create.tiv.it.tee; yup, that's me!

Every now and then, I go thru my files of papers and clear things out.  Cuz I don't need six years of electric receipts and proof of payment for my insurance.  It's sorta fun, digging around and rediscovering stuff.  Generally, I am mindful and know when I am reaching my limit of nostalgic doses when pawing thru academic records, class notes, and such.  So, it's not all that unusual for me to put stuff away again after throwing out a few bags, dusting my hands, and turning my mind away from those mementos.

But, I thought that since I have this handy-dandy flash drive and I also have lots of writings from the past in paper form only; that I oughta electronically archive some of the stuff that I like that I've written.  There are short stories, some story notes, some poems, some songs; ya know, my words and thoughts from years gone by.  In some ways, I can see my development from who I was then to who I am now; and for the most part, I'm proud of that.

There are, however, those writings that still blow me away and evoke so many powerful feelings; as tho called forth from the pit of my stomach and leaving me astounded that damn, I wrote that.  Some of it is better than twenty years old, some about ten.  But I've few writings recently of that sort; mostly when I write now, and in the recent past, it is here in my journal, thoughts and reflections and not short stories and poetry and the like.  I'm just doing what feels right at various times, and right now, poems would mystify me; I wouldn't know where to begin.  Now, I write in sentences and paragraphs and that prose feels right.  At least, it is right for now.

So here are some select poems that I just typed into a word document {shudder} from papers that are dated, yellowed, printed in dot matrix.  I'd be interested in what you have to say, if you'd care to share.  Some of the formatting is very odd, as lines are spaced differently.  Perhaps aol journals does not support word doc, or vice versa; or it could be I have not a clue {note:  i just messed around a bit, and i think it will read better cuz i got the annoying spaces out.  i hope}.  At any rate, here's a sampling for ya:

ME ~~November 87
“I want to be somebody!”
He cries, never satisfied with his life.

 “I want to be the best!”
He shouts, in frustration, not realizing
No one is the best.

“I want to be me.”
He states, too blind to see
He already is.

~~

Perfect Presentation ~~01 November 94
Merrily, merrily, and nothing more
Humming empty notes, she putzes and places,
Rearranges just so.
In her diamond jewels, stockinged legs,
Pumps and pillbox to match
She places her final touch to the arrangement.
Lip-sticked
Penciled and perfumed
A blank smile upon her frosted lips.
With one gloved index she checks the oak banister
Nodding in vague satisfaction.

She presents a smooth, dry, pale powdered cheek
For His impeccable peck and purses her own lips,
Kissing cool air.
She tucks a hand through his arm
Hugging His side into her breasts,
Squeezing him briefly
But long enough for Them to see
What a Perfect Presentation she can be.

~~

{untitled} ~~03 March 95
I wanted to grasp you head firmly in my hands,
Spread my fingers wide
Feeling the hard curve of skull and
Silky shortness of salted pepper
I wanted to straddle your thighs
Rock close and tight
So I could feel your warmth
Through denim and night
I wanted your arms ‘round me
Real solidness to anchor
My Self and thoughts
Within our Time and Being
I wanted warm breath to mingle,
Sighs to be heard,
Touches to be felt,
And tongues to taste.
Now
I want
Again.

~~

{untitled} ~~03 March 95
My tingles tangle
Thoughts mingle
And still you are here.
My speech slows
Tears flow
And still you are here.
My heart skips
Breath comes quick
And still you are here.
My voice raises
Toneless and droning
You do not cover your ears
Even as I furtively cover mine.
I wonder at you
You smile
Easy and patient.

short term gratification is not worth sacrificing the long term treasure

Dave Ramsey tells how getting out of debt and saving money is so mountainous that we might want to give up trying, thinking this is too damn hard, there is no way for me to do this, and other defeating thoughts like that.  He tells us that we might think that we deserve this extra treat, as a pick me up, cuz we've been working so hard, as a reward, etc.  He also shows how this type of thinking can set us so far back and dig us deeper into debt.  For an example, he uses this story about a single mother who is very frazzled, having a very bad day, late to pick up her kids, and when they are in the car, they begin to whine about being hungry and clamor when they see a fast-food restaurant.  The mother thinks, feeding them now for a few bucks with a happy meal will give me a break from making dinner, shut them up, and give me some down time without them getting on my nerves.  So she goes thru the drive-thru and picks up some cheap food for her kids.  The problem is that she doesn't have that money; she writes a check, knowing that she just wrote checks for the bills so there is no money in her account that is not already designated by outstanding checks.  But she thinks, I deserve this, how bad can it be?  So she writes a check for the cheap food.

Well lots of checks for bills bounce.  So she ends up paying overdraft charges on her account, she ends up paying bounced check fees to the companies for her bills, and pays for her bills too.  So that cheap food ended up costing her way more than she bargained, cuz what she was focused on was her immediate gratification.  She ended up sacrificing the long term treasure, or at the very least dug the hole deeper, making her journey that much harder and longer.

She did not deserve that sorta break today.

Using that same sort of way of thinking, we can see how it is applicable in so many ways to our own lives.  For instance, something fairly common is gorging on food, then hating ourselves for making it worse for us to be healthy.  A major set back that we perpetuated on ourselves time and again can lead us to be incredibly hard on ourselves.  I'm not saying we should give ourselves permission to splurge unhealthily without being accountable for our actions {omission or commission}.  But I do feel that the approach of brow beating and castigating ourselves is counter-productive and just as {if not more} harmful as the behavior for which we are chiding ourselves.

There is nothing saying that we must be the same as we were and that we have no choice and must go on committing harmful acts {to ourselves and/or others}.  We can help ourselves so that we don't dig ourselves deeper and further from our desired goals.  Sometimes in helping ourselves, we need to ask others for help, support, encouragement, and understanding.  Cuz we rarely can do all the work ourselves.

Ya know, getting by with a little help from your friends is sometimes the only way you can get by.

special delivery from asshole central

regarding some power-tripping supervisors/middle-managers and such, they seem to return to asshole central each night and brings back new and fresh ways to affirm that, yes, they really are asses.  fortunately, i don't really deal with as many of these delightful people as most folks do; i don't work and limit my own exposure to this breed as much as possible.  but sometimes, i can't avoid the fit that hits the shan; even with my best evasively maneuvering tactics up to par.

so that means that when i am splattered, i am usually caught off guard and my brain stutters for a moment while my mouth may spew forth protestations.  granted this happens seldom, but boy when it happens, it seems like it's extra noteworthy.  as a consequence, i think that my sensitivity comes across as drama; and the more i try to hold back, the more damage it seems to do.  this is such that when it comes out, it all comes out in an explosive seemingly disproportionate geyser that becomes a destructive torrent; sweeping all in its path off their feet, startling them into flight.  and then i think, wow, that was...was...like a...special delivery from asshole central.  blink.blink  {gasp}  was that me?

we wear short shorts

my shorts that i bought two weeks ago have gotten rather baggy.  i noticed a few days ago i was readjusting the waistband every now and then.  to be honest, i thought they just stretched some and needed to be laundered.  ya know how it is when you wear something for too long, it gets all outta shape.

so i washed them this morning, and put them on, and left the house.  now you might ask why debra are you wearing this pair of shorts and i would answer, it's damn hot in august in mississippi (hence shorts) and these are the only pair of shorts i have.  but you didn't ask, so let's move on, shall we?

within half an hour of my wearing The Shorts, i was doubly glad that i was wearing a long t-shirt.  cuz the waistband had become a hipband.  and then, The Shorts began their slow strip tease from my body.  i was mindful of this, esp as i was hurrying along with my arms full and unable to spare a hand to hoist them into place.

so, i sat down with a needle and thread this afternoon.  i tucked and stitched and tugged and restitched and tried them on, and they fit way better.  except now, while my waistband is a bit more fitting, The Shorts legs are even more flared so that they seem ever shorter than before.

actually they look cute, it's just, i'm sorta struck by it all.  so how much did i take them in?  well, the waistband is now four inches smaller, and still a bit loose (which is fine, really, at least they are not shifting down my hips, in a lewd parody of thug-wear).

4"    wow   grins and spins

i may need to just buy a new pair.  next month, when i have some funds to do so.  til then, The Shorts will do.

settling in for the evening

gifts for me!  a friend of mine brought me some tea!  earl grey!  decaffeinated!  tea for me!

and envelopes!  business sized!  with peel-away grip-seal!  for me!

and bestest of all!  a flash drive!  with an uberkewl case!  for me!

i've never had a flash drive and i'm so excited; so that's what i'll be doing tonight, drinking earl grey while copying files to the flash drive.  ahhhhhhhh, so sweet.  sigh.

busy update

Today, I ran some errands.  I went to see my counselor, who is going on maternity leave starting next week.  It was a very good session, no loss of control, no tears, and a minimum of pain in a safe place.  Excellent.

Then I went to a few other places before I stopped by to see a close friend who loves my haircut and kept saying at random times throughout our visit that it was too cute and suited me.  I know that, but it makes me feel good when someone gives me sincere compliments. 

Then I stopped by to see a friend who gave me some very unexpected news.  He did measurements on me cuz it's been awhile since he last saw me, and he's a fitness instructor and/or personal-trainer (i can't remember his exact title).  He noticed that I kept tugging up my waist band; these are shorts I bought two weeks ago (first shorts i've boughten in years and years).  So he asked lots of questions to make sure I'm taking care of me and not being unhealthy/harmful to myself.

