Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my gp for all the lab work that I've been avoiding.  It isn't that it should be such a big deal, and in truth, it really isn't.  I've just made it so.

I used to have blood draws at least once every three months.  It got to the point that my blown veins would pool under my skin for a good third of my arm every time.  Usually by the time I'd leave the office, both of my arms would be shot.  The meds I was taking made me slow to heal, so I would just be getting over the last of the bruises when the next blood draw rolled around and it would be blackened pools on the inner aspect all over again til the next time.  The folks that would see me at the gym, the library, the coffee shop, the grocery store, the pharmacy, and around would sometimes give me wide berth.  My sweat and my breath was acrid and no matter how many times I brushed my teeth and showered, I could smell myself.  And if I could smell me, I knew that I must reek to other folks.  That combined with my bruised appearance, with multiply layers of various browns, yellows, reds, and sick tans, the concentric circles that radiated out from punctured needle marks; well, I think that I must have look like I was a druggie.  In truth, I was.  Of sorts.  Albeit the drugs were prescribed and I took them in the manner designated.

Eventually, we got it all sorted.  We switched me over to some other drugs, because those that had stabilized me for the previous three years were now causing me to suffer more so from the side-effects.  So we tried a few things til we hit on the right mixture that seemed to work, keep me fairly stabilized with minimal side-effects.  Yes, there were drugs that would keep me more stabilized, but had horrible consequences that actually created more problems.  And yes, there were drugs that have fewer side effects, but don't provide enough stabilization.

So I am now doing better than I had been.  In lots of ways.  Blood draws are not such a big deal anymore, I don't think.  It's just I don't want to have to go thru anymore adjustments.  I don't want to find out that some level is wrong somewhere.  I know that doesn't make tons of sense, cuz it would be better for me to know, than not to know.  And I know that they need to monitor the condition of my liver, my kidneys, and make sure that my thyroid levels andmy blood sugar levels are within range.  I know that it isn't just for me, but for minimizing liability for the gp.  I totally get all that, and I agree that those things are good and make sense.  All that rationality doesn't change a thing about how I dread this.  Feelings aren't informed by knowledge.