Shame and Blame

"because there was a pervasiveness to the unhealed trauma that we all carried, our relationship never felt as deep or authentic as we wanted. There were countless ways in which we continued to reenact that trauma, by harming each other as well as ourselves."

          ~~Waging NonViolence's We need to build a movement that heals our nation’s traumas by Kazu Haga 

Shame is a horrible feeling, to inflict on ourselves and others.  It can create huge fractures and fissures that become faults which lie beneath the surface of our relationship with ourselves and with others.  Brené Brown speaks to shame and the devastating shunning that some ONE can do to themselves by allowing that shaming judgment to continue to exist, by creating a division in which a person shuns a part of themselves, scolding and chiding, pushing it away, ignoring it, as tho that part does not exist, and a person cannot fully love themselves or even accept themselves completely, if they are labeling that part as bad, or weak, or shameful.  That shame resurfaces and resurfaces stronger the more you try to quash it and deny it.

There are ways to examine those parts of yourself that you may have been ashamed of, that are nonjudgmental and involve a huge amount of compassion, curiosity, and kindness.  If you are struggling with a shameful part, then perhaps seek assistance, someone who is trained to help you navigate your way toward healing and developing a healthier relationship with your whole self so that you can have healthier relationships with others as well.  Otherwise, you will most likely stay engaged in the cycle, the rut, that is wearing you down.  You will continue to experience negativity within yourself and continue to perceive interactions as negative, even if the other person is not acting in such a matter.  And you will continue to engage with others who do pass judgment and attempt to shame you and others.  Nothing good has ever come of shame, as the very nature of shame is to generate more and more negativity.

Shame is a very different beast than guilt.  Guilt is something you can learn from, it is something you can accept and yet still move on to do better next time.  Guilt allows you to hold yourself accountable, for you to acknowledge that you are responsible for whatever it is that you are guilty of, and then to correct your mindset, your behavior, and do better in the future.  Good things can come of guilt, of you recognizing that this occurred, that you did such and such, and that it was hurtful, to yourself and possibly to others, depending on what action that was.

Some feel shame not for an action they themselves are guilty of, but for something done to them.  They may feel like that would not have happened if they were stronger, or less weak, or not so vulnerable, or if they had kept their guard up...as tho they allowed this unspeakable act to occur to them, that they are so ashamed of and must now ignore; blaming themselves in some way for some hideous treatment they've received and can barely bring themselves to face because of the deepseated shame they reexperience.

Silent secrecy is a hallmark of shame.  This is a strong reason why I urge you to seek a trained therapist who can provide you with the safe space to speak, to work thru your own thoughts and feelings surrounding that, and who can help you navigate the hard work that building and healing your relationship with yourself and others.

Not everyone deserves to hear your story, your tender vulnerability, because not everyone is trustworthy and able to contribute to your healing.  Some will hurt you, or are not in a safe place themselves, or are unable to hear you because they themselves are thrown off balanced and into a pit of despair and anger or other knee jerk reactions are triggered and so are unable to provide a safe space for you while holding themselves in a centered fashion that is necessary in order to truly allow you to work thru your grievances.  So choose wisely to whom you seek solace and succor, healing and health development.

Knee~Jerk Reactions

 Recently this article was shared with me and I've been reading and reading it, thinking a lot about some of the points that it discusses, and sharing the article itself and some of my thoughts with others.  Sometimes we have a dialogue, yes.  But at this point, it's mostly me thinking things thru for me.  As writing is a form of thinking for me, I thought it would be good to do so here, in this blog format.

There are many points to consider, so I plan to take it slowly, and most likely in the order of the thoughts that are occurring as the article progresses.  But before I begin to examine that, let me say this...

For me, knee jerk reactions of protestations, anger flare ups, hurt cries, or other forms of lashing out usually are my cues that there is a nerve or even a bundle of nerves being trod upon or otherwise inflamed.  When I experience them, I usually catch myself and think, "hold up here, debRAHHH, what'd going on with you?".  Chances are that there is some issue that is ready to be dealt with rather than quashed down, shoved aside, or otherwise shunned and ignored.  Often the first reaction is a protective part that is masking a deeper more complex set of stuffs within me that I might need to set with, really examine, or may even need assistance with doing so.  For me, that assistance often comes in the form of a Licensed Professional Counselor, who is trained, qualified, and has the experience to be objective, compassionate, and hold the space for me to process this in a safe place while knowing that I can be me, fully allowing myself to express myself without filters and knowing that my own wobbly offcentered hurt or anger or shame will not pull her into reacting along with me in hurtful, angry, or shaming ways.  She stays centered in self, helping me to navigate the teetering process of regaining my own balance and coming to a better understanding of myself and the world around me.  It's been a huge piece of my growing process and while at times it can be oh so messy and painful, it has been worth every kicking, screaming moment because most of the times now, I experience so much more joy in life, more content satisfaction in the present with less overall tension, anxiety, worry, panic, depression, and more meaningful contentment, health, and peace of mind.

