On the 21st, a friend cornrowed my hair across the crown of my head. It took lots of heaviness off my bangs and was very comfortable. The rest of it just flowed back without any fuss and muss. I really liked it and it stayed in for a long time. I'd post a pic, but haven't a webcam at the moment.
I washed my hair everyday, and it lasted until today. I finally took it all out cuz the top of my head was getting a little fuzzy and the braids were getting loose cuz my hair grows incredibly fast. The thing is, now my head is way hot.
I hadn't realized how much of a difference that style makes.
style. yeah.
31 August 2008
30 August 2008
currently reading: fiction
I've not read anything by this author for a long time, and very vaguely remember the 13th Juror. So I picked up a few books yesterday from the local public library, some fiction, some non, and some audio. A few weeks back when I attempted to read, I only got about a hundred pages done in two weeks. So I'm very pleased that I'm back on the reading rail!currently reading
Bernie Siegel, MD's "How To Live Between Office Visits: A Guide to Life, Love, and Health". It's an easy read, very conversational, with profound insight, wit, and a great deal of compassion. It's truly comforting and healing while encouraging the reader to examine some potentially scary areas.on journaling, online acquaintances who have become offline friends, & lasting relationships
Journaling has long proven to be tauted as therapeutic. Writing is a form of thinking for me. When I need to process things that are too intimate to blog about in the public online arena, I keep my hand-written journal. I don't write in that journal nearly as often as I post to my online journal because usually life doesn't present such personal matters that cannot be openly discussed and shared.
Until a month ago, the only writings involving "my guy" were extremely positive and generally vague in detail. One only needs to have taken a gander at my journal over the years to know that. Often I would be bragging on him, and appreciating him, and in other ways being loving and supportive, encouraging, and accepting. Those of you who are longtime readers know this.
The online community of which I am a member here has been extremely thoughtful. I've very rarely (meaning once or perhaps twice) received a negative comment, in large part because I'm generally a mindful, positive person and am respectful of others. The friends who have rallied around me have often times started as acquaintances here online and then spilled over into lasting, trusting, and strong relationships offline.
The bloggers who I've linked to in the left are folks who are authentic and honest. Many of them have become professional writers thru blogging. Some have even been able to make their livelihoods solely from blogging and lead full lives that often include similar personal struggles with which I can identify. In fact, it is because people share their own experiences in a supportive environment that I have been able to process, grow, and venture forth in my own life.
Generally, I've been protective of others and only share information that is mine to share. Sometimes I will use names, such as "for Mari", "for Adria", "for Kathy", or "for Courtney". The information then used in the entry is general enough so that there are no identifying markers other than a first name that is commonly used throughout the general population.
In all but one instance was I very complimentary. In the one case I was not, most folks didn't even realize that the clarification was for that person who was so harmful; folks just thought that I'd written a clarification as I would for a friend. The guilty party read much more intent into it because she knew she fucked up and yet pleaded for discretion after having shown blatant indiscretion over the span of six weeks through her own actions offline. So much so that employees from a local organization who did not have any clue what was going on remarked upon her inappropriate behavior in public spaces such as the parking lot.
About a month ago, I experienced the deepest betrayal a person can have in this lifetime. There were some entries that I posted for less than 24 hours, then taking them offline because I felt that the toxic rage, tremendously painful bewilderment would only serve to make me more bitter and would be more harmful to myself, as generally I am kind to all. I was even then protective of others, respecting their privacy and divulging few if any markers other than a first name.
The man that I'd referred to as "my guy" for years now has recently decided that he would rather I didn't blog about my life (and therefore his by association). For years, when he would read entries in my journal, he always had extremely supportive positive feedback. At no time prior to the last few weeks has he ever voiced or shown any concern about my blogging. It is only since his betrayal of me, the supposed "love of his life"; that he is now concerned about what I have to say, how I say it, where I say it, and who might read it.
I think journaling is more authentic and meaningful than belonging to a score of "social networks" online, chat rooms, and engaging in flirtations that lead to extremely harmful affairs that slid down slippery slopes into cesspools. The people who have become my friends thru journaling, thru shared experiences, thru supportive endeavors are among those that I consider some of my truest friends. I've moved over fifty times in my life and have always made lasting friendships, wisely choosing individuals who have stood by me thru time and experiences.
The only time that I have so wrongly chosen and misread an individual is the man that I trusted and loved with my everything. After five years, he had decided to wreck what was the best thing he has ever or will ever experience. Eventually, he will understand and accept that instead of fighting so hard against himself.
