing good has ever come of shame, as the very nature of shame is to generate more and more negativity.

Shame is a very different beast than guilt.  Guilt is something you can learn from, it is something you can accept and yet still move on to do better next time.  Guilt allows you to hold yourself accountable, for you to acknowledge that you are responsible for whatever it is that you are guilty of, and then to correct your mindset, your behavior, and do better in the future.  Good things can come of guilt, of you recognizing that this occurred, that you did such and such, and that it was hurtful, to yourself and possibly to others, depending on what action that was.

Some feel shame not for an action they themselves are guilty of, but for something done to them.  They may feel like that would not have happened if they were stronger, or less weak, or not so vulnerable, or if they had kept their guard up...as tho they allowed this unspeakable act to occur to them, that they are so ashamed of and must now ignore; blaming themselves in some way for some hideous treatment they've received and can barely bring themselves to face because of the deepseated shame they reexperience.

Silent secrecy is a hallmark of shame.  This is a strong reason why I urge you to seek a trained therapist who can provide you with the safe space to speak, to work thru your own thoughts and feelings surrounding that, and who can help you navigate the hard work that building and healing your relationship with yourself and others.

Not everyone deserves to hear your story, your tender vulnerability, because not everyone is trustworthy and able to contribute to your healing.  Some will hurt you, or are not in a safe place themselves, or are unable to hear you because they themselves are thrown off balanced and into a pit of despair and anger or other knee jerk reactions are triggered and so are unable to provide a safe space for you while holding themselves in a centered fashion that is necessary in order to truly allow you to work thru your grievances.  So choose wisely to whom you seek solace and succor, healing and health development.