There are many forms of assistance that also helps me in this process, including my loved trusted friends and partners, such as my husband, several friends, and a few groups which are focused on healing, health, or some particular aspect such as better communication.  It truly does take a village.  Yet there are times when I do fumble, stumble, inflicting pain on both myself and others.  Sometimes that takes a lot of reparations, authentic apologies, and damage control afterwards, when I am able to do so.

Sometimes I need to pause and question how much of the hurt others are experiencing is something I can claim tho, because I am not responsible for someone else and how they choose to act or react.  While there is no doubt that I might influence or affect them, often it is their attitude and mindset that already exists that is providing their filters thru which they are viewing my words, deeds, and so forth.  I can choose my own words and actions carefully, yes; ultimately tho, it is still that person's choice and not mine.  I control my own though and behavior only, which means that I can only be responsible for my own acts and reactions.

This has been something that I repeatedly learn and relearn because I often feel responsible for another person's upset with me.  I may think, "what did I do wrong?" or say wrong or should I have said or done this instead or perhaps not said or done anything.  I begin to doubt myself and second guess.

While checking to be sure that I am in a healthy space, that I am being authentic, that my motivations and intentions are good, and so forth can be extremely important to provide myself with checks and balances, I need to be careful that I don't then slide from the positive healthy place of practicing these things to then go into a unhealthy counterproductive place of thinking that somehow I am control or am responsible for another.  Because that is usually what it boils down to, most of our disagreements, conflicts, and confrontations...for both those within ourselves and with others, at either a one on one personal relationship or the grander larger scale of being a part of a group, community, or even the USAmerican society or human race in general.

Sometimes, the most useful question to ask to determine whether I am being authentic is am I trying to fit in or am I belonging.  Am I acting in accord to how my true self at the core is or am I lashing out in hurt and anger, or trying to fit into this group by acting in a manner that I think will be perceived in a way that they will find appealing so they will like me or that I will gain what I want, which tends to be acceptance and belonging? 

Most of us long for true acceptance and belonging.  And to get there, to truly do that, it starts within ourselves.  And that is an excellent place to begin this article's discussion, which will be continued in the next post...

Venerating Our Veterans

Some of my clearest memories of Veterans' Day are watching my father bear a flag, in the parade, up East Main Street's rather steep hill to the old cemetery at the very top for the ceremony that would follow.  Every year thru my teens, at 11:11a on 11/11, the area vets would being to march from the parking lot at the Catawissa VFW and head up thru town with dignity, receiving much respect from onlookers.  My father is a Vietnam Vet, and like many who served there, had gone to do his patriotic duty and then quickly grew disillusioned, horrified, and has struggled with internal conflict for decades since then.  There is a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, and jaded sourness.

So when I was growing up, my own views were shaped by watching him and listening to family discussions revolving around critical thinking, questioning, not blindly accepting, etc.  Anti-establishment was one way to describe it accurately.  I've a healthy dose of skepticism that can veer wildly into the unhealthy realm in a heartbeat.

When I met my husband, I learned a LOT about career military from an insider's perspective.  This family is well on its way to being a military family, as both my husband and his youngest son are longhaulers and I have a feeling that several of the grands will choose to enlist as well.  I've gained a fuller appreciation of what exactly the Coast Guard does, and what their spouses and families experience.

And I have to say, wow.  Kudos to our military families.  While I do think that we can streamline and more effectively spend our funds for the military, I am so impressed with what it is they do and how they do it that I do question what else it is that I think I know, that I really don't have an accurate picture of.

Thank you, to all our Veterans.

Lil Debbie Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote. See Lil Debbie Vote? She Votes. Vote, Lil Debbie, Vote!

 Ah, November, of which I have been a proud baby since 1970.  Yes, that means that in just two weeks, I complete my fiftieth year and celebrate my birthday.  But why wait for a day?  I've been celebrating for a year!

