10 July 2009

CanTeach asks...

What is something you are pessimistic about?

There are some things I'm pessimistic about, I'm sure. But right off hand, I can't really think of them. I read the wiki entry on pessimism, optimistic that it would prompt me into thinking of something that I'd be all like, "whoa, that's it {snap}". The one thing that stood out to me was the notion of self-fulfilling prophecy. I think that's the main reason why I tend to catch myself thinking and scolding myself for thinking of things that might be pessimistic.

I tend to get anxious about stuff that most people don't even think about. And I am easy going about lots of stuff that tend to throw others off balance. Sometimes I get pessimistic about my own perceptions of reality.

When I start to doubt my self, and my own perceptions, I get wobbly and worried. I start to think that maybe I have this all wrong and I am too pollyanna or blithely naive. And then I start worrying about worrying and before ya know it, I'm in knots. And then I worry that I might be toxic to others and so I sorta withdrawal as much as I can til I get things figured out. Sorta like taking my own self outta the game til I can get my head on straight.

Sometimes, I despair that I'll ever get the whole moderation thing down pat. I mean, I know in my head and believe in my heart (most times) that I'm in the moderate and safe zone. But when I start having those anxious doubts and all, well I start to worry that I might be going to extremes to protect myself and others from myself. Like those extremes suddenly seem safer and more desirable than the middle ground.

Most folks who know me, reassure me that I'm fine and that there isn't any reason for me to feel all knotted up and worried that I might be toxic to others. Some folks know that that actually makes me feel worse, cuz then I worry that they aren't seeing what I am seeing at that time. So those folks just let me work thru my anxiety and panic, and stay handy and close and reassuring without being patronizing and invalidating.

It's can be tricksee, walking the fine line of balance and moderation. I tend to do a great deal of self-moderation and checking with others to make sure that I'm not extremely off in my perceptions of reality. So I usually catch myself before I go to the extreme of becoming pessimistic, preferring to be overly optimistic if I must go to one pole or the other.

So, I'd say that one thing I'm unrealistically pessimistic about is my existing in the moderate range rather than tipping and zipping too far to one extreme or the other.

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