LIVE! from SFBC, again...sigh

Actually, I had a very exciting day today.  First, I woke up to see my guy's smiling face.  That's a beautifully handsome way to start the day.

Next, I made some appt that I needed to reschedule for next week.  Then I called a dear friend who caught me up on the latest, and gave me some pertainent info I really needed (was that redundant?).  Then I called and left a message for another dear friend who may be under the weather, figuratively and literally.  Then I met with a new acquaintance, the new neighbor of my guy's (she is also an adjunct faculty at Ole Miss) and we went for breakfast.  I did a few email things with NAMI.  Then the forementioned new acquaintance and I attended a presentation, opened with a film and followed with discussion.  The subject was unsettling but needs to be addressed, no doubt.  Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) is also viewed as clitorectomy (but that's just ONE type of FGM) &/or Female Circumsion.  Now, before anyone asks, NO the film did not document the proceedure in graphic detail.  But enough details were shown to leave no doubt as to what was occuring.  Moreso, the film focused on what sorts of cultural reproduction, psychological disruption, and moving toward acceptance of another culture's ways (ie refusing to circumcise your daughter).  It was good to see such discussion, cross-culturally, both sexes, various ages, and so many folks.  WOW.

Then, I came back to The San Fran Bread Co. again.  LIVE coverage from CNN is ongoing, of course.  And I jumped online repeatedly to catch messages and reply regarding the whole upcoming NAMI support group facilitation thing.  And I just found out, oh, about two hours ago that there are TWO groups in Columbus, one is a women's group and one is a general group.  Hmm, ahhh, very inter-rest-tinG.  Actually, I think every other Thursday still applies, it is just that one Thursday is one meeting and the other is the other, is that clear?  Righto.

Oh, and I finished Carol O'Connell's "Winter House" which I started yesterday.  I am planning to see if my local library has her stuff and if so, check them out and read them.  And the day is so not even close to being over.

My guy and I are going to watch "crash" tonight.  We rented it several nights ago and haven't gotten around to it yet.  So, that's on the schedule for this evening.

All in all, a rather productive day.

Now, if only I could shake this annoyingly clinging post-nasal drainage...

WOW, thanks dude(tte)s

Last year, right about this time, I started an online journal with AOL.  I had that journal until the end of January of this year (about 5 months) and had over 2000 hits.  WOW.

Then I changed ISPs.

Then AIM journaling became an option.  So in the beginning of May, I began this journal.  So, in about 4 months, I've been hit over a thousand times.

Call me a masochist, but I love it!!

Thanks guys, for showing the love...grins and spins

So, uh, what's new with you?

Here's the latest on the Mental Health, Illness, and Brain Disorder front:

Well, Ok, so ya knew that I'm ready to start with the whole facilitate the support group thing with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses).  Like ya know here, in Starkville.  Although, you can come, from where ever.  Miami, Atlanta, Nashville, Little Rock, just get here and you can attend, I promise.

  BUT...earlier today, I went to my mailbox (that's blonde speak for checked the inbox of email, although I did dye my hair a lovely shade of burgandy) and found this note in there asking me to take over a group which the facilitator started, then left.  Ok.  Not a major problem.

I am concerned about the facilitator.  Cuz like she didn't just leave the group.  Nope, she left the state.  She moved.  Totally.  And that concerns me, about her, personally.

So I am gonna be doing another group too, in Columbus.  So, hey, guess what?  This really is turning into a GOLDEN TRIANGLE REGIONAL NAMI Affiliate.  Was I ready for this to happen so "soon"?  No, not really.  But, I think I can handle it.  I think I can.

Really.  I think I can.  I think I can.  I think I can.
  I KNOW I can.

Seven...

...things to do before I die (a mixture of short and long term goals):
~~~~~publish writings
~~~~~finsh my PhD
~~~~~get married, have children, raise them correctly
~~~~~complete the last steps to get the NAMI support group up and running
~~~~~Find my purpose in life, and do it well
~~~~~travel more, by land, to see more of our 48 continental (I've nothing against international travel (having done it myself) but there is so much to see and do right here in my own back yard.
~~~~~love more completely

...things I can do:
~~~~~love deeply, strongly, loyally
~~~~~be an advocate for those with mental illnesses and brain disorders who cannot speak out for themselves
~~~~~be a true friend, supportive, kind, companionable
~~~~~learn, my whole life long, I can learn
~~~~~read with gusto
~~~~~teach with passion
~~~~~listen with patience