See, I've never been a self-mutilator, cutting on myself, or whatnot.  I've never allowed any addictions to take control.  I do love food, and am overweight, but I don't gorge and I don't binge and purge,etc.  I'm very mindful of taking care of me cuz I respect myself and love me.  If I feel like I might even been on the edge of danger, I correct.  I do lots of self-monitoring cuz if I don't, my mania gets the best of me.  Let alone any other harmful behaviors or health issues.  So I'm ok, not in danger of being in danger.

I said all that so that you don't think, danger.will. robin.son.danger.  Cuz I'm fine with fluids, meds, sleep, exercise, etc.  k?

Last time I was to the gp, I weighed about *215*.  Now, I weigh less than 195.  I don't intend to keep up that rapid weight loss.  I don't intend to gain any of it back tho.  He said that for my size, body frame, height, and all, that a minimum ideal weight for me at this time would be about 150.

Now, I gotta go sew a few darts into my brand new shorts.  And no, I can't take them back.  I accidentally bleached them.  See youse later.

author's note:  {*215* the picture in the left "about me" bar shows me at the spring equinox '08, about eighteen weeks ago; i was 215 then.  i stayed right around that weight til about a week ago, when i went to the gp regarding an unrelated matter}

brush yer teef

  found at 25 Ways to Improve Your Health.  Check it!

I have toothbrushes and toothpaste stashed everywhere so that I can use them whenever and wherever I get the urge to have that very clean, very fresh feeling.  Ya know, in my mouth (not that other fresh feeling with women running across fields of daisies and mothers advising their daughters about douches and other feminine products.  shudder).  I just wished that other people had the urge to have clean teeth, fresher breathe, etc. more often.  {shudder.shudder}

ooooooooooo, kentcha smell thet smell?

{i'm feeling lots better this morning, i know that some rough patches are ahead, but i'm hoping i can handle them better than yesterday; but ya know, even if i don't, that'd be ok, cuz i'll get thru it and be alright}

I decided to wash my sheets and some other clothes this morning and I must have been very fascinated with something in the washer cuz I think I dumped half a bottle of bleach in there.  I love bleach, but not that much.  I may need to run an extra rinse or something.  we'll see.

So, now the fumes are very pervasive and even with the back half off the place closed off somewhat; the bleach fumes are permeating every molecule of air that I breathe.  Good thing that I'll be gone for most of the day and the fumes will have time to dissipate a bit.  Cuz dudes, that smell?  Ought to be saturating this entry!  Can't you smell that smell?

dancing trees

i'm feeling better.  my periods of panic overwhelm me and then all i can see is how the deceptive past five years, the painful present, and my empty dreams of the future are in shambles.  when i think that my life will continue in my way, here in my place on the farm, i feel so much more secure.  but a small thing comes along and freaks me with threatening my tenacious grip; then i crumble and dissolve all over again.  i know that these are bad moments that will pass.  but it started this morning, and escalated all morning and then pushed me over the edge this afternoon.  but, i'm feeling better.  i will have better times for longer, more frequently.  there will also be some awful moments tossed in too.  i lost sight of that today, even tho i KNOW it, my emotions and feelings and thoughts overpowered my knowledge.  it may happen again, but hopefully, i am sorta prepared for it and it won't blindside me.

i wanted to show you two pix that i like.  i love trees, and figures in trees really speak to me.  they are graceful and beautiful, even with their scars and flaws.  they are strong, survive storms, even when they are tossed to and fro.  they are flexible without being insubstantial.  sometimes, i am like them.  here they are:

    

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_2

losing it all

i can't do this.

i know i will.

but i feel so utterly defeated.

the shit just heaps higher and higher.

my landlords, who are the best i've ever had, are thinking about tearing down my trailer since it is almost forty years old and requires so much work.  see, i had told them in the spring of the year that i would only be living here til next fall.  cuz that's what i thought.  i thought that his love was meaningful and sincere and that when he said that he wanted to marry me and all that next fall, i trusted him.  in august 2009 he is to return to mississippi and we were to buy a house next fall.

so ok, that's not gonna happen for so many different reasons.   and so the plan that my home here would only be til next fall is null and void.  no longer exists.  and now, my home might not be mine either for much longer.  understand this is not mean on my landlords' parts.  they really thought that the trailer would be destroyed next fall, after serving as my home for this next year.  now, it makes no sense to repair things, do major work, continue to pour money into it when it is not gonna just get me thru the next year.

i was ok with it yesterday.  but this afternoon, i realized that i can't do this.  i'm not strong enough to cope with all this.  i'm not gonna do anything foolish like hurt or eliminate myself, or anyone else.  it's just...i can't even have the security of my home.  i can't even put this horrid thing behind me cuz it affects my everything.

i can't do this.

parts is parts is parts

I often want to remove my parts.  Like when my eyes are very irritated, I want to pop them out and rinse them in saline.  Same for my lungs, when I can't breathe due to mold or allergies, I want to removed them (preferably whole, but with a spoon if needs be) and soak them in saline.

When I have cramps, I want to remove my uterus.  I'd put it back in, a few days later.  But just for the time, I'd like to set it up on the bookshelf.

If I have a very bad headache, I want to remove my skull to give my brain room to expand and relax.  Cuz it's cramped in my head.  Just not enough space for all it contains.

Today, I'd like to remove my stomach, cuz it's clenched tight.  Or maybe my nerves, cuz they are buzzing.  Or drain my blood and replace it with fresh blood that is not boiling.

Or wait, can I just remove that portion of mind that is me and air it out?  I'd put all my pieces and parts back together again, eventually.  I just don't want to be me right now.

not mine, but it's an intimate visitor

  this hellish dreaded pain constricting me knocks me so low; i cannot stand beneath it, cannot breathe, cannot bear this.

i've been having a rough morning.  getting rougher with the passing hours.  and i've been doing all i can.  but it is weighing heavier, and the effort is too much.

intellectually i KNOW that this is not forever, that i will and am getting thru this.  but that knowledge is not informing my feelings, which are just so devastating and getting worse all morning.  i hate this.  i hate to be talking about it.  i hate dealing with this.

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

arizen

I may be going to see the breastest doc again soon.  There are two lumps that have become more noticeable in the past few days.  I know they are not cancer, but fluid filled cysts.  Rather benign, just somewhat tender at this stage.  If they become painful, it'll be time for an aspiration.  Last time the breastestest doc tapped my breast, just a few months back; he drained over a quarter cup from one cyst.  He was surprised that I was not panicked about the lump's presence, given the fear of cancer so many women have.  I told him that I've always been a lumpy-bumpy person, even as a child.  If I went running to the doc every time lumps and bumps appeared on my person, I would just schedule standing appointments!

{yawn} sleepee me {blink, blink}

With the exception of Tuesday night (well, ok, technically it was wed morning), I've been sleeping very well and have been to bed by midnight and slept solidly and then awoke by about seven or so.  Shocking.  Just shocking, I say.

Sleeping solidly is something that has not happened so I don't know when.  I usually wake up several times thru the night, even with my night time sleepee meds.  So this sleep this past week?  Very restful.

I did have a couple days in the beginning of this colossal fuck up when I woke in mid-panic attack.  But these last five days, I've woken at peace and centered, without being disoriented or fuzzy-brained.  I've been very pleasantly surprised.

I'm clear-headed and able to begin accomplishing things.  In fact there were several days in which I was raring to go before any of the businesses were open.  That hasn't happened for...years.

On that note, I'm gonna toddle of to bed.  Sleep sweet, my fine friends.

ahem, mememememe...

I very rarely do the memes that circulate amongst blogs, but I thought this would be interesting and it's very simple, so no effort on my part.  Instead, you put forth the effort.  And that'd be Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

In comments to this entry, please describe ME in one word.... Just one single word. Then paste this in your journal and see how many strange and interesting things your friends say about you.  Ya might just be surprised!

Wanna play?  Here's how:  1.  Leave one word in my comment section that you think describes me. 2. Copy and paste most of this entry into your journal. 3. Have fun!!

The Happy Yellow House: Geo

  This Geo quilt-ghan is also over there, at the Happy Yellow House.  Obviously, I visit the House often.  It's a happy, sunny place {wink}.  I'll be using a warm brown and a lighter buff for the brown/black pictured here.  Also I'll be using a variegated sandy print for the white blocks.

This quilt-ghan is designated for one of my dear loving loyal readers, so I can't say to whom this will go at this time.  Talk amongst yourselves {grin}.  I will share when the quilt-ghan is sent out and received by the surprised friend who has been helping me thru all this so very much, I really appreciate you.

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The Happy Yellow House: Woven Quilt-Ghan

  This quilt-ghan is also featured at the Happy Yellow House.  I will be using soft navy and country blue for the medium and light blues you see here.  Also, I will use soft white for the aran blocks you see.  I have way more than enough yarn to finish this and not need to substitute or modify muchly.

This quilt is for Friend Adria (and her stellar husband), who has made numerous appearances here in my journal.  The introduction of the Booty-Bug was due to her youngest child, my littlest friend who is getting bigger by the day.  Adria doesn't have access to the net, so she doesn't read my journal, so it's way ok to share my plans here {wink}.

