tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34640329079734299492024-03-18T23:27:11.500-05:00Debra's Dosejust a slice of the perspective pieDebrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16175937125258061954noreply@blogger.comBlogger1863125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-24606632649168816112020-11-19T21:11:00.000-06:002020-11-19T21:11:19.826-06:00Shame and Blame"<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Untitled Serif Regular", serif; font-size: 20.8px;">because there was a pervasiveness to the unhealed trauma that we all carried, our relationship never felt as deep or authentic as we wanted. There were countless ways in which we continued to reenact that trauma, by harming each other as well as ourselves.</span>"<br /><p> ~~Waging NonViolence's <i style="font-family: "Untitled Serif Medium", serif;">We need to build a movement that heals our nation’s traumas </i><span style="font-family: "Untitled Serif Medium", serif;">by Kazu Haga</span> <br /><br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8vSjJjAyZk0VQTI6u6IrR0eL_mP232c1AF8zoUK6phdwJYdqtt4kfHsyIUThLb0Txavj9x3fccXSiYb3Vohqmhn-TBCwW3SUdAIct5L26ogERhE-wzhjDOk6KBBH774OncwP28vgIjUA/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="170" data-original-width="297" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8vSjJjAyZk0VQTI6u6IrR0eL_mP232c1AF8zoUK6phdwJYdqtt4kfHsyIUThLb0Txavj9x3fccXSiYb3Vohqmhn-TBCwW3SUdAIct5L26ogERhE-wzhjDOk6KBBH774OncwP28vgIjUA/" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Shame is a horrible feeling, to inflict on ourselves and others. It can create huge fractures and fissures that become faults which lie beneath the surface of our relationship with ourselves and with others. Brené Brown speaks to shame and the devastating shunning that some ONE can do to themselves by allowing that shaming judgment to continue to exist, by creating a division in which a person shuns a part of themselves, scolding and chiding, pushing it away, ignoring it, as tho that part does not exist, and a person cannot fully love themselves or even accept themselves completely, if they are labeling that part as bad, or weak, or shameful. That shame resurfaces and resurfaces stronger the more you try to quash it and deny it.<br /><br />There are ways to examine those parts of yourself that you may have been ashamed of, that are nonjudgmental and involve a huge amount of compassion, curiosity, and kindness. If you are struggling with a shameful part, then perhaps seek assistance, someone who is trained to help you navigate your way toward healing and developing a healthier relationship with your whole self so that you can have healthier relationships with others as well. Otherwise, you will most likely stay engaged in the cycle, the rut, that is wearing you down. You will continue to experience negativity within yourself and continue to perceive interactions as negative, even if the other person is not acting in such a matter. And you will continue to engage with others who do pass judgment and attempt to shame you and others. Nothing good has ever come of shame, as the very nature of shame is to generate more and more negativity.<br /><br />Shame is a very different beast than guilt. Guilt is something you can learn from, it is something you can accept and yet still move on to do better next time. Guilt allows you to hold yourself accountable, for you to acknowledge that you are responsible for whatever it is that you are guilty of, and then to correct your mindset, your behavior, and do better in the future. Good things can come of guilt, of you recognizing that this occurred, that you did such and such, and that it was hurtful, to yourself and possibly to others, depending on what action that was.<br /><br />Some feel shame not for an action they themselves are guilty of, but for something done to them. They may feel like that would not have happened if they were stronger, or less weak, or not so vulnerable, or if they had kept their guard up...as tho they allowed this unspeakable act to occur to them, that they are so ashamed of and must now ignore; blaming themselves in some way for some hideous treatment they've received and can barely bring themselves to face because of the deepseated shame they reexperience.<br /><br />Silent secrecy is a hallmark of shame. This is a strong reason why I urge you to seek a trained therapist who can provide you with the safe space to speak, to work thru your own thoughts and feelings surrounding that, and who can help you navigate the hard work that building and healing your relationship with yourself and others.<br /><br />Not everyone deserves to hear your story, your tender vulnerability, because not everyone is trustworthy and able to contribute to your healing. Some will hurt you, or are not in a safe place themselves, or are unable to hear you because they themselves are thrown off balanced and into a pit of despair and anger or other knee jerk reactions are triggered and so are unable to provide a safe space for you while holding themselves in a centered fashion that is necessary in order to truly allow you to work thru your grievances. So choose wisely to whom you seek solace and succor, healing and health development.<br /><p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-86458681441455800792020-11-18T10:35:00.001-06:002020-11-18T10:35:20.873-06:00Knee~Jerk Reactions<p> Recently <a href="https://wagingnonviolence.org/2020/10/we-need-movement-heals-nations-traumas/" target="_blank">this article</a> was shared with me and I've been reading and reading it, thinking a lot about some of the points that it discusses, and sharing the article itself and some of my thoughts with others. Sometimes we have a dialogue, yes. But at this point, it's mostly me thinking things thru for me. As writing is a form of thinking for me, I thought it would be good to do so here, in this blog format.<br /><br />There are many points to consider, so I plan to take it slowly, and most likely in the order of the thoughts that are occurring as the article progresses. But before I begin to examine that, let me say this...<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/medical-knee_jerk-reaction-knee_jerk_reactions-knee_jerk_reactions-physicians-bwhn2377_low.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="711" height="320" src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/medical-knee_jerk-reaction-knee_jerk_reactions-knee_jerk_reactions-physicians-bwhn2377_low.jpg" width="284" /></a></div>For me, knee jerk reactions of protestations, anger flare ups, hurt cries, or other forms of lashing out usually are my cues that there is a nerve or even a bundle of nerves being trod upon or otherwise inflamed. When I experience them, I usually catch myself and think, "hold up here, debRAHHH, what'd going on with you?". Chances are that there is some issue that is ready to be dealt with rather than quashed down, shoved aside, or otherwise shunned and ignored. Often the first reaction is a protective part that is masking a deeper more complex set of stuffs within me that I might need to set with, really examine, or may even need assistance with doing so. For me, that assistance often comes in the form of a Licensed Professional Counselor, who is trained, qualified, and has the experience to be objective, compassionate, and hold the space for me to process this in a safe place while knowing that I can be me, fully allowing myself to express myself without filters and knowing that my own wobbly offcentered hurt or anger or shame will not pull her into reacting along with me in hurtful, angry, or shaming ways. She stays centered in self, helping me to navigate the teetering process of regaining my own balance and coming to a better understanding of myself and the world around me. It's been a huge piece of my growing process and while at times it can be oh so messy and painful, it has been worth every kicking, screaming moment because most of the times now, I experience so much more joy in life, more content satisfaction in the present with less overall tension, anxiety, worry, panic, depression, and more meaningful contentment, health, and peace of mind.<br /><br />There are many forms of assistance that also helps me in this process, including my loved trusted friends and partners, such as my husband, several friends, and a few groups which are focused on healing, health, or some particular aspect such as better communication. It truly does take a village. Yet there are times when I do fumble, stumble, inflicting pain on both myself and others. Sometimes that takes a lot of reparations, authentic apologies, and damage control afterwards, when I am able to do so.<br /><br />Sometimes I need to pause and question how much of the hurt others are experiencing is something I can claim tho, because I am not responsible for someone else and how they choose to act or react. While there is no doubt that I might influence or affect them, often it is their attitude and mindset that already exists that is providing their filters thru which they are viewing my words, deeds, and so forth. I can choose my own words and actions carefully, yes; ultimately tho, it is still that person's choice and not mine. I control my own though and behavior only, which means that I can only be responsible for my own acts and reactions.<br /><br />This has been something that I repeatedly learn and relearn because I often feel responsible for another person's upset with me. I may think, "what did I do wrong?" or say wrong or should I have said or done this instead or perhaps not said or done anything. I begin to doubt myself and second guess.<br /><br />While checking to be sure that I am in a healthy space, that I am being authentic, that my motivations and intentions are good, and so forth can be extremely important to provide myself with checks and balances, I need to be careful that I don't then slide from the positive healthy place of practicing these things to then go into a unhealthy counterproductive place of thinking that somehow I am control or am responsible for another. Because that is usually what it boils down to, most of our disagreements, conflicts, and confrontations...for both those within ourselves and with others, at either a one on one personal relationship or the grander larger scale of being a part of a group, community, or even the USAmerican society or human race in general.<br /><br />Sometimes, the most useful question to ask to determine whether I am being authentic is am I trying to fit in or am I belonging. Am I acting in accord to how my true self at the core is or am I lashing out in hurt and anger, or trying to fit into this group by acting in a manner that I think will be perceived in a way that they will find appealing so they will like me or that I will gain what I want, which tends to be acceptance and belonging? <br /><br />Most of us long for true acceptance and belonging. And to get there, to truly do that, it starts within ourselves. And that is an excellent place to begin this article's discussion, which will be continued in the next post...<br /><br /><br /><p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-54120093678712370122020-11-11T09:13:00.001-06:002020-11-11T09:13:36.466-06:00Venerating Our Veterans<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNSGG2KuOJjbq_G6mZsdafuu5HAiTRkWoHYXZFbmF8FBaYnQzfCt5k8NApNYPuK2lC8eT_RiJ1rxUDGXL56VE_cyerHIvkEWWU6f3H3zYyNYYyJpW3xQ5omSElGn0UswL9TspUUQK2vxQ/s275/Veteran+Thanks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNSGG2KuOJjbq_G6mZsdafuu5HAiTRkWoHYXZFbmF8FBaYnQzfCt5k8NApNYPuK2lC8eT_RiJ1rxUDGXL56VE_cyerHIvkEWWU6f3H3zYyNYYyJpW3xQ5omSElGn0UswL9TspUUQK2vxQ/w400-h266/Veteran+Thanks.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Some of my clearest memories of Veterans' Day are watching my father bear a flag, in the parade, up East Main Street's rather steep hill to the old cemetery at the very top for the ceremony that would follow. Every year thru my teens, at 11:11a on 11/11, the area vets would being to march from the parking lot at the Catawissa VFW and head up thru town with dignity, receiving much respect from onlookers. My father is a Vietnam Vet, and like many who served there, had gone to do his patriotic duty and then quickly grew disillusioned, horrified, and has struggled with internal conflict for decades since then. There is a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, and jaded sourness.<br /><br />So when I was growing up, my own views were shaped by watching him and listening to family discussions revolving around critical thinking, questioning, not blindly accepting, etc. Anti-establishment was one way to describe it accurately. I've a healthy dose of skepticism that can veer wildly into the unhealthy realm in a heartbeat.<br /><br />When I met my husband, I learned a LOT about career military from an insider's perspective. This family is well on its way to being a military family, as both my husband and his youngest son are longhaulers and I have a feeling that several of the grands will choose to enlist as well. I've gained a fuller appreciation of what exactly the Coast Guard does, and what their spouses and families experience.<br /><br />And I have to say, wow. Kudos to our military families. While I do think that we can streamline and more effectively spend our funds for the military, I am so impressed with what it is they do and how they do it that I do question what else it is that I think I know, that I really don't have an accurate picture of.<br /><br />Thank you, to all our Veterans.<p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-85357751531094076602020-11-01T09:18:00.000-06:002020-11-01T09:18:46.066-06:00Lil Debbie Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote. See Lil Debbie Vote? She Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote!<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0SRgVtcw-pb15pRflUalakWnLLCOsFIH6aQAUBriJtOwIKlXRRPYD1lG3Ou_Y6lD3s24bEkei5EWwOtgTlwUwoVa5rQmhgz38pbmbmM3wANeOeGirgR_WyedTXojvZWG1objNlCsac5w/s235/Debra+age+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="235" data-original-width="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0SRgVtcw-pb15pRflUalakWnLLCOsFIH6aQAUBriJtOwIKlXRRPYD1lG3Ou_Y6lD3s24bEkei5EWwOtgTlwUwoVa5rQmhgz38pbmbmM3wANeOeGirgR_WyedTXojvZWG1objNlCsac5w/s0/Debra+age+4.jpg" /></a></div><br /> Ah, November, of which I have been a proud baby since 1970. Yes, that means that in just two weeks, I complete my fiftieth year and celebrate my birthday. But why wait for a day? I've been celebrating for a year!<br /><br />I kicked off the last full year of my fourth decade with gastric bypass surgery, read more about that in the last several posts, if you like. This morning, I weighed 158, which is in the same territory as my husband, who stays between 155 and 160 pounds. I'm wearing smalls in some tops and mediums in other styles. The pants could be size medium, sixteens if jeans, or 34s if in inches~~different manufactures measure differently.<br /><br />This picture is of me at age four; it was my maternal grandmother's favorite picture of me. That blue sweatshirt was my favorite at the time and so were the plastic yellow barrettes. The full picture shows my elbows sitting on a carpeted photographer's stand with my lower arms crossed in front of me and my hands unclasped. I think I remember the photographer arranging them and then commanding, DON'T MOVE. And I didn't. Except to smile, cuz that's what you do for pictures, debRAHHH. And you do what you're told.<p></p><p>At that time, I was Debbie to most and Little Debbie to my paternal grandfather, who always reminded me that Lil Debbie owned her own bakery and worked hard and had cupcakes and other goodies. I was puzzled about why he bought Archway's soft cookies in packs of nine then. Did Lil Debbie do something wrong? Did her cupcakes and cookies not measure up?<br /><br />I was sure that they got it wrong, because the girl pictured on those boxes of individually wrapped goodies had dark curls, wore a straw hat, and looked nothing like me. Well, she was white and she smiled, but that's about it. I looked more like the Sunbeam Girl, pictured on the loaf of bread's sleeve. She was blonde, bareheaded, and her curls were not natural. She wore blue, albeit a dress, and smiled, looking positively ecstatic about the buttered slice of white bread she was holding. SHE was Debbie, I was sure. I mean, I wore blue, and my favorite dress-for-good dress was blue. And mommy sometimes curled my hair when I wore that dress. Therefore, it was the Sunbeam Bread Girl whose name was Debbie, like me.<br /><br />That's the sort of reasoning we engage in when we are four. Or thereabouts.<br /><br />But when you grow up and your brain fully develops, you have gained some life experiences. Hopefully, you gain some knowledge from reading; you do read, I mean, look, here you are reading this post! Let's not forget that you also learn from observing others' experiences. That is assuming that you actually learn from others' experiences and don't need to go do the same things to learn the lessons first hand, recreating the wheel as it were; some actions have the same results no matter who does them, when, where, or how often. You and I and pretty much everyone else are capable of thinking, processing, and predicting.<br /><br />You know that chances are that the girls pictured on the products do not own the companies, nor the bakeries, nor did they wrap those goodies up. While they might eat them, they probably don't look thrilled each time they see a slice of bread or open a Swiss Roll with the weirdly waxy chocolate colored shell. In fact, you might even realize that there is a strong likelihood neither are named "Debbie".<br /><br />But you probably don't waste time thinking about such matters, because you probably don't care. Well, not about those products, on that level. They just are not worth your time, energy, or effort.<br /><br />So let's briefly focus on something that is worth your effort, a product that does affect you on all sorts of levels, in all sorts of ways. Candidates for governmental positions, the folks who may represent YOU and your vote, the people who decide on laws and interpret policy to then build onto, thru amendments. This might be your local governments such as mayor, aldermen, or city council. It could be the state's senate or governor and so forth. And for sure the representatives you send to Washington as well as the President of the United States of America.<br /><br />If you are like me, you've pretty much stayed away from the news, other forms of media, and televised debates in the interest of maintaining sanity and keeping a cool head. If you have been fully engrossed and engaged with the political scene and all its pundits, reactions, and reactions to those reactions, bless you. I'm sure that you have a ton of thoughts to process, observations to weigh, and decisions to make.<br /><br />There are many places here online to see what's on your ballot and then work backwards to see what each candidate stands for, how they have voted in the past, and what they are saying they are likely to do in the future. Here are two that I will be looking at for information so that I can walk into the volunteer firehall about a mile down the road and place my votes with more confidence in all open options: <a href="http://Vote.Org">Vote.Org</a> and <a href="http://Ballotpedia.Org">Ballotpedia.Org</a><br /><br />Decide what is important to you, your core values, your preferences, your perspectives and views. Consider your options. Look past the branding and glossily slick images of downhome, aw shucks family photos, sweaters or power ties and stern faces meant to convey serious decisiveness. That's packaging meant to sell you a product.<br /><br />Consider the actual product, the person, the candidate. What are their stated views? Do their voting history and actions support that? If no, why not? Really take a look and consider the options here, not just 'well, the other side wouldn't get onboard'. What sort of experience do they have and why/how is that important to you? Are they likely to do what they say they will or what their history has shown to be so? Don't just consider that one time back in 19xx, but review their usual trend. What is the reasoning they cite for their current action {or inaction}? Is that likely to be something that you feel comfortable with continuing? And every step of the way, think about your own values and opinions. Is this candidate representing YOU?<br /><br />You probably already know whom you will vote for as President. That might be based on a wide plethora of factors that you feel strongly about. But what about all the other positions and races that are on the ballot? Have you considered them? What about the measures and proposed codes that are on the ticket this time?<br /><br />I know some have already cast their vote, good on you. I know that polls are going to be fraught with tension, lines, wait time, etc. Go vote anyway. Be patient. Stand in line. Be kind. Keep a cool head. It's ok to read your book while in line, to talk to your neighbor, to meditate, to review your list of to dos, to create your next design, to do oh so very much while waiting in line. Keep your mask on, properly {over the nose, folks, please, most of moist, warm air you exhale is filled with a variety of germs, toxins, and eliminated waste; this is the season of colds and covid and other contagions, oh! my! be considerate of others and reduce the potential spread, in this case, please do NOT share the moist warm air, thanks!}. Let tensions flow and ebb AROUND you, instead of swallowing that and letting those tensions affect you. And vote.<br /><br />Vote.<br />Vote.<br />Vote.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-81315648495097207982020-10-31T10:33:00.003-05:002020-10-31T10:33:36.942-05:00It's Steel Our Anniversary<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEr70h2fhtqcdBTxThljREtnPLbSgWpE64yYFysoQs6Q8bSTXGYEUnHejEReqS6a6rfvu5hJxgltRItEKyk-htuUeFCO-nDcW8MX6qHd7UVXSefg9Ypv1fJx1Gjx2YiAbfM_1eEy7rvqs/s474/steel+anniversary.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="474" data-original-width="474" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEr70h2fhtqcdBTxThljREtnPLbSgWpE64yYFysoQs6Q8bSTXGYEUnHejEReqS6a6rfvu5hJxgltRItEKyk-htuUeFCO-nDcW8MX6qHd7UVXSefg9Ypv1fJx1Gjx2YiAbfM_1eEy7rvqs/w200-h200/steel+anniversary.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />The eleventh anniversary is steel, which makes me think of my <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/cliffevert/metal-art/" target="_blank">cousins </a>in Rochester, NY who weld found items of scrap metal into creative pieces of art. Cliff and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/karen.evert.3" target="_blank">Karen </a>have taken what began as a hobby and shared it with others, turning it into a passion that will endure for generations as the artwork is passed down within the family. They steel are rockin' it!<br /><br />Today, Jerry and I celebrate our eleventh anniversary; it's the first time since we got married that we are HOME for our anniversary. Usually, we are traveling. For the first decade, we'd been in Natchez, at the Bluff Top B&B on Clifton Ave. But then Neil Varner, "proprietor, head cook, and botttle washer" died and we decided to change things up and go elsewhere for last year's anniversary. I was not quite two weeks post bariatric surgery, so we wanted to take it easy and do something that allowed for lots of rest and relaxation. We went to Memphis, stayed in a converted garage made into a small cottage thru AirBnB. We went to the Georgetown's Friend's of the Library store, browsed for ages, bought stacks, and enjoyed tremendously. We visited the Pink Palace {Memphis's planetarium}, where we were one of two couples ~~ it was like a private showing! The local train depot had been converted to a soul kitchen and I was able to eat some of the creamed beans, southern style of course.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2oVh_j3GftUI8SpnwbaC-itmd-vlREJR27WBa_Ml9H6lEsS3WE1rzqpsl4gCX7innLZ6HSo8AU_OXcWp80tGSVzYZ2tqT11pOnlpyeqQziSR_5VZYkcRtfooHMbxKzYcHHUKLK8XfHNM/s500/wind+beneath+my+wings.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="400" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2oVh_j3GftUI8SpnwbaC-itmd-vlREJR27WBa_Ml9H6lEsS3WE1rzqpsl4gCX7innLZ6HSo8AU_OXcWp80tGSVzYZ2tqT11pOnlpyeqQziSR_5VZYkcRtfooHMbxKzYcHHUKLK8XfHNM/w160-h200/wind+beneath+my+wings.jpg" width="160" /></a></div><br />Today is special to us always, as it is our anniversary, yes; but why did we choose this day in particular? For several reasons, actually. It is Jerry's second marriage, his first wife and he had just celebrated 29 yrs when she died, which was startling and difficult for all concerned. Their five children were young adults and building their own families, stepping into various elements of their lives that would change and grow thru the following years. No one is fully prepared to lose their mother, but these kids had no time chance to wrap their minds around this as the accident was horrid and death was difficult.<br /><br />I met Jerry three years later, when he was 53. I had just turned 38. We clicked immediately and enjoyed ourselves immensely. When we did discuss marriage, it felt like a foregone conclusion, an inevitable event on the path we were chose. As we were both adults, having become the people we were, we felt that choosing an autumnal date to wed would reflect how we viewed ourselves and our relationship~~sacred, hallowed, and in the well seasoned portions of our lives.<br /><br />Since Jerry has been in my life, I've become much healthier, all the way around, but especially with regards to my mental health. The safety and security of the environment that we've created and continue to generate has allowed me to relax, grow, explore, strengthen, be curious, learn more about myself, and become a person who I truly enjoy being. He's very supportive, enthusiastic, caring, loving, accepting, understanding, willing to try new things, willing to learn new things, and always encouraging. His love knows no bounds and is enduring, comforting, exciting, delicious, and surprisingly refreshing. Steel.<br /><p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-28562010887136931932020-10-18T15:11:00.002-05:002020-10-18T15:11:31.722-05:00Gratitude Journal<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ViIcxQw6TBlSaW7Stb-AAeWvMKA_SA9e2iMl_wfIt4PemYPEKWkSiuyL4sPe2Nm3HGnU5kXCODZMRVODncNpfr0oNaalLEUxLVi31Zx5B3VYcAK-8j7t2hjog43WLG6GIcnXZWvVuo8/s1840/1+year+satu+17+oct+20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1840" data-original-width="1104" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7ViIcxQw6TBlSaW7Stb-AAeWvMKA_SA9e2iMl_wfIt4PemYPEKWkSiuyL4sPe2Nm3HGnU5kXCODZMRVODncNpfr0oNaalLEUxLVi31Zx5B3VYcAK-8j7t2hjog43WLG6GIcnXZWvVuo8/s320/1+year+satu+17+oct+20.jpg" /></a></div><br /> So another special moment that occurs this week is that it is one year post bariatric surgery for me. I know I have spoken about that before, so I won't belabor the point here. However, here is a pic that Jerry took of me before I headed back to bed. I was just feeling off yesterday, not any one thing, just tired and a bit nauseated with a touch of dizziness. So this weekend is spent mostly in bed, sleeping, resting, and some reading but mostly not~~esp as I had a hellacious headache that is only just now fading a bit.