...things I cannot do:
~~~~~change people's minds
~~~~~or behaviors
~~~~~lead buildings in a single bound
~~~~~or anything else that falls within the realm of superhuman fantasy
~~~~~stand by while someone is being abused
~~~~~allow myself to be abused
~~~~~do an activity requiring fine muscle dexterity and coordination

...things that attract me to the opposite sex:
~~~~~intelligence
~~~~~humor
~~~~~wit
~~~~~maturity
~~~~~responsibility
~~~~~sensitivity/empathy
~~~~~lack of cynisism

...things I say most often:
~~~~~ja, fer sure
~~~~~well ain't that some dumb shit?!
~~~~~who'da thunk?
~~~~~well then, THERE'S that
~~~~~didja poke it?  well, poke it again
~~~~~I may be mentally ill, but c'mon now, I ain't crazy or stupid
~~~~~I love you

...celebrity crushes:
~~~~~Tommy Lee Jones
~~~~~Johnny Depp
~~~~~Clint Eastwood (at times, I gotta be in the mood, ya know?)
~~~~~Christopher Walken
~~~~~Tim Robbins
~~~~~Morgan Freeman
~~~~~Robin Williams

...women I admire:
~~~~~mom
~~~~~my guy's mom
~~~~~my friend, Adria
~~~~~my friend, Nekita
~~~~~my friend, Cheryl
~~~~~my friend, Connie
~~~~~Angelina Jolie

(The above items are listed no particular order, neither in importance nor chronology.)
THANKS ANDI from "She said WHAT?!?"

Going Postal

My postman scared me the other day.  Actually, it was my on damn fault.  It's just sometimes it's easy to forget there are other people who use this road.

See, where I live, the dirt road crosses over a cattle-gap.  Then you are on the Farm.  The road meanders past my place (about a half mile from the cattle-gap) and down over the hill, past a pond (stocked with brim and catfish), and up over a little knoll, across another cattle gap, past the biggest and oldest house in the county (my landlords, who also are my closest neighbors), round a rather sharp curve, and then the road peters out in front of a trailor that is someone elses (my landlord just rents the lot to him).

So ya see, unless you have a reason to be out here, you wouldn't be.  I forget though that folks like garbagemen and mailmen come down this road on a regular basis.  And really, I'm glad they do.  But sometimes I forget that.

So, knowing that the rest of the folks out here are gone in the middle of the day, cuz they work or go pick up kids or something, I was retrieving a bowl that I'd let Shaddow get the goodies out of (mmmmmmmmmmmm chicken and rice with mushroom sauce mmmmmmmmmm).  She licked the bowl so clean that she moved it with her tongue into the middle of the yard.  I went out to pick it up and was half way back to the house when a man spoke up (I really should be more careful).  He said something like, "uuuuuuuuuh, excuse me, but I have this package that won't fit in your mail box".  So with as much grace and nonchalance as I could muster, I went to him, took the package and wished him a good day, after I thanked him.  Calmly, (DO NOT RUN) I went into my house, bowl in one hand, box in the other.  Clothed in my whitee tightees and undershirt.  sigh.  Oh, that'll be a story to share over holiday dinners...oh, yeah, well on my shift.....

Bully for MSU!

I live in Mississippi.  Starkville, actually, home of the Mississippi State University Bulldog.  Football, amongst other sports, is a favorite past-time here.  Fans by their season tickets well in advance and it is not uncommon for those same fans to rent houses for the entire year so that they can have a place to stay on game weekends.  That's not even considering the folks with motor homes that set up in parking lots that surround the stadium.

Well, MSU officials have asked the fans to give up their reservations in hotels for the weekend's game so that they do not displace any of those seeking shelter from the devastation of their homes due to Katrina.  Football coach and other university spokespersons have asked the hotels not to displace anyone in order to honor reservations for the football fans.  I should hope that this would not be an issue.  But you know there are bound to be some fanatic fans that are bull-headed enough to think they have a RIGHT to the reservations, and damned if their gonna let any hurricane get in their way...

I hope I'm wrong.  I hope there won't be morons who insist that the game and their attendance is more important than relief efforts and housing the Katrina worn and torn and dislocated people that took refuge here.  I hope we here in Starkville, can do MSU and Bully the mascot proud.

Trippin it at Wally's World

I went to Wal-Mart to buy some bread and tissues.  It was rather late, the employees were focused on restocking and I was navigating my way carefully around pallets, stacks of boxes, and the occassional pile of plastic wrap.  I got in line, signed my SSI check, and waited for approval and my change.