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Happy Yellow House: Criss Cross Quilt-Ghan

  As pictured here, this quilt-ghan is an example of the criss-cross pattern found over at the Happy Yellow House.  I'll be using light sage for the black; the variegated watercolor, orchid, and rose for what is seen here in red/blue/yellow.  I may not have enough yarn so I may supplement and make the center of each criss-cross (+) soft white; but probably will stick with the light sage, to keep that color scheme intact.  I'm not exactly sure and will need to think on it.  I've some time to ponder tho.

This quilt-ghan (shhhhhhhhhhh, our secret, k?  wink) is for the Amazing Miss Monica.  I can say that here, cuz she doesn't read my journal (we eMail lots, and she knows about my journal, she just would rather have personal eMail; and frankly, I don't blame her).  Her favorite colors are light green and pink and any pastel combination.  So I bought those yarns cuz this is just perfect for her.

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dancing queen

lately, i've taken a break from audio book (mostly cuz i've not been crocheting these past few days).  so i've been listening to the radio.  and singing along.

i've even caught myself dancing, and that my friends, is excellent.

i used to dance all the time.  i may be a klutz, but i've got rhythm and can dance in such captivating ways.  so it's lovely that i've begun to let the music make me move.

g'n'nite, sweeterpeas!!

Ya Gotta Be

Sometimes, others say what you mean, what you feel; so why recreate the wheel?  Kudos to Des'ree.

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together

another one bites the dust, hey

Wow, I just did something that I was dreading and yet wanted to get out of the way.  So now it is done and I feel so much better, cuz I did it.  Let me explain.

I just spoke with Shitt on the phone and let him know that all worked out just fine since he had called to check about the key situation, and I felt that I owed him a courtesy call, cuz dude, it's not nice to leave someone hanging when they think you are in trouble like that.  I'm like that, tie up loose ends.

I told him not to bother sending me the keys cuz he's leaving the state next week and I doubt he will make it a point to drive my car off somewhere and abandon it.   I also told him that I've something to say that is not coming from a place of anger, that it is rational, and that even if he doesn't agree with me, I just want him to understand my wishes.  I told him that I don't want his guilt money and that it'd probably make him feel better but I am not his charity case.  I said that as far as I was concerned this call was goodbye.  He said that he wanted to call me again and I asked why.  He said that I (Debra) am still his friend.  I told him that friends don't do like he did.  I told him that I wouldn't be friends with someone who lied to me for over a year (that I know about) and was that disrespectful to me.  I told him that I may be a friend to him, but he is no friend of mine.  Then I told him that I wish him no harm and that with his mind on so many things, he needs to be extra careful driving right now, cuz folks who are preoccupied are more accident prone.   Then very cordially, we ended the call.

Guys, I am very proud of myself.  I stayed very calm and rational.  I did not lose control at any time.  So yep, I'm alright.

And well on my way to being better and finer all the time.

a tall yarn

In addition to the yarns that I've already spoken about, let me tell ya about the yarn that I picked up today for the Ancient Greek Games, over in Crochetville.  All of it is Red Heart, some Super Savers, some Jumbo, and some regular.  Here's a list:

6 16oz skeins of soft white
3 16oz skeins of light sage
2 16oz skeins of soft navy
4 7oz skeins of country blue
4 5oz skeins of watercolor (variegated soft greens, purples, blues, and cream)
2 7oz skeins of orchid
2 7oz skeins of country rose
2 7oz skeins of warm brown
2 7oz skeins of buff
2 6oz skeins sandy print (variegated creams and tans)
and the remaining (just over 5.5oz) aspen print (light blues, greens, and tans)

all the yarn listed above will be used in the three quilt-ghans described and pictured in an earlier entry this week.  all but three smaller skeins were bought today.  i'm pretty much ready for the crocheting marathon.  and i know who is getting what.  i'm not saying, til i'm done; sir-prize!

i'm really looking forward to working on the quilt-ghans.  It'll be a challenge to start and finish all three in sixteen days, but not impossible.  And it'll keep me busy.  I get to be creative, and I'm good at it and I get to express my appreciation by giving them as gifts.  good on me, eh?

doing the 'do

My hair is so right!  She cut it a bit higher in the back (I lost about 4 inches), lil longer on the sides so it slopes down on a gentle angle, and left the bangs at chin length for me.  Then she layered it and took out lots of bulk so that it would be a tad cooler.  It's so very cute and looks very good on me.  She loves it and kept getting all excited about it while she was snipping away and she could see the shape emerging.  I didn't see it til the very end cuz without my glasses I can barely see a vague shape that represents me in the mirror.  She said that my hair is perfect for this cut, and that this cut is made for my hair.  It's exciting when great matches are fit together.  grin.

I have to agree, it looks and feels wonderful and is better than I thought.  It suits me like a perfect cuppa tea.  It won't be hard to grow out from here, if that's what I decide to do; but neither does it look like it is an attempt to grow out and in that in-between stage.  It's sorta combination between a shag and a bob.  With an interesting angle.  The thickness of my hair gives the cut some body and texture, and it lays nicely.  yea! for me.

I've already gotten several compliments on it.  grin.  And that's good to hear.

Well, I needa shower, cuz dude!  105 out there and I was out in that all morning and a good portion of the afternoon.  Stankee.

flexing my coping muscles

This morning I went to the Co-Op cuz one can never have enough triple cleaned corn or saddle soap.  My insurance card was out, from yesterday's errands, and I wanted to put it away.  Since my air conditioner ist kaputt, I've been riding around with my windows open.  So I've kept my glovebox locked.  The same key that turns the ignition, unlocks the doors, the trunk, and the glovebox.  As I was turning the key in the glovebox lock, it snapped off.

Now, I do have spares.  One spare is with my landlord (an incredibly long story, that I will not repeat here), and they are in Louisiana, attending a funeral, some ten hours from here.  On the off chance that they hadn't left yet, I called, no joy.

The other spare is with the Shitt.  Since I wasn't thinking, I called him and asked if he still had the spare.  He did, but was less than the small sliver of a man I thought he was.  So I hung up while he was still undecided with what to do.  Given this past month, if I'da waited for his decision, I coulda camped out in the farm store and ate some sweet feed.

Then! I remembered, I have AAA for just such situations as this.  So I called them, again using the Co-Op's phone (they were so very nice and accommodating), and explained to the AAA folks that no, I don't have my card accessible, cuz yes it is locked in the trunk, along with my picture ID; but hey, here's my name, my address, my home phone...and by the way let me tell you what the problem is.  They wanted to tow me somewhere.

I pointed out that without a key, that is not a good solution, cuz uhm hello? I still won't be able to drive it.  Isn't locksmith services covered on my account?  Since I have the toppa d'line card, it should be but my list describing the services available to me is locked in the glovebox.

So they spend two hours calling around to find a locksmith that takes their card and was open.  Nope, no joy.  So I called the Dodge Dealership, which ironically, I could have walked across the tracks and thru the wooded line and been at the place; just a stone's thru away.  I explained the problem, gave them the VIN from my car and they made me a key.  Within fifteen minutes of the call, a representative was at the Co-Op with two keys for me.  He tested them.  I followed him over yonder, he removed the snapped off key portion that remained in my glovebox lock.  And all this with a smile, kindness, and no charge.

sigh.

So, kiddies, what've we learned here?  One, I can deal with stuff the same as I dealt with it a week and a half ago.  Two, re-affirmation that Shitt?  really is way less of a man than I'd thought.  Good for me to know.

My hair, uber-kewl!  I'd take a pic and post it, but, no webcam and now that I've bought yarn for the Ancient Greek Games and other luxuries like bleach and laundry detergent, I've three dollars to my name.  Life is grand!  I have no other needs pressing at the moment that can't be met some other way.

mad skillz?  i haz em.

d'uhm debbie d'uhm

My mail runs anywhere from 3-5pm, which means that today, I scooped up those checks, ran to town to cash them out and began to go place to pay things.  While I was stuck in traffic wasting gas I thought, dude, this stuff coulda waited til Monday, about mid-morning when no one else is trying to also go places to pay things.

Cuz today?  Friday.  Rush hour.  First of the month.  D'uhm Debbie D'uhm.

Everyone and their brother's dog was out there.  In this heat.  Tempers were running high to be sure.  I did as many errands as I could.  My method?  Pay bills til the money runs out then come home.  It works for me.

Cora at the power company was glad to see me cuz I kept saying, take your time, it's ok, there is no rush.  She snapped at one of her co-workers, I'm waiting on Debra, so just you hold your horses.  I like Cora.  And I think, she likes me.

The place where I pay the garbage bill ("solid waste") used to be a bank.  So it has these drive thru lanes with the pop out drawers and whoooshed! capsules.  The girl there has no idea that she doesn't have to scream thru the glass, that little microphone deal works just fine.  So I always feel like I am some old little lady with my hearing aids in flux.  It must be the gramma car.

Tammy my insurance agent frowned at me, cuz this was the first time in the six and a half years that we've been doing business that I was not able to pay the six-month premium.  She asked me twice to be sure that I was aware that I was paying the monthly amount instead of the usual lump sum.  But I wanted to make sure I had enough to put some gas in my car so that I could drive home instead of walking.  Cuz dude, this heat?  One.hun.dreaded.de.greeses.

I put forty bucks of gas in the car.  And my tank reads at less than three-quarters full.  eek.  sigh.  everyone's belt is tightened in every way.

Mr. Thin at the co-op was very happy to see me with one hundred pounds of dog food and frontline and copper sulfate to go.  They are all big ticket items and I always make him smile when I pop in.  Smiles are not comfortable on Mr. Thin's face, so I like to see the muscles stretch in unused ways.