I kicked off the last full year of my fourth decade with gastric bypass surgery, read more about that in the last several posts, if you like.  This morning, I weighed 158, which is in the same territory as my husband, who stays between 155 and 160 pounds.  I'm wearing smalls in some tops and mediums in other styles.  The pants could be size medium, sixteens if jeans, or 34s if in inches~~different manufactures measure differently.

This picture is of me at age four; it was my maternal grandmother's favorite picture of me.  That blue sweatshirt was my favorite at the time and so were the plastic yellow barrettes.  The full picture shows my elbows sitting on a carpeted photographer's stand with my lower arms crossed in front of me and my hands unclasped.  I think I remember the photographer arranging them and then commanding, DON'T MOVE.  And I didn't.  Except to smile, cuz that's what you do for pictures, debRAHHH.  And you do what you're told.

At that time, I was Debbie to most and Little Debbie to my paternal grandfather, who always reminded me that Lil Debbie owned her own bakery and worked hard and had cupcakes and other goodies.  I was puzzled about why he bought Archway's soft cookies in packs of nine then.  Did Lil Debbie do something wrong?  Did her cupcakes and cookies not measure up?

I was sure that they got it wrong, because the girl pictured on those boxes of individually wrapped goodies had dark curls, wore a straw hat, and looked nothing like me.  Well, she was white and she smiled, but that's about it.  I looked more like the Sunbeam Girl, pictured on the loaf of bread's sleeve.  She was blonde, bareheaded, and her curls were not natural.  She wore blue, albeit a dress, and smiled, looking positively ecstatic about the buttered slice of white bread she was holding.  SHE was Debbie, I was sure.  I mean, I wore blue, and my favorite dress-for-good dress was blue.  And mommy sometimes curled my hair when I wore that dress.  Therefore, it was the Sunbeam Bread Girl whose name was Debbie, like me.

That's the sort of reasoning we engage in when we are four.  Or thereabouts.

But when you grow up and your brain fully develops, you have gained some life experiences.  Hopefully, you gain some knowledge from reading; you do read, I mean, look, here you are reading this post!  Let's not forget that you also learn from observing others' experiences.  That is assuming that you actually learn from others' experiences and don't need to go do the same things to learn the lessons first hand, recreating the wheel as it were; some actions have the same results no matter who does them, when, where, or how often.  You and I and pretty much everyone else are capable of thinking, processing, and predicting.

You know that chances are that the girls pictured on the products do not own the companies, nor the bakeries, nor did they wrap those goodies up.  While they might eat them, they probably don't look thrilled each time they see a slice of bread or open a Swiss Roll with the weirdly waxy chocolate colored shell.  In fact, you might even realize that there is a strong likelihood neither are named "Debbie".

But you probably don't waste time thinking about such matters, because you probably don't care.  Well, not about those products, on that level.  They just are not worth your time, energy, or effort.

So let's briefly focus on something that is worth your effort, a product that does affect you on all sorts of levels, in all sorts of ways.  Candidates for governmental positions, the folks who may represent YOU and your vote, the people who decide on laws and interpret policy to then build onto, thru amendments.  This might be your local governments such as mayor, aldermen, or city council.  It could be the state's senate or governor and so forth.  And for sure the representatives you send to Washington as well as the President of the United States of America.

If you are like me, you've pretty much stayed away from the news, other forms of media, and televised debates in the interest of maintaining sanity and keeping a cool head.  If you have been fully engrossed and engaged with the political scene and all its pundits, reactions, and reactions to those reactions, bless you.  I'm sure that you have a ton of thoughts to process, observations to weigh, and decisions to make.

There are many places here online to see what's on your ballot and then work backwards to see what each candidate stands for, how they have voted in the past, and what they are saying they are likely to do in the future.  Here are two that I will be looking at for information so that I can walk into the volunteer firehall about a mile down the road and place my votes with more confidence in all open options:  Vote.Org and Ballotpedia.Org

Decide what is important to you, your core values, your preferences, your perspectives and views.  Consider your options.  Look past the branding and glossily slick images of downhome, aw shucks family photos, sweaters or power ties and stern faces meant to convey serious decisiveness.  That's packaging meant to sell you a product.

Consider the actual product, the person, the candidate.  What are their stated views?  Do their voting history and actions support that?  If no, why not?  Really take a look and consider the options here, not just 'well, the other side wouldn't get onboard'.  What sort of experience do they have and why/how is that important to you?  Are they likely to do what they say they will or what their history has shown to be so?  Don't just consider that one time back in 19xx, but review their usual trend.  What is the reasoning they cite for their current action {or inaction}?  Is that likely to be something that you feel comfortable with continuing?  And every step of the way, think about your own values and opinions.  Is this candidate representing YOU?