He not only foolishly believes that he fell in love with a woman with whom he first chatted up online, then met offline, in a matter of a few weeks; only to then within two weeks decide that gee, maybe fast friendships with benefits such as that are empty of meaning and not worth the price paid. But instead of realizing that he has only himself to be angry with, he has decided that I am to blame for having blogged about my own grief and bereavement. He believes that I should continue to protect him, even tho he has destroyed any reason why I should do so.
In truth, tho, I have and do continue to protect his identity. But the guilty always feel that everyone knows their particular identity and that shameful knowledge of their own despicable behavior preys upon them. So he protests that I should not share my own feelings and views on all this, because he fears that his own actions reflect poorly on him.
Too bad. So sad. I have shown more moral and ethical accountability than either of the two individuals who are in positions to have integrity and yet do not. Shame that even in my lowest, I am still infinitely better than them. Shame on them.
Good on me.
Until a month ago, the only writings involving "my guy" were extremely positive and generally vague in detail. One only needs to have taken a gander at my journal over the years to know that. Often I would be bragging on him, and appreciating him, and in other ways being loving and supportive, encouraging, and accepting. Those of you who are longtime readers know this.
The online community of which I am a member here has been extremely thoughtful. I've very rarely (meaning once or perhaps twice) received a negative comment, in large part because I'm generally a mindful, positive person and am respectful of others. The friends who have rallied around me have often times started as acquaintances here online and then spilled over into lasting, trusting, and strong relationships offline.
The bloggers who I've linked to in the left are folks who are authentic and honest. Many of them have become professional writers thru blogging. Some have even been able to make their livelihoods solely from blogging and lead full lives that often include similar personal struggles with which I can identify. In fact, it is because people share their own experiences in a supportive environment that I have been able to process, grow, and venture forth in my own life.
Generally, I've been protective of others and only share information that is mine to share. Sometimes I will use names, such as "for Mari", "for Adria", "for Kathy", or "for Courtney". The information then used in the entry is general enough so that there are no identifying markers other than a first name that is commonly used throughout the general population.
In all but one instance was I very complimentary. In the one case I was not, most folks didn't even realize that the clarification was for that person who was so harmful; folks just thought that I'd written a clarification as I would for a friend. The guilty party read much more intent into it because she knew she fucked up and yet pleaded for discretion after having shown blatant indiscretion over the span of six weeks through her own actions offline. So much so that employees from a local organization who did not have any clue what was going on remarked upon her inappropriate behavior in public spaces such as the parking lot.
About a month ago, I experienced the deepest betrayal a person can have in this lifetime. There were some entries that I posted for less than 24 hours, then taking them offline because I felt that the toxic rage, tremendously painful bewilderment would only serve to make me more bitter and would be more harmful to myself, as generally I am kind to all. I was even then protective of others, respecting their privacy and divulging few if any markers other than a first name.
The man that I'd referred to as "my guy" for years now has recently decided that he would rather I didn't blog about my life (and therefore his by association). For years, when he would read entries in my journal, he always had extremely supportive positive feedback. At no time prior to the last few weeks has he ever voiced or shown any concern about my blogging. It is only since his betrayal of me, the supposed "love of his life"; that he is now concerned about what I have to say, how I say it, where I say it, and who might read it.
I think journaling is more authentic and meaningful than belonging to a score of "social networks" online, chat rooms, and engaging in flirtations that lead to extremely harmful affairs that slid down slippery slopes into cesspools. The people who have become my friends thru journaling, thru shared experiences, thru supportive endeavors are among those that I consider some of my truest friends. I've moved over fifty times in my life and have always made lasting friendships, wisely choosing individuals who have stood by me thru time and experiences.
The only time that I have so wrongly chosen and misread an individual is the man that I trusted and loved with my everything. After five years, he had decided to wreck what was the best thing he has ever or will ever experience. Eventually, he will understand and accept that instead of fighting so hard against himself.
He not only foolishly believes that he fell in love with a woman with whom he first chatted up online, then met offline, in a matter of a few weeks; only to then within two weeks decide that gee, maybe fast friendships with benefits such as that are empty of meaning and not worth the price paid. But instead of realizing that he has only himself to be angry with, he has decided that I am to blame for having blogged about my own grief and bereavement. He believes that I should continue to protect him, even tho he has destroyed any reason why I should do so.
In truth, tho, I have and do continue to protect his identity. But the guilty always feel that everyone knows their particular identity and that shameful knowledge of their own despicable behavior preys upon them. So he protests that I should not share my own feelings and views on all this, because he fears that his own actions reflect poorly on him.
Too bad. So sad. I have shown more moral and ethical accountability than either of the two individuals who are in positions to have integrity and yet do not. Shame that even in my lowest, I am still infinitely better than them. Shame on them.