Copper sulfate is expensive.  Fifty pounds?  $$95.  gasp.  But if it prevents those clingy roots from creating tightly woven webs that catch all the water from draining into the septic tank in such a way that my toilet water backs into the tub, well, then I'm all for expensive copper sulfate.  It was sorta weird, those clots of roots?  Looked like sod patches that people pay good money for to repair their torn up lawns.

I had a very nice visit with my landlord while I was paying the rent.  So now?  I thought about not going to have my hair cut tomorrow, but it's been months and uhm, that heat?  yeah.  I thought so.

Ya know, I like to take care of all the bills and errands in one quick run about.  It lets me breathe easier cuz I'm never late on anything and usually pay ahead of time.  Doing that makes me happy and it makes the folks happy to see me and my money.  Plus then I have an accurate idea of what I have left.

I won't be able to pre-pay my propane for this next winter this month.  Every August, the gas company runs their pre-pay plans.  If you don't sign up in August, you're screwed.  But, I can't pull that kinda money from my butt.  Well, no kinda money really.  Cuz that's just wrong.  Really wrong.

Ain'tcha glad to know the intimate details of my life's drudgery?  Yeah, me too.  Thanks for reading my attempts to organize my thoughts.

So, what's new with you?

apropos

Jesus shits!  And so do I.  My septic tank man pulled up in his politic truck with this witticism in curly cursive across the end of the tank:  A royal flush is better than a full house.  Once the tank was opened, he said, "wow, your shit don't stink."  Yes indeedy folks, it was a proud moment for me.  And ya take those proud moments when and where ya can.

Turns out that like I thought, there were a mess of roots and other lovely networks of fine lines grown across the end of the pipe so even tho the tank wasn't full, the system couldn't drain cuz of the living blockage.  So he suggested I use some copper sulfate to kill off those nasty clingy clogging roots.  I'll let you other septic tankers know how that works for me.

So in lots of ways it's been a shitty week but now?  I'm clog free.  And I wanna stay that way.

spinning and sputtering

Has anyone seen the commercial for a cell phone where the mother gazes at her new born crying, then that same baby a bit older and babbling away, then the girl as a child of three or four reciting the alphabet in speedily, then that girl a bit older as a grade school child having a running monologue about which subject she likes and why, and then the girl a little older yammering about this boy who is so hot and then finally the mother hands her a cell phone so that the girl can talk non-stop to someone else?

I think I'm that girl grown up.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  Even when I have nothing substantial to say.

time is on my side {yes it is}

  I love this scene.  It struck me as familiar on so many levels when I stumbled across it this morning.  But there was one particular thought that nibbled on my brain.  Then it clicked into place.  Hard as this is to believe, this picture is used on the cover for my favorite statistics book.

There are all sorts of songs' lyrics that have been occurring to me in the past week.  I've not mentioned many of them, because I thought it was rather trite to do so.  Well, fuck that.  Lately, the song that I keep softly singing when I'm not particularly aware of it, has been "time is on my side"; esp the version that was featured in the movie "Fallen".  It's a softer version that is sung by various characters, acapella.  If you've not heard it, give it a listen.  Pretty sure YouTube would have it, or watch the movie, it's a good story line that raises some interesting questions.

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invasion of the septic suckers

What a way to start a brand new month!  Yea!  With a clean slate, or at the very least, a cleaned septic tank!  You just don't realize how lovely a shower can be when you're sticky with sweat from the August heat til you cannot actually take one for fear of backing up your entire drainage system.  Or how difficult it is to resist flushing a toilet, cuz there is no where for the waste to go til you have to abstain from doing so for fear of needing to swab up the floor.

The septic suckers can't say for sure when they will visit, but they think they might maybe possibly be able to make it in the early afternoon.  This would be excellent, esp since my checks should come tomorrow and I have made an appt to get my hair cut tomorrow after my checks come.  The mail runs about 3p, so it'll be sorta tight to get there in time.  Altho, my hairdresser told me that she will just keep the business open late for me, cuz I'm special.  wink.  She's gonna give me the full treatment, and pamper me.

When I called her earlier this afternoon, she said that she's been wondering for months now where I've been.  She always cuts my hair for a really reduced rate, but even with that, I don't go all that often cuz I don't have money to be splurging on stuff like haircuts.  My hair is way too thick and needs thinning to get thru the August heat.  I'm not sure if I'm going with a chin length cut, or if I will continue to let it grow.  It's just now getting to the length that allows me to put it up.  I'd planned to let it grow, and have been doing just that for about six months or so.  But now?  I'm not quite sure.  One thing I can tell you for sure, I won't be caving to the shaving.  grin.

My mother called earlier today and she may be able to get here during Sept.  She wants me to come out there, but understands that that particular environment would not be relaxing or healing.  Particularly since she's find it a bit frazzling herself.  I've not seen her since last November, so I'm really looking forward to a nice visit with her.  I've got a ton of crocheted hats for donation for her to take with her (for the Children's Hospital in Little Rock).  I've made three shawls for her.  And a wide variety of smaller items, like dish clothes, hyperballic scrubbies, hotpads, etc.  There are still some things to finish up, but I've time.  Infact, you could say that time's on my side, yes it is.

A long time friend of 22 yrs, Brenda (who got married in May, you might remember) and I finally were able to chat tonight.  She's got lots of stuff going on, esp since the kids are trying to eek out the most they can of what remains of their summer breaks.  The kids here go back next week, but in Chattanooga they go back the following week.  Both her kids' birthdays are that week, and between back to school supplies and school clothes and all that, there isn't very much left for birthday presents.

I also caught up with a few other friends today.  In the last three days, I've spent much more time on the phone than I have in the last three years.  Everyone's been calling to check on me and make sure I'm ok.  Which is very reassuring and I do so appreciate all the care and concern.  This will not undo me, altho it has knocked me back a few paces.

All my sweetness, I thought, had soured, curdled, and withered but I realize that is just not true.  In part, it is that very sweetness that I thought destroyed due to such overpowering events here lately, that I'm still here.  My sweetness?  It's strong.  It sustains me.

Meet Erhmah, the other ijit. sigh.

 Imma Ijit laughs at herself.  Erhmah?  She's small, not substantial, and quiet.  She'd like to fade away; shame and guilt and low self-worth and the worst self-esteem possible makes her very shaky.  She thinks she's always wrong, always not enough, and always ready to fade from existence.  She rarely smiles and rarely opens her eyes and lifts her head and meets folk's gazes.  She whispers and cringes and cowers.  I know this slip of a girl very very well.  Perhaps better than Imma.  Isn't that so very sad?  yeah.  yeah, i know.

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oh that ripping wrath

Yeah, so yesterday, just as I was parking my car in front of my home, rain drops dribbled out of the swollen sky and I no sooner shut the door than the ripping overhead resulted in a huge deluge.  There was no thunder, there was no lightening.  There was however, wind and gales and all that other roaring tumultuousness.

I lost power, we all did, for over three hours.  A tree fell on the lines across the way.  The power company got out here in that wrathful weather and cut that tree up right away.  Of course, ten miles away in Starkville there was only calm dryness.

When I called my landlord to let her know that the water works is so backed up that my washer water is now draining into my toilet and my toilet is now draining into my tub {shudder}, she asked if I could stop by their place.  Now, my landlord is my neighbor, but the big house is about a mile from my home.  So, I hopped in my car and drove down.  I noticed that there were two very huge trees by where their mailbox used to be that were down.  And as I parked my car, I noticed that there were a total of five huge very old trees and a handful of smaller trees down.  Fortunately, no people were hurt, no equipment or possessions damaged.

I approached the big house with caution.  You may remember from past entries that they live in the oldest house in the county, which means that there are lots of very old trees close in to the house.  So I was worried that altho I didn't see any damage to the front of the house, that given how much damage to quite a few trees in the front area, that there must be trees down in the rear or sides.  But nope!  Their house is intact!  Yea!!


Since my landlord has a pyro-streak, I think he will be very happily burning trees for many months to come.  Then I had to go to town since I had an appt this afternoon, I kept my eyes open as I drove.  And on the other side of my place?  The entire tree line is down.  It looks like the gods were playing dominoes, the entire row lies nice and neat.

Unfortunately, the folks down the way, the ones that are building a new home?  Well, a good portion of the framing will need to be replaced.  Ouch.  At least, I don't think anyone was hurt.  whew.

'twas Rita Rudner, the mystery comedienne from a few entries back

  She's naked beneath her clothes.

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."


  "Rita Rudner is a witty stand-up comedian with a pillow-soft voice, speaking softly and carrying a big shtick. Onstage, her act combines shrewd observations about life and the world with a demeanor that makes you want to help her across the street. When she performs live, the mistress of well-heeled understatement puts her unique spin on such topics as marriage, babies, dieting and, of course, men."

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he's baaaaaaaaaaaack!

It's gonna take awhile of sketching til I get the hang of it again, it's been a year since I've done so.  Poor Le Mon, put aside, sigh.  Part of the reason I stopped drawing is because my sketching desk broke and I've not yet repaired it (need a drill and screws or small finishing nails and a nail gun~~a hammer would damage the surface further).

