05 October 2005

I want to stand by you...

When the hurt is not even for myself, but empathy for a loved one and the hurt that she is experiencing; it seems that much more sharp.  I never really understood what my mother meant when she would say that she would rather take on my fevers and sore throats then watch me struggle to breathe as I burned up and drowned in mucus.  It is such a helpless feeling to watch someone I love suffer and not know how to help them.

Sometimes, I simply cannot help her.  For there is nothing to do but hope that she will be able to turn to me, when or even if she knows what it is that would help her and ask for it.  Then, I might maybe could feel like I was DOING something that could help to ease her pain.

I remind my self, it's not about me.  It's not about how helpless I am to help her.  God, just imagine how she feels...and I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to be there when she doesn't want anyone to be there.

She thinks, that if she asks for help, that if she asks for company, that if she calls, that if she involves anyone...that it will be an imposition.

Doesn't she know what a blessing that would be?  I WANT to help her.  If there were anything that she would ask, I would do my best to see that it is done.

And I just don't know what to do....and neither does she...I hope when she does allow me to help, that I'll be strong enough to be there for her.

Cuz, I love her.

And I want her to know that "Whenever you're in trouble, Won't you stand by me, oh stand by me" (ben e king pled it best).

1 comment:

  1. Not knowing your particular situation, I hesitate to offer advice, so I will simply relate what I had to do - a close relative suffered from clinical psychosis - and, as much as it hurt me to, in effect, imprison someone in a ward (I love freedom and liberty above all else) I had to do it, a gut-wrenching decision that I would make again, because the alternative was much worse. I wish you wisdom in your decision-making, Debra.


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