07 June 2015
Six months later
So, yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine on the phone and started to cry, telling her that I don't think I'm doing all that great. She disagreed, telling me that she thinks that I've been handling things remarkably well. She went on to say lots of other reassuring things, that I needed to hear at the moment.
Mom never wanted to be a bother, she wanted me to keep living my life, not to allow her to interrupt things for me. And I tried to honor that, and kept in mind all those things that people advise, like not to make any huge changes or decisions while grieving. And so I shouldered on, and did those things that I'd already committed to, that I already planned, that I felt I needed to address because they were things that needed to be done for other folks, or because I should do them, because I should, that was reason enough.
Then I thought that perhaps I was using those commitments as a delaying tactic so that I wouldn't
But then last week, I realized that none of that time is for me, really. It's all family stuff. And it's all on the go, Go, GO. And now that I am starting to decompress, I'm plunging, I'm more and more tired and exhausted and sore.
I'm so conflicted, internally. Because I don't seem to be doing a good job with easing back on involvement, without taking on more commitments and wanting to do the best that I can do, to excel on those commitments. But I dread them, and they are no longer fun, if ever they were in the first place. Just because I can do something and do it well, doesn't necessarily mean that I should or even that I truly want to. Yet I want to do them, because I've committed to them and I so don't want to disappoint others.
I can't seem to find that balance of moderation, that midrange that is a healthy place to be. I go from one extreme of doing all I can do, and then taking on more, to the other extreme of wanting to chuck it all so that I can draw a clear line of delineation. And even now, I think, "aren't others sick and tired of hearing me whine?"