Special thanks to Russ

a quick sketch of Imma Ijit, cousin (I'm sure it's third or fourth cousin, five times removed or some such thing) with Le Mon.

just for today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and *not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.  *emphasis mine

For some reason, when I think about the second part of the above principle; I think of labor.  There was a comedienne who spoke about how there is no way she could even do something she really enjoyed for 36 hours straight and yet women willingly struggle thru intense pain to bring human life into this world and then say that it is pain that you forget.  Along those same lines of thought, I would not do something I love to do for twelve hours straight, so I don't feel at all bad about the fact that I may have to shorten that time period for now in order to get thru this colossal fuck-up.

The point is tho, that I can get thru the immediate future, without needing to plan out the rest of my life and how I will get thru that uncertain time-frame.  I do not tackle all my problems at once, even when there are all sorts of crises clamoring for attention right now.  It is good to have this reassurance reiterated.

{Special thanks to Anne, for reminding me that just for today is all I need address.}

wahoo!

I did not wake in to a progressing panic attack.  I'm not feeling completely calm, but comparatively?  I'll take it!  My lower torso is a stew of turmoil, but the embroilment is not so overwhelming and isn't infiltrating every other physical system (ya know, musculature, nervous, etc.) and my mind is not blown apart at this moment.  The noise of hurt, protestation, chiding, etc is still there, but has died down to a manageable level that allows me to be somewhat clear and able to function a bit better.

These last five days have been indescribable, altho I've attempted to use words to convey how I feel and think but there is not way to be adequate and yet, you have compassion and that is so very reassuring.  I appreciate you, dear loving loyal readers.  Thank you so very much for helping me remain sane while struggling thru this.

writing is how i think

Speaking is how I act.  Acting is how I believe.  Believing is how I trust.  Trusting is how I love.  Loving is how I live.

If I want to be assured of intelligent conversation, I speak with myself, and answer.


{The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.} ~~ Coco Chanel

just for today

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me"

I'd like to be unafraid, unpanicked, unanxious, unterrified.  So, for right this minute, I'm ok.  That's all I can commit to for the time, in this matter.

sitting in suds in my sleep

I've been feeling rather discombobulated of late.  So this latest fubar didn't even ruffle my fine feathers.  I went back to the bathroom to switch my clothes from the washer to the dryer and I heard flowing water as I walked down the hall.  For a very disconcerting moment I thought The Guy was here and pee'ing in the potty.  But, no.  That would have been very surreal.   And just so very wrong.

Instead, my washer drained into my tub and filled my toilet.  Suds were dribbling over the rim of the porcelain, flowing down like a miniature fountain.  I simply sighed, turned off the valve for the toilet and left the room.

Tomorrow?  I'll have a very clean toilet.  Sudsy clean.

Just hope it drains down a bit so I don't sit in suds in my sleep tonight.

bathing in the comforting outpouring of concern

I am so thankful that I've discovered how compassionate folks are with me.  I was not aware that so many folks care and want to be there.  In addition to you, my dear lovely loyal readers, I've been getting some very warm and touching eMail and IMs.  I've spent more time on the telephone these last three days than I have in all of the last three years, with folks who are so very caring and concerned.  I would like to reiterate how very much I appreciate you.

Thank you.

ack, omg, ack, pantpant

I awoke in a sheer panic this morning.  I hate that.  It hasn't happened for quite some time, but it is one of the most dreaded feelings for me.  This is because my body is already well within the process of panicking when I first gain awareness and then my mind begins to scramble to be sure that I'm safe and not in immediate need of fight/flight.  Then, it doesn't not abate, and for quite some time afterwards, my nerves buzz and my blood boils and my innards imitate enthusiastically played accordions.

Most folks experience mental distress, which prompts the attack.  While I do have those sorts of episodes (anyone who has spoken with me the last few days has witnessed this, since I've been engaging in heavy breathing as tho I am in the 26th mile of a marathon straight up an unpaved mountain gravel path); the more unpleasant panic is prompted by a bodily reaction which then triggers mental distress.  The reason this sort of attack is more frightening for me is that I feel I've less control over the physical reactions than the mental ruminations.

But it is most likely false to think that the panic I awake with is unprompted by mental processes.  I'm sure that my dreaming mind must be experiencing perceived threats and such, of which I'm unaware in my sleep.  Jolted awake with a tightening chest, scrambling frantically, throat locked in a scream, doom swamping me.

Sometimes, I hate being me.

imma ijit

earlier this morning (like ya know, 2am-ish or so), i realized that while i've been very vigilant about my medicine and drinking enough and sleep hygiene (well except ya know tonight) for the past few days when i was in my more vulnerable states...i've been a d'uhm debbie d'uhm.  sigh.  around 2am-ish or so (i am nothing if not redundant) i was pouring myself a some tea and juice when i realized that i've not eaten a damn thing since friday.

that's very very unlike me.  i've never understood that 'i'm so upset that i can't eat' and i honestly don't believe that i've ever forgotten to eat.  i like food too much.  and when i'm preoccupied, nervous, anxious, and other forms of upset; i usually tend to eat lots and ravenously and fast and the very act of mastication seems to soothe me.  so i actually stood there with the fridge open, staring at the bare shelves, trying to cast my mind about to ascertain what i'd last ate and when.  and i think, i'm pretty sure, that it was friday evening, when i had a mushroom backyard burger from batesville.

four friggen days.  i think i need to stop at the store tomorrow afternoon on my way home from the meeting at the library at noon-ish.  the weird thing is, i'm not hungry.  i know that i need to eat, my body needs it, my brain needs it, my meds need it, and it'd just be a damn good idea.

chide me, sigh, i deserve it.  but i'm gonna eat!  later today.  i promise.

surprise, surprise, surprise

It turns out, that maybe my wrath does know some bounds.  I need to process some of the recent events, but things may be not quite as bad as I feared.  Oh, not that 'my guy' and I will again be a 'we'; no, that would not be a very good thing (too much damage has been done and both of us realize how utterly unhealthy that would be~~besides, he has a new person in his life that actually seems to be an excellent choice.  he always said that if we broke up, he would want to choose my next man; but i must say that i think i approve of this woman.  she truly is very mature and seems to be quite level-headed.)

What I mean is that altho I will still be angry at times, I think that I am in a better place.  I think the major raw blustering storm has passed.  I don't think this calm is merely the eye of the storm (at least, I sincerely hope not), but that I am not as overwhelmed as I was.

I was terrified, and altho I am still scared, I am not feeling threatened and in need of protecting myself to the same degree as I've felt for the past few days.  I want to thank all of you for weathering thru this with me.  It is certainly not thru, not by a long shot, but I think I feel more assured that I can do this.

Each and every one of you have been so kind and supportive, encouraging and accepting and I want you to know how very much I appreciate you.

I will be removing some of my previous entries, as I have had such toxic anger spewing forth and I do not think that I can bear to have these recent posts as constant reminders of my wrath and rage.  'tisn't my way.  I've saved all your comments, and if I want to reread them, I can.

I've been completely devastated and know that there is a rough road ahead, but I think I can navigate it without becoming mired in muck.  To do that, I need to put these past entries aside, where they won't be a constant reminder.  None of you need feel that I'm so fragile that I cannot bear to think of this whole situation, it is what it is.

I'm ready to move on, taking the next step.  I'm sure I will come back to this horrid place for a visit, but I hope it is brief.  And if you haven't any idea what I'm speaking of because you've missed all the drama, drama, drama; count yourself lucky and enjoy some of my other entries.  Just chalk this up to a worthy woman's lesson.

appreciation

So dudes, I was looking back thru my journal cuz I was feeling the need to remind myself how witty I can be and how my Loyal Lovely Readers (compliments will make you continue reading, right?  right?!?) have such great reactions, ya know those chuckles, snorts, gasps, and tears of hilarity ya'll weep over my clever descriptions and turns of witty words.  And I found a ton of great comments.  And I wanted to say....

I appreciate you!

Dealing with Dragons

Today, I returned Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights unread (well, I read about two-thirds of Jane Eyre and none of Wuthering Heights); as I just didn't think it was very appropriate reading for me at this time.  Cuz dude, pining damsels in distress?  Got enough drama, thankewverymuck.

So I picked up ten books (the library's holdings) by John Lescroart, a legal-thrillmeister; and asked the librarians to recommend some audio books that do not deal with relationships and turmoil and crap like that.  They suggested the light-hearted, fun series by Patricia Wrede called "Enchanted Forest Chronicles"; of which "Dealing with Dragons" is the first book (sorta in the same way that the Hobbit may be considered the first of the Lord of the Ring series...or not.  depends on your view).  The fourth book was actually written and published first.  The rest, the back story, came later.  So now, you read the first book last.  Ya know?  That could lead to dilemmas such as should I read the books in order of the author's writing them?  In order of publication?  In order of the storyline?  Usually this sort of thing would make me think long and hard about the underlying issues and bigger questions of life, but at the moment?  I'm just gonna deal with the damn dragon.

oh those ancient greek games...

*this entry has been edited from it's original content, wed 30 july 08*

if you look to the left, under the 'about me' heading (well, under the pic of me a handful of months ago); you will see this icon:

I belong to Crochetville, a lovely site for crochet'ers (I seem to be stating the obvious lots lately, helps to reassure me that there really is objective reality that is not a guise for something else, something deceitful).  There are about 21,720 members; 7000 of whom are very active.  The good folks and administrators over there have decided to have a bit of a self-challenge competition that will coincide with the summer Olympics.

