24 March 2008

hush hush, voices carry

I've hallucinated.  Ya know, when I'm feverish.  Then, I see stuff sometimes.  It's not a problem, cuz it doesn't confuse me and make me all like, dude, didja see that?!?!

I've never heard voices, tho.

Til a few months back.  I was having an extremely difficult time sleeping.  My sleep meds weren't working and I was going outta my mind.  Mania kicked in and I was definitely wired and tired.

Now I live on a five hundred acre farm.  There are a few other renters out here, but for the most part, it is like I am on my own in a very quiet peaceful world.  And that is just the way I like it.

Except that night, a few months back.  I was sitting quietly.  And then, I realized, I was hearing voices.  It was like a radio on low.  I could hear voices conversing or singing.  A low continuous hum that ebbed and flowed in pitch, but no discernible words.  So I start to strain to hear, and I check my radio (off), my tv (off), my clock/alarm/radio (off), and my computer (off).  Now I am getting a little frantic.  So I unplug ev.ree.thing.  And I can still hear the damned voices.

This goes on for weeks.  When I couldn't sleep, some nights, I would be holding still and then I would hear it.  Voices.  A cacophony of voices burbling with no one clear voice coming thru.

I worried.  I worried that I was having a psychotic break.  I worried that there was another dimension to my mental state that was coming to the surface.  Yet another problem that I would have to learn to deal with.  How much more?

I put off speaking to my doctor.  I didn't want to have to go thru the whole trial of diagnoses and observation and then the treatments....oh! the treatments while I went thru the adjustments of the new meds.

Then, one night, just after the new year, my guy and I returned very late to my home.  And as I got out of the car, I heard the voices yet again.  I dreaded revealing this new fault to my guy.  He turned to me and said, "babe?"  I finally looked at him, drew a deep breath, and he said, "sounds like a party down yonder."

My newest neighbor down on the pond is a drummer.  In a band.  At night, they practice.  At night?

Voices carry.

1 comment:

  1. Voices carry especially well over water.  You poor girl.  That must have been a bit traumatizing.  But hey!  Now you know where you can go if you can't sleep.  Go dance yourself to tired.  ;)


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