Currently reading...

I'm reading Patricia Cornwell's "Portrait of a Killer:  Jack the Ripper (Case Closed)".   Interesting read.  She applies today's techniques and knowledge to a very old case, such as gathering DNA off stamps that were licked and afixed to envelopes and comparing letters, drawings, and incidences.

Repost from original Debra's Daily Dose (Wed 8 Sep 04)

Do you think I'm mental (paraphrasing KDLang)
ok, it's like this...i have no intention of writing my complete memoirs in one sitting.  but there are some things past that help us to understand the present and prepare us for the future.  so, i cannot tell you when exactly my madness began, but i sure fooled alot of people for a long time.  I was always a tad different and special, gifted, in some way or another, in almost all contexts in my childhood.  As a teen, I did not go through the typical angst period, but i did not really fit in anywhere.  Most of the kids my age thought I was strange.  Most adults thought i was mature.  Then in my twenties and on, as an adult, i was just a tad eccentric.  Sometimes, i would be too far out there, inappropriate in behavior.  But since i moved so often, very few folks got to know me well enough to know that may be there was more going on then what meets the eye.  

Leaving aside most of the details, in sum, early last year, i accepted the diagnoses that classified me as having mental illnesses.  THAT was quite slippery, i had the hardest time wrapping my mind around being MI.  I mean, at the time, I was a graduate student, working on my PhD, with a master's in sociology, and three bachelor's.  I was teaching undergraduate students, doing research, working in a computer lab for the department, and maintaining a very full social life as well.  Being mentally ill was not part of the plan for the big picture.

Now, I had already dealt with having learning disability.  I have dealt with poor health most of my  life.  I had dealt with abuse, surviving, coping, and (I thought) moving on.  What I did not recognize was that much of this was not dealt with at all, rather it was squashed down until I simply lost my resiliency, losing my ability to continue to cope, losing my mind it seemed.

Currently, I am affected by bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), borderline personality disorder (THAT is misunderstood even by psych-peeps), PTSD, panic/anxiety disorder, depression, and compulsive overeating disorder.  No two people handle their diagnoses in the same way, because no two people are affected in exactly the same way.  So, for instance, I do not self-mutilate.  I amnot an impulsive spender/shopper/etc.  I hate the mania more so than the depression.  I do not "look" like I have an eating disorder.  I despise whining, abhorring it in myself.

SO, I am learning to go a bit lighter on myself.  I am learning that it is not ok to push myself beyond my limits.  I am learning just where those limits are and how to pull back when I need to.  I am learning that I might not have developed a great sense of self, so now I am doing just that.

I tire easily.  I am not always chipper.  I am not always quick with wit.  Sometimes, I am irritable beyond belief.  Sometimes I cannot comprehend a sentence, let alone a paragraph, let alone an article.  Sometimes, I feel so utterly defeated that I am sure isolation has merits.  Sometimes, I cannot explain myself very clearly.  Sometimes, knowing me, can be pure unadulterated hell.  I try to know myself enough to be able to recognize the warnings, the shifts, the need to be still and quiet, the need to rest, the need to withdrawl from social circumstances.  sometimes I am sure that my toxicity spills over, tainting relationships.  sometimes, though, i go too far with my self-monitoring.

and most of the time, people enjoy being around me.  they are glad to know me.  and that's when i know that i am worth all the fuss.  i deserve to be healthy, happy, to know love. 

i hope this has been clear, as i am entering a manic period, not having slept for quite some time. racing thoughts, speed....so, i am off to see if i can't rest before i get much worse.  thanks for listening, it ain't easy, to read some of this, i am sure.  but i am not always maudlin, so serious, so intense.

have a good day.  til next post.

Was lost, but now am found...

I don't know that I will be able to spit it all out, or spin it so eloquently that it makes a cohesive tale to tell.  But here are some of the places I've been roaming.  Or haunting, or stomping.

Yesterday's NAMI support group facilitation training was a smashing success.  Thank you to all you how sent me notes of support and encouragement.  Now the others who are going to be co-facilitating know what to expect and what to do, and I think they are not quite so intimidated as they might have been, when it was a big unknown.