The idea is that you think of a project (or projects) that is a personal challenge to you for whatever reason (it could be learning and using a new technique; tackling a dauntingly large afghan or some other intimidating project; completing twelve hundred squares for donation to create afghans for the troops/homeless/poor/seniors/hospitalized; or knocking out a portion or all of your christmas gift list) to commence with the opening ceremonies august 8th and completed by august 24th; ya know, the time frame of the Olympic games.  So far, 136 folks signed on as athletes and there are even quite a few teams formed.  I'm sure that in the next ten days many more will join in the reindeer games that we play.

I've decided to participate, choosing three crochet quilts (or "quilt-ghans") as my personal challenge.  They are found at the happy yellow house site.  There is this one, and uhm this one, and oh hey this one.  Here are the pix that accompany the patterns:

      

When I decide on yarns and who is receiving what, I'll let ya know.  Because I've returned the loaned web-cam; there won't be any pix in the foreseeable future.  But with yarn samples and scanned clips, I'm sure that you can use your imagination.

I'm not sure who will get which yet; but since I like to think of that person while I crochet that specific project, I'll have to make up my mind in the next week.  The yarn will be chosen after I know for whom the afghans are intended.

so uhm that's what's on my calender this month.

the wrath of a worthy woman

this month is my fifth anniversary.  guess what i got?  a cheating lying despicable pathetic asshole who wants my forgiveness, for the third time.  not happening.   my wrath knows no bounds.

the stuff dreams are made of

My allergies are the worst they've been in quite some time; worse than when the world begins to bloom in the spring, releasing all their toxins, i mean pollens.  Even worse than in the fall when all the plant life mutates into dying, rotting, decaying mold and dust.  This morning, I blew my nose so hard that my right eye popped out and ricocheted off the computer screen and rolled under the bed {eeek, dustbunnies}; requiring a soaking in saline along with my sinuses.  My throat and ears are removable as well, allowing me to scrub and rinse them thoroughly.  Sooooooooooothing.  And also?  I can cough up my lungs and soak them in saline too, rinsing and wringing out all those lil nasty pockets where irritants might be lurking.  This is the stuff that I fantasize, cleaning my innards.

Yeah, I'm that romantic.

garter? or headband? BOTH!!

just having fun and messing around with various yarns, stitches, and techniques.  and i cannot actually use this, one...it's too narrow. and bee...it's not a large enough diameter/circumference.  but there it is!!

(as an aside, i actually hate to see babies with little elastic satin straps around their bald tender heads...what torture!)

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In the thick pink, for Cathy

*wink*

I made this pink headband this afternoon just a bit smaller than the pale green one posted yesterday.  I have very thick hair and it is very easy for me to stretch out headbands and have them pop right off my head, fly across the room and snap my guy's ass like a twisted wet towel flicked by a naughty pert girl.  grin.

 if ya look in the back ground, you'll see a portion of what i am working on for my nutella grrl!!  of course, when it comes together, i'll take better pix and explain it.  the reason my hair curves forward like that around the headband is because it's so thick (my hair, not the band!) and the weight of it makes it lay like that.  as you can see in the first pic above, it does that even when my chin is not tucked into my neck like a bird.

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Some tids and bits

The cat on loan has been returned and my sinuses and allergies are lots better.  Snake-A-Way has been scattered according to the intended purposes (cuz the label sternly instructed me to do so).  My guy and I poked about, and either the snake is crafty in his hiding abilities, or he has vacated the premises, heading for the rolling hills and fields.  I hope that's the case.

In a few weeks, my guy will be moving to Hazard, Kentucky for his internship year.  He has collected most of the data needed for his three month follow-up and the final stage for his dissertation.  He's kinda crushed for time, as there is so much to do and he's not so sure it will all be done when it needs to be.  I'm confident in his abilities and am sure that it will all be done with his normal skill and aplomb.

As far as my own crochet goes here of late, this is the first headband I've made.  I'm not sure how it fits, cuz I just washed my hair and haven't yet combed it out.  My hair is very thick and it needs to be thinned a bit, cuz in the summer, it is almost unbearable!!  I'm sorta proud of myself for not shaving it down to the scalp like I've done in the past, the last time was in June 2006.  I might maybe take a pic of my head of hair modeling the headband.  Or not.

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haluski

sometimes my guy really likes something i've cooked and he always seems somewhat surprised by that.  so, when i asked him to get a gallon of milk, a head of cabbage, and some onions; he perked up and asked if he needed to get some noodles for me too.  when he got back from the store with those things and a bunch of bananas, he asked if i was gonna make it now?  make it now?  ya gonna make it now?  even tho it was after ten at night.

so, angel hair pasta is done (this is not the usual sort of noodle found in haluski) and waiting in the colander.  two red/purple onions are sauteeing in butter, soon to be translucently perfect.  the cabbage is chopped and ready to go.

haluski will be served, for tonight, we dine well!

Cat on Loan

The phone service returned this evening, I have no idea what was so wrong that it took three days to fix, but there you have it.  Whilst I had no dial-up, I crocheted an octagonal baby blanket.  Pictures below!

Over the weekend, I plan to visit folks who left comments and such over the past few days.  So if I don't get to you by Monday, please let me know (I don't want to overlook anyone, tho sometimes it takes awhile for me to get to all the pages, esp since aol journals can take a long time to download for some reason).  Thanks, dudes!

Status on the snake?  It's not made another appearance since earlier this week.  The cat on loan is here and making herself useful in other ways.  I love cats, even tho I am very allergic to them.  This cat is not affecting me too badly, but I will have to return her after a bit.  I also got some snake-a-way.  Potent shit, so it says.  The label warns that any snakes trapped inside the parameter you treat will not leave because they won't cross the sulfur line.  So, since it is to rain over the next few days, and the label warns not to dilute the stuff, I plan to use it Monday.  Til then, the cat on loan can do her thing.  Also, I'll start going thru the house, cupboards, closet, etc. with intent to roust.

snakes! and cats! and books! *oh! my!*

So Tuesday afternoon I checked my voice-mail and then thought I'd better use the bathroom before I return any calls (cuz it's better than getting thru to the person only to have to go, ya know?).  When I picked up the phone to do that business after I did my other business, the line was dead.  I don't mean that open line dead space dead; I mean dead dead.

I thought my actual phone had become defective, so I went out to the box on the pole and tried there.  No joy.  So I went down to my landlords cuz I was gonna have to tell Lisa about the Damn Snake and the most recent encounter which occured Monday night whilst doing my laundry (I pulled the bed out and when I did that, my left hand closed around the snake, it was up in my box spring, just hanging out on the boards...i think it was waiting til the bleach fumes disappated from the bathroom where the washer is, the entire back half of my home was full of hot, humid, bleach fumes).

Long story just a tad shorter, it turns out none of us have phone service.  So Perry called the phone folk and they said that it may be Saturday before they can get out to fix the lines but they are aware of the problem sir and will take care of it when they can.  Since Tuesday, I've no phone service, which means no dial-up, which means no internet, which means no journalling.

But today, I hauled my monkey butt to the public library to get the first book in a series for which I already have borrowed the second book (and I hate to do things out of order that way), to check my eMail, to send eMail to those folks who would be concerned that I died of fright because that Damn Snake's shinanigans have proven to be too much, and then I saw that Russ that doodling dude has showcased my journal (thanks dude!) and folks have visited, some (hi, guys!!) even leaving comments (kenya magin?) wahoo!

Once I have my wits about me, and phone service, I'll visit folks' journals and update more details.  As it is now, I have borrowed one of my landlords' cats (even tho I am terribly allergic to them and Mystery is very very affectionate) to deal with that Damn Snake (cuz Mystery kicks ass and kills snake butt, she's a stealthy sneaky hissing snake ninja).  Since I am in town today, I plan to go to Lowe's to check out this Snake-B-Gone stuff (or snake-a-way) that Lisa told me about to see if that'd be a good thing for me to have and use.

So, ya'll be safe while enjoying your fourth activities and I'll catch ya on the other side!

no strewing allowed

Ya know some days you just know you shouldn't leave the house?  Or get out of bed?  or even wake up?

Well, I had arranged to meet with a woman next town over to give her the fifteen 12" granny squares that'd I'd done over the past week so that she could see them assembled into an afghan to give to some soul who is in need.  So first I drove to the library to exchange some audio books, and then I was gonna hop on the interstate and be on my way to Books-a-Million over in Columbus.  I shoulda not went the way I did.  I shoulda backtracked and caught the highway that way.  But shoulda-coulda-woulda here drove past the university when I left the library...past the state highway patrol...past an a distracted driver who coasted into my lane.

the key word there is "past".

I was in the left lane, as the right lane is usually full of folks who may turn at any moment into various roads and businesses.  Usually, driving in the left lane means I don't need to slam on the breaks because someone in front of me decided they just had to have that donut right now from this gas station right here.  Sounds like a good theory, but not today.

Today?  The sporty new black heavily tinted windows (watch for em) car in the right lane drifted (actually, i'd say veered, but i'm not sure if that's what they were intending to do...cuz damn, that's alotta drift) into my lane.  As in, the space my vehicle was occupying at that precise time.  Now, when two matters attempt to occupy the same space simultaneously, there tends to be a smashing crash with damaged and dented auto bodies and human bodies and spraying glass (from the auto bodies) and blood (from the human bodies).