<br /><br />However, the other day, I mentioned Gratitude Journals and wanted to continue in the vein of writing and forms of both thinking and writing.<br /><br />I think most of us are familiar with daily gratitude to some extent, whether it is a review of the day and listing five {or some number} of things that we are grateful for that particular day. It could be an actual object or person or idea or event or the weather or something that didn't happen or something that did. It could be your own inner attitude or perspective or having had patience for someone else that might usually be someone you would not normally have patience or tolerance for. It could be that you are thankful for someone else extending some grace and understanding toward you. Maybe some stranger stopped to help you with a flat tire or gave you the dollar you were short of at the grocery store or your child slept thru the previous night for the first time in a month or you had enough milk to add to your coffee or your realized that you are thankful for your ability to breathe today.<br /><br />Some folks do this as a matter of course, give thanks for the food they eat. Perhaps their prayers have become a matter of rote and yet today, they truly became mindful of their abundance because they saw someone who went without. Maybe you know that you might have narrowly avoided catastrophe when you decided to stop at the yellow light instead of speeding thru it, as you normally do.<br /><br />Gratitude journaling can be about any and all of that. I like to do mine in the morning tho, so it does NOT contain the things that actually did or did not occur, like that I've written of earlier. Doing my gratitude journal in the morning means that it puts me in a better frame of mind for the day. Mostly, my gratitude journal consists of particular presence in my life that is constant and consistent. So it is feeling gratitude, being thankful and grateful for my husband, my friends, my health support network, my home, my financial security, my health, my ability to think, my wit, and so forth.<br /><br />Being grateful first thing in the morning helps to frame my mindset for the day so that I am more likely to greet various elements with happiness and acceptance, with an open heart and open mind, versus already dwelling on what isn't right, or just, or the dreaded must~do tasks that can overshadow and taint everything with a bit of sourness that twists the stomach and tenses the body. Being happier and healthier means I get to be ... healthier and happier, it's a cycle that feeds into itself and sets me into a better stronger place to deal with any pitfalls or stumbles thru the day in a better way, a way that I choose to greet the day, making my day, my day.<br /><br />If you don't already do this, or something like it, give it a try for two weeks, just to see what happens for you. Then let me know what you think! Was it worth the trial test run? Will you continue to do it? Did it make a difference? How did you feel as compared to how your days progressed prior to giving it a shot?<br /><br />You don't need to devote lots of time to gratitude journaling. Just three to five minutes. I am grateful and thankful for....<p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-23837193380333079832020-10-15T14:01:00.000-05:002020-10-15T14:01:15.152-05:001900 & Counting<p> Here it is, midOctober, and I am thinking of various events and circumstances that are important at the moment. Taking it to a micro scale, since most of you are aware of larger issues like covid19, USA presidential election, and so forth, I'd like to share some changes this month marks. Personally, focusing on my own person, literally figuratively, of course, means that I'm a bit more than half the woman I had been last year.<br /><br />I am one year post bariatric surgery, have been about 160-165lbs for several weeks now. I'm smaller in the torso than I have ever been as an adult; wearing a size small in USA terms, which is about a 4 to 6. I'm wearing a large in pants, a size 12 or 34/36. My thighs are a bit loose {*gasp* loose!??!? but are they cheap AND fast? cuz that'd be the perfect trifuckinfecta, right there!} and there really isn't anyway to wear something that fits in the waist without being too tight in the thighs at the moment. Then again, there is really no way to wear something that fits in the torso without my shoulders seeming to be disproportionately broad. My mom always did say having broad shoulders was a good thing, solemnly nodding. This is one more reason to wear clothes that are fitted, specially tailored JUST FOR ME, customized to fit my specific body and frame, meant to fit and flatter my figure.<br /><br />The ONLY benefit that I can see for being obese is that my bones are thicker and stronger, since they carried around lots of weight. However, that benefit is easily outweighed by the number and severity of potential risks and hazards. Simply put, the detriments of being obese are not worth it. Esp since stronger thicker bones are attainable even if one is not obese: exercise, engage in frequently occurring physical activity, build your muscles and tone your body, increase the oxygenated blood circulation by moving your body, eat healthy foods, laugh often, and be sure to drink lots of water and get lots of restive sleep so that you are truly caring for yourself, your body, your spirit, your mental health, your emotional wellbeing.<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTW4SC_7AjIZ4k3LauGlS3f9OKgG_515lrQ0Q&usqp=CAU" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="228" data-original-width="221" height="200" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTW4SC_7AjIZ4k3LauGlS3f9OKgG_515lrQ0Q&usqp=CAU" width="194" /></a></div><br />So what does this title "1900 & Counting" refer to? Over the past fifteen years, I've blogged publicly; sometimes I'd go thru and prune the entries, editing or deleting them if they are no longer relevant and meaningful to either me or readers. So even tho my current blog considers this to be my 1900th entry, it's actually been many more; but these are the posts that have thus far survived. Tomorrow it may be less, if I were to decide to trim more. Or tomorrow, there may be more posts, if I blog more between now and then. I won't make any promises as I know that often intentions and plans mean nothing without action and the resulting consequences.<br /><br />In the next 77 days, I'd like to make a hundred more meaningful posts; this will bring my blogs total to 2000. I'm seven views shy of 75 thousand, these are counted by unique hits and exclude my own forays; this gives me a more accurate idea of genuine interest versus someone merely refreshing the page to artificially inflate numbers. At the moment, the blog has 2621 comments. I delete those that are spam or bot originated.<br /><br />Well, debRAHHHH, reading these last two paragraphs, it seems like you're in it for the numbers, the equivalent of FB's likes and thumbsUP; is that so? Hm, I think that the blog has changed over the years. At first, I blogged to process my own thoughts and points of view, sharing those and becoming part of an online community {way back with AOL had Journalland and John Scalzi was the blogfather, having yet to publish his Old Man's War, and Athena was just a tyke, and Ghlaghghee {pronounced like it's spelled, "fluffy"} was the equivalent of the librarian's cat}.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcSZuNGM6NU10clGUk_WWsdLjmENh_94GirCsw&usqp=CAU" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="277" data-original-width="182" height="129" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcSZuNGM6NU10clGUk_WWsdLjmENh_94GirCsw&usqp=CAU" width="84" /></a></div><br />That's when I first realized that for me, writing is a form of thinking. It's also when I realized that folks like my writing in general {Judith HeartSong awarded me a piece of her original artwork for the best written accounting of "how art affects my life" contest held back in 2004} and that gave me a true voice, when I was having a difficult time within many of my real time interactions, often feeling overwhelmed and overpowered. Over the years, my blog has been very instrumental as my true self has been captured here, with full range of happy joyous expression, frustration, scorn, disgust, encouragement, support, cheer, deliberation, celebration, depression, manic leaps, reflection, etc.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQoFj1pe6tJJcbMl_EkYezQl657iRB2A20Rjw&usqp=CAU" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="165" data-original-width="305" height="108" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQoFj1pe6tJJcbMl_EkYezQl657iRB2A20Rjw&usqp=CAU" width="200" /></a></div><br />I've also published lots in the earlier years, then skipping over huge swaths of time with a tiny blurb here or there. AOL did away with Journals, Blogger/Blogspot allowed folks to transfer and transition, audiences shifted, frequency, fervency, and FB were factored in and the impact of each can be seen, of course. What does this mean NOW? <br /><br />Well, my recent past has been filled with me writing lots via FB's messenger/chat/PM/DM with particular individuals rather than engaging in creative writing, novels, manuscripts, short stories, etc. Blogging is a nice combination of the two, something a bit deeper and more significant than, "hey there, thanks for reaching out and being proactive by asking what it is that you'd like to know! You asked me to explain...and here's an explanation that will give you a better idea of....thanks, have a lovely day/evening/weekend" but not as personal as a card, letter, eMail. Part of my daily routine for so long has included writing, in some form; so I'll continue to write, tho I think that shifting the format in which I do write is right for me for right now.<br /><br />Right?<br /><br />How do you use writing in your life? Remember to consider texting, typing, longhand, email, cards, notes, etc. Do you leave notes for your roommate on the kitchen counter? Pack a post it note with the kids' lunches? Leave yourself a reminder on your steering wheel {"GAS, debRAHHH"} or in lipstick on your bathroom mirror {SMILE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL}?<br /><br />Did you use crayons to journal as a child? Do you still? Why do/not you do so now?<br /><br />Next up: Gratitude Journal!<p></p>Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-79162445445983754372020-05-30T16:04:00.000-05:002020-05-30T16:04:15.853-05:00Open Enrollment Today & Tomorrow<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyKprQxXgRCY2YezckP2eJOf_9T9-mwcF79ZIryyubP6R4OxQsmQx4lUCZe_F_8KBOlz72mAwYaUJAS0DB4cA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br /><br />Today and tomorrow, Dr V's Enrollement in the <a href="https://www.sleeveacademy.com/drvwlschallenge?fbclid=IwAR1TPS9dxalpsLncullDlF-tSIXjZMi_TtzbLcAEznSP9-BUF3sRAri-kvk" target="_blank">Challenge </a>is OPEN!!<br /><br />June's Theme: Accelerate Your Results Faster<br /><br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-1943443047692491592020-05-26T15:34:00.001-05:002020-05-26T15:34:16.401-05:00June's Challenge Enrollment Period: opens soonWatch the short video below.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dz64j9EykhS59vONz1CBqWZpiaYjnRnPEi0gNy_YIjzL8j0ETSUHN59ISVFQNK-yXJOekh7d9ttO2uJcakrAg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br /><br />Doc Vuong's youtube channel can be found <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp6n4PijvgR_rhDZx_X8xwQ" target="_blank">here</a>. I like this video in particular: <a href="https://youtu.be/cnfEzB0B_b4" target="_blank">Big Ass Salads</a>.<br /><br />Poke around the channel, see what all is there, watch a few videos to get a feel for his presentation style. If you can't get past his profanity to hear the message, then don't join the challenge; you will be too frustrated and won't benefit. There are folks in the challenge who don't like his fuckery, but still benefit from his messages; they choose not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Why? Because they are ready for the changes and to put the effort into themselves to craft the lives they want to live. They invest themselves, because they know they're worth it.<br /><br />I also mentioned the <a href="https://www.sleeveacademy.com/" target="_blank">Sleeve Academy</a>. Check it out. When June's enrollment opens, I will let you know!<br /><br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-33882689112304276602020-03-23T17:17:00.001-05:002020-03-23T17:17:56.920-05:00Starkville SEW Strong: OFFICIAL OCH-Approved Mask Patterns<a href="https://www.starkvillesewstrong.com/2020/03/official-och-approved-mask-patterns.html?spref=bl">Starkville SEW Strong: OFFICIAL OCH-Approved Mask Patterns</a>: There are two FREE patterns developed by Starkville SEW Strong that have been officially approved by OCH. Download a PDF of the pattern by c...Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-17095419929760630892020-01-22T09:47:00.002-06:002020-01-22T09:47:51.103-06:00Fourteen weeks and counting<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinyFfbVjAwvB6aisc96fU-X5IX5AR2K9KqX_Sp_QSsxPBRr2zIfLI62AZT0JnnQ1-UeARu51d-W-BKpchZAFfCJAp4p8eHuTfkJh-oBVaU_EBM4lGxQvOWdM923bZBd28UuDewI6CbpuE/s1600/Mon+6+Jan+2020+at+218lbs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="960" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinyFfbVjAwvB6aisc96fU-X5IX5AR2K9KqX_Sp_QSsxPBRr2zIfLI62AZT0JnnQ1-UeARu51d-W-BKpchZAFfCJAp4p8eHuTfkJh-oBVaU_EBM4lGxQvOWdM923bZBd28UuDewI6CbpuE/s400/Mon+6+Jan+2020+at+218lbs.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As of 6 January 2020, 217ish?