30 July 2008

ack, omg, ack, pantpant

I awoke in a sheer panic this morning.  I hate that.  It hasn't happened for quite some time, but it is one of the most dreaded feelings for me.  This is because my body is already well within the process of panicking when I first gain awareness and then my mind begins to scramble to be sure that I'm safe and not in immediate need of fight/flight.  Then, it doesn't not abate, and for quite some time afterwards, my nerves buzz and my blood boils and my innards imitate enthusiastically played accordions.

Most folks experience mental distress, which prompts the attack.  While I do have those sorts of episodes (anyone who has spoken with me the last few days has witnessed this, since I've been engaging in heavy breathing as tho I am in the 26th mile of a marathon straight up an unpaved mountain gravel path); the more unpleasant panic is prompted by a bodily reaction which then triggers mental distress.  The reason this sort of attack is more frightening for me is that I feel I've less control over the physical reactions than the mental ruminations.

But it is most likely false to think that the panic I awake with is unprompted by mental processes.  I'm sure that my dreaming mind must be experiencing perceived threats and such, of which I'm unaware in my sleep.  Jolted awake with a tightening chest, scrambling frantically, throat locked in a scream, doom swamping me.

Sometimes, I hate being me.


  1. we all hate being us at one time or another... but that doesn't mean I'm any less worried about you.  I've got to go to yon merry neurologist today.  Will be gone for most of it but I will be home this evening.  I'm gonna try to touch base with you.
    PS: I don't it doesn't feel like it but you're actually gonna live.  I promise. :)

  2. Deb ... I think with the recent turmoil your brain is in overdrive ... you'll get through.  You will.

  3. Sometimes...when things are really, really bad...you think life will never be worth it again.  I know.  But I stick around just to see.  Please do the same.

    many hugs,


Thanks for taking the time and effort to let your thoughts be known!