You probably already know whom you will vote for as President.  That might be based on a wide plethora of factors that you feel strongly about.  But what about all the other positions and races that are on the ballot?  Have you considered them?  What about the measures and proposed codes that are on the ticket this time?

I know some have already cast their vote, good on you.  I know that polls are going to be fraught with tension, lines, wait time, etc.  Go vote anyway.  Be patient.  Stand in line.  Be kind.  Keep a cool head.  It's ok to read your book while in line, to talk to your neighbor, to meditate, to review your list of to dos, to create your next design, to do oh so very much while waiting in line.  Keep your mask on, properly {over the nose, folks, please, most of moist, warm air you exhale is filled with a variety of germs, toxins, and eliminated waste; this is the season of colds and covid and other contagions, oh! my!  be considerate of others and reduce the potential spread, in this case, please do NOT share the moist warm air, thanks!}.  Let tensions flow and ebb AROUND you, instead of swallowing that and letting those tensions affect you.  And vote.

Vote.
Vote.
Vote.

It's Steel Our Anniversary

The eleventh anniversary is steel, which makes me think of my cousins in Rochester, NY who weld found items of scrap metal into creative pieces of art.  Cliff and Karen have taken what began as a hobby and shared it with others, turning it into a passion that will endure for generations as the artwork is passed down within the family.  They steel are rockin' it!

Today, Jerry and I celebrate our eleventh anniversary; it's the first time since we got married that we are HOME for our anniversary.  Usually, we are traveling.  For the first decade, we'd been in Natchez, at the Bluff Top B&B on Clifton Ave.  But then Neil Varner, "proprietor, head cook, and botttle washer" died and we decided to change things up and go elsewhere for last year's anniversary.  I was not quite two weeks post bariatric surgery, so we wanted to take it easy and do something that allowed for lots of rest and relaxation.  We went to Memphis, stayed in a converted garage made into a small cottage thru AirBnB.  We went to the Georgetown's Friend's of the Library store, browsed for ages, bought stacks, and enjoyed tremendously.  We visited the Pink Palace {Memphis's planetarium}, where we were one of two couples ~~ it was like a private showing!  The local train depot had been converted to a soul kitchen and I was able to eat some of the creamed beans, southern style of course.

Today is special to us always, as it is our anniversary, yes; but why did we choose this day in particular?  For several reasons, actually.  It is Jerry's second marriage, his first wife and he had just celebrated 29 yrs when she died, which was startling and difficult for all concerned.  Their five children were young adults and building their own families, stepping into various elements of their lives that would change and grow thru the following years.  No one is fully prepared to lose their mother, but these kids had no time chance to wrap their minds around this as the accident was horrid and death was difficult.

I met Jerry three years later, when he was 53.  I had just turned 38.  We clicked immediately and enjoyed ourselves immensely.  When we did discuss marriage, it felt like a foregone conclusion, an inevitable event on the path we were chose.  As we were both adults, having become the people we were, we felt that choosing an autumnal date to wed would reflect how we viewed ourselves and our relationship~~sacred, hallowed, and in the well seasoned portions of our lives.

Since Jerry has been in my life, I've become much healthier, all the way around, but especially with regards to my mental health.  The safety and security of the environment that we've created and continue to generate has allowed me to relax, grow, explore, strengthen, be curious, learn more about myself, and become a person who I truly enjoy being.  He's very supportive, enthusiastic, caring, loving, accepting, understanding, willing to try new things, willing to learn new things, and always encouraging.  His love knows no bounds and is enduring, comforting, exciting, delicious, and surprisingly refreshing.  Steel.

Gratitude Journal

 So another special moment that occurs this week is that it is one year post bariatric surgery for me.  I know I have spoken about that before, so I won't belabor the point here.  However, here is a pic that Jerry took of me before I headed back to bed.  I was just feeling off yesterday, not any one thing, just tired and a bit nauseated with a touch of dizziness.  So this weekend is spent mostly in bed, sleeping, resting, and some reading but mostly not~~esp as I had a hellacious headache that is only just now fading a bit.

However, the other day, I mentioned Gratitude Journals and wanted to continue in the vein of writing and forms of both thinking and writing.