Next step is to establish days and times for the group to meet.  I have already arranged for the place, and for free childcare for the participants that need it, and transportation assistance too.  Then it's a matter of getting the word out, doing a press-release, calling Mental Health Care Providers who might want to refer their clients for support group (not as a substitute for counseling, but as a supplement).

So, once this last bit is done, and the group is up and running.  I'm pulling back a bit, cuz mania is escalating and I am worn out.  Gonna attend and be a member, but let the cofacilitators go for it.  They'll do fine.

My guy has been in a whirl of activity, getting ready for the second year of his PhD program.  He is taking on new responsibilities and projects.  As well as maintaining his work schedule and attendance of conferences and seminars.

So, last week, I was with him.  I couldn't sleep one night, so I downloaded some stuff and tweaked his computer.  It runs much faster and cleaner now.  Once again, my thanks to Victor and Andi.  Love ya guyses.

I missed three days of meds and have been reminded once again, that is  SO not the good thing to do.  I was driving on Sunday, so delibrately did not take them because some make me less alert than I need to be to drive.  Then Monday, I was so keyed for the day with NAMI training that I forgot to take the meds with me for the day.  D'oh.  And today, I didn't take the day stuff, cuz I need to eat with the meds.  But I will take the night stuff.  ahhh, sleep.  mmmm.

I need to improve my diet, my eating habits, my schedule of when and what I eat because of health reasons, but also because of med issues.  My head feels froggee and my body is not liking me too much at the moment.  I get physical withdraw symptoms almost immediately within missing a dose of certain meds.  And my body and mind is used to the mixture and when I mess with that, it is bad bad bad.

So, now, I need to rest and recuperate til I get my wits about me and find myself again.  See you soonest.   Love me

I got butterflies in the belly (&/or the belfry)

Tomorrow is the NAMI sponsored one-day support group facilitation training seminar/workshop.  I've waited for about 6 months for this.  Now that it's here, I'm skairt.

(gargle, ahem, aam) me me me me meeeeeeeeeeee

This meme was passed on to me by Paul Little up there in Canada.  It is about books and that is one of my favorite topics.  If I could eat them, I would.  But that just goes to show how I relate everything to food.  And that is neither here nor there...

So, how many do I own?  Well the short answer would be:  LOTS.  I've left more books behind in all my 50+ moves than I've retained, but I still own lots.  Most of my books are academic.  Lots of theory authors like, Marx, Durkheim, Weber, DuBois, Giddons, Freud, and the like.  Then I also have a small grouping of Stephen King.  I own some others that I love to reread like, "Bastard out of Carolina" by Dorothy Allison and "Joy Luck Club" by Amy Tan.  Then too, I am a huge fan of libraries.  I cannot afford to buy books I want, and I also would like to try books that I don't want to spend huge sums of money for...and the library lets me sample authors and genres I might not otherwise try.

The book I am currently reading is "Scandal in Fair Haven" by Carolyn G. Hart.  I have been reading quite a few of her books lately.  She writes in several genres.  But I like these the best I think, the ones that are mystery/suspense/who-dunnit types.

Five books that mean alot to me:  Everybody Poops (shocking, I know, but everyone really does poop); Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster (wonderfully witty); Fried Green Tomatoes (at the Whistle Stop Cafe) by Fannie Flagg; my Life Applications New International Bible (lots of footnoted explanations of cultural and historical references); and the COURAGE TO HEAL by Bass and Davis (cuz I really do have the courage to heal, it's an ongoing process).

who to tag?  who to tag?  I don't know, lemme ponder on it....

Tracy Chapman

Back in the 80s, I listened and sang along with Tracy Chapman as she wistfully spoke of a fast car that would led to a better life, and a mountain o' things, and all those songs from that album.  I knew them all and could belt them out in my little ford escort when I was zooming from class to work to home and back.

She continues to release amazingly great music.  She touches my heart and soul.  She has also been involved in so many worthy causes. Tracy's new album is soon to be released, within the month. Maybe I'll get it for my birthday in November.

