moping

sometimes i am rather pig-headed, doggedly insisting on not seeing what may very well be the truth.  even in writing that sentence, i use qualifiers, as tho i am holding out hope that things really are the way that i was piggedly and doggedly insisting.  even now.  sigh.

while i was gone, my landlord and her daughter came to sassifron sit and furrbee feed every day for a bit.  sassifron charmed them and they feel in love with her.  especially the daughter, a 9.5 yr old who would cradle saffron and coo to her and love on her.  when i went down to see my landlords and to thank them for taking care of the animals while i was gone, the daughter begged me for saffron.  she kept saying that saffron would have other playmates, cats, who would keep her company.

well, i am allergic to cats.  i love them so, but for a few years, i have had some pretty awful reactions to them.  so much so that when i went to visit my mother, my lungs would fill up with fluids and the tissues would swell.  so why, oh why did i get saffron and before her stella?

well, last fall, right at about this time, i was telling my landlord how much the mice were driving me up a wall.  i live in the middle of hayfields, so this is expected that a few mice take up residence in the people place.  besides, we leave such a good feast of crumbs for them.  my landlady had suggested i take one of their kittens.  i said that i couldn't cuz i am allergic to them.  she said that i could keep her outside.

thus stella came home.  she was so little and piteous and i just couldn't stand the thought of her outside, so i brought her in.  i figured that if i had problems breathing, out she'd go.  breathing is important.  ya might even say it is vital.  i also said that if she left messes, out she'd go.  and if she didn't get along with the dogs (who stay out lots anyway), then she couldn't be a part of my furrbee family.

here's the thing.  stella and i were fine!  she did go in and out, because i didn't want to deal with a litter box.  she and i would nap together and read together (we had similar tastes) and write together (her poems were outstanding!  sorta freestyle).  and i could breathe just fine, my eyes would sometimes itch, but usually that was if i was petting her, then forgot to wash my hands afterwards.

then one day, stella didn't come home.  she was young, 9 months.  but she disappeared.  whether it was a kitnapping or she ran off or something thought she'd be a tasty treat, I'm not sure.  but she was gone.  that was in may.  by june, i was missing having a kitten around and my guy knew of one that needed a home.

so saffron became a part of my household.  i was sure since i hadn't had significant problems with stella that i'd be fine.  wrong.  well, at first when i had the sniffles and some minor lung congestion, i thought well it could be due to dust (i live on a dirt road in the middle of hayfields and we were having a drought), due to my normal tendency to get sick with something, or that it could be due to any number of other factors.

but, i was determined, it was not due to saffron.  after all, i'd been fine with stella.  so knowing that things that would normally not bother me can become irritants when i am feeling poorly, i let saffron outside.  but i was scared that she'd have a similar fate as stella.  so when the worst was over, i set up a litter box and brought her in and bathed her (she always sat so still when i bathed her, scrunching up her face like a lil kid) and sprayed her and used cautionary measures including lots of hand washing.

then i went away for about 2 weeks.  and my lungs completely healed up.  i came home, and i started having a little problem.  i thought it was the dust (i did some major cleaning and kicked up entire dust storms in here).  i thought it coulda been the mold.  it coulda been just time for me to get all stuffy and snotty again.  i thought, it is NOT saffron.

so last night, i am wheezing, struggling to breathe.  and i admit, it could be her.  and even if it isn't, and my allergies are kicking in due to fall pollen, the extra irritant of saffron could be contributing to my difficulty breathing.  and then, i had an asthma attack.

so this morning, i went down to my landlord's.  i spoke to her.  we woke her daughter up and i drove up to my place and she held saffron in her arms all the way back to her place.  and we took her in their house and we watched her roam about, checking things out.  we watched to see how their housecat would deal with saffron being present.  we watched to see how saffron would deal with the other cat having domain.  i left a thousand words behind, explaining what saffron likes and what she does and oh there was this one time that she did this and i did that and then this happened.

and i drove home.  and my guy held me while i cried.  and i am moping cuz maybe just maybe it wasn't because of the kitty that i couldn't breathe.