Over the weekend, Scott and I spoke of suicide. Not my own. I told him about a friend of mine who worried that she would leave a mess behind and so would clean and get all her affairs in order and then when she was mostly through, she would be so tired that she wouldn't be able to find the energy to commit the act. Besides, none of us can tidy all of our affairs, there are loose ends somewhere along the way.
We spoke about how the person that finds you would be affected and how
that is not really avoidable, unless you were to disappear. Even
that carries its marks and lingering troubles. So if you ever
existed here, then you will always exist in someone's mind, their
memories, their thoughts, their dashed dreams of the future.
There really is no escaping that.
This morning, a friend of mine who I met through NAMI trainings and
events, told me that a woman we knew through the same events was
dead. She killed herself through self-medication, drinking, and
so forth. She is gone, but her memories live on and her ten year
old son must cope with her death forever. He will be sorting
through her life and death for years to come. I hope he did not
find her. I am glad she did not linger in a coma never to return.
How does her death affect me? Only in the general broadest sense,
I'd suppose. We were not close, we were not friends. I knew
her only because she was one of the mentors through my first NAMI
training, Peer to Peer education. I was not terribly fond of her
I wouldn't wish her troubles upon her, or even my worst enemy. I
am sorry that she was not able to reach out for help, or to accept the
assistance she might have been offered. I don't know what her
life was like or how she experienced it.
I can only tell you that this reaffirms that death by my own hand is
not an option that I choose. Will there be a time of horrendous
chaos that overwhelms me? Yes. Will I become suicidal at
some point in my future? Perhaps. I can only hope that if
that point comes, I will recall my anti-suicidal thoughts. I hope
that I will reach out for help. I hope that I will accept it.