Cars, love em when they run...

hate em when they don't.

Last week, I bumped into a friend of mine at the library.  We got to chatting.  Then we went for coffee (well, I drank tea and she had a peach shake, but it was at a coffee shake, did you really need to know that, no, but now ya do).  We ended up parting very late.

I hopped on the interstate and cruised on north a bit, and noticed my "check gauges" light lit up.  So, I checked the gauges (cuz I'm good that way).  And I noticed that I was running a little warm (ok, I was hot, but the engine was running a little warm, wink).

Then, just as I merged onto an east bound extension of another interstate highway, I saw the "check engine" light come on.  I thought, hm, well, ok...but here?  I don't THINK so.

Turns out I didn't have a choice.

Cuz right after that, as I was nearing the exit ramp from that interstate to the road that goes home, my car did a shake, shimmy, hump, shudder, and bump.  All power was lost so I coasted as far off the road onto the shoulder as I could. and popped the hood.  No smoke so THAT was a good sign.

There were lots of lights overhead, because this was a new interstate extension.  So, as I rooted around in the trunk for my big ol' flashlight (it's a mega mag-lite, ya gotta love that), the FIRST patrolman pulls over.  He was friendly.  Not helpful.  But friendly.  That's a plus, in my book.

Then I remember while I am chatting with the officer that OH, yeah, my flashlight was in the front of the car so that if ever I felt I needed to have a heavy wand to crack someone's nuts, well, it'd be right handy.  So, I go searching for it.  So thankful I was wearing jeans and not a flirty skimpy lil ol' swishy skirt.

Flashlight in hand, I headed for the popped hood.  When another police officer pulls up.  He is not happy.  He was helpful.  But not happy.  Very suspicious.  Yes, I staged this so that I could meet my connection and get my fix, wow, you are too smart for me.  But he did call AAA on his cell phone for me.  Though he was NOT happy about it.  Still he was helpful.

So then as I find the problem and am laughing like a loon, a road-side stranded loon at that, a THIRD officer pulls up.  Of course, I am appearing as though I might be on drugs, and thusly a menace to society, so he approaches with caution and is not happy either.  But neither was he helpful, because there was nothing for him to do really.  AAA was on their way.

He did however insist that I explain the whole thing.  I mean it wasn't enough that I am standing there holding an incredibly long belt which did not break, but slipped in one intact loop right off ALL my pulleys.  Cuz that belt drives the entire engine.  It's not obvious to him that I am having engine problems of major proportions.

Or maybe he was wondering why I was reacting as I was.  I already assured him that Officer A and B had been by.  That AAA was on their way.  That I felt reasonably safe until the tow guy got there and that I would be fine riding home with the tow guy (after all, I had my handy dandy nut cracking mega mag-light).

After he left, I put the belt in the back of my car, on the floor behind my driver's seat.  I slammed the trunk.  I slammed the hood.  I got all nice and comfy in the driver's seat and pulled out my book because the light was THAT good.

The 4th officer comes to see me, by now, I am tired.  More than a little loopy.  I haven't taken any of my meds.  Cuz I am not supposed to drive on them, and although I wouldn't be driving, I wanted to be as alert as possible.  But I had a sack of the Rx from the store in the back seat.  The officer shines his light around the interior of the car.  My eyes are bloodshot and I am developing a tic under my right eye.  My hands are shaking when I show him my Driver's License upon request.  He demands to know why I am so nervous.

So, I tell him, well, it's been a rough few HOURS and you're the fourth officer to stop by and I appreciate the safety that implies, but the strobe lights from your flashers are wrecking havoc on my system.  He asks me to step from the car.  I was going to, but just then the wrecker pulled up and so the officer backed off and gave me my license back.  He stayed long enough to ascertain that the wrecker was indeed spoda tow me home.

Then he left.  The car and I got home around 4:30 am.  The belt slipped off because the tension pulley was crooked.  SO replacing the belt and pulley, parts and labor, and tow (cuz AAA covers only one tow per incident) ran about $300.