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Having just passed my third month post~RnY, I can tell you that all my lab numbers are looking good with a few exceptions and even those are not significantly alarming, as I know what I need to do to correct the situation. It's been a struggle to get enough protein into me and stay hydrated, I usually have to focus on either one or the other as I wasn't getting either on a daily basis and so I have been switching up my strategy to be sure that I get at least one of the two each day. All my functions are indicating that my organs are getting what they need and so forth, tho it's the insufficient protein that is beginning to show up.<br /><br />I knew in theory that protein was important, but I didn't realize how in practice it really does make a difference in functioning and so forth. I'd prefer to get my proteins and micronutrients from the food I eat, but that is not happening for me just now. So I resumed consuming some protein supplements a few weeks ago. This is in the form of protein powders, drinks, bars, etc. I'm pretty selective about it tho, making sure that it is twenty grams or higher in protein {sometimes I don't eat a whole bar at one time, so that makes a huge difference overall}, as little sugar {or sugar alcohols} as possible and no more than three grams, and I do consider the overall caloric count as well {aiming for one hundred, but sometimes going as high was twice the amount of protein grams}. If it doesn't at least seem edible, then it is not going to do me much good sitting on the cupboard shelf, is it? nope. So I tried bunches of brands til I finally hit on one that is not quite making me shudder as I choke it down. In fact, some of the flavors within that specific brand are actually quite good to me right now.<br /><br />At this time, I'm about 3/4s of what I started at, weightwise. This means that I started about 280lbs in the beginning of September. I started to implement some of the eating methods and choices then, making the transition to a lower calorie count, no multiple portions, more water, focusing on nutrient dense and protein rich choices of foods. I'd also started to prepare for post surgery by stocking up on the vitamins and minerals I would need, as well as certain supplements.<br />
<br />
The morning of surgery, in midOctober, I weighed in at 257 and this morning I weighed 211. I've been tracking my intake of water, foods, vitamins/minerals, and supplements. Also, I've increased my physical activity slowly, walking and stretching. The tracker I'm using allows me to enter that as well.<br />
<br />
My husband is very encouraging, and is also joining me for the walking portion of things at the local sportsplex which has an indoor walking track ~~ cold bitter mornings and days are Mississippi's norm for this time of the year. When the weather does get nicer, we will use the parks' and a few tracks at the highschool and local university. So we do have plans in place.<br /><br />My counselor and I have been discussing satiety, cravings, and my relationship with food so that I can have a better handle on things when the grace period is over and I no longer have the safeguard that the surgery afforded me for the first six to eighteen months while my brain and digestive system figure out the chaos I've implemented on my own system in the desperate bid to reset my habits, so that I can learn some much better ones and have the consequences of not being able to physically over eat {if I do, I vomit} or eat sugars {ibid} or eat too fast {ditto}. I don't want to rely on that for too long tho and so really want to do all I can to develop better habits while I am in the conditioning phase of things due to paying consequences immediately for incorrect choices/behaviors.<br /><br />I have been focused on several things, so that I don't overwhelm myself; then as I get a handle on those things, I add one or two more to the good habit list. For example, I've pretty much gotten a good grip on the portion control with the good method of eating more slowly and chewing more thoroughly. Likewise, the routine of taking my meds as well as my vitamins/minerals is well established. So I've begun to add the increase in my physical activity along with maintaining those good habits.<br /><br />As far as goal setting goes, I do have a few that are not directly related to RnY but actually have some indirect ties. Now that I am sleeping better, waking earlier, and having more energy, I can actually DO some of the things that I have wanted to for quite some time. So I have some plans in place and have already started working on two of the three activities: writing and sewing. The third one is going thru the rest of mom's treasures so that I can be more prepared to give the items to some of her friends and family who have been patiently waiting for five years to receive them. That will start when things are no longer quite so cold in that part of the house as we only heat our actual living space that we use on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
Overall, I feel very positive about our New Year's activities thus far and plans for the future. I hope that you too are enjoying your January! Catch you next month for an update and what's new.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-52626766386617058182019-12-04T11:28:00.000-06:002019-12-04T11:28:39.041-06:00In memory of...Tomorrow will mark five years since my mother died. Yesterday marked fourteen years since my husband's first wife had died. In a few days, it will mark four years since my husband's mother died. It's a bittersweet week for us.<br />
<br />
In all the cases, the death was actually a bit of a relief because the dying was painful to witness, let alone to actually experience. That didn't make the grief experienced any lighter or less significant for those who loved so intensely that the absence of that person was and is felt so keenly. Dying is difficult for those engaged in that process; death is difficult for those left behind, still living, missing those who've died.<br />
<br />
My husband always takes the time to reflect on what Sue meant to him, how they were married for 29 yrs, raising five children into young adulthood, and other aspects of their life together. I think that this is very important to do, when Jerry feels like it. I know that Sue is a huge part of his life; she was there for all of his Coast Guard career, a fair portion of his career at Mississippi State University, through all of the babyhood, toddler years, childhood, teens, and into young adulthood for their children; through all the joys and hurts and laughter and tears for their family together and their own families of origin thru those years, almost three decades of intimately knowing each other and loving and living their lives together as a couple. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/6b7037_686b4a56f0cc4f11a4c991ebd7159986~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_253,h_169,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,blur_2/6b7037_686b4a56f0cc4f11a4c991ebd7159986~mv2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="169" data-original-width="253" src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/6b7037_686b4a56f0cc4f11a4c991ebd7159986~mv2.jpg/v1/fill/w_253,h_169,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,blur_2/6b7037_686b4a56f0cc4f11a4c991ebd7159986~mv2.jpg" /></a></div>
Those are times that continue to exist, even as they are in the past, because memories bring those experiences and emotions to life, yet again.<br />
<br />
My mother lived nearby the last two and half years of her life. Those were my favorite years with her. I was able to spend time with her, get to know her and relate to her, both of us being adults. We were able to make new memories and those are some of my most treasured involving her.<br />
<br />
I've mentioned before that she died of congested heart failure and have explained what that is in great detail, so I won't dwell on it here; except to say that is the same condition her own mother had at the time of her death too. Heart disease is prevalent in the maternal side of my family, with my uncle having had bypass when he was in his early thirties. Diabetes makes a strong presence in both my maternal and paternal sides of my family, as well as the associated comorbidities like high cholesterol, high triglycerides, obesity, and other conditions that cascade into other health complications until the complexities become the main focus of daily life for those individuals, consuming them so much that depression often adds to the entire mess, bringing along with it a whole slew of dimensional anxieties that cannot be easily addressed as they are integrated throughout every other aspect of their lives and those around them are affected in many ways as well.<br /><br />Fortunately my mom was able to keep a well balanced perspective on life in general and her health particularly. She did not become depressed, altho all the other conditions were present, including hypertension. After her cardiac arterial double bypass grafting, a couple weeks before her death, mom had talked with me about the need to get my weight under control, because she knew that this very thing that she was then experiencing lay in my own future, not all that far away.<br />
<br />
Yet even tho I knew that, I gained about another fifty pounds within the next six months and kept that weight on for the next five years. This was despite the many attempts to address it. This made me even more likely to develop the complications which high risk stage three obesity brings, as I was about 280 pounds and extremely frustrated with my failures to change my path for the future.<br /><br />So seven weeks ago, I had bariatric surgery, electing to go with gastric bypass {Roux-en-Y, which also called RnY} over other methods of surgery. I can tell a difference in the way my joints are relieved and no longer experiencing constant discomfort. I breathe much easier, without quite as much constriction. I have more energy, I'm sleeping better, and am not battling pervasive exhaustion. This morning, when I stepped on the scale, I was about fifty pounds lighter than I've been for about five years.<br /><br />I'm back to about the weight I was when my mother spoke with me after her heart surgery. I know I've a long way to go yet. This does feel like I'm moving in the right direction. To me, this particular time feels meaningful in oh! so many ways.<br /><br />Perhaps if you too are missing someone this holiday season, you can enjoy the memories and find your own meaning that will help to bring peace for you too.<br />
<br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-7322763104747122182019-12-01T11:26:00.000-06:002019-12-01T11:26:23.484-06:00Hello, December!Being that my husband's and my tenth wedding anniversary was only two weeks out from my RnY, I was not the perkiest person around. We'd had gone to Memphis and did tootle around town and did the things we wanted to do, even if the days were unseasonably cold for the end of October, which contributed to me feeling even more sluggish and slow. Picture my husband with his gimp leg and aching joints moving slowly and somewhat painfully with a sloth~speed wife who was even blinking slowly. We were a comical pair, however unintentional.<br /><br />So Jerry had suggested that on November 30th, we have another celebration of our anniversary. So as that day grew closer, I was giving thought to how we would spend the day. At first, we were going to go to an area event, but then as the forecast showed storms and the vegan event was outside, I nixed those plans.<br />
<br />
Finally, we decided to go out for lunch and then watch some movies together. However, I was not quite up to heading out yesterday, all cuddling warm and comfy and not up to braving the storms and post Thanksgiving traffic of impatient shoppers. So he made me baked tilapia instead, which was better than most restaurants would have been serving anyway.<br />
<br />
We watched "Yesterday", an excellent movie about a man who after an accident remembers things that have not occurred and don't exist in his new reality. Things like CocaCola, cigarettes, and the Beatles. There are some life lessons that he learns along the way, that are not drummed into us, the viewers, but are subtle in the way that life actually does occur.<br /><br />Then after that, we watched "Mary Poppins Returns", which was delightful and even better than I had thought it could be. Emma Blunt is perfectly suited for Mary Poppins and delivers a solid performance, embodying all the characteristics we've come to associate with Mary Poppins. Spit spot!<br />
<br />
Affinity, based on the novel by Sarah Waters, was next up. It does not have closed caption, so there were a few places I had to rewatch a scene or two so that I could be sure that I didn't miss anything that might be crucial later on. It is set in Victorian London, so there were a few things that my husband asked about, as customs are very different here and now. The movie was very good, but then again, I expected it to be: how can you go wrong with Sarah Waters?<br />
<br />
I continued to knit while we watched both the Dark Knight and the Dark Knight Rises. I was very surprised at how much I enjoyed them, the storylines were well told and developed, the movies were well cast, and I was ready for another sequel. But that was the end of Christopher Nolan's batman trilogy.<br />
<br />
