d'uhm, debbie, d'uhm

I lifted this from over here, from the toon~dude. I didn't think he'd mind all that much. And it captures perfectly my state of mind for the past two weeks.

I normally take a handful of meds, with each having a significant impact on my functioning for the day. Since I don't have a thyroid, I depend on synthroid {or levoxyl}~~the synthetic equivalent of what your thyroid produces to metabolize every single cell in your body. I take a fairly high dose, cuz uhm, no thyroid means that my body doesn't produce at all. So my hypothalamus and pituitary demand more production, and hypothetically, the regular intake of the drug fools my body into thinking, yea! it's here, all's good and right and we can move on. So when I don't have the medication, my body does all kinds of panicky things like move into the starvation mode, which means that I am constantly hungry and yet sluggish.

Then too, there are the mood~stabilizer, the anti~depressant, the anti~convulsant, the anti~anxiety, and the anti~histamine which are completely absent from the picture at this moment and for the last two weeks. I've not been without for years, not to this extent. So the over~all effect of my being sans drugs has not been pretty. It isn't just the absence, but the actual withdrawal from the meds to take into account too.

Now, why oh why would I do this? Well it wasn't the smartest move on my part. I should have heeded the internal overwhelming feeling that I had that said, "ya know, debra, the gov'mnt might not be deserving of your trust at this point, just stick to your current med~plan of methodically filling your prescriptions in two different locations, even tho it's a pain in the butt and the military keeps pushing the much lauded oh so wonderfully promising home~delivery of regularly taken meds refilled automatically and with great ease!

For the better part of six months, I've been loath to trust the home~delivery option that is said to be so much easier, convinient, and cheaper...it was a vague feeling of impending doom. SO I got all uber~rational and logical and reasoned with myself to give it a try. Every time I'd fill a script at the local pharmacy and/or on base {air force, thirty miles from here}, I'd receive the in~person urging, then a mail reminder, and also a phone call...all saying, "c'mon, give our express scripts a try!!"

So I finally did. A few weeks ago, I called the military number for the home~delivery of 'scripted meds and got all set up. They assured me several times that they'd take care of contacting my doc and getting all the pertainent info and then this first time would take longer, but they'd get it all taken care of and then, why, then I'd see just how simple it is to use them! Just trust them, relax, and let them do their job.

Right. Shoulda woulda coulda listened to my own damn silly self. sigh.

but didn't, and it's my own damn fault.

long ramble somewhat shorter, what happened was a colossal fuck~up in which I've run out of all of my meds while waiting for them to do their thing. And I'd left more than twice the amount of time that they'd suggested, so I thought I had plenty of meds to take until they got their shit together and did the initial processing which is said to take longer than their normal time, subsequently.

And I cannot get any of my meds filled locally, because the military med insurance shows that there is currently an order in process; so they can't fill even a two week supply til they get their shit straight.

So the other day, they finally notify me via eMail {and also I've been checking the online site that allows me to see what's in progress} that one of my meds has been filled and is on its way! Great. ONE.

Then yesterday, my doctor's office calls me, very concerned, because she's been my doc for years now and is very familiar with my meds and all. The doctor's office received a fax from the military "express" scripts that no one in the office can read, but that they were worried about because they were aware that something wasn't right. So the doc asks me what's up and I all but burst into tears. My doc's the best, for me, and she took care of this personally~~no nurse calling me to find out what's what {altho I like Jaynie's entire staff, except for one of the receptionists, but since there are a few others, I seldom deal with her}.

So the crux of the matter is that the doc's office faxed back all the information that they'd sent a month ago, and so this morning, I got a note in eMail from the military express~script place saying that hey, great news for me, they've received another order and are gonna get right on that! Which means that in another two weeks, I should have all my meds and then in another few weeks from that, I should be back to ... normal...?

If I could, I'd cancel the entire thing. And go back to getting all the meds locally. Even tho the military is insisting that it'd be so much better to let them take care of it. Oh! and the reason that I couldn't get all my stuff from the air~force base thirty miles away? Their in~house pharmacy doesn't care two of my meds. Yet, they penalize me from using my local pharmacy that's been filling my stuff for years prior to my marriage and me getting my husband's medical insurance.

I'm trying to keep in mind that my negative mindset, the one that says, "oh debra, it's just this initial thing. once it all gets in the system, you'll love it, just like they say you will. IN A PIG'S ASS!" that negative mindset that is feeling full of gloom and doom and feeling a huge set~back that goes back to the onset of the needs for all these meds...that negative hopeless helpless mindset is sure that the "express~script home~delivery" will never work right and will constantly be an uphill battle and that I should just abandon ship and go back to the way I was doing things to start with except now my brain is all fucked~up and I can't think clearly enough to be able to cut thru all the red tape and bullshit and do what's right for me.

My Jerry has been wonderfully supportive during all this. Much more than I can express here. He's taking care of so much shit for me in these past few weeks, much more than he usually has to put up with. And soothing me when I get frustrated cuz I can't think, or I can't remember, or I can't explain, or I am too tired, or I can't sleep, or I burst into tears or & or & or & or...

So a big huge thanks to him, my love.

And I hope that in June, I'll be back to my witty {snort} self here in posts and able to say what i mean clearly and consicely; instead of rambling nonsense that exhausts me.