My guy of course came to my rescue.  I generally am a cheap date.  I'm generally low maintence.  (much to the chagrin of my southern female friends who try and try to do something with my hair, makeup, clothing, etc.  but ya know, it's just not ME)  I like to pay my rent, electric, gas, insurance, phone, and garbage on time, if not early.  And that's that.

So this car has been good to me and my guy, cuz he uses it too.  Whenever we are together, this is what we take.  Other than oil changes, new tires, this is the only thing gone wrong.  So, that's not too bad.  Especially since I've had the car for 2.5 yrs and it's a 1993.

I appreciate him covering this.  I really do.  But I don't ask for much.  Really.

Just a car that runs.

To paraphrase Meredith Brooks:
  That's all I need, see how easy I am to please?

They are

My folks....ya gotta love em.  I do, cuz they are mine.  So, there's that.

But even if they weren't my folks, I'd most likely still love em.  I'd've picked em for friends and I love my real honest to the bone friends.  Ya know?

But, I gotta tell ya, this takes the cake....

wedding cake, that is.

Yep, they got remarried.

(sniffle, sniffle)  Couldn'ta happened to a better couple.  sigh

Monty's Python, revisited

Ok, dudes, remember the python that was in the delivery truck that I mentioned a few entries back?  Well, if not, go read about it, then come back, I'll wait.  WE WILL ALL WAIT, cuz I believe in group solidarity, in some cases, but I'm digress...

The rest of the story is this:  there was a 19 yr old PA dude that ordered a female python to get in on with his male python, so they could have a bunch of baby pythons.  So, where ever he ordered this female from, they put her in a plastic tube, long and slinky, cuz ya know, it's all about accessories.  And then they put the tube in a box, long and well, boxy.  Cuz really what can you do with a box, besides look, boxy?

Turns out pythons are strong (no!!  gasp, who'da thunk?!?) and she perhaps got tired of not having lots of squiggle-wriggle room.  I dunno, maybe she was getting a cramp from being in one position for so long.  Anyway, she moved. and cracked the plastic tube.  And slithered out.  And hid amonst the rest of the boxes where there was probably a little more variety, cuz that's important.  And what's even more important, at least from her perspective, I'd imagine, is the knooks and crannies and dark spaces.

So the delivery dude delivers an empty long box to the other dude, who notices it is not quite as heavy as perhaps it should be, sssssssssssssay...this is empty!!  So python-breeder dude chases after delivery dude who doesn't see the pursuent.  Next, delivery dude finds python in truck, ack!  Enter humane society.  THAT incident is on record with delivery people so when the python-breeder calls delivery company to say, hey!  My python box was empty and what's the dang-deal?!  The delivery dudes can say, oh!!!!  and put all the pieces together.

End of the story, python-breeder claims female python from humane society, after showing ID, packing slip, and fax from delivery company explaining damn-deal.   The delivery dudes still aren't too sure how this happened, cuz ya know, they still don't deliver live animals.  That's their policy.  And they are sticking to it.

I wonder if the whole thing has been too traumatizing for the python to get freaky with the new male of her life...

a quickie

just wanted to post and say,

(ahem)

"still here, hope all is well there, will write later when i have more time, lots to tell, take care, love ya bunches, bye!!"

;-)

Fresh figs!!!

A few years ago, when I first moved to Mississippi, one of my office-mates brought in some succulent little creamy rose-tinted fruits.  I tried one, it was soooooooooo good, that I ate another three.

Finally, I asked her what they were.  She seemed surprised that I didn't know that they were figs.  I didn't even know figs grew in these parts.  But yup they do.

So, my landlords have three "bushes" (that's what they call em, but they look like fully grown trees to me).  The figs are ripening as I type.  There has already been a first picking.  But, I can meander down that way and pick me some in a few days when these ripen the rest of the way.

Now for those of you who have never eaten a fresh fig let me tell you that you are missing a real treat.  Think of a grape and then a raison.  Ok, THAT'S the difference between a dried fig and a fresh one.

