ijits live everywhere

I opened my eMail to find the below rules, as followed by most all rural Pennsylvanians. They were sent to me by a good friend of mine; we went to high~school {actually, a vo~tech} together and {you guessed it} we're from PA. Now, she lives in Chattanooga {has since '94} and I've lived in the South since '95 {been here in Miss'ippi for almost eight years}. We both love where we live, and wouldn't change that. We don't feel that those in the north are better than those in the South. Far from it; this list is cuz there are those urban folks from NY {as in the city} who've moved into PA cuz they just find it oh so charming, and yet don't respect the area and think of themselves as better than the locals. Yet it is the urbanites who usually bring the problems {crime, pollution, and oh! populations, making what was quaint into traffic~jammed areas}. Ironic, eh?

So here're the rules:

The Rules of Rural Pennsylvania are as follows:
1. Pull your droopy drawers up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight, it's called a "dirt road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it, or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east/west and I-81 goes north/south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only three weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8~point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeppers, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catch'n 'em. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "opener" refers to the First Day of Deer Season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Businesses shut down, high~schools cancel, and the entire male population over 14 and a good portion of women too call in sick {and employers expect that}.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there is not a vegetarian special. Order steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats/fish, vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and ketchup. And no, we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat, it's not real chili.
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and poured into a glass.
14. You bring "mary jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high~school football is as important here as the Eagles and the Steelers. And a helluva lot more fun to watch.
16. Yep, we have golf courses, but don't hit the water hazards {it spooks the fish}.
17. Colleges? Yup, we have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo~techs. They come outta there with an education, plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the army, navy, air force, and marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo. That thumpity~thump's not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore'n we want to see your boxers {refer back to #1}.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard. It's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense. And don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores when a storm's coming in. You're not in Alaska. Worst case, you may have to live a whole day without croissants. Have heart, the pickups with snow~blades will have you out the next day.