I couldn't stop in enough time not to get involved in that smashing crash, so I chose the left shoulder to give some room to the sporty new glossy black heavily tinted windowed vehicle who was encroaching on my space.  Which would have been a fine idea, but for the sign posts directly ahead of me and my new path.  So I stomped on the gas, cleared the shiny new sporty black heavily tinted windowed car (whose driven was newly awoken and jerked back into the right lane while screaming quite loudly) and swerved back onto the road.  As soon as I got the fishtailing under control (seems like minutes while it's happening to you, but in reality is mere seconds...but no two vehicles can occupy the same space even for mere seconds, dudes), I looked around me and checked behind me.

No crashed up vehicles strewn the road.  No stalled vehicles strewn the road.  No vehicles strewn the road.  No strewing going on at all.

There was no hit, no damage.  In fact, the other vehicle didn't stop at all.  Until later, after they entered the new highway and I saw them pull off the road.

As I was saying (well, ok, exclaiming) as the shiny black sporty car was pushing into my space, "omg, omg, whathefuck is this?"  I've been saying that entirely too much lately, first snakes slithering in my space (and really, my hall, in my home?  my space) and now sporty cars slithering in my space (and really? my car in my lane, my space; that's why there are nice brightly painted  lines on the road surface).

Too much excitement for me.

My landlord came up this evening, with a contraption that had one of those handles that when you squeeze it, it triggers a mechanism which allows the pincers on the other end to close.  Folks use them to pick up trash.  Or snakes, apparently.

As I described and re-enacted the snake scene from last night (that was quite amusing, cuz I really did screech ohdamnohdamnohdamn omigawd whathefuck, as I jumped into the bathroom from the hallway).  My landlord stared at me in astonishment, yet again amazed that he has me for a tenant.  Then he looked under the chair sitting at the end of the hall, he poked and probed with the stick and shown the flashlight, in a manly man way.

Then he quickly threw open the back bedroom door, simultaneously flipping on the light, and jumping into the room.  I guess he was hoping for a sneak attack.  I'm pretty sure that if there was a snake's den back there, they all cleared out when I was re-enacting the scene from last night.

"ya know them snakes can be real crafty about sneaking into small spaces," he said reassuringly (?!?).  "Oh yes," I replied, "but hopefully, he ate the mouse that's been getting bold with my toilet paper."  "hm," he muttered absentmindedly, then did a double take, "what?"

So then I told him about the rather bold mouse that was chowing down on the hard plastic bakery box last week.  Mr. Mouse was so busy going to town, so pre-occupied that he completely missed the fact that I had approached the counter and switched the stove light on.  I could have reached out and plucked him up, had I wanted to.  Which I didn't.  I mean, free range mice are carriers of all sorts of vermin. 

But boy, you shoulda seen him jump when I flicked on the light.  Scared the shit right outta him, I did.  In a trail of pellets across the kitchen counter.

"So," my landlord asks nonchalantly, "is that where the toilet paper came into play?"

"Good one, but no.  The toilet paper has apparently been providing a nice nesting material for him.  I've not seen the nest.  But I've have seen some shredded toilet paper rolls under the sink in the bathroom.  Ya know, where I keep the toilet paper.  In the bathroom."  Looking at him oddly.

Quickly, he resumes his snake tales, "ya know, the snake in not poisonous {actually, I'm thinking, it's not venomous}cuz if it is as long as you say {peering at me sharply} then it isn't.  Those snakes are fat, but short."  {Oddly, I remembered Goldie Hawn's character's line in Overboard, "I was fat, and short?"}

I did not feel much better after he'd gone.  This is not thru any fault of his.  It's just, ya know, snakes are crafty.  And I do live in the middle of a hay field, which they have just mown today for the first cut of the summer.  They'll be baling it up over the next few days.  All sorts of critters' homes were disturbed, so I'm sure I have many visitors.

As long as the snake just slithers in stealthily and eats all those varmints, and then just as sneakily slips on out, I'll be just fine.  And he can stay in the back ground all he wants.  Just not the back bedroom, cuz dude, that's a little too familiar.

square it up

well, lately i've been a crocheting crochity curl.  here are a sample of the twelve inch squares that i've completed within the past week.  there are twelve of them.  altho only seven are pictured below, because i've done some duplicates of some of the ones pictured.  if you notice, fiveof them focus only on a quarter of the square.  this is to show more detail and not to be redundant since they are squares.  ya know, so each quarter of the square is the same as the other three quarters.  the one with more detail is because i wanted to show the cobbled bobbles.  There is another that was still in progress when i scanned it.

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cold hearted snnnnnnnnnnnaAKE

I was thinking that I wanted to call my guy.  Cuz I miss him.  Then I decided to go ahead and go pee first.   So I headed down the hall and stepped on a snake.  In my hall.  In the house.  In my hall.  In my fucking house.

Dudes, it freaked me out.

I think the snake was freaked too, cuz there was a horrible smell emitted in a sliminess.  and now, i'm really freaked.  cuz i've been smelling that smell on and off for a few days now.  and my imagination is conjuring hidden snakes slithering everywhere.  i cannot stop convulsing.  and sweating.  and every single freaking hair on my entire body is standing on end because my goosebumps have goosebumps.

it's the butler! behind the door! with the poker!!

I've been listening to an audio book which has a good plot and several good subplots and good characters and is just in general, good.  With the exception that there are some glaringly obvious (to me, anyway) events that make me wanna scream at the principle figures, "dudes!  don't be some dumb!  d'uhm dudes, d'uhm".

Normally stuff like that doesn't bother me.  I note it, but don't get all in a snit about it.  But here of late, I've been very irritable (and probably irritating too).  And I've been sniping at the cd, very much like I'm some crazed driver rabid with road rage.

Good thing my guy's not here.

pee.

I've been very thirst for a few days.  So, I've been drinking lots and lots.  And pee'ing lots and lots, often.  Which makes doing much of anything for any amount of time extremely challenging.  Case in point, my counseling session was interrupted more often by my bladder than my pregnant consoler's.  Between the two of us, a nice little path was worn from her office, across the wooden floored waiting room, thru the tiled entrance way, and down the carpeted hall (variety, i'm allllllllll about variety).

As quick as I can pour water down my throat, it escapes thru my pores is copious sweat.  And courses thru my body and flushes my cells and filters thru my kidneys and fills my bladder.  It's like I'm one of those doll babies that wets as you give it a bottle.

ain't ya glad i share stuff like this?

easy, they say. faster, they say. snort, i say.

Last night, I was watching Fox (cringe) "news" and they had a lil snippet about how there are scads and scads of Mississippians who didn't file for their stimulus boost.  So the reporter admonished us slackers to go on and claim the damn money wouldja, it ain't like Bush will be remembered for anything else positive.  I dug thru my paperwork and find the ssa-1099 that was sent to me this year (it's sorta like your working person's w-2, or your self-employed person's 1099; only it's for those of us that receive funds from the social security administration~that's where the ssa comes into the 1099 picture), along with the stuff that i had on the stimulus payment info which included five pages of directions and a sample 1040A and a blank form to fill out.

And i commenced to reading the documents which were liberally peppered with "do this except in this situation and only if you have blonde hair and were born on a tuesday" sorts of missives.  those super clear and easy statements that bring to mind those logic puzzles that start out with a few statements (like:  there are seven soups served on five days and two soups are served every day, but pea soup is never served with chicken soup and crab soup is only served with chicken corn soup) and then you're spoda figure out if Mary and Jim went all the way on their second date.  so you can see that i was really excited by the line on page 2, subsection B, indent * that read, "you too can go on line! and use our super! easy! and fast! website to file your return so that you too! can claim your stimulus payment!! yes! you can!".

i was thrilled and relieved to think that no! i wasn't gonna have to suffer! thru attempting to fill out a return when i'm at way less than my operating capacity.  first i went to the "just go to our www.irs.com website to file, it's fast! easy! and blah blah blah"  that's about as long as my attention span was.  blah blah blah.

once i got to the www.irs.com site, i couldn't find the "file here" (fast! and easy!) option.  eventually i got it, but i was thinking, maybe it'd be easier to just fill out the damn form and send it in.  but then i'd have to find the address to send it to.  so i persisted.

long story a tad shorter, it took me three friggen hours to file electronically.  the thing was, once i got started, i was afraid to stop and then send in the written form cuz ya know, the irs ain't playin' and i don't need them to be thinking i'm trying to pull a quick one on them by filing twice.  so i pushed thru the eFile.

dudes, i filed single.  no children (or any other dependents).  nothing complex like iras, retirement plans, service served, educational credits and deferments etc etc.  and i have one income source as seen by people's exhibit a (the ssa-1099 aforementioned).  and it is so far below any cut-off point that it doesn't even make it on the scene (sorry but $6804 may be a laughing matter for the irs's eFiling forms and created a snafu, but for me, that money is my money and all that i got~~so yeah, $300 is no chump change to this chump.  cuz it's what, about half of my monthly income).  you'd have thought that it wouldn't have been so difficult to file.  not even in my current state.

three hours.  damn.  but those are probably the highest paid three hours i've spent in a long long time.  (i used to charge more when i was a research consultant for private firms and universities~back when i could think about more than one thing at a time and follow the threads thru)  now i'll be able to pay my electric bills this summer and use that air conditioner as it was meant to be used, by god.

3hrs=$300
coolness?  priceless

ya putz de onyunz in de budder

Sometimes, I cook when I can't sleep.