A fresh fig is soft, bursting with sweet honeyed nectar mixed with a slight berry taste.  The seeds are reddish pink and are not hard and gritty, but are flavorful themselves .  So gooooood, your mouth will be happy you tried one.

I can hardly wait to go fig pickin'.

sthanx for all the mammorees

Last year, in my original AOL journal, I was severely frightened by the discovery of lumps in my breasts.  It started out quite routine.  I went for my yearly pap, the nurse practioner was doing my breast exam which usually goes with a pap.

I noticed that while we were conversing for a time, she was palpitating one spot for a very unusually long time.  Like so long we made it all the way through 5 or 6 different topics.  And this is in Mississippi where we speak slower than the national average.

She said something like, "hmmmmmmmm hm, no, no I can't say as a like the feel of this."

I replied with, "no, I'm not liking it too much either."  I meant the continues poking and prodding, cuz I am a lumpee-bumpee person and always have been.  That's why I was not overly concerned about a lump or two in the breastages.

Then there was a bunch of other talk and setting up of appts with consulting surgeons and such.  Whoaaaaa. k.

So, during the manuel exam at the surgeon's office, he discovered a few more suspicious lumps.  I went for a mammogram and they found all sorts of things to alert the doc about.  During the ultrasound (I did not know they do ultrasounds on breasts, but it makes sense, I just didn't know, ya know?), we plotted (yes, I said PLOTTED) six major sacks.  Three in each breasts.  And a multitude of pebble-like grit, the size of um pebbles.

So Dr. Han Some consults with another Dr.  They agree that in all likelihood, these sacks are lumps, of the lumpee-bumpee kind.  We'll just keep an eye on em.

So we did.  Six months later, I went back for another feel me  up courtesy of Dr. Some.  Now we are at a year.

Yesterday, I went in to have the mammogram.  I was singing the Hokey Pokey because it really is what it's all about.  The nurse fit me in, tucked here, pulled there, tilted this way, ok, move your CHIN up and to the left (cough twice, no just kidding, threw that in to see if you were paying attention).

She said that I was a real trooper.  Holding up admirably well (shoulda seen me when I was younger, I held up even better, perky even, ya might say).  And because she liked me so well, she tipped the proverbial radiologist's hand.

Cuz they really aren't spoda tell ya.  Cuz that's the doc's job.  But, hey, I'm looooking gooood.  Nosignificant changes from last year.  Keeeewwwwwwl.

Still, I will keep my doc appt on the 23rd, when he squirts boob-lube on me and using his wand.......oh, yeah, that's the ticket baby.

Monty's Python

Yesterday, I read about a woman who found a four and a half foot python snuggled between the dishwasher and the countertop.  He was basking in the warmth found there.  Apparently, the previous tenant left him in the apartment, cuz...well, he got tired of having a python.  So, not only did the duplex come with all appliances, but a rather large snake (a hidden benefit that not everyone appreciates).  This woman said that after her initial fright wore off, she grew very angry.  Cuz, ya know, what if it had been in her children's room?  They at age 2 and 3 are considerably smaller than the python, even the terrier would have made a lil bite.  But, no harm done, snake went into a pillow case (i wonder if it was one of the body-pillow cases?) and set for sale....

In other python news, this morning I read that a UPS dude found a nine footer in his truck.  He thought it was a stuffed toy or a rubber realistic looking albino python, til it raised its head.  Then he stumbled away from the truck and whipped out his cell-phone to call the local humane society for help.  They manuevered said python into a canvas UPS sack and carted him off.  The UPS dude said that he has no idea how the snake got in the truck, cuz it's against regulations to deliver live animals.  I rather doubt the python knew or cared about that particular policy.

Holy Schmoly Schmack!!

Looks like Friday's Freakdom on Monday...

So, I'm reading about this guy, who goes to a doctor cuz he's got a sore throat, running a fever, and experiencing shortness of breath.  The doctor takes x-rays of his lungs.  AHA!

The culprit is a lower denture consisting of 8 teeth.  Stuck in his bronchial tube.  OMG!

