06 November 2008

Tying myself in knotty nots

Thinking my thoughts and crocheting myself into circles, octagons, hexagons, and nonagons (which is an octagon with an oohps! {which in my case is when I've added an extra cluster of stitches at the center so now I have an extra panel} such that the shape is now nine-sided instead of the standard eight) has resulted in some rather odd notions and arriving at some conclusions which I'd been considering as alternatives instead of admitting them to be the ruling reality.

I've been slowly coming to terms with some things that I'd been letting percolate in the back of my mind, but not really letting myself directly examine. Last week, I admitted that I realize that even if Scott were to be someone that I could trust again; well, truth be told, there are so many other reasons why I would not ever want to be with him again. I was settling and I deserve so much more.

Asking myself if I could ever trust him again was the wrong question. The issue of trust is huge, yes. But even more so are all the other things to consider. Old habits die hard, and after all that time of holding myself back so that I didn't leave him too far behind; after having made all sorts of excuses and explaining reasons and giving defenses for that him...well, I realize that all those things were to talk myself into being with him. It is very hard not to continue to pull out all those explanations and excuses I've made for him and not buy into them myself anymore.

Cuz let's face it, there is no reason for me to do that. There never was.

It's taken me some time to get there, but it is a very obvious conclusion that just smacks me about the head. Repeatedly. The best part is that I'm getting there, to that realization, on my own. So it's not like I feel like someone else is persuading me.

Realizing that for myself, admitting that allows me to let go.

Which brings me to the next point, which is seeing me as me and not defining myself as fulfilling a supporting role. There is lots to see and lots I don't know about me and some discoveries to make. There are lots of unknowns and it can be overwhelming, and scary; but also very exhilerating and freeing. Not holding myself back so that I don't outshine and outsmart him is so very liberating.

While coming to terms with what is not is not quite the same as coming to terms with what is; I do feel that I am less constrained. Now, I can breathe.

Thanks for being so accepting, supportive, encouraging, and understanding as I continue to go thru this transitioning from who I tried to be for someone who never deserved me to being me.


  1. I keep 4getting to ask if you've talked to him since the big blowout...

  2. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY! Your progress is amazing (like you) and you are going to be outshining a lot of folks ... and that's good Deb. That's really good.


Thanks for taking the time and effort to let your thoughts be known!