Good on me.
compassion
Sometimes we all need some assistance and company in our troubled moments. Learning to accept that can be extremely difficult. This pic speaks to me on so many levels, in so many ways. Thought I'd share.gracious gratitude
I came across this image when I googled "compassion" and it is such a lovely soulful representation that I thought I'd share it with you! I'm in the midst of writing thank-you notes to some folks that have been very compassionate, caring, kind, supportive, encouraging, and accepting over the last lil bit. So many times, folks don't realize how appreciated they really are. So I just want to be able to express that to them, because they do make a difference. Just like so many of you do!28 August 2008
sweet lil nut says,
Well,
hello to you from the Farm in Mississippi! It's been a very strenuous
month and boy am I glad to be seeing the end of August and the
beginning of September. With the first being Labor Day, I'm sure that
folks have some special plans, be they cook-outs, vegging at home, or
hitting the road or the river for some fishing of sorts {wink}. Be
safe and have lots of fun as the end of summer passes into fall.
As for myself, now that I've returned to home after having spent ten days in a stressful environment, I am unwinding and my anxiety level is resting at a lovely zero (yea for me!). I'm looking forward to spending some quiet time, reading, writing, relaxing {those 3Rs} and I might even crochet a bit after having not picked up a hook for the entire month. Ya know how there is that adage about doing something painful cuz it feels so good when it stops? That's what I feel like! It truly is good to be home.
Hope you are having a great week's end, whether it's with a new baby, heavy class load, new job, special activities with the county fair, new school year, returning from a trip, about to make a trip, rearranging living space, or what have you; have a good one!
Grins,
Debra
As for myself, now that I've returned to home after having spent ten days in a stressful environment, I am unwinding and my anxiety level is resting at a lovely zero (yea for me!). I'm looking forward to spending some quiet time, reading, writing, relaxing {those 3Rs} and I might even crochet a bit after having not picked up a hook for the entire month. Ya know how there is that adage about doing something painful cuz it feels so good when it stops? That's what I feel like! It truly is good to be home.
Hope you are having a great week's end, whether it's with a new baby, heavy class load, new job, special activities with the county fair, new school year, returning from a trip, about to make a trip, rearranging living space, or what have you; have a good one!
Grins,
Debra
i'm back
just a short note to say, i'm back. i'll post more later; after slogging thru 175+ eMails and returning calls and all that other stuff. my furrbees are so happy to see me and i am thrilled with their unconditional love. grins.
it's good to be home.
sigh. so good.
it's good to be home.
sigh. so good.
18 August 2008
deep breaths
facing fears, yet again. i'm gonna be outta pocket for a bit. know that i'm ok, in a safe place. thanks for being so supportive and accepting, i appreciate you all very much (even the lurkers). post when i can, not to worry; k? k.
17 August 2008
on being wholly healthy
This morning has been a productive morning. I've been thinking and I thought that I'd share some of those thoughts with you. This is a portion of what I've written in my hand-written journal.
"I'm understanding that I've abandoned myself in some ways and have not valued my worth enough to be here for me and not to fade into the background and not attract attention cuz putting others ahead of me seemed more important; like that was showing support, encouragement, and acceptance.
"I'm sorry that I have abandoned my self in those ways. I do think that over the past two and a half years that I have reconnected and been more mindful of my own self, my thoughts, my feelings, etc.
"The notion of abandonment is new to me, but I can clearly see how that has been such an important part of me in so many ways on so many levels.
"Isn't that really what it's all about? Reclaiming those abandoned parts to become a healthy whole?"
I've not felt very comfortable with notion of abandonment, because somehow I was thinking that it was like being dropped off in the desert and being alone and never found again. That's why I say that it is new to me. Cuz I've been thinking and redefining my view to understand that abandonment and neglect are not always so obviously drastic. Neglect doesn't mean that you are locked in the shed for months at a time. Neglect can also mean not having your needs met in other ways too. And abandonment can mean so much more besides death by desert.
I see how I've abandoned my self in many ways. I'm not mad at me, I'm a bit sad. But I don't feel pressure to quick! right that wrong. Partly because I understand why I did some of the fracturing that I did. I know why I abandoned my self in certain ways, cuz at the time, that's what I needed to do to get thru. And I do understand that I've been working to become more whole and healthy, and reintegrate those parts that have long been standing alone. I just hadn't thought of it as regreeting, reclaiming, welcoming, loving, caring, supporting, accepting, encouraging, those abandoned parts into my self.
food for thought.