Seems he lost the denture...been looking for em for ohhhhhhhhhhhh THREE YEARS.

Thanks, Paul!!

My thanks to Plittle over here and the man behind CarnivAOL.  A few entries back I was saying what a twit I could be, using losing my entry as an example.  Paul offered a wonderful suggestion to me, in e-mail.

He said that I could right-click anywhere on my desktop and choose a new text document.  That way I could write the entry, then post it, with no fuss or muss like those annoying stylistic computer language do-hickey (my words, not his) that comes when inserting word documents into AOL journal space.

Yippittee skippittee!!!  It works wonderfully well.  Thanks, Paul!!

On the Mental Health/Illness Info Front

We have scheduled a one-day support group facilitation seminar for this area.  The people with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesses--name changed last month) are in large part to thank for so much of the assistance with helping us to meet our goal.  Our goal is to establish an ongoing support group for those with mental illnesses and brain disorders.

For some of my readers, you might be well-versed on my journey through this process.  This is the last of several seminars that we (a core few of us) have been attending so that we are able to conduct the support group.  We already have arranged a meeting place, with a local community-based service provider.  It's FREE, and child-care will be provided!!!  And I have offered assistance with transportation.  So it sounds like most of our bases are covered.

So why am I so nervous?

Well, actually, it's not that unreasonable to be nervous.  Why?  Well, because this is new.  It's a huge amount of responsibility.  And there are other reasons as well.

But, I am already exhausted.  This summer has been a very labor-intensive effort for me.  There was the Peer to Peer education workshop in June.  Then I attended the IN OUR OWN VOICE training in July.  And now this seminar in Aug.

And to think that the support group is set to meet on a weekly basis!!  We need it.  I will not be alone in efforts to administer to the needs of the startup and continuation.

I'm just so tired.  Happy that it is coming together so well.  But exhausted.

Just venting...

Wed cont'd

My guy had called.  His truck was in need of repair.  Great need.

The AC went out.  His brakes were going out.  And what is that bing, gurgle, bing sound??

So I drove up to his place after some heavy duty nappage.

We went to the garage.  Then went to a local sorta-deli.  It's a soup/salad/sandwich place but with a twist.  Hard to describe much more than that.

So today, Thursday, my guy gives his final!!!  Yea!!!!  finally!!  this was such the suck-ass experience for him.  I felt just awful for him.  I wanted to tell him you'll get used to having part of the class failing, no matter what.  But in the ten years I've taught college courses, I've discovered that even if you give them the exact questions prior to the test, there are some folks who are still gonna fail.  Ya can take in to the bank.

Recap Wed

Yesterday, I called Medicare.

But wait!  Let's revisit last Thursday.  I went to the local Medicaid office, who sent me to the social security office, who told me I must call the Medicare offic.  I asked if I couldn't speak to someone, face to face.  The woman looked at me, snapped and swiveled her little head on her little neck and all but shouted, I said, no!

Yeah, so ok, it took til yesterday for me to gather my wits about me and call medicare.  She wass rather nice and answered as many questions as possible.  Then she started to refer me to the medicaid office for help on the other questions I had written.  So I told her about medicaid palming me off on social security and so on.

She was shocked.  Horrified.  And dare I say that I detected a little relish in her voice?  Why, yes, I do dare!

So she typed up a few complaints at my request and submitted them and I should hear something from someone on Monday or Tuesday.

ANother Tuesday Tidbit

Cole Porter wrote and sang, "It's Too Darn Hot".

I couldn't agree with him more.

Temp:  99

Heat Index:  OMFG, nappage required.

Oh, and I'd like to say,

damn, it's HOT.  93 degrees.  In the shade.

Take into account HUMIDITY, and right now the heat index is around 105.

AND the hottest part of our day usually falls between 2-4.  So, the projected temps reach 98.  The heat index is forecasted to hit 110.

I have the PERFECT excuse for not mowing my lawn today.  You'd need to be insane to get out there in this heat.  And I am mental, but not insanely stupid.  Take THAT to the bank.