dethroning the drama queen

ahem, folks, I'm a bit shamed-faced over my behavior over this last week {what the hell was I thinking}; and I am blessed to have so many friends who thought, 'dude this is wrong, but if it's what she wants, it's what she wants and she's got my support'.

i'm truly scott-free.
finally.

i need to reconcile this aspect of myself that i didn't know existed; that i could depart so radically from my senses as to even entertain a possible future with a man whose history has included inflicting awful blinding pain on the one he says is/was/is the love of his life, his gift. i bought into it, again. and it didn't take long at all for his true colors to shine thru all the glitz and glamor {in oh so many ways}.

i also listened to my self. i noticed that even in that short period of time, i didn't smile, laugh, feel safe and secure and eager and happy and sweet. i grew troubled, anxious, timid, alarmed, and doubtful. i admitted that, dude, soooOOOooo not good.

so, last night, after hearing, 'i hate you, bitch' and many other things that i didn't deserve and none of the things that i did deserve {and that scott pledged only a few days before to continue}; i decided, 'enough is enough, and this is way tooooo much'.

i think i would have had the niggling thought, the 'what-if' reserve, always in the back of my mind. so i am glad that i did this, cuz now i know, really know. in my bones. and now i can let that go and move boldly forth with complete confidence.

so i told scott not to call me, eMail, stop by, or contact me in any other way. i've not responded to any of his frantic renewed efforts past this edict.

and i felt freer. relieved. able to breathe, able to rest, able to restore my peace of mind.

i will not do anything like this ever again. once was more than enough.

i've spoken with jerry, and a few others {including my counselor}; and all day i noticed that i was smiling, singing, laughing, and more at ease.

so now, fresh from a much needed shower {first in three days}, i thought i'd eat the crow with relish.

thanks for being so supportive.
so sorry for the drama.
my senses are restored from their temporary leave.
hope you all meet jerry, and glad you understand me.

*jerry's blog is here, check it*
**blush**