once upon a time...or maybe twice...revisited

Having done something that so clearly defies stated logic, I am at a loss for adequate words. These past few days have been difficult at best, as I debated a future with my 'ex-'guy and taking all aspects into account. The five years we did have together were good on many counts, not so good on others, and a few really ugly spots. That's so with any relationship.

The betrayal and discovery of such last July, tore me apart in ways that I didn't know possible. Thru the fall, I'd realized several things that I knew I'd not go back to. I will not go back, but move forward. I'm including the man you know as "my guy".

The past several days, I've thought about how horrible I am to even consider a possible future without this new person {mr date-dude/my honey} in my life. He's been so caring, sharing, open, wonderfully amazing, understanding, and oh just so many other attributes, characteristics, and great awesome ways of being that it is that much more difficult to arrive at the decision I did yesterday afternoon. Even his way of caring for the best for me, even after I dashed him against the rocks. He's so integrated me into his life, and so many wonderful people have thought wonderful things about me. Too wonderful, considering what I've done. This man deserves so much more and we had such a wonderful past month that yesterday evening was one of the most difficult for me.

See, I decided to go with the man who ripped me asunder last summer. The man you all know as my guy in these pages of the last five years. It was a heavy decision, not made lightly. I weighed all aspects, and made a decision that defies logic.

I understand if you are disappointed, even feeling betrayed. How could I do this, knowing how devastated I was in so many ways, not the least of which was the shredding of my peace of mind. How could I?

I did. I am. I will continue.