I was concentrating on walking carefully to the car.  My hips have been very tender of late, as though they are made of spun glass and any sudden jarring movement might shatter them.  My lower back was popping and my knees were grinding as though they were sandfilled.  My ankles were swollen a bit more than usual.  I'm 34.  I'm so not ready for all this achiness.  But it's coming on, anyway.

Just as I got to my car, I noticed that there were several cars parked out in the further slots of the parking lot.  I watched as a woman opened the back door on the driver's side, and lifted a bundle out.  It was a child, slumped against her in heavy exhaustion.  The woman sat on the trunk and rocked a bit.  I almost cried.

I got in my car and drove slowly toward that area.  She saw me and was tensed for flight, as edgy as folks have been, I could hardly blame her.  I had bought two loves of bread, which is very unusual for me, as I don't even buy bread most times.

When I got close, I parked the car, got out and walked slowly over, trying to be soothing in my movements.  I told her that there's not much I can do, but here's a loaf of bread, if that helps.  She smiled and thanked me, and kissed her child's head.

I went back to my car.  I swear I did not feel one single ache or pain in any of my joints.  It's not much, but every little bit helps.

Happy Birthday to the Dose

It's been about a year since I began to publically journal with AOL.  Since then, I've changed ISPs but thankfully AIM was soon to offer the ability to create and maintain journals that can seemingly be identical to the AOL journals.  AHhhh, technology works its wonders again.

I've met some great people through the J-land community.  There are no persons that I do not have some sort of compassion, empathy, or fondness for here that I have met.  There are no mean-people-SO-suck that I've encountered.  Other than one slightly demented comment, I've received nothing but support and encouraging words from the community online.

There have been ups and downs.  I've shared frivolous moments, funny stories, some serious doubts and troubles, and some "omfg, can you BELIEVE this?!?" shockers that my lil ol mind rebelled against.  There have been great joys (winning Judi's first ever essay contest), personal triumphs (the efforts with NAMI), set-backs (medication issues and other doubts), glimpses into my personal life with others (my guy the grad student who is so much more and my folks, who defy any one category, like so many other truly interesting people).  You've comforted me in my sniffles, my strange moments of "ACK!!", and applauded my accomplishments.

I think, I'll stick around for another year.

Now, lets sing a song we all now:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY....

oh, and thanks.

My worth

I know I am a woman of worth.  I deserve truth, honesty, trust, and respect.

I am loyal and loving.

Don't take me for granted.  Don't mess with me.  Don't play me for a fool.

I don't need that.

I can move on.

Will it hurt?  Yes.  But, I am strong.  I belong where I am loved, not lied to.

What is my worth?  It cannot be measured.  But it is more than you seem to realize.

Ya gon lose a good thang, messing round like thet boy.

Ya know it.  Been warned, won't be a next time.

Later.

G'night y'all...

let me leave you with a sweet, sweet song.

Delta Lady
(Leon Russell)
WOMAN OF THE COUNTRY NOW THAT I FOUND YOU
LONGING FOR YOUR SOFT AND FERTILE DELTA
AND I WHISPER SIGHS TO SATISFY YOUR LONGING
FOR THE WARM AND TENDER SHELTER OF YOUR BODY
OH DELTA LADY

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

PLEASE DON'T ASK HOW MANY TIMES I FOUND YOU
STANDING WET AND NAKED IN THE GARDEN
AND I THINK OF THE DAYS
AND THE DIFFERENT WAYS I HELD YOU
WE WERE CLOSELY TOUCHING, YES OUR HEART WAS BEATING

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

OH WHEN I'M HOME AGAIN IN ENGLAND
I THINK OF YOU MY LOVE
CAUSE, I LOVE YOU, LOVE

THERE ARE CONCRETE MOUNTAINS IN THE CITY
AND PRETTY CITY WOMEN LIVE INSIDE THEM
OH BUT YET IT SEEMS THE CITY SCENE IS LACKING
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME IN THE COUNTRY

YOU'RE MINE, YES YOU'RE MINE DELTA LADY
YOU'RE MINE, BE ALL MINE
DELTA LADY

scathing?!?!?

I simply cannot be scathing enough.

The Herald-Times of Bloomington, Indiana reports that a woman faked cancer, not once, but twice.

OMFG!!

Alright, so Brookelyn Walters, now 26 first scammed folks when she was a student at Ball State in Muncie.  She shaved her head and acted as though she were deaf for three years.  The university provided translators for her classes, as well as note-takers.  Sororities and fraternities raised over one thousand dollars to her benefit.

Walters pleaded guilty, but claimed mental illness.  Therefore the courts sentenced her to four years of probation.  I am so peeved.

Earlier this year, Walters moved to Bloomington and takes a job working with a local gymnastic company.  She again claims she has cancer.  Shaves her head.  The owners of the company (her bosses) let her live with them for a month.  Her hair begins to grow back and she tells the five year old daughter of her hosts that her prayers have worked.

