Knee~Jerk Reactions

 Recently this article was shared with me and I've been reading and reading it, thinking a lot about some of the points that it discusses, and sharing the article itself and some of my thoughts with others.  Sometimes we have a dialogue, yes.  But at this point, it's mostly me thinking things thru for me.  As writing is a form of thinking for me, I thought it would be good to do so here, in this blog format.

There are many points to consider, so I plan to take it slowly, and most likely in the order of the thoughts that are occurring as the article progresses.  But before I begin to examine that, let me say this...

For me, knee jerk reactions of protestations, anger flare ups, hurt cries, or other forms of lashing out usually are my cues that there is a nerve or even a bundle of nerves being trod upon or otherwise inflamed.  When I experience them, I usually catch myself and think, "hold up here, debRAHHH, what'd going on with you?".  Chances are that there is some issue that is ready to be dealt with rather than quashed down, shoved aside, or otherwise shunned and ignored.  Often the first reaction is a protective part that is masking a deeper more complex set of stuffs within me that I might need to set with, really examine, or may even need assistance with doing so.  For me, that assistance often comes in the form of a Licensed Professional Counselor, who is trained, qualified, and has the experience to be objective, compassionate, and hold the space for me to process this in a safe place while knowing that I can be me, fully allowing myself to express myself without filters and knowing that my own wobbly offcentered hurt or anger or shame will not pull her into reacting along with me in hurtful, angry, or shaming ways.  She stays centered in self, helping me to navigate the teetering process of regaining my own balance and coming to a better understanding of myself and the world around me.  It's been a huge piece of my growing process and while at times it can be oh so messy and painful, it has been worth every kicking, screaming moment because most of the times now, I experience so much more joy in life, more content satisfaction in the present with less overall tension, anxiety, worry, panic, depression, and more meaningful contentment, health, and peace of mind.

There are many forms of assistance that also helps me in this process, including my loved trusted friends and partners, such as my husband, several friends, and a few groups which are focused on healing, health, or some particular aspect such as better communication.  It truly does take a village.  Yet there are times when I do fumble, stumble, inflicting pain on both myself and others.  Sometimes that takes a lot of reparations, authentic apologies, and damage control afterwards, when I am able to do so.

Sometimes I need to pause and question how much of the hurt others are experiencing is something I can claim tho, because I am not responsible for someone else and how they choose to act or react.  While there is no doubt that I might influence or affect them, often it is their attitude and mindset that already exists that is providing their filters thru which they are viewing my words, deeds, and so forth.  I can choose my own words and actions carefully, yes; ultimately tho, it is still that person's choice and not mine.  I control my own though and behavior only, which means that I can only be responsible for my own acts and reactions.

This has been something that I repeatedly learn and relearn because I often feel responsible for another person's upset with me.  I may think, "what did I do wrong?" or say wrong or should I have said or done this instead or perhaps not said or done anything.  I begin to doubt myself and second guess.

While checking to be sure that I am in a healthy space, that I am being authentic, that my motivations and intentions are good, and so forth can be extremely important to provide myself with checks and balances, I need to be careful that I don't then slide from the positive healthy place of practicing these things to then go into a unhealthy counterproductive place of thinking that somehow I am control or am responsible for another.  Because that is usually what it boils down to, most of our disagreements, conflicts, and confrontations...for both those within ourselves and with others, at either a one on one personal relationship or the grander larger scale of being a part of a group, community, or even the USAmerican society or human race in general.

Sometimes, the most useful question to ask to determine whether I am being authentic is am I trying to fit in or am I belonging.  Am I acting in accord to how my true self at the core is or am I lashing out in hurt and anger, or trying to fit into this group by acting in a manner that I think will be perceived in a way that they will find appealing so they will like me or that I will gain what I want, which tends to be acceptance and belonging? 

Most of us long for true acceptance and belonging.  And to get there, to truly do that, it starts within ourselves.  And that is an excellent place to begin this article's discussion, which will be continued in the next post...