ideal, for now

Judith HeartSong's October's Artsy Essay calls for us to describe our ideal day.  Because ideals motivate us toward goals that we have based on our values, I've decided to focus on an aspect that may not suit everyone.  And that's quite all right.  For me, and for them.

In Nocturnal Turnings, Truman Capote interviews himself.  It is during one mock- exchange that I nodded, thinking that was exactly how I feel right this minute.  Here is an excerpt:
    tc:  if you could be granted one wish, what would it be?
    tc:  to wake up one morning and feel that I was at last a grown-up person; emptied of resentment, vengeful thoughts, and other wasteful childish emotions.  To find myself, in other words, an adult.

As we enter the holiday season, I feel this reflection could not occur at a more appropriate time.  Many of us are confronted with folks we don't normally choose to be around; then we feel guilty about the fact that we don't enjoy these family members, especially at such an outwardly festive time.  But we also have reasons for why we avoid these folks throughout the year, and to deny those reasons (even to ourselves) would be hurtful and disrespectful.  Yet, we might feel that we need to endure what might be extremely unpleasant and painful memories and feelings, to keep the peace in the family.  In the long run, we end up feeling frustrated with ourselves and others; we end up exhausted instead of restive and content.  It's a tensely anxious foreboding that curses the holidays for many of us.

My birthday is in a few weeks, and yet again, I am surprised because I certainly don't feel as old as I am.  It isn't the aging process that bothers me per se, it's because I think I ought to be more mature than I am; ya know, act (think, feel) my age.  I am most assuredly not like how I think adults are.  Somehow, as a child, I figured that adults know things, that they are reasonable, that they are in control, that they don't have petty peevishness, that they aren't like me.

Well, with those expectations, is it any wonder I failed to live up to my notions of adulthood?  Still, I would love to let go of the resentment, the old hurts and cringing anxiety, the awful memories, the fears, the awkwardness, the discombobulated dissociation.  I would like to honor myself, by acknowledging and validating that yes this person has been hateful and I do have reason not to trust them, to be wary.  At the same time, I'd like to be centered enough, to be true enough to me, to realize that all those negative inner feelings are only harming me more so.  I'd like to be comfortable with being me and to know that I can control some aspects of encounters.  Ya know, like an adult does.

(*note*i've been having difficulty focusing here lately; and am feeling some frustration at the moment, because i'm afraid that i am not able to clearly communicate.  i hope that i have conveyed what i meant to, and if not, then i apologize.  on another note, if this fuzziness continues, i may need to go see my gp for yet another med adjustment.  hopefully this too shall pass)