I've been doing ok this morning. Been thinking lots, puzzling stuff out. I'm ok with that. I feel like not to do so when I want to would be even more dangerous. Like shoving those thoughts out of consideration would worsen the situation, creating more chaos than if I pay attention and be considerate to those parts and thoughts when I am thinking of them. Ya know?
16 August 2008
it happened anyway
Today started off quite well. By noonish tho I was beginning to have a hard time. And I tried to be there for it. But it escalated. By mid-afternoon, I was writing and eMail to my counselor {she's on maternity leave, that baby is due any day now! but she wants me to eMail whenever I'd like, cuz she knows that writing is thinking for me, and that way she knows where I am at in this mess}. By about 3p, my heightened anxiety burst into panic. And for the next three hours, I had constant panic; it'd finally back off so I could breathe and two minutes later it would escalate into full-fledge panic. So finally around 6p or so, I called my counselor and apologized for disturbing her and she was very reassuring. Especially because she knows how abandonment issues have been problematic for me in the past; and this? This whole thing of his abandonment, and how he did this, and the timing, and all that just triggered lots of other stuff that we haven't really worked on before cuz we were focusing more on current and future stuff. So, today was pretty rough, cuz I did everything right, and nothing wrong, and I never was demanding and was always supportive and accepting adn it happened anyway.
It happened anyway.
I know that sometimes the mind is so ready to move on, but the heart is still processing things. I'd rather take the time now to be with my heart til it and my mind are on the same page. Otherwise, the mind can invalidate the heart, rushing on and slapping a bandaid on this huge wound. Only later to abscess and spread poison thru-out. So even tho this is painful, I'd rather take the time and attention to scrub out all the gritty abrading so that I have a healthy wound to heal cleanly. Cuz stifling pain can cause so much more suffering.
So, hopefully tomorrow will be a tad more bearable. Please keep me in your thoughts. please.thank.you.
It happened anyway.
I know that sometimes the mind is so ready to move on, but the heart is still processing things. I'd rather take the time now to be with my heart til it and my mind are on the same page. Otherwise, the mind can invalidate the heart, rushing on and slapping a bandaid on this huge wound. Only later to abscess and spread poison thru-out. So even tho this is painful, I'd rather take the time and attention to scrub out all the gritty abrading so that I have a healthy wound to heal cleanly. Cuz stifling pain can cause so much more suffering.
So, hopefully tomorrow will be a tad more bearable. Please keep me in your thoughts. please.thank.you.
15 August 2008
Peaceful Easy Feeling
Living on the Farm like I do means there is zero light pollution; which means that stars can be seen with amazing clarity. It also means that a pair of binoculars is better than a telescope in most places. Tonight, the moon is just about in its fullest heaviness; so no stars are visible (the moon tends to reflect too much light so that stars fade in comparison). Otherwise, what they say is true.
In your darkest hour, you can see the stars.
In your darkest hour, you can see the stars.
nom.nom.slurp.nom.
Well, after a busy morning, I sauteed s'more 'shrooms and steamed some spinach and fed my gurgling belly. I'm not sure if I'm gonna grab some nappage, or what. It's been an exhausting day thus far, but potentially very fulfilling.
So what's yer plans this weekend?
So what's yer plans this weekend?
take 523. aaaaaaaaaand action!
Well, this morning could be rather pivotal to a battle that's been waged for about two and a half years with the US Dept of Edu. If indeed this meeting with my gp, my counselor, and myself yields sufficient and acceptable results; then I shall be very happy, indeed. My gp, the entire staff in that office, and most especially my counselor have been extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal.
For the past six months or so, my counselor has been the best proactive advocate for me; and the ombudsman officer has been very good. If today's actions do indeed result in positive decisions, it will be due to the two of their efforts to see this thru. After today, I should know something more definitive within the next two weeks.
Once I receive the decision from the US Dept of Edu, I will speak in clearer terms; but there is too much at stake right now. Just know that this has been one of the longest, most intricate, difficult affairs in which I've ever been involved. Even more daunting than being sued by the State of Alabama (which I won, yea for me).
Please think of me and wish me well.
For the past six months or so, my counselor has been the best proactive advocate for me; and the ombudsman officer has been very good. If today's actions do indeed result in positive decisions, it will be due to the two of their efforts to see this thru. After today, I should know something more definitive within the next two weeks.
Once I receive the decision from the US Dept of Edu, I will speak in clearer terms; but there is too much at stake right now. Just know that this has been one of the longest, most intricate, difficult affairs in which I've ever been involved. Even more daunting than being sued by the State of Alabama (which I won, yea for me).
Please think of me and wish me well.
