Too Muchness

I did a great disservice to myself and others this past weekend.  Thankfully, it only took me several days to catch on, recognize it, acknowledge it, and apologize.  That's if you look at it one way.  On the other hand, it took me forty some years to reach this particular AHA! moment; but, I did get it and now that I have it, I will be able to work with myself to better understand so I don't completely panic in my anxiety and go to the extreme of assuming worst case scenarios.

Let me explain...

I was fretting about being too much, too quickly, too intense, too demanding, too expressive with all my too muchness.  This caused me to be too clingy, too much in need of reassurance, too fretful, and too stuck in my head with all my self doubts about being too much.  It was a vicious cycle of anxiety that was consuming me and then, I had some moments of clarity when I was writing to a dear friend who knows me oh so very well, for oh so very long.

Writing is a form of thinking for me, I've said this often here in my blog; but it has been awhile since I posted, so I thought I'd say it again.  Writing allows me to hash things out, sort the concepts, put them into words that take on a more concrete form that adds definition and then those nebulous vague matters become less intimidating and more reasonable, more manageable, more approachable.  I can tease apart the various threads, examine the strands, and allow them to make sense to me.  Sometimes, this leads to AHA! NOW I see, NOW I get it.  Let me sit with that awhile and let it soak in, so that I really understand it thoroughly.  AHA!

So I started the letter off with my usual inquiries into their current state of mind and being, moving on to address my own.  I said something like, "I'm great for the most part.  The other part of me is mostly good.  A small sliver of that is full of self doubt because I worry about being too much, that I may have been too overwhelming."

That started me off then exploring that set of thoughts, realizing that when I hold myself back, censoring myself for fear that I am too much and might alienate the other person, fearing their rejection which would lead to me feeling hurt and sad...well, when I hold myself back, thinking I am too much, I am not being myself.  I am shaming a part of me into being silent and unseen.  I'm disconnecting myself from accepting and loving myself as I am.  I am denying myself the chance to be the real, authentic, true me.

AND I am not allowing the other person to see the real me.  I am not allowing them to see my authentic self, my true self.  I am also assuming that they cannot handle me in all my too muchness, in all my glory and intensity.  I am not giving them the freedom to make up their own minds and decide whatever they want to.  Instead I am taking that opportunity away from them and deciding for them how they might think or feel.

That's not respectful of them, it's not respectful of me.  It actually is hurtful to us both.  So I'll be me, maybe I might be a tad worried about being vulnerable and allowing the other person to see/judge/reject the real me; but that's the worst case scenario.  They might see me, and accept me, maybe even groove on that aspect of me that I previously thought was too much to allow to be seen.

If they do reject me, it might hurt, yes.  I might be disappointed, true.  I might feel sad for a bit.  But I will have been me.  I will have shown up and allowed myself to be seen.  I will know that I have been my true self.  I will still be me, still have me.  And ya know, there are lots of folks in my life who love me in all my muchness, as I am, right this minute.

So, in the effort to curb my too muchness for fear of rejection, I may have actually brought that about with my then need for reassurance that I was not too much.  See?  What a cycle of self fulfilling prophecy!  It's a bit of self~sabotage that almost crept by me.

It's one thing if the person said, "ya know, I need a lil more space, give me some time, could we slow down and allow me to breathe, to process this, a lil of you goes a long way".  That, I can totally respect and at that point I know how they feel because they have told me; instead of me guessing or assuming that that is how they feel.  If they express something like that, then I can make adjustments if I choose to do so.  That'd be respectful of them and me, both.

It's another thing if I just assume that I am going to bowl them over and lay them flat because I think I may be too much.  That's not allowing me to be me, and it's not allowing them to decide for themselves.  It's not allowing them to know the real me.

Besides, they may like that aspect of me.  Some folks do.

In fact, some folks love that muchness of me, support, encourage, and cheer me on in letting my shine blaze brighter.

"...cuz baby, you just can't dim the sun"