It was a good day, comfortable and content. I managed to get my eight hours of solid sleep thru the night, with the exception being just before waking this morning, when I had the odd dream that was bound to cause some slight anxiety to my dream~self as it involved folks being perturbed with me over events I could not control, that I was not even involved with, and that hadn't actually happened in real life but that obviously had in the dream world. As I was waking, I felt a huge sense of relief as I thought, "a year or so ago, I would have woken in a panic, now it's mostly annoyance I feel".<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.hellowoodlands.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/Hello-December-660x400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="660" height="193" src="https://www.hellowoodlands.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/Hello-December-660x400.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Today is the first of December. Tho it is rather warm out today, tomorrow will prove to be a bit chillier with tomorrow evening dropping into the teens. That's downright cold no matter where you are! But it's all the more so for Mississippi as we spend the majority of our year in warmer temps and it feels like anything much cooler than midSixties is sweater weather, or at least a light jacket.<br />
<br />
Most universities and colleges are wrapping up their fall terms and students are preparing to return home for a few weeks on winter holidays. School children {and let's face it, teachers too} are counting down the days til christmas break, which for Mississippi will begin on or around December 20th. And shoppers are well aware that there are only a few weeks before Christmas.<br /><br />Office parties and other social engagements are beginning to happen in a flurry, with a few fundraisers and gala events squeezed in here and there. Churches have set out their nativity scenes and are set to perform plays, concerts, and the like. Cell phones are buzzing with the final arrangements of family dinners and so forth.<br /><br />In the hustle and bustle of all this, and lots more like cards and packages clogging the USPS bags and vehicles, a ton of travelers worry about the weather conditions and whether their flights will be grounded, and oh so much more; many of us will lose our focus, our intention, and our tempers. Mixed emotions seem to rule the season's greetings as we want to feel peace and joy, but are often annoyed and saddened instead.<br />
<br />
Waves of compassion are needed for most of us as we go about our days, stepping thru landmine fraught circumstances and events. Compassion for ourselves as we do face tricky situations, reminders, and so forth. Compassion for others as they too are facing their own turmoil, of which we may know very little or nothing.<br />
<br />
This month brings births and deaths, sadness and joy, renewal and exhaustion, and so much more. We feel an ending of another year passing and reviewing our goals for the year, most of us will feel disappointed with ourselves that we didn't accomplish more. But some of us will be celebratory of reaching and surpassing our goals, of knowing that we did a lot more this year than we might at first give ourselves credit for, of looking forward to spending these last few weeks of this year in the ways we want and carrying forward into the new year our eagerness toward all the possibilities that await. Some of us know that the many changes of this year that occurred within and around us brought about more personal growth and a more intimate knowledge of ourselves and loved ones, as we've moved on from hurtful relationships, strengthened existing relationships, and forged new relationships. Some of us have continued to exist, some of us have flourished, and some of us have ground ourselves into a rut of dissatisfaction that will continue until we changes something.<br /><br />This month, in so many ways, is not different from any other month. Unless we assign it meanings that make it stand out in various ways. Most of us will forget that, and feel that these meanings and moments exist outside of us, that we have nothing to do with how we perceive them because this day marks the anniversary of this death, or because that day means that we must encounter this unpleasant person, or because this other day means that these memories will arise and consume us, or because that other day means that we must do this or that. But in truth, we do get to perceive of each of these days and events, situations, and so forth in whatever way we ultimately choose to do so. Even if we think that is not so, that IS our choice, too.<br /><br />So, slow down, breathe, pause, be still. Give these things thought. And you decide how you proceed.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-74560596350303203052019-11-27T18:00:00.001-06:002019-11-27T18:00:46.799-06:00Proceed at your own paceI'm six weeks post -RnY. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Technically, I could now be eating solid foods, resuming a "normal" diet of foods, and incorporating the new normal into my life's routine. However, I am pretty far behind the suggested reintroduction of foods to see if I can tolerate them. It's ok tho, the scheduled stages are meant to be guidelines of the earliest you could possibly move from clear liquids, thru full liquids, into pureed, onto soft foods, and then as of yesterday, some forty days post bariatric surgery, solids. It's quite alright to take longer, which is a good thing, because it gives me permission to take my time, moving slower thru the textures, and allowing myself to fully heal as I experience every moment of this adventure.<br /><br />Last week, I started to resume drinking the high density protein shakes that I'd last had several days before surgery, in mid-October. Most folks begin to drink either the ready-made shakes or customized smoothies using protein powder toward the end of the first week. It's not that I had problems with the surgery, I didn't. Rather, I did have problems with dairy and by-products for several weeks after surgery. Most of the protein powders I have are whey based, tho I do have one that is pea protein, a vegan/plant based option. However, by the time I took a break from the failed attempts of consuming the protein shakes, I was so grossed out by the taste of them in general, I was loathe to give the pea protein a try.<br /><br />That meant for the first month, I was failing to hit my protein targets and that was a huge concern with more time passing. But it's all under control, for now. Getting my goals every day is more likely to happen than not, I am happy to say!<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I was feeling down, not really sick, but just off a bit. I gave some thought to what was going on for me and I realized that I needed to back off, remind myself of a few things, and give it another go, from where I am, rather than where the average bariatric patient is at the six week mark. The truth of the matter is, I am not yet ready to breeze into solids, or even most softs, tho purees are more my speed, and the protein smoothies are considered full liquids, while I'm still relying on clear liquids at times.<br />
<br />
I also realized today that as far as purees go, half and ounce to an ounce is about all I can handle at the moment. That's when I begin to feel that pressure and much past that, I will end up paying the consequences of too much, too fast, or too advanced. I've learned that regurgitation is not a one shot thing; it lasts for quite some time, up to three or four hours in my case. That means that my stomach pouch has been agitated, stressed, and perhaps even strained for a good portion of my afternoon or evening.<br />
<br />
Finally, I asked myself why I was doing that. Stop pushing, just relax. Let things progress in a way that feels better and more well suited for ME and my stomach pouch. Taking that pressure off that I didn't even know I'd been putting on myself feels really good, I must say.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.how-to-draw-funny-cartoons.com/images/draw-a-turkey-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="469" data-original-width="500" height="300" src="https://www.how-to-draw-funny-cartoons.com/images/draw-a-turkey-001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
This year, we had decided to not travel, not host, not commit to another's gathering. It's a bit different, to not see my husband preparing his traditional turkey, slow roaster in the counter top electric NESCO. I would not have been able to eat it anyway, certainly not the dressing or the gravy that was entirely new to me when I met him, eleven years ago. I've had gravy with giblets in them, just not with hardboiled eggs and an assortment of stuffs that yields an entire stew pot worth of rich liquid that his kids have eaten as a soup of sorts.<br />
<br />
Jerry and I chose to stay home, catching a few things on the TV, like football games of course, and maybe a TiVo'd episode or two of some of the shows we are woefully behind on. Tomorrow evening, at the Eggbowl, the annual Thanksgiving gridiron face off between Ole Miss and State, is also seniors' night for our players here at MSU.<br />
<br />
I'm sure that I will wander off, opting to listen to an audio book {It Occurs to Me that I am America} while crafting a project or two. Or maybe writing some cards that I remembered this afternoon to address, either mailing them next week or dropping them by when I'm in town, to various folks. Or doing some other activity like reading a book my husband recommended to me, as it is due on Monday at the public library downtown.<br />
<br />
Early in the afternoon, a friend just down the road will be putting dinner on the table for her family and a few friends. She's invited us both, but Jerry's likely to enjoy the quiet here at home and I will pop in for a bit. I've never seen a fried turkey up close and personal, again won't be able to try it, but I still cannot quite believe that you can fry a turkey in about an hour.<br /><br />Today, my husband made me some hummus that is less spicy than the store bought types. It has a touch of garlic and lemon, but skips over the oils and the heavier ingredients of a typical recipe. I was needing a bit more fiber than I've been getting, but need it to be still fairly gentle on my stomach, so hummus suits me fine.<br />
<br />
He also blended some limas {my favorite veg as a child, it still ranks high on my list, probably right after broccoli} with some ground turkey he had frozen the last time he roasted a turkey. Again, he watched the spices since that's just not something I can handle right now. I'm all set for a bit!<br /><br />Happy festivals with friends and family! Travel safely. Remember to take some time to cool down if you are finding things are getting too tense and you are rather frazzled. And enjoy the time you do have.<br /><br />
<br /><br />
<br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-6622102912575577992019-11-26T06:18:00.000-06:002019-11-26T06:18:02.916-06:00Grateful GratitudeEvery morning, my Jerry sends me an eMail with a synopsis of items in the newspapers that he either found interesting or that he thought I'd want to know. He includes a few comic strip titles that he enjoyed that day, which sometimes I can look up and sometimes I cannot. I've gotten to take for granted that he will be taking the time and making the effort to do this for me; so when I don't receive it by midMorning, I get a lil impatient, as tho I were entitled to this lagniappe that he does for me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.wannado.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/thankful-696x679.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="679" data-original-width="696" height="312" src="https://www.wannado.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/thankful-696x679.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Earlier this week, I thought about the various things he does that I don't appreciate or express that, in the way that my Jerry deserves. It's all the lil things that make my life easier, richer, more meaningful, and very satisfying. There are so many of them, that once I started to give the matter some specific attention, I was tearing up with gratitude.<br />
<br />
He's such a good man and so sweet to me.<br />
<br />
This week is Thanksgiving for us USAmericans. The day means something slightly different for every one of us. In my family of origin, Thanksgiving was our most significant holiday. There were lots of traditions that we built and put into practice. For me, as a young adult, even when I was away from my family, I carried on many of those traditions like a full spread of roasted turkey with filling and stuffing {what folks here in the south call "dressing"}, sweet potatoes, succotash, creamed corn, pineapple salad, cranberry sauce {made with fresh cranberries}, and an assortment of pies. Friday, when so many folks are shopping, I'd be baking cookies and cakes for gifts of appreciation. Often that baking would continue on thru the weekend and end on Monday with a huge pot of chili, using the left over turkey.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://miro.medium.com/max/6761/1*ttFpGXkJH4E-P2xNmRRsog.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="497" data-original-width="800" height="198" src="https://miro.medium.com/max/6761/1*ttFpGXkJH4E-P2xNmRRsog.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Then there were some life circumstances that tapped my energy and made that a difficult activity to do. I would sometimes go to others' dinners, but it never quite felt right. I missed doing those traditions, the meaningfulness that we ourselves assigned the holiday.<br />
<br />
