30 November 2005

Fear of harm to non-existent children

I was thinking about feelings earlier.  Actually, I was thinking about my lack of emotions.  I am very sensitive in some ways.  But I don't seem to experience a broad range of emotions as most folks appear to.

But I know fear.  I am acquainted with many brands of fear.  Fear is not rational.

It is, however, rational to feel fear.  Fear of dangerous sorts of things allow us to dump into flight or fight mode.  We cannot survive without a healthy dose of fear.

Some of us feel a disproportionate amount of fear toward what might not seem to warrant it.  For example, I fear harm to my non-existent children.  How can this be possible, you might ask.

Well, I have no children.  One of the reasons I have no children is because for most of my adulthood, I feared that I would be an awful parent.  I fear that I would somehow warp my offspring so badly that they would need counseling, therapy, and quite possibly drugs in order to cope with their own lives.

I know no one is a perfect parent.  I KNOW that.  But there is a difference between KNOWING and believing.  I have not yet allowed that knowledge to inform my beliefs that I might be a good parent.

Instead, I have this terrifying, hugely overwhelming fear that I would be an irreparable harm to my non-existent children.  It would be laughable if it weren't so damn scary.  Isn't it pathetic?


  1. There are countless bromides dealing directly or tangentially with this subject, but we won't insult you by quoting them. Seek peace if you can.
    Bon & Mal

  2. hang in there....... I tried so hard to be a good parent, and in the end, having to leave, I feel like I have un-done any good I did.
    Hugs your way.


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