Repost from Tuesday 17 May 2005

Madame Marie Curie

**In the post ten plus years, I've grown and changed, lots.  Who hasn't?  Sometimes, especially when I feel discouraged about feeling off, tired, or just being too critical; it helps to remember how far I have come, in oh so many ways.  The disorder I refer to here is Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  It can be a paralyzing disorder that can affect a person's daily functioning to such a degree that they are unable to cope well with what others might consider mundane and trivial stuff...such as the phone ringing.  So this excerpt below is from ten years ago, I've come a long way, baby.


Yesterday, I felt myself sinking into a funk.  I called one of my friends and we chatted for a few minutes.  Then she asked how I was.  All of a sudden, a wave crashed over me, sucking me under and I choked on my tears.

It was awful.  I managed to eek out that I was not ok.  I wanted to get off the phone as fast as I could.  Not because I did not trust my friend to see inside me, but because the utter despair left me bewildered and I had no real reason to pin-point as the cause.

Guess what?  The beauty of this disorder is that sometimes, you don't need a specific trigger.  Sometimes chemical levels change, sometimes receptors work, sometimes synapses misfire, and sometimes, just sometimes, there doesn't have to be A REASON.  If you feel like crap, you still feel like crap even if you can determine the cause.  The good part about finding the underlying root for that specific episode, is so that you might be able to counter it more effectively.

I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow.  Maybe she can help.  This is too exhausting for me to handle anymore.