Eventually, I met Jerry and our first Thanksgiving was so full of stories, his family of creation's traditions, people, activity, and so forth that I felt comfortable, like the way coming home should feel. He cooked his three main dishes: the slow roasted turkey that goes into the counter top Nesco; the huge stew pot of gravy, with hardboiled eggs; and the cornbread dressing. At the time, I made all the side dishes, the vegetable salad, the cranberry sauce, the limas, and the creamed corn. I baked bread, using the methods my mom taught me when I was a child, and pies from scratch, worrying over the "foolproof" crust. And no one ate anything but the turkey, gravy, and dressing. Eventually, I stopped putting the effort into doing the sides and would completely relax, getting up about an hour before the early dinner at eleven in the morning; showing up at the table, sometimes setting it, sometimes not; and eating, with seconds, sometimes thirds.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM0ecHoQyOjkZf3QVoRPCKw4zY_puhLSgxUK0RqsBzIraFVRLak1CVXWAMPAyjBrVkOv0akQ4nB7DxIDyJqQUbgd-pA9xYcVXx-81AMtQ5JnTn0Q3qomQ1ix3QlGngmLKTlp9LKNtlLX8/s1600/egg-bowl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="308" data-original-width="553" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM0ecHoQyOjkZf3QVoRPCKw4zY_puhLSgxUK0RqsBzIraFVRLak1CVXWAMPAyjBrVkOv0akQ4nB7DxIDyJqQUbgd-pA9xYcVXx-81AMtQ5JnTn0Q3qomQ1ix3QlGngmLKTlp9LKNtlLX8/s320/egg-bowl.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Now tho, this year, my husband and I opted to have a quiet day, just the two of us. I may go visit a friend who has invited me to her place just down the road, and grab a few nibbles of turkey and vegetables. Jerry and I will enjoy our peaceful home, satisfied with each other and life in general. He will watch football, especially that evening's EggBowl, the annual tradition of Ole Miss and MSU having it out on the field. It's an odd year, so the game is here, at State. I will listen to some audio books, via Hoopla; or crochet or knit; or write; or do all of these activities. We will be content, just as we are thru~out most of the year, most every day. And I will enjoy that very much.<br />
<br />
Because I've made a point to focus on the people, actions, and things I am grateful for; I have a fuller heart and these are in the forefront of my mind. We are not traveling, preoccupied with the road, other drivers, the weather, where we are going, what we will be doing, whom we will spend time with, and when we will be returning home. We are not hosting, preparing rooms, beds, baths, tables, food, food, and more food. We are simply relaxing, enjoying each other and life.<br />
<br />
And I am more grateful than I can adequately express.<br /><br /><br />
<br />
<br /><br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-69698124488489135262019-11-23T08:10:00.000-06:002019-11-23T08:10:22.208-06:00Working on Month TwoI'm just a lil over five weeks post RnY now, working on my sixth week. Some changes I've noticed are that my hips, lower back by the sacrum, and knees feel OH! so much better! Tho my midThoracic region is a bit tense, which is new for me. I think I had been relying on the fat to hold my back in an upright position, so now, I really need to work on my posture and strengthening those muscles so that I'm not a limp noodle or the wavy inflatable guy.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYMoQ_3JY4AWmbi5bWt5p0KwMRksh_IAX8Ihc6M6eIiXMNmxSqDebigR1MrfDcU22oDlRCEJ0WBQ1rniL5UMXRO_AKYxnBBf2S94rs-fV07enaPi8c2qTznOAbL05NNeeSJJuE6P2O2WE/s1600/november+fog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="855" data-original-width="1140" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYMoQ_3JY4AWmbi5bWt5p0KwMRksh_IAX8Ihc6M6eIiXMNmxSqDebigR1MrfDcU22oDlRCEJ0WBQ1rniL5UMXRO_AKYxnBBf2S94rs-fV07enaPi8c2qTznOAbL05NNeeSJJuE6P2O2WE/s320/november+fog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I can breathe lots easier, which is good, esp with winter coming on and folks coughing and spewing their germs everywhere. I've more energy, not so sluggish, getting up earlier and awake, rather than taking time to wake fully and then needing a nap and then not getting to sleep at night. I've been maintaining a good healthy sleep schedule that allows me to function much better.<br /><br />My blood pressure is still some high, but I expected that to take some time to moderate into a lower more healthy range. I'll be going for labs to check various functions and levels in midJanuary, three months out. I've been hitting all my micronutrient goals, so I'm pretty sure I'll be sitting pretty.<br /><br />I do need to increase my water intake. I've been working on it, while not sacrificing any of my other targets, like protein, vitamins/minerals/supplements {like acidophilus and omega 3-6-9}, and my regular medications that I'd been taking pre-surgery {well, pretty much in one form or another for fifteen years now}. I feel I'll get the water thing this week and then be able to keep it stable at the goal or above.<br />
<br />
The lower intake of water explains a few slight difficulties I am having, like constipation and a bit of a weight loss stall. It's not a plateau, as it has only been a week or so. It's just my body adjusting and so I'm not impatient or freaked. But I did have to remind myself that it's normal and not to worry so.<br />
<br />
I'm a bit behind the suggested food stages and textures; that's quite alright, it's better to be safe by taking it slowly than to rush things and hurt myself. So I'm actually more on the full liquids than anything else, tho I do a few soft foods at this point. Last week, I was able to start the protein shakes again; for the first month, dairy and its by-products {like whey}were not being very friendly with me. But we've reached a truce and I'm happy to say that altho I don't care for the ready made drinks as much as I do my own smoothies, I am now getting my protein in adequate amounts.<br />
<br />
I'm not huge on chemicals and processed foods, but I do like the <a href="https://www.si03.com/whey-shake.php" target="_blank">Syntrax Promina Whey Protein Shake powder</a> more so than the other protein powders that I've tried. I also have some pea protein vegan powder that I'll be trying in a bit, but not right now. When I find something that works for my system, I am cautious about switching to something else until I am a bit more stable.<br /><br />Right now, since I've been eating/drinking slower, stopping when I feel it's time, and consuming things that I know I'm good with; I've not been regurgitating. That is a HUGE YEA!! me!! Especially since the wear and tear that 'urping does tends to last actively for three or four hours. Then I'm pretty much miserable and worn out.<br /><br />Do something dumb, pay the consequences. Treat yourself right, feel much Much MUCH better. Sometimes lessons bear repeating. Again and again. Hopefully my "agains" are lots less fewer, cuz I think I got this, for now anyway.<br /><br />Sometimes introducing new foods doesn't go so well. That's why most programs recommend doing that at home rather than elsewhere. Makes sense to me.<br /><br />It's great that I've lots of support, both near and far. Thank you oh! so much, for being so encouraging and inquisitive and interested in my monologues which tend to focus on meMeME at this point. I'm so fascinated by this experience that it seems that's all I can focus on right now. Eventually the newness will wear off and I'll be all, what's this, and this, could it be, and that, oh that other thing, let's check it out, and there, what's there, come with me and look, oh my! But for now, that's all focused in the realm of postRnY and what sort of effects that has on the digestive system, the body as a whole, and the communication with the brain and gut.<br />
<br />
<br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-1024916289752516162019-11-10T09:54:00.003-06:002019-11-10T09:54:47.869-06:00Tomorrow is Veterans' Day: Thank YOU<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEiZFLZdZkS4E7EDKbHV1lVDEvvftFg7XhhmxIP8di1b8k0bKUvX_NOBKxNO3DwD-9Pvk4whuddH-W-9Xcu9it0PeEh87dWHigcnSG6zI526D8zoTptnwkjyWOcF_J-DhxjHw2L4WGdd6j4W64jXpPhkMqTE6h0xVX_lGV9ZAfZ9Bt1EeQEaJVklgA=s0-d-e1-ft" /> This is a day early, but I wanted to wish all those Vets out there a very significant Veterans' Day. I know that for some, this is a joyous time. For others, it is a solemn day full of ceremonies and memories, thoughts of the lost comrades who are no longer with us. Many find this a day that brings mixed emotions, both gratitude for where they are now and sadness for those left behind, and anger and frustration for the hard fought, hard won benefits that were promised and yet withheld for such a very long time.<br />
<br />
So for all the veterans in my life and everywhere, you are important to us all, even those who don't always say, "thanks". For my sweet husband, I love you so. I've learned so much from you over the last decade and I'm always so proud of you for so many reasons. You're more wonderful than you realize.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-59406135379879671742019-11-09T20:14:00.001-06:002019-11-09T20:14:44.368-06:00Swimming thru the VilliYesterday was the start of my fourth week, post bariatric surgery. I'm now technically into my soft food stage of healing and reintroducing foods to my Rumbly Tummy. However, I tend to still do much better with broths and soups as a whole. I have tried some other things; but like dairy, most things just aren't agreeing with me yet and I'm not going to force the issue. Tho sometimes my mouth does write checks my stomach pouch is all like, nope Nope NOPE not cashing that, and oohpsie, it comes back up. Usually I get myself to the bathroom in enough time, but sometimes what I think is a burp, is substantially more. Would that be a vurp?<br /><br />Mushrooms seem to go down nicely, like the ones in the Tom Kha that most any Thai restaurant will serve. Mostly it's a matter of remembering to take my time and chew thoroughly. It is SO a learning process; I'm getting better at noticing and predicting. Most of the sensations are entirely new to me and I am not always sure if that particular one usually means this or if that feeling there is a one off and not likely to occur on a regular basis. After all, I am still healing and not all sensations are my new normal, some are going to happen only through the healing stage; others are truly wow, ok, I hope that does not occur again.<br /><br />Since I don't use facebook and other platforms that would have support groups, I rely on a few folks whom I know have experienced either RNY or gastric sleeve and also my own research online to answer a few questions. If I am truly concerned, I eMail my follow up doc and nutritionist and ask! They both respond quickly and are very thorough in their explanations.<br /><br />However, I don't have any major concerns and am healing nicely. My external incisions, including my drainage port, are healing well and are likely to continue doing so. My internal anastomoses are, I think, healing as they should be. I'm experiencing no pain, nor constant pressure or discomfort. I have no fevers or swelling indicating inflammation. The only regurgitation occurs when I've eaten too fast, too much, or something that is too soon for my system to handle yet.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/aa/Microvilli.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="640" height="140" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/aa/Microvilli.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
So picture a shag rug rolled up so that the plush extensions are on the inside of that tube. That's what the jejunum is like. It's the second part of the small intestine and its function is to allow the well chewed tiny bits of food to go thru the finger~like villi that coat the entire inside of jejunum so that all those projections can pull the micro- and macro- nutrients out of the sustenance. Since that is connected directly to the end of my stomach pouch, it means that if I want food to go thru that efficiently, I not only need to chew, Chew, CHEW but I also need to not drink anything for about half an hour before or after, so that I don't flush the proteins or micronutrients thru like having the water on full force before the plumber's helper has a chance to do its thing in your house pipes. Or rinsing the dye out of your hair before it's set. Or any one of the other examples that might spring to mind.<br /><br />It also means tho that soups and broths and the food that's all soaking wet is easier on my system right now than comparatively drier and substantially firmer white meat of chicken and turkey or raw carrots and radishes or even flaky fish and shrimp. All very tasty things yes, but not practical at this point.<br /><br />Baby steps, Debra, baby steps.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-32754727718594850462019-10-29T05:49:00.001-05:002019-10-29T05:49:24.216-05:00Drinking myself into a soup stupor {only you, debra, only you}<br />
The following is an excerpt of an eMail I wrote to my friend this morning, cuz if she will laugh aloud upon reading and then snicker from time to time upon recall. Cuz that's the kinda friend she is, college friends make wonderful friends for all time, if you cultivate the friendship just right. {{THANKS FOR BEING THAT FRIEND, Christi!!}}<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://thesaurus.plus/img/antonyms/197/stupor.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="650" height="196" src="https://thesaurus.plus/img/antonyms/197/stupor.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size: small;">