14 August 2008
drool, slurp, droooooooool
I love cabbage. Just slightly steamed, enough to wilt some while brightening the color, is my absolute favorite way to have cabbage. yuuuuuuumm.
I also love mushrooms, freshly sauteed. uhmyum.
Mixed together? Perfect. Oh so tasty.
Just what I needed, esp after my recent odd episode of consuming less than two thousand calories in two weeks...and uhm, losing about thirty pounds, in less than three weeks. I've never been one of those twitterpated damsels that shrills, "oh i'm just so nervous, i forgot to eat"; cuz dude, I L.o.v.e food. I love eating. I love eating food. So this recent fluke?
It's soooooooooooo over.
I also love mushrooms, freshly sauteed. uhmyum.
Mixed together? Perfect. Oh so tasty.
Just what I needed, esp after my recent odd episode of consuming less than two thousand calories in two weeks...and uhm, losing about thirty pounds, in less than three weeks. I've never been one of those twitterpated damsels that shrills, "oh i'm just so nervous, i forgot to eat"; cuz dude, I L.o.v.e food. I love eating. I love eating food. So this recent fluke?
It's soooooooooooo over.
13 August 2008
the dreams, they are a'changin
I usually dream quite lucidly and remember them, or at least some element in them. Since dreams are usually a reflection of what your mind is trying to sort and sift thru for that day or time period, I usually don't get all freaked about them. Usually.
Think of REM sleep as providing your brain with an arena in which your thoughts (overt and covert) are filed to reflect your perspective of the world and its events. It's important for us to make sense of chaos so that we know our own positions. Well, those are some of my thoughts about the thinking and dreaming process.
I do have lots of very vivid dreams which tend to cause me some anxiety, in my sleep, as I am dreaming them. Once awake and able to focus, I realize that while there wasn't anything objectively in the dream that was likely to trip triggers; subjectively, there obviously were triggers tripping everywhere.
dane.jer.will.robin.son.dane.jer.
Sometimes, I have some pretty damn funny aspects in those dreams that cause the most anxiety for me. In fact, I'm thinking that part of the anxiety is due to my seeming inability to make sense of those oddities my own mind is presenting rather insistently in the from of disturbing dreams. Most dreams I do recall are not violent, tho that would make sense at times. Mostly, puzzling elements linger.
For example, last week, I dreamed that there was a very long line of adults with trays in a cafeteria setting. We were all taking buckets of chicken and placing them in the center of our trays, in a marked circle's outline. Then we moved along and filled the rest of our tray with mashed potatoes and green beans. The chicken buckets were yellow and there was cursive script that proclaimed that this bucket held "Kentucky Fried Chicken LIGHT!"
It was quite amusing on many levels when I awoke. But dude, imagine my poor dreaming self trying to make sense of buckets of "Light" fried chicken! And since I've not eaten Kentucky fried chicken in uhm uhhh probably a good twenty years, I can only surmise it was the damn television commercials pushing product.
Light fried chicken. In.deed.
Think of REM sleep as providing your brain with an arena in which your thoughts (overt and covert) are filed to reflect your perspective of the world and its events. It's important for us to make sense of chaos so that we know our own positions. Well, those are some of my thoughts about the thinking and dreaming process.
I do have lots of very vivid dreams which tend to cause me some anxiety, in my sleep, as I am dreaming them. Once awake and able to focus, I realize that while there wasn't anything objectively in the dream that was likely to trip triggers; subjectively, there obviously were triggers tripping everywhere.
dane.jer.will.robin.son.dane.jer.
Sometimes, I have some pretty damn funny aspects in those dreams that cause the most anxiety for me. In fact, I'm thinking that part of the anxiety is due to my seeming inability to make sense of those oddities my own mind is presenting rather insistently in the from of disturbing dreams. Most dreams I do recall are not violent, tho that would make sense at times. Mostly, puzzling elements linger.
For example, last week, I dreamed that there was a very long line of adults with trays in a cafeteria setting. We were all taking buckets of chicken and placing them in the center of our trays, in a marked circle's outline. Then we moved along and filled the rest of our tray with mashed potatoes and green beans. The chicken buckets were yellow and there was cursive script that proclaimed that this bucket held "Kentucky Fried Chicken LIGHT!"
It was quite amusing on many levels when I awoke. But dude, imagine my poor dreaming self trying to make sense of buckets of "Light" fried chicken! And since I've not eaten Kentucky fried chicken in uhm uhhh probably a good twenty years, I can only surmise it was the damn television commercials pushing product.
Light fried chicken. In.deed.
12 August 2008
Gotta love it!
11 August 2008
speaking of fruit...
dudes, this is but one of a series of pictures featuring food and mini-figure! check it!
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