The business owners raise over four thousand dollars for her care.  Walters informs them that she needs emergency brain surgery and they accompany her to the hospital.  Whereupon a doctor said that Walters told him that she was in remission, having received treatment in France.

So the kind folks are beginning to think something is off kilter, or hinky, as a good friend of mine likes to say.  So they do a bit of research on the net, and lo and behold! they discovered the Muncie caper Walters pulled in the past.  They were very hurt.

It's crap like that that reminds me that there are fraudulent folks who go beyond any definition of being mentally ill.  This sick puppies go all the way into psychopaths whom have no empathy, no sense of morality, and will continue to hurt others to their own benefit if allowed.  This is just wrong.  I'm frustrated beyond belief at the moment.

wow, weight changes...size matters...

Well about a month ago, my guy took me to Old Navy and bought me some jeans.  They were just a smidge on the tight side, but I figured I was extra bloated from the combination of eating and pre-period pudge.  So I figured they'd be good for the rest of the month.

Well!!

Guess what?

Now they are huge on me.  I can walk right out of em.  I can strip em off without undoing the button or the zipper.

I need a belt.

But I am glad about it.

GRINS and SPINS.

Stormy Weather and the mood was just right...

Well, I lit my hurricane laterns (two kerosene lamps) and several candles.  I got my LARGE print murder mystery library book and cozied down.  I read to my doggies.  They shivered when appropriate.  With the wind and the rain, the mood was perfect.

Silver lining....

Sometimes it pays...

Regular readers might remember my long battle with the phone company.  Well, in brief, to summarize...basically my service would be interrupted for seemingly no reason, with no systematic predictable rythms, such as wind blowing, rain, etc.  So, it got to the point that when I'd call, my phone company's operators would IMMEDIATELY transfer me to the supervisor.  Eventually they came out and realized, huhn, how about that, the crazy girl ain't so crazy, loose connectors and termite ridden poles have played major roles in disruption of her service.  OOooops, egg on our condescending faces.

So, the buried my phone line.

Which means that I had phone service while no one else in my area did.  Cuz I have the phone company which no one else in this area does.  And cuz I was a royal pain in their ass til they fixed it and fixed it but good.  I mean, burying the line sure enough cuts down on chances that it'll get blown down, or that a tree will tear it down or or or....

so, sometimes it pays to be persistantly pesky.

Posting by candle-light

oh yes, i can just imagine telling my nonexistant grandchildren...

I remember in ought-five, musta been august (wadn't it hunny?  hunny?  I saw wadn't that storm in august?)....well, ya, so i lived out'n the country on this here farm.  there weren't no street lights but that wadn't neither here nor there...cuz we all lost our power..  yep sure nuf did.  and since using the phone to calll others was a pain in the rumpus *that there is latin for yer bootee* on accounta all the noise of the wind, rain, and such....well then i just lit some candles booted my trusty laptop and got online.  just so i could post an entry to my journal.  cuz THAT'S where my priorities are.

Two of my favorite foods

I have never before today tried these two foods in combination, at the same meal.  But I love liver.  Usually with onions.  But I didn't have any onions.  I've never cooked liver before, but I thought, give it a shot and the worst that can happen is...that I ruin it and have to chuck it in the garbage.

I love mushrooms (not THAT kind, sillee dude(tte)s).  So this morning, I sauteed some mushrooms (a friggen quart, I always tend to go, oh! gee, I don't know if this pint basket with be enough, better get two) and garlic in butter.

I rinsed and cut the liver into smaller pieces, trimming casing, fat, and tube stuff.  Then the mushrooms came outta the pan, a sprinkle of parmesan, and set them aside.  Add a bit more butter (doesn't this just sound soooooooooo healthy?) and quick fry up that liver.

In just a jif I was through.  The liver went in with the mushrooms.  I consumed it all, except one piece of the liver (because my Shaddow deserves a treat every now and then, and she IS such a good girl).  I cannot give Ziggee people food, cuz he is a little guy and his digestive system is not equipped to handle even the smallest smidge of cheese, or the tiniest bit of pan-drippings on his dry kibbles.  Ziggee's belly will actually emit loud rumbling sounds, which he sleeps right through.  Then a horrible stench will fumigate the room, causing me to stagger from the study wheezing, with tears streaming down my face.  It so is not a pretty picture.

