12 January 2008

the point was

This is me, September 2007.  Greta sent the pic to me a week or so ago.  I flipped thru the packet, then shoved the pictures back into the envelop and then stowed the packet away, hidden from view.  I dug it out today, because I wanted to actually LOOK at myself.

I don't look at me.  I don't see my self in the mirror.  I might focus on my teeth, or my hair, or some other piece and part of me.  I don't give physical self attention, any more than the hurried cursory token that is a painful aversion.  That might be why I take the fastest showers you've ever known.  I jump thru them, scrubbing myself quickly, thoroughly, toweling off just as roughly and completely.  Then clothing myself in elastic pjs, with t-shirts and stretched sweaters and socks.  Utilitarian, warm, snuggly, comfy.

Two years ago, I lost thirty pounds.  I've kept that weight off, stayed within the five pound leeway (because women do bloat monthly, and shed that bloat as their hormonal tides wax and wane).  The plateau has become a plain.

Now it is time for me to begin to lose again.  So, I need to give my body attention.  I need to exercise.  To do that, I will feel myself.  I will sweat and be aware of my body.  And to do that, I need to be able to see me, feel me, to accept me.

I don't seek reassurances, negations; "you are not fat".  I don't take comfort in qualifiers (medication issues, side-effects, and inadequate levels of thyroxine).  I don't ask my guy, "do these pants make me fat?" cuz it is not the pants' fault.  I know I am fat.

I am not pleasantly plump.  Or pudgy.  Or big and beautiful.  I am fat.  In fact, at 200 pounds and 5'6", I am obese.  My body mass index is lower than what some might think, because I am dense (in more ways than one) but no matter how you slice it, I am morbidly obese.

I could write a ton more, but I won't.  At least not in this entry.  But I will say that I am seeing this picture of me, and realizing the actual impact.  I cannot ignore my weight, my health, my laboring heart, my stressed joints, my huffing/puffing winded lungs that gasp for air.

This is me.


  1. I think we have the same legs.............at least we each have two and that is a GOOD thing!    Anne

  2. Oh, and I have your upper arms, but as Anne said, 'at least we both have two!'.  I'm with you in spirit girl.  All the way.

    I too am fat.  I can no longer think to myself I am pleasingly plump or a bit overweight. :::sigh:::

    And my knees and ankles tell me too.

  3. Well HOWDY!  It's nice to see you for a change?  Is this you and your guy's house?

  4. Brave entry.  There is not a single full-length mirror in my house for a reason!


  5. I didn't mean to put a question mark in my previous comment after it was good to see you.  LOL  BIG TYPO that totally changes the point of view.  GREAT TO SEE YOU!!!!  :)

  6. You look absolutely fine in the photo so don't knock yourself so much.  I have weighed up to 250 lbs. and am now down to around 200.  The color of the house is the same as the color I have picked for my new two story addition.   It is called 'Silver Charm'.   My new thermal pane windows are white and the soffit ventilation screen is brown as is the roof aluminum peak ventilator(gray shingles also).   Also I will be using treated trim with the greenish gold unpainted appearance.  That is on the agenda for 2008 so perhaps I will have a photo in my journal by next fall.   mark


Thanks for taking the time and effort to let your thoughts be known!