I was thinking about feelings earlier. Actually, I was thinking about my lack of emotions. I am very sensitive in some ways. But I don't seem to experience a broad range of emotions as most folks appear to.
But I know fear. I am acquainted with many brands of fear. Fear is not rational.
It is, however, rational to feel fear. Fear of dangerous sorts of
things allow us to dump into flight or fight mode. We cannot
survive without a healthy dose of fear.
Some of us feel a disproportionate amount of fear toward what might not
seem to warrant it. For example, I fear harm to my non-existent
children. How can this be possible, you might ask.
Well, I have no children. One of the reasons I have no children
is because for most of my adulthood, I feared that I would be an awful
parent. I fear that I would somehow warp my offspring so badly
that they would need counseling, therapy, and quite possibly drugs in
order to cope with their own lives.
I know no one is a perfect parent. I KNOW that. But there
is a difference between KNOWING and believing. I have not yet
allowed that knowledge to inform my beliefs that I might be a good
Instead, I have this terrifying, hugely overwhelming fear that I would
be an irreparable harm to my non-existent children. It would be
laughable if it weren't so damn scary. Isn't it pathetic?