10 January 2008

do NOT panic

I've got it under control.  Just barely, but it is getting better.  I am prone to anxiety and have taken (and continue to take) measures to cut down on my exposure to triggers and other stressful events.  But ya gotta breathe, ya know?  Ok maybe you don't, but I do.

This week has been a very strange week for me, because I have been able to not worry about going anywhere, or meeting any deadlines (like, omg, Christmas! 5 hats done, 27 to go, loom, girl loom!).  I think that I have probably been feeling a little delayed anxiety, cuz I've been having lots of heart palpitations (which I've had palps before, and often enough that I know when and why and what has contributed; I'm pretty in tune with me, ya know?); these are more like squiggles and wiggles.

It's as if you were holding a cat or a puppy, too tightly to your chest.  Ok, now for an even longer time.  Wait for it.  Tighter.  Longer.  Now, that's it, that critter is trying desperately to squirm away from you.  Ok, now imagine that squiggling wiggling critter is inside your chest instead of clasped to it.  That's what I mean by I've been having heart palpitations.

I went thru my little (ok, it's lengthy) checklist that includes (but is not limited to) things like:  medication?  caffeine?  topics of worry?  period?  sleep?  sugar?  exercise?  food?  fluids?  You get the picture.  Last year, when Walt was accessible, I'd IM with him lots.  And I knew that if I was wigging out, that I could let him know and that he wouldn't freak and make it worse.  And sometimes, just letting him know that I was skittering about would help me to defuse a bit and feel somewhat more safe and ok with the moment.  Walt's not accessible anymore (he died last April, big adjustments all the way around, and selfishly, I miss him most at times like these).  I cannot even imagine the depths to which his best friend, his wife, his love must miss his presence.  Since Bonnie doesn't use the net, and I don't use the phone (especially during times when I can't speak for crying, it's very frustrating for me and confusing and worrisome for the other party); we keep in touch via snail-mail.

Most of the time, I don't call anyone, as I said earlier; but at times like these, the last thing I wanna do is call my guy when I am in the midst of freaking.  It can be very disorienting for anyone to get a call from someone in the grips of panic; it tends to spawn panic.  It involves too much effort for me to calm someone else when I cannot even calm myself.

So for now, this format will do.  As long as it works.  And right now, it is.  Much better, thanks.


  1. oh Debs, Sorry to hear this.  You are so wise to be able to recognize this and go through your checklist.  Breathe my dear and know that this storm shall pass.  Anne

  2. Amazing thing these journals, eh?  Glad it's helping you with your freak!

  3. ((Hugs)) I know writing things out of my system some days is all I can do to get through them. It works in way we may never understand. (Hugs) Indigo


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