OMG, I drank myself into a stupor last night because apparently i CAN'T HANDLE MY SOUP. Ok, I don't know if you've seen the differences in various ways that a stomach pouch can be created, but my surgeon connected the bottom of my truncated stomach to the side of my jejunum, which is an end to side anastomosis {connection}. With a gastric sleeve, you've still your pyloric valve at the end of you stomach that controls the amount of the contents of your stomach that flow into your intestines {duodenum at that point, that's the first part of your small intestine}. So with mine, I have no regulation between my tum and my jejunum {the second part of the small intestine}. Which means that liquid just flows right thru doesn't get all hung up in this new lil tummy. Which is great on one hand, it means I stay nice and hydrated as long as I drink my water. It takes some getting used to on the other, because when it comes to water and similar fluids of that consistency, you don't feel full in the upper anastomosis, which is your brand new pouch.<br /><br />So that means that about half an hour later, when the soup hit my large intestine, a wave of sleepiness overtook me and so I laid down, not thinking about how that would probably cause said fluid, now mixed with bile and other stomach acids from the remainder of my stomach that is now connected to my second/lower anastomosis just before my large intestine, to perhaps slosh around and backlog into the small intestine a bit cuz my body CAN'T HANDLE THE CONFUSION of what the what is going on here?!?!</div>
<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<br /></div>
<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size: small;">
Which is so not a pleasant feeling and also meant that like a sleepy doll, when you lay me down, my eyes go shut and that signifies I am now sleeping. Or at least in a very groggy state. As in, better be in bed when you take the dose of nyquil groggy state. So I staggered to bed, muttering, "see you tomorrow, AquaMan." Followed with, "stupid stupid stupid" followed by "soup stupor". My bed is a long way from the couch. My toilet is exactly 12 Steps from my bed, as I verified a multitude of times last night because peeing is my body's favorite way to rid myself of any liquid toxins that make it to my large intestines and I was mildly hallucinating about Jason Momoa arising from my bowl of soup with a giant spoon instead of his trident, glaring at me, and proclaiming, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SOUP."</div>
<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<br /></div>
<div class="gmail_default" style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif; font-size: small;">
Well, it WAS cream of mushroom. But not THOSE kind of mushrooms. sigh.<br /><br />It's a learning process.</div>
Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-11927597373610173852019-10-26T14:25:00.002-05:002019-10-26T14:25:24.953-05:00My thought process behind Weight Loss Surgery {WLS}/Bariatric Surgery/Gastric Bypass {Roux en Y or RNY}Next week, my husband and I celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary. TEN. Which reminded me how quickly time passes. My mother, whose birthday would have been yesterday, died almost five years ago. FIVE. Again, with the time flying by thing.<br />
<br />
My mom had said to me, about two or three weeks before she died, when she was still in the cardiac unit, just days after her open heart surgery that I really needed to get my weight under control, so that I would have less of a chance of facing something like that myself. I totally agreed.<br /><br />I should have already gotten a handle on my weight. Thing was, when I did conscientiously try to lose weight over the years, I'd not only regain the weight, but often another three to ten pounds. I thought that I'd have some time to get it under control, because I was sure that it was a matter of willpower alone. And I figured I just didn't have enough.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk57rn4gDwrL166UAvDLnHjumHMxqxx81zBxvS6RW0zLqj9IyWkggqku9EXRDOqbyeftR-DeRD2-WHHj2Knr5HO6AIxdwxP_irUr9V1mTBPsxJLlD_TEYRd1eQNZu2OUxlWkeZN01cNhE/s1600/gastric_bypass.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk57rn4gDwrL166UAvDLnHjumHMxqxx81zBxvS6RW0zLqj9IyWkggqku9EXRDOqbyeftR-DeRD2-WHHj2Knr5HO6AIxdwxP_irUr9V1mTBPsxJLlD_TEYRd1eQNZu2OUxlWkeZN01cNhE/s320/gastric_bypass.png" width="320" /></a>There were many things that took priority and I was sure that once I focused on weight loss, I'd conquer that just like I had dealt with so much other stuff. So, when I realized that now's getting down to the nitty gritty for more reasons than one, I considered a plethora of options regarding weight loss.<br /><br />Here are a few of the other reasons I wanted to address this: I turn fifty next year. My mother, and her mother, and her mother all died from end stages of heart failure. They were all in their early to mid~sixties. Altho I do not have current heart issues, I am having some slight pulmonary issues, due to obesity. My joints are wearing, starting to grind, click, and stiffen. Multiple systems are burdened with the extra weight and not running as efficiently as they could. I've been borderline hypertensive for a couple years now. Diabetes runs prevalently in both sides of my family. And fifteen years will fly by in the blink of an eye, meaning that my midSixties are a lot closer than I may have realized.<br /><br />Also, my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. He takes after his grandparents {who both lived until they were 98} and is in excellent health, in most all ways except one that is a neurological issue. I'd like to be around as long as I can to enjoy spending time with him. And as the neurological issue worsens his ability to learn new tasks, and affects his memory, so that even things he knew how to do become more of a mystery to him; I'd like to be around to continue to have my love enjoy as much of his time as possible.<br /><br />So my weight has been a HUGE matter of concern. I moved it to the top priority on my list, really focusing on it. This summer, I started to do some rather intense research.<br /><br />My husband had had gastric bypass three years before I met him. So by the time I came into his life, he was already at the weight his is now, about 155, plus or minus a few pounds. From time to time, he'd suggested gastric bypass as an option for me to look into, but I was sure I could manage my weight loss without such a drastic move as surgery. But this summer, I realized that if that were true, I've have done that by now.<br /><br />If you do have an interest about my findings during the research process, just ask. By the time I made a much more definitive decision on my own course of action, I probably could have written a dissertation proposal on the psychotropic pharmacokinectics of bariatric patients. One third of all bariatric patients do take psychotropics of one form or another both prior and post surgery. So it was very surprising to me that there is limited information available, research studies published in peer reviewed medical journals first began to address this area only about seven years ago. Most of them agree on two main things: more research is needed and extended release medications should be replaced with immediate release versions.<br /><br />Once I had made my decision to pursue gastric bypass surgery in earnest, I contacted numerous programs and facilities with highly detailed questions that most could not readily answer. This was a great way to narrow the pool of acceptable programs and surgeons. I spoke with, via live stream video, several surgeons {this is not the norm, it's that the questions I asked were interesting to the surgeons and they were willing to provide explanations}. Once I was satisfied that I thoroughly understood the process, along with the risks and benefits, I began to consider where I wanted to go.<br /><br />Let me take a break here and explain that here in the USA, the insurance companies often exert a certain amount of control over what procedures can be performed on particular individuals. The main priority is not your health, it is lower liability and higher profits. The bariatric professionals are often NOT consulted or even considered when it comes to policy for the insurance companies, nor are the approval criteria reasonable, in some cases, the requirements are considered unnecessarily strict by those dealing with metabolic and bariatric issues.<br /><br />Knowing ahead of time this and also that my husband's first wife spent over three years jumping thru hoops, tests, doc visits, etc all out of pocket {the insurance companies do not usually pay for procedures and such that a patient needs to perform in order to satisfy the insurance companies' criteria and prerequisites}, which created more stress and more health problems for her. She was approved, but many are not; the fact that I have pre~existing {albeit well managed for about fifteen years now} mental health diagnoses would very much count against me. Only one fourth of those with mental health &/or neurological disorders are approved for bariatric surgery of any type, less so for gastric bypass.<br /><br />However, let's say that I was approved. Not counting the out of pocket expenses to go thru the prerequisite process to gain approval; just considering the co~pay alone, it would have been MORE than to go elsewhere to obtain services with higher success rates, fewer complication rates, and better overall healthcare. So I looked at programs indepth elsewhere.<br />
<br />
I ruled out quite a few countries, including Canada, right away. In the end, I decided on Mexico. Tijuana has a booming medical tourism industry. The market for bariatric services is intensely competitive there. If a program is not good, it doesn't survive. Too many eyes, not just those of the health department, but from other programs, facilities, surgeons, and the patients themselves, are scrutinizing every aspect that exists and then some.<br />
<br />
Personal opinion can be expressed and seen in evaluations, so I kept that in mind when I did narrow down the programs and surgeons to a mere handful and turned toward reading reviews from past patients and there are always those who "know of" someone who had some horror story to share. There were some that seemed legitimate and some that were just not quite believable because details were vague or missing altogether or because conflicting factual evidence was easily obtained.<br /><br />My surgeon actually teaches at one of the foreleading programs that focuses on Bariatric Surgery. This to me was the cherry atop the whipped frosting on the ice cream cake that I can no longer have, unless it's enjoyment of the memory of such a thing. I do have those memories. Yummy.<br /><br />My package for the program included shuttle service from the San Diego airport across the border to the Tijuana Marriott Bonvoy, Executive Suite; the hotel stay and expenses such as my chicken broth, popsicles, bottles of water, etc; shuttle service to the CER Hospital; the pre op tests, lab work, and other services; the surgery, including all the services like the anesthesiology, etc; the post surgery recovery period, including all medications, and three additional nights at the hospital; all my meals at the hospital; the shuttle returning to the hotel; two additional nights at the hotel, including executive lounge services and my food; a shuttle tour thru Tijuana with extremely well informed drivers who know what the bariatric patients are allowed to have, so we stopped at a place which served five types of paletas that were acceptable for us to have; and the shuttle services from the hotel, back across the border to the San Diego airport. Everything was included for one companion {for me, it was my husband} except his meals outside of the executive lounge at the Marriott.<br /><br />All expenses, including those listed above, gas to and from our local airport, the seven day long term parking, the house/petsitter fee, and the two round trip flights from Jackson MS to San Diego CA cost LESS than the copay for most insurance companies for the surgery alone {not considering hospital expenses that accrue or any of the other expenses that mount up here and there}. There were no hidden expenses with the Tijuana Bariatric Center's program. They are very forthcoming with all the details, including that the hotel asks for a one hundred dollar deposit for your stay that can be reimbursed if you do not run up any expenses such as the minibar or eating at the restaurants within the hotel. That's pretty standard practice in the USA as well, so no big surprise that the hotel would do so there.<br /><br />Every one, from the USA coordinator, to the shuttle drivers, to the hotel personnel, to the nurses, to the Mexico coordinator, to the surgeon, to the anesthesiologist, to the follow up Dr, to the nutritionist, every one was an absolute delight to deal with. I know that not everyone has the same experience, even if the same things occur, because perspectives and expectations are different. I did a ton of research and pretty much knew what to expect.<br /><br />There was only one matter that concerned me and I did bring it to the attention of all the other areas of the program so they might be able to consider several other alternative courses of action, including asking the patient to sign a release of liability so that the patient can retain control of their usual medications that they have taken that are not related to the hospital stay or procedure, provided that the surgeon approves the continuation of those medications. I did get prior approval and would have gladly signed a liability waiver. However I did surrender my usual medications to the hospital's pharmacy for dispensing to me. There was an issue with the scheduling of when they administered those meds; however, it was for a limited time, several days, and I was able to reinstitute my own schedule once I was discharged.<br />
