*Warning*

Most of us are adults, and I think that most of us are mature and responsible most of the time.  That is a lot of mosts and I am making some assumptions based on my own preferences and what I would like to think about the readers of my journal.  All three of you.

It won't hurt my feelings a tad of no one leaves a comment, because it is a rather uncomfortable topic and intimate at that and several folks may skip right over this.  And that is just fine.  In case you are needing reassurances and permission to stop right now, you've got it.

Ok, now that I've ensured your attention (wink), let me get to the actual meat of the matter.  My sexual drive has flagged and stalled, sometimes to irregularly lurch forward in a valiant effort to revive only to die out yet again.  Now there are all sorts of reasons for the possible explanation of why this would be.  And it most likely is a combination of several of those rationales.

Stress, yes it has been a stressful year with lots of decidedly unsexy and unsensual thoughts.  Some nasty events and memories and all that worked to dampen desire.  I'm well aware of that.

Also, there is the dynamic that my guy and I have been together for over four years and sometimes folks who've been familiar with each other for a time become bored.  Sad to say, but that seems to be the common way more often than not.  Still, it is a troublesome thought to take into account.

Then there are some areas that are just a little too intimate to disclose even in this rather personal entry (shocking, i know, but true).  And I am getting a bit older and these things can sometimes come with the aging process (or so I've read).  But it still is a troublesome matter.

To me, it really doesn't matter why.  What matters is that I would dearly like to revive and repair my spirits.  Oh I realize that sometimes knowing the why's can help to remedy the situation.  But there are those times when knowing the why's doesn't make a damn difference when it comes down to brass tacks.

This isn't something that happened suddenly.  But suddenly it bothers me.  I was patient and very accepting and understood that these things happen and not to put pressure on myself.  But it doesn't seem to be a passing thing as the years have grouped together and I think the last time I had a healthy sexual appetite was back in 2003.  I do remember that I was bolder, more adventuresome, and definitely more aggressive and assertive.

The thing is that I've gotten so used to shoving those thoughts away, anything that deals with this area at all.  I've tamped down the niggling questions that stray out and escape my lil relegated compartment that now I can't really examine the matter without being swamped with so many different thoughts coming at me from too many directions.  It's hard enough just to field the tangents without putting them into order and being able to do much at all.

I thought writing about it would help me to figure out some things.  But it hasn't.  All that has happened is for me to realize that it is more muddled than I can trudge through.  I may broach the subject with my counselor.  I'd love to speak with my guy about it, but he tends to think that everything is his fault and it's hard enough without me trying to reassure him at the same time that I'm trying to deal with my own doubts.

anyway, thanks for reading.  sigh.  crap.