I'm writing this letter to release a portion of my resentment and negative emotions and to discover and express the positive feelings that I deserve. I'm also writing to ask for my support as I explore these issues. It's ok to not have all the answers and to be scared and to make mistakes. you can do this, debra and you might benefit by examining things instead of trying to avoid their presence (the living room is becoming crowded with all those elephants and i might need to build on an additional wing; and i promised my landlord that i would not wield any more hammers, saws, drills, &/or nailguns).
Level 1: Anger
I don't like that I am so impatient with myself and other important people I love, like my guy. I resent that I don't have a better understanding of how to be more flexible and allow differences in abilities and functions. I feel frustrated when I am unable to do those things that I treasure, like being quick witted and able to comprehend and focus. I feel angry that I am not more caring with myself, that I don't seem to realize that things fluctuate and that being so hard on me is not being helpful and is being hurtful. I want to be able to be more accepting and loving and give myself the allowances and the attention I may need as I need it.
Level 2: Sadness
It hurts to realize that I am hurting myself when I am so impatient and unforgiving and disallowing. I feel disappointed when I have to relearn the same lesson over again; because I think I got it when I didn't really get it (or maybe i got it for that time, and need to get it for this particular time). I feel sad when I get frustrated or impatient with myself (and others), because it isn't very loving nor respectful. I wish I were more nurturing with myself and with others.
Level 3: Fear
It is painful when I beat myself up. I worry what message I'm sending to my guy when I am sharp and short with him. I'm afraid that I will undo the steps I have taken with learning to accept my shortcomings and embrace my strengths when I am impatient with me. I need to have the reassurance that it really is ok that I have lapses and that temporary set backs are just that, temporary. I need to know that I'm ok, even if I am not able to function at this time or that time. These things happen and it's ok that they do, cuz to not accept that they do just means that when they do happen, it will be even harder for me to get thru.
Level 4: Remorse and Apologies
I'm sorry for being so hard and for not being more loving at the very times i need to be loved. I feel embarrassed when I lose my patience, and lash out or stifle in. I feel ashamed for not being more accepting of needing reassurances. I'm willing to learn how to be more accepting and to provide more reassurances, even if I feel awkward learning how to be more compassionate at first. All things are awkward when new, til they've become more familiar and comfortable (providing comfort can be comforting, rest assured).
Level 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude & Forgiveness
I do love me and my guy and other people. I love that I can see how much I've grown in my ability to accept me as me. I appreciate the ability to realize that it truly is ok to be upset, slow, frustrated, impatient, tired, fuzzy, etc. even if those are not enjoyable, they are still ok to experience. I realize that sometimes I am very compassionate and loving, and that sometimes I just don't have the resources to be that way (even to myself). I forgive me for not being perfect; for not being able to accept all of me all of the time. Thank me for being me, for allowing all those good and cool things to exist along with all the not so fresh parts too. I would like to be more realize that it's safe for me to be me, even when I am not a likable me. I trust myself more so than I used to; and altho I will have times when I'm not too proud of me, I hope to continue to trust my Self more as time goes and accept that I'm me and that's ok.
well, more than ok.