<br />
This was the ONLY issue I had encountered out of a week's stay in Mexico. Now I don't know about you, but I have never had any hospital stay, medical in office procedure, etc that went so smoothly as this major surgery involving multiple agencies, including the potential for complications due to language barriers and misunderstandings. I speak next to no Spanish and yet no one chided me for that; in fact, a couple nurses apologized to me for not speaking very good English, while I was in THEIR country. Most of them spoke better English than quite a few USAmerican adults whom I encounter every week.<br />
<br />
Thank you, to everyone involved. I appreciate you more than you know. Thank you.<br />
<br /><br />
<br />
<br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-3605467618708471182019-09-14T16:21:00.002-05:002019-09-14T16:21:47.351-05:00k~12<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/2HtaIvb61Uk/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2HtaIvb61Uk?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
Sometimes, I come across some pretty cool stuff on youtube. I might not always like the every aspect of a video, but I love the creativity involved, the effort the artist put forth, and new~to~me elements that tickle me or make me gasp in surprise. Melanie Martinez's K-12 is a full length film that is fresh off the premiere list, having just been released about ten days ago. I'm only about fifteen minutes in and am already loving it.<br /><br />What think you?Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-81881715701448084732019-09-13T20:15:00.001-05:002019-09-13T20:15:23.750-05:00Here's a lil PMJ:We're basically one week out from the autumnal equinox, when the days and nights are the same length, harvesting continues, growing seasons are dwindling to a close for most produce, and the hot days of summer are a thing of the past. Well, in theory. In reality, we're still hitting triple digit figures once the heat index is factored in~~that Mississippi moistness will get ya every time.<br /><br />Overall though, I do feel less summery and more fall~like. Maybe it's partially due to football being heavily featured three or four days of the week; which means loud announcers on the TV, constant crowd noise, unintelligible referee calls, football players who sound vaguely like adults in Charlie Brown's world, and cringing dogs huddled under my computer desk. It could also be the teas that I've been brewing and consuming, all of which have a distinctively autumn harvest or holiday spice flavor, as I was taste testing for selection of teas to offer in our fundraiser teacups and saucers in the effort to bring <a href="http://movinginthespirit.org/" target="_blank">Moving in the Spirit</a>, a dance troupe from Atlanta, here to Starkville.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/m3lF2qEA2cw/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/m3lF2qEA2cw?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
Recently, we had our front door replaced and were considering curtains for it. Mostly, the ones we viewed were autumnly themed, as that's the overarching decor of our home...we like the warm golds, burnt oranges, deep maroons. I look ahead at the calendar to see what all is on our schedule and in addition to the football games, we'll be attending a <a href="https://postmodernjukebox.com/" target="_blank">PostModern Jukebox</a> show in a few weeks.<br /><br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-4752680212594806632019-09-05T14:49:00.001-05:002019-09-05T14:49:50.043-05:00Keep On Keeping On<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/ft5aY1I22j4/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ft5aY1I22j4?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
A friend shared this with me today, I'd like to pass it on. My Silver Lining is the song, written and performed by <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Aid_Kit_(band)" target="_blank">First Aid Kit</a>. This video is visually and auditorily stunning, a treat that gave me a lil delight this afternoon. Maybe it will for you too!<br /><br />Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-79435843432298745422019-09-04T10:10:00.002-05:002019-09-04T10:10:56.480-05:00Don't Give Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/VjEq-r2agqc/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VjEq-r2agqc?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
When I was about seventeen or so, back in the 80s when mix tapes were a thing, my friend Hal gave me one that expanded my musical horizons quite a bit. I loved Hal from the minute I met him; how could I not? He was Jim's partner, together they were witty and kept our kitchen full of laughter whenever they visited my family. Hal was quiet, thoughtful, a reader, and willing to discuss pretty much anything. Even after he and Jim were no longer a couple, we remained friends with both.<br />
<br />
I'd never heard Kate Bush before he introduced her to me with this duet with Peter Gabriel. Don't Give Up is one of the most heartfelt songs I've ever heard. The music, the lyrics, both their voices, and this video simply combine to evoke a complex set of emotions that include encouragement, exhaustion, and comfort. It's the love that we all long for, an embrace full of care that we can give our own selves...because we were wanted all along, even when we are sunk in despair. That soothing balm allows my soul to relax, feeling safe and cared for, even when I don't realize that I'm needing just that. This song has always affected me so. I can feel my own love and care grow and swell, pouring forth from me in swirls that enfold and cradle. This song generates so much for me, within me, and I want to give that too.<br /><br />Hal gave me Bush's <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dreaming_(album)" target="_blank">The Dreaming</a>, it blew my mind. When she released The Sensual World, I did a thing I rarely did; I bought the cassette brand spanking new. I experienced much with Hal, but this gift was the most meaningful, because it calls forth so much, in just a few seconds, so effortlessly.<br /><br />I miss him so; his quiet strength was so characteristic of him that he maintained it throughout his battles and quick demise. His death was the first I'd witnessed that bore such dignity and awareness; my first brush with AIDS and the helpless frustration of being powerless to ease another's suffering was overwhelming for me, as tangential as my role had been. Sweet Hal, oh so gentle, such a good man gone way too soon. His gifts of then keep giving me so much still. Thank you.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3464032907973429949.post-73575247910417417772019-09-03T04:17:00.000-05:002019-09-03T04:17:05.451-05:00Summer's EndThe summer is cooling down, coming to an end. Not just according to the calendar, convention, and school year, but also because football season has started and it's now after Labor Day. The day after Labor Day last year is when I started wearing my Halloween dresses. I normally detest rushing the holidays, but I had already waited nine months to wear those dresses, which I had bought just post christmas the previous year.<br /><br />But this past year, I've made a few minor changes to my wardrobe, which was pretty major for me. For one thing, I tend to wear things for decades. I also don't really follow fads, or seasonal fashions that are trending. I find something that I like to wear, that fits and that flatters, that feels good and is comfortable. Then I get it in every color I can and wear the shit out of it. This explains why I have this off the off the shoulder, lacy, fit and flare dress in green, purple, royal blue, navy blue, red, and black.<br /><br />I also have many maxi dresses, thin nylon beach wear that is super easy to wash, pretty much wrinkle resistant, and that makes them the perfect travel garments. So in March when my husband and I set off on our train trip across the states to San Diego and then cruised thru the South Pacific Islands, flying back home five weeks after we left, the majority of my clothing was suitably tropical. We had a great time, an ideal way to celebrate our tenth anniversary.<br /><br />Last year, prior to the holidays, there was a commercial that used Redbone's Come & Get Your Love. I love that song, it always makes me feel like dancing in that sort of carefree way I did as a child, when it was popular the first time around. February of this year, I played that song all the time, because it made me feel encouraged, to be brave and go for what I want, even tho I have self doubts, and worry about flaws with my beautiful mind. It was my "psych me up" song, a sort of "you can do this, cuz it's alright"; I got this. And I did.<br />
<br />
For two years now, I've done an incredible amount of non~stop work, delving into some deeper, scarier issues that I felt like I was ready to face. It hasn't been easy, it has been messy, I've made some mistakes along the way; but overall, it was so worth it. And it continues to be a self discovery, gaining some confidence, some experience, some knowledge about myself, and lots and lots of acceptance of all my aspects, or most of them, anyway.<br /><br />This summer started with a huge revelation that I was unprepared for, but was so thankful to realize that I could experience joy and exuberance, that those emotions were not lost to me and that I was not muted, dampened, or dead inside~~which is what I'd been resigning myself to, as I had been feeling almost affectless for awhile, but not really. I was experiencing all the not quite pleasant emotions and states, like anxiety, fear, anger, hurt, etc. But not the sustained happiness or joyful zest that I'd been striving for. Tho I love my life and my husband, I felt like the happiness that would be completely appropriate to be feeling was absent and I worried that those positive feelings had bowed out, leaving me with the head knowledge but not the heartfelt feelings of grateful, blissful, joy.<br /><br />So when I experiences the physical sensation along with the emotional feelings, I was even happier because of the discovery that they hadn't fled. That I could indeed enjoy those feelings and so I really craved them, eagerly anticipating experiencing them more often. I wanted to learn how to call forth those feelings for myself, when I wanted them.<br /><br />Immediately, I experienced that in order to be open to feeling those positive rushes, I might experience gutwrenching painful episodes too. I knew that, but was surprised that even in those times, I was learning more and more about me, being vulnerable to some very deep seated, old fears; like fear of rejection and abandonment. I attempted something that was and still is, tho less so, scary for me and that is having hope. It's not that unbridled joyful hope that demands so much trust and faith, I'm not that brave...yet. But I did take some baby steps and just being aware of it, being able to identify it, was a huge step for me. It potentially opens me to many possibilities. That's great, scary, but great. Some days, not always, but some times, it means that I grow too scared and need to pull back into a safer place and not be so vulnerable, so hopeful.<br />
<br />
That means tho, that I can do some counterproductive things, that may not be in my own best interest. But at the time, it felt safer to not have hope. It felt safer to think that I should prepare for the worst and not expect the best. It felt like if I expected failure, then I wouldn't be hurt when it happened.<br /><br />Over the summer, I tried to not let myself get stuck in that tho. If I did admit defeat, even if it was for a few days, I let myself rest and rethink, then brave being vulnerable again. Allow myself to have hope, to leave myself open to possibilities. It's scary, and it's hard, I won't lie. Sometimes it takes all I have not to retreat and throw up my shields and guards, cowering behind thick unfeeling armor that demands that I shun my desires, my hopes, my dreams, my happiness in favor of being safely predictable and deny myself pleasure, because having hope is risky. It means that I have to trust in myself and others, I have to have faith and believe, instead of know for certain. And that is terrifying for me.<br /><br />So this past week, I lost my patience, I threw up my hands in exasperation and said, "I give up. I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much" and then I did a mean hurtful harmful thing. Instead of facing the fear and dealing with it, by sitting with it, getting to know it, and being curious about it. I tried to rid myself of it immediately, I tried to block it and deflect it with that stiff armor that weighs me down and holds me back. I lashed out, spewing meanness, taking all my hurt and turning it into daggers, spearing another person with my words. I was so hateful to them that even while I was doing that, I was horrified at my own behavior.<br /><br />I'm so regretful. I'm so sorry. I have no excuses, really. I can explain myself as I just did, but that doesn't excuse or justify my actions. And what's really scary is that I did pretty devastating harm. It might even be irreparable. The only redeemable thing that I can see is that I am learning, the awareness means that I catch is sooner and that I am less likely to do it as often. But it doesn't erase what's been said, what's been done. I can't take that back.<br /><br />I can only move forward, with the intention to be better more often. Hopefully, my autumn will see me holding space for hope with out the need for reassurance. Hopefully, hoping.Debra Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13213974549878524869noreply@blogger.com1