Le Mon is...

some of you may know, or not, i'm in the midst of several ongoing balls of snarled string, wax and barbed wire.  with two government agencies.  one is the department of education, what joy!  what fun!  and the other is the social security administration (i'm under review for continuation of disability benefits)--more on the social security admin later.

now the thing that does not surprise me, but does frustrate me, is how these agencies call their own shots and do not concern themselves with following their own written policy which is to govern procedures.  an example of this would be time-frames.  when they want you to do something (complete this form, turn your head and cough twice, bend over and grab your ankles), they give you a matter of days, stated sternly in bold, red, CAPS, larger font size, and underscored.  and in several locations, in case you missed it.  for some reason.  like you are a moron.  and have the limited uhm intelligence of a government employee.  several times.  you understand.  it is important that you do this and return it in 3 days.  i'm sure you have a very good idea of how this all works.

and yet, when the ball is in their court (getting more snarled with more rusty barbed wire and sticky tape, some glue, and eyes of newt), well then, gov-time elasticizes and warps into fun-house mirrored hazy images with vague answers and no accountability.

so at the moment, i'm in limbo on the "last" step with the dept of edu that is now in its ninth month (i'm being generous here, and not counting the six months they lost my records twice).  i've called, written letters, etc etc etc and have duly documented the umpteen various versions of stories that i've received from umpteen various versions of employees that are wearing the dept of edu dunce's cap at the moment.

now, i'm stepping it up, cuz the pressure of this limbo is killing me.  i've never been considered a suicidal-risk before, even with all the mental anguish i've endured in these years.  but this year, in this "last" stage, i've been on suicide-watch a number of times.  i've had to write and sign my first ever suicide-contract this summer.  and the anxiety is incredible.  the irony that stress excaberates mental illnesses does not escape me, in fact that looms large, because the reality is that i experience this condition in some very drastic ways (like struggling to breathe for the better part of two months because my immune system has been under attack from my inability to cope with constant stress brought on by dealing with the dept of edu.  thankyouverymuch).

so in the interest of needing to resolve this, or at the very least, move forward rather than being locked in the state of limbo of waiting for something, the threat of whatever, the huge shoe of the gov to trample me, like a lil nuisance, a pissant perhaps.  i can't continue to wait, indefinitely.  so i will be taking some steps like contacting supervisors, secretaries of departments, and other peoples in key positions.

it's time for me to exert what pressure i can instead of being pressured to the point of popping.  cuz believe me folks, it ain't pretty.