I'm not talking about fear due to a dangerous situation, such as abuse~~that fear is a good thing because it is designed to save us from being in that sort of situation in the first place or helping us to sharpen our wits so that we can either flee, stop, or prevent the danger . Fear can be a survival tool, alerting us to those threatening elements that might cause harm.
However, that is not the fear that I'm focusing on here. I'm talking about that fear of judgement that prevents us from being true to ourselves, allowing our authentic selves to be expressed and seen. Fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of shame, fear of thinking we simply are not good enough. This fear can allow us to deny ourselves, causing us to be deeply ashamed of some aspect of ourselves. Some part that ourselves is afraid that if we reveal it, others will judge us and we will not be accepted or loved~~so we shun that aspect, we might even loath that about ourselves. This fear is also trying to protect us from being emotionally hurt thru rejection. This fear can prevent us from expressing our opinions, our preferences, our needs, our desires, our thoughts, our feelings, and so on and so forth. This type of fear can cause us to judge our own selves harshly, can cause us to stifle our own thoughts, can develop into significant problems as we experience inner conflict, confusion, anxiety, and all the physical sorts of sensations that the other type of fear triggers too, such as palpitations, trembling, sweating, pupil dilation or contraction, difficulty breathing, paling or flushing of skin, nerves tingling, and so forth. Our minds and bodies react to fear as fear, not differentiating between situations and whether this fear is a good thing because there is real danger present or fear that may be further harming ourselves, preventing us from being our wholehearted selves and perhaps experiencing something wonderful because we are allowing our true selves to be seen, putting ourselves out there. Being vulnerable to the risk of rejection by being our honest true authentic selves is a huge deal.
Why is that important? How can that be a good thing? Why risk the danger that we might be judged, that we might be rejected, that we might be ridiculed, that we might be found to be less than perfect and flawed?
Well, peace of mind is essential. Inner conflict that can arise due to fear of exposure and shame can cause anxiety, which then triggers more fear, which places incredible amounts of stress on our physical system and our mental well being, as our mind and body interprets that as danger and we are in a constant fight/flight/freeze survival mode. We need time to fully recover from those intense reactions that cause spikes in blood pressure as our system shifts the flow of blood from our organs to our muscles, tensing them, which can cause spasms that can develop into more severe physical trauma and damage that is harder to address the more often this occurs~~the longer we stay in this state, the more harm we do to ourselves.
So in the effort to prevent rejection from others that will cause hurt and shame, we are then inflicting enormous amounts of pressure on ourselves, resulting in harming our own minds and bodies. This vicious cycle can become a way of life, as we hurt ourselves more and more in the effort to be accepted and loved by others, who we fear might reject us and not be supportive, loving, and caring of us. We are rejecting our own selves because we fear others' rejection. We become more disconnected from our own selves, thrusting ourselves into turmoil, inner conflict, anxiety, depression, and other harmful manifestations to our own well being. As the chaos within seeks release and relief, we might feed addictions, lash out at others, creating outer conditions to match our inner conditions which may have already been a result of some outer condition. So the cycle goes and grows.
So what do we do? How can we either slow this down, stop this, and be better to ourselves and others? The key is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to be curious about our own inner thoughts, feelings, and reactions~~to feel the fear and examine it, to lean into that fear, walk into it, to sit down with it, to give ourselves the time and safe space to look at the fear directly to see what is at the heart of it, why are we experiencing this dread, this fear, this overwhelming choking sensation that is catapulting us into frantic frenetic reaction to avoid this fear, to make this fear go away? And yet, that doesn't seem to work, the fear grows and grows and we become more and more avoidant, trying to deny that fear of our own selves, to cut that piece down or out, to shun it, to scream it into submission as it grows and grows and grows, til we fear the fear that might swallow us whole.
Once we can examine that fear tho, we might begin to heal, to diffuse the fear, finding it is manageable and not nearly as terrible as we once had thought. We might learn some valuable things about ourselves and begin to express those aspects, braving rejection that might not actually be present and if it is, do we really need or want to be around those that cannot not and do not accept us for ourselves? If we can feel the fear, be brave enough to look at ourselves, be vulnerable enough to allow others to see ourselves, risking their judgement, we might find that they accept us, embrace us, love us. Or not. Their rejection might hurt, it might disappoint, it might mean that we have to realize that they are not supportive of us in that way and that perhaps we will want to find others who are supportive, who do love us for us, just as we are. But that hurt that results from others' rejection is probably going to be way less harmful than the hurt we are already inflicting on ourselves while we are squashing our own selves in the effort to fit in where we don't thrive, flourish, are accepted with all our quirks and perks, and belong.
Yesterday, I was incredibly vulnerable, time after time, in various circumstances, as I faced my own fears and encountered some rejections, yes, but way more acceptances. As I received others' praise and accolades, I felt loved and validated; but even more importantly, I felt the satisfaction of my own self expression. A certain calmness bloomed within and I clicked into place, coming home to myself in a more complete way that allowed me to breathe deeper and more freely than I have in about a month or so. I felt my inner turmoil quiet and dissipate as I'd reached some resolutions for my own self. As I bravely risked rejection by allowing my vulnerable self to be present, to be seen, I also found acceptance, true belonging, and love within myself, for myself, and because of myself. The acceptance and love from others? It's great too, yes; but it was like the icing on the cake of my own deliciousness.
Being brave and having the courage to be vulnerable doesn't always manifest in such huge momentous ways. Sometimes, I feel vulnerable just expressing a different opinion than the group consensus. Sometimes the discomfort of expressing a boundary instead of allowing it to be violated can feel incredibly dangerous, as I am risking that the other person may grow angry, rejecting me in that moment. This can be a minor but still important things, such as seeing to my own self care rather than seeing to someone else's. But I do it anyway, because if the matter causes inner conflict, than it is important enough of a matter to pay attention to and examine. My own healthy well being and peaceful state of mind is worth my attention, worth my acceptance, worth my showing up and being present, worth my vulnerability, worth my brave courage, worth my own self care in the face of others' judgement and possible rejection, worth my own support and full acceptance, and worth my own love~~because I will always be there for me, even if it takes awhile for me to show up for my own self because I was too scared to risk vulnerability, eventually, I am here for me, and that's essential and worthwhile.
Aren't you also worthy?