I'm adjusting, slowly and almost painfully, to the reintroduction of the meds into my system and it's kinda touchy right now.  One minute, I'm wired and wide awake and fifteen minutes later, I'm exhausted and my eyelids have slammed shut.  Another not so fun loveliness is that my appetite will go from "omg starving ravenous dump the food in my gullet now forget the chewing stuff {that's for sissies}" hunger to "banish that smelly lumpy squiggly pasty stuff from my sight and let me fling the toilet lid up cuz i can only gag so much" aversion to anything that might faintly resemble a substance that i might willingly put into my body.  yeah, i'm that fun.

which means that more times than not right now, i cook something and then the minute it comes off the stove into my bowl, my stomach starts to twist itself tighter than a bread-tie and my throat slams shut, making my tongue swell like a smarting thumb caught in your car door.  this also squeezes the tears outta me and makes sweat pop outta my pores.

or maybe i'm pregnant.

nah, not a chance.  and i do mean that, not a chance.  lack of exposure will do that to a girl, ya know.  i figured since i'm covering a wide array of bodily functions, i oughtn't to leave procreation outta the picture.

so, i'm making progress, of sorts.  i chopped up some onions and dropped some butter in the pan.  sauteed those babies perfectly, just translucent as tissue paper.  added some shredded carrot, for the color and also because steamed carrots are very sweet without being overpowering.  it smelled great, it looked great...and then i added some dried tomatoes (muwah!) and tossed it all with a ton of angel hair pasta.  i say 'ton' cuz i can't seem to make a small amount of anything, and the sauce grew to a huge portion so i needed a ton of pasta to balance it out.  that's me, allllll about balance.  yeah.

and i snorkled an entire bowl with no rebellion.  now i just gotta work on my timing.  cuz i don't think i should be cooking and eating at 4:30 in the friggen morning.  especially not pasta.  with onions.  and butter.

at least i left the garlic in the fridge.  yeah, like that'd make all the difference between a very soothing dish and a snorkling pasta bowl.  snort.

Sometimes, I ain't all there. Or here, for that matter.

Yeah so last week, I realized that I was getting low on my meds.  But because my allowable refills all have different date and I hate that, cuz it confuses me when I go and they say to my monkey-butt (thanks, jerb) that I need to wait on these two til this date and this here other one to this here date and oh! that one doesn't even have a refill, ya twit.  well, then i can't keep it all straight.  i like it better when my Rxs all have the same number of refills and were filled on the same date and so can be refilled on the same date.

Yeah so, when I realized I was getting low on my meds, last week (pay attention); I dug around in my overflow and lo! and behold! I found enough meds of the right sort in the right dosages to last me til I can go and get everything refilled at once.  by "overflow", i mean those extra days worth of pills that you have every month that most prescriptions have built into them, as extra padding.  I take a lot of meds, for a long time, so I've got me my cushion fluffed nice and full.  Just for times like these.

'xepting, I didn't have extra-overflow-padding-cushion of one med.  and i wasn't paying attention cuz i had it all set up with the others.  ya know, my own lil six pack system, with the bottles lined up according to when i take what.  i've tried those lil pill sorters and all, but they actually goof me up worse cuz i don't see when i'm getting low.

well, that one med?  the one i didn't have?  the one i finished friday?  (k, i didn't say that before, but i just did)  I rediscovered what happens to me when i go without that particular med.  it ain't pretty.  and because the absence of that particular med in my system means that i have next to no mental acuity and way increased fatigue and confusion...well, i didn't link my off-kilter poor feeling with the absence of said med.  til tuesday morning.

d'uhm, debbie, d'uhm.

so now that i'm back on the med, more of me is here.  here i am!  ta-da!!

minty mint tea

Well, I now turn the air conditioner off, while making tea.  It seems that there is a little too much draw on the circuit and altho the breaker doesn't flip, the fridge does lose power and so to prevent that from happening, I just turn the ac off while the tea drips thru its tea pot (which is a drip coffee pot that has only ever had tea run thru it since I acquired it~~coffee drinkers who visit will find a small four cup pot for their coffee and the bigger twelve cup pot for tea tea tea!!).  I'm not exactly sure what's up with the breaker not flipping and yet the fridge losing power.  I've decided that's really not the issue, the issue is that by turning the ac off, while making tea, I can prevent myself from going thru the hassle of standing in the bathroom, moving the chair in the hall from one side of the bathroom door to the other side of the bathroom door and then squeezing into the room behind that and getting to the breaker box and then flipping all the breakers (cuz i don't know which one is the one the fridge is on) and then flipping them all on and then squeezing back into the bathroom, and moving the chair back from the other side of the bathroom door to the other side of the door and then checking to make sure that all is fine.

So, all that to say, the fridge is fine and boy am i glad!  one reason i am immensely happy is because i've been making pots of tea, pouring them into pitchers filled with ice cubes, and placing them inside the fridge because damn, it's hot.  i usually drink most of my drinks at room temp.  but! here lately i've not only been drinking my minty mint tea cold, but! also with ice, which is so utterly unlike me that my guy is sure that i am becoming more normal and less eccentric.

like that's possible.

that's the price of snobbee-cell-phone use, biotch

While I was out running my errands today, I realized that I had not mailed an envelope that I had meant to weeks ago.  So I went in the post office to buy stamps and also to mail off that note.  There was a short line, which since there is always a line at the post office (it's a government mandate), I was just glad that it was short.  The rather impatient self-important snotty i-clearly-don't-deserve-to-wait-with-all-you-people-tsk well-dressed, coiffed, made-up, manicured woman snatched up her ringing cell phone and commenced to have a very loud conversation all the while eying the rest of the customers and the two employees with profound distaste.

In fact, when it was her turn, she held up her wait-a-minute finger to the employee and then quickly spat 'out a book of stamps' and placed a twenty dollar bill on the counter.  When she received her stamps, she fished in her bag (not a purse, it was definitely her very fashionable 'bag'), turned on her tidy little bony high-heel and strutted out.

The clerk did not raise her voice to call after her, but very conversationally said, "would you want your change then?"  No one else in the line called out to get the lil snott's attention either.  Cuz twelve dollars in change?  That's the price you pay for snobbee cell-phone usage.

Kenya say, "comeuppance"?

my fridge thawth out

SO the other day, after I made my tea, I went back to bed.  I wasn't feeling so good.  Nothing new, just one of those days when I feel off.  When I awoke, I stumbled to the kitchen to pour myself a cuppa ambition, yawn'n stretch'n try to come alive...oh, wait, that would be if I was workin' nine ta five.

I opened the fridge and noticed my light was out and thought, 'crap, another light bulb to replace' cuz in the past few weeks, I've replaced six light bulbs and I only have ten light bulb sockets in the first place.  Then I realize that there is a funky offal oder wafting outta my dark dank fridge.  And then I opened the freezer, and the ice block from the roof fell and shattered into lots of little ice shards, spraying onto the floor, melting into lil puddles instantaneously.

I had to toss ev.ry.thing in the fridge, tho managed to save some stuff in the freezer (tho I am thinking the meat ought to be tossed, rather than chancing it).  Ev.ree.thing.

The silver lining?  I've never seen my fridge look so nice and clean.  And I needed to defrost my freezer anyway.

Earlier today, I went to the store, spent $162-and-some-change out of the available $165 dollars I had left over after paying rent, electricity, garbage (ya know, those essentials; the phone bill will wait til next month.  sigh).  Leaving me with two bucks and some change, cuz damn can I budget or what?!?  Lots of fresh veggies, eggs, milk, etc.  yea!!  I'm a healthy girl!!

Lisa's Thank-You Afghan

 Well, what started out as a small but heartfelt gift for Lisa (my landlady) to thank her for all the extras (like feeding my dogs, on those times when I do go elsewhere, like up to Oxford to visit my guy in his habitat) quickly grew into a larger more intricate project as seen here.  It started a couple weeks ago as a lapghan and is now an afghan that will generously fit her king-sized bed with a good overlap as all serviceable covers should have.  There is nothing quite so irritating as a blanket that just barely fits over the top over the mattress, unable to adequately cover the sleeping contorted form of two persons.  Especially if you are like me, where you like to tuck in plenty of extra around your ears and shoulders and a few inches tucked under you as well, making you into a sort of burrito with hair sticking out the top, propped on a pillow, emitting strangling gurgles which some call 'snores' but which I call 'sound slumber'.

Lisa loves colors, nice and bright cheery colors.  Lots of them.  And so I was liberal with the sunny yellow, the lime green, the deep orange, the too purple, the hottest pink, and the electric blue.  She also like combinations of texture and patterns, so I used lots of extra little bobbles and faces and bows and spirals and poofy puffs along with slip, chain, single, double, half-double, and treble stitches in rows and rounds and rounds within rounds.  Terribly busy sounding, but quite visually pleasing I think.  It brings to mind a sort of tropical theme.

Entirely too loudly cheerful for me, but perfect for her!

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hot makes me cranky

Yesterday, I heard a knock, so I went to the door and saw no one.  So I hollered, "hello?" and my landlord hollered back, "push the foam".  I immediately did as he asked, and pushed the foam.  Wouldn't you?

So yes, I now have a brand spankin' new air conditioner that seems to be working just fine, able to handle the fact that it is covering an open space of two rooms, the fact that it is in the kitchen, and the fact that there is poor insulation here in the trailer (what trailer does not have poor insulation, I ask of you).  I'm sitting pretty.  And cool.  And much more pleasant to be around.