But anyway, the mushroom and liver combo was pretty tastee, if I do say so myself.  My mother would cringe, as those are two of her least favorite foods.  But I ain't my mom.

The case of the yuckees

This past week, I have been feeling drained, physically exhausted, mentally troubled, and emotionally a wreck.  It all has begun to manifest physically.  Last night, my joints and soft tissues were painfully throbbing and very hot in certain places.  My throat felt raw, with post-nasal drainage.  My ear cans itch.  Perhaps a slight fever was present.

This morning, I feel like someone zipped me through a meat tenderizing and now, in addition to all those lovelies from last night, I got the cruddee yellow snots.  Cuz that is TRULY reflective of how I feel.  Oh so lovely.

Ain'tcha glad I share?

& One more for the road...(but to fully get it, gotta listen to it)

Grace Jones~~~~~~"I'm not perfect (but I'm perfect for you)"

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
Had we met at a different time we'd be perfect for each other,
Now we're spending all our time, in this world come together,
My heart is aching, from all the love you're giving,
We're not faking, is this the life we're living?

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

More and more we are together, tryin to discover,
I see a flicker in your eye, are you lookin for somethin better?
You once told me lying on the ground, but keep goin up and down, yo!

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,

I feel right on time,

Why waste it thinkin about it? taste it,
Don't waste it thinkin about it, taste it,

It really doesn't matter wherever i may go,
We're tied together, that's one thing we both know, yo!

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
Now i'm right on time,
I'm not perfect, but i'm perfect for you,
I feel right on time,

Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, i feel right on time,
Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, i feel right on time,
Right on time, i feel on time tonight, i right on time, now i'm right on time,

Other Songs I just love

Nina Simone's "Here Comes the Sun", she also does a great cover of "ooh child", her "Mississippi Goddam" is outstanding, and I like quite a few of her other stuff.

Lionel Ritchie has done so many songs that just hit the spot.  But, I heard "Hello" today and I realized that I know all the lyrics of that one, even though I've not heard it in years.

Terence Trent d'Arby's "Who's Loving You" is incomparable.  Here it is:

When I had you
I treated you bad and wrong my dear
Girl since since you been gone
Don't you know I sit around
With my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

I, I, I, I should have never made you cry
And girl since since you've been gone
I sit around with my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

Life without love is oh so lonely
I don't think I'm gonna make it
All my life, all my life belongs to you only
Come on and take it girl
Come on and take it because

All, all I can do
Since you been gone is cry
And don't you ever wonder
And worry your pretty little head
'Bout what I do
Don't you know I sit around
With my head hanging down
And I wonder who's lovin' you

Back to School

but not for me, just yet.

My guy is starting his second year in the PhD program.  Yea!!   He is soooooooooo busy, and yet maintains 4.0 gpa.  Amazing.

My mom, she is amazing, too.  Back in December 95, the sewing factory that she worked for, closed.  Actually, it was padlocked.  They lost all their contracts to Mexico and other countries.

This was due to the trade agreement.  NAFTA also had provisions that if you lost your job because of the agreement, ie contracts were taken overseas or to Mexico, then you might be able to qualify for 18 months of retraining.  Mom checked into it, urged others too.

Mom did qualify, so she returned to school and earned her Associate's when she was 50.  She then picked up and packed up and cleared out and headed South from PA.  She lived in the Smoky Mnts for years and then moved to Arkansas.  She now lives in the Ouchitah Mnts (which are the only ones to run east west).

Now, she is re-entering school.  Starting with the local community college this term, she hopes to transfer (she's already checked into which credits and classes will transfer) to the university at Fort Smith so she can get her Bachelor's.  The timing ought to coincide nicely with her 60th birthday.

My mom, the scholar.

I am proud of her.  I also am proud of my guy.  And I am sorta living vicariously through them when it comes to academics.  Cuz I'm proud of where I am RIGHT now, and I feel that I need to only focus on NAMI for the time being.