19 June 2015

Just Sayin'

I'm not always the easiest person to get along with {*gasp*, no! really?} and at times can be persnickety as all get out.  Usually that happens when I am feeling out of control and so feel the need to regain or maintain what control there is, by grousing over the seemingly trivial things.  To me, at that moment, those are big things, very important, and they matter.  To others, especially those who do not know me personally, those trivial things are just that, small and inconsequential to the big overall picture of forests and trees.  I'm down there spazzing over the leaves and roots, and others are all, "chill, woman, those pine needles will be fine!"

On the other hand, there are lots of times when I'm way over on the other end of the spectrum, with huge grandiose sweeping visions of possibilities with very little idea of how to break that down into actual plans for making that happen.  At those moments, I'm all, "thousands of acres of national parks with paths and camping and intentional instruction of the natural plants around them...whadja mean, THE forest?  I'm talking thousands upon thousands of acres..."

Mostly I live in the midlands, in more moderate conditions of, "yup there's a forest of all sorts of trees there, and here's another forest of all sorts of trees, maybe there is a way to make these forests more productive or hey here's an idea, maybe we should just leave the forests alone and appreciate them for what they are".

Believe it.  Or not.  Up to you.  But sometimes  being capable of seeing all the various perspectives is not nearly as beneficial as you might think.  Sometimes seeing all those perspectives, with the pros and the cons and the yeas and the nays, can be overwhelming and can actually almost become paralyzing.

And then I'm not good to anyone because I cannot even be good for myself.  The possibilities are mind~blowing and not necessarily in a good way.  My mind has taken a few too many blows over the years and while the occasional stretch is a good thing, allowing me to build new ideas as I reassemble my blown mind into a fully functioning model; somewhere along the way, resiliency is lost and understanding and seeing everything no longer feels fun and freeing.  Instead, it feels overwhelming and threatening, it feels terrifying and frustrating.  It can swallow me whole and leave behind blown mind~bits that might have been useful at one point but are now odds and ends that I can't find, but sorely need.

This is why the recreational drug escape route that so many flock to with zest and zeal because it helps them to expand has never really been my thing.  I worked too hard to get where I am, which is right here, now, in the moment, with some plans for the future and some familiarity of the past.  It's too hard for me to keep balanced in the here and now to actively seek another mind~blowing experience of which I don't retain some control.  I've fought hard to maintain a balance or moderate range within my life, to go upsetting that apple cart to get to the grapefruit.

So when folks ask me why I take the medication I do, my reply is that the meds I take keep me here and functioning, for the most part.  Because I can only speak for me and my experiences, I can tell you that I hesitate to disturb the fine balance we've achieved to introduce an alternative to what I already have established.  My resiliency is not great anymore, and knowing that about myself makes me less inclined to be adventuresome in very many ways now.  I'm spinning and balancing too many full plates of different sizes and some will fall and shatter.  So it's a matter of choosing which are worth the energy it takes to focus on maintaining.

Sometimes I walk the line, other times I sit on the cliff; but usually, I'm dancing to my own drummer in the forest of pines.


  1. AWESOME! ! ! If only everyone could understand themselves as well as you do. Everything for a reason and a reason for everything. Again, Awesome!

  2. AWESOME! ! ! If only everyone could understand themselves as well as you do. Everything for a reason and a reason for everything. Again, Awesome!


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