I think most of us are familiar with daily gratitude to some extent, whether it is a review of the day and listing five {or some number} of things that we are grateful for that particular day.  It could be an actual object or person or idea or event or the weather or something that didn't happen or something that did.  It could be your own inner attitude or perspective or having had patience for someone else that might usually be someone you would not normally have patience or tolerance for.  It could be that you are thankful for someone else extending some grace and understanding toward you.  Maybe some stranger stopped to help you with a flat tire or gave you the dollar you were short of at the grocery store or your child slept thru the previous night for the first time in a month or you had enough milk to add to your coffee or your realized that you are thankful for your ability to breathe today.

Some folks do this as a matter of course, give thanks for the food they eat.  Perhaps their prayers have become a matter of rote and yet today, they truly became mindful of their abundance because they saw someone who went without.  Maybe you know that you might have narrowly avoided catastrophe when you decided to stop at the yellow light instead of speeding thru it, as you normally do.

Gratitude journaling can be about any and all of that.  I like to do mine in the morning tho, so it does NOT contain the things that actually did or did not occur, like that I've written of earlier.  Doing my gratitude journal in the morning means that it puts me in a better frame of mind for the day.  Mostly, my gratitude journal consists of particular presence in my life that is constant and consistent.  So it is feeling gratitude, being thankful and grateful for my husband, my friends, my health support network, my home, my financial security, my health, my ability to think, my wit, and so forth.

Being grateful first thing in the morning helps to frame my mindset for the day so that I am more likely to greet various elements with happiness and acceptance, with an open heart and open mind, versus already dwelling on what isn't right, or just, or the dreaded must~do tasks that can overshadow and taint everything with a bit of sourness that twists the stomach and tenses the body.  Being happier and healthier means I get to be ... healthier and happier, it's a cycle that feeds into itself and sets me into a better stronger place to deal with any pitfalls or stumbles thru the day in a better way, a way that I choose to greet the day, making my day, my day.

If you don't already do this, or something like it, give it a try for two weeks, just to see what happens for you.  Then let me know what you think!  Was it worth the trial test run?  Will you continue to do it?  Did it make a difference?  How did you feel as compared to how your days progressed prior to giving it a shot?

You don't need to devote lots of time to gratitude journaling.  Just three to five minutes.  I am grateful and thankful for....

1900 & Counting

 Here it is, midOctober, and I am thinking of various events and circumstances that are important at the moment.  Taking it to a micro scale, since most of you are aware of larger issues like covid19, USA presidential election, and so forth, I'd like to share some changes this month marks.  Personally, focusing on my own person, literally figuratively, of course, means that I'm a bit more than half the woman I had been last year.

I am one year post bariatric surgery, have been about 160-165lbs for several weeks now.  I'm smaller in the torso than I have ever been as an adult; wearing a size small in USA terms, which is about a 4 to 6.  I'm wearing a large in pants, a size 12 or 34/36.  My thighs are a bit loose {*gasp* loose!??!?  but are they cheap AND fast?  cuz that'd be the perfect trifuckinfecta, right there!} and there really isn't anyway to wear something that fits in the waist without being too tight in the thighs at the moment.  Then again, there is really no way to wear something that fits in the torso without my shoulders seeming to be disproportionately broad.  My mom always did say having broad shoulders was a good thing, solemnly nodding.  This is one more reason to wear clothes that are fitted, specially tailored JUST FOR ME, customized to fit my specific body and frame, meant to fit and flatter my figure.

The ONLY benefit that I can see for being obese is that my bones are thicker and stronger, since they carried around lots of weight.  However, that benefit is easily outweighed by the number and severity of potential risks and hazards.  Simply put, the detriments of being obese are not worth it.  Esp since stronger thicker bones are attainable even if one is not obese:  exercise, engage in frequently occurring physical activity, build your muscles and tone your body, increase the oxygenated blood circulation by moving your body, eat healthy foods, laugh often, and be sure to drink lots of water and get lots of restive sleep so that you are truly caring for yourself, your body, your spirit, your mental health, your emotional wellbeing.

So what does this title "1900 & Counting" refer to?  Over the past fifteen years, I've blogged publicly; sometimes I'd go thru and prune the entries, editing or deleting them if they are no longer relevant and meaningful to either me or readers.  So even tho my current blog considers this to be my 1900th entry, it's actually been many more; but these are the posts that have thus far survived.  Tomorrow it may be less, if I were to decide to trim more.  Or tomorrow, there may be more posts, if I blog more between now and then.  I won't make any promises as I know that often intentions and plans mean nothing without action and the resulting consequences.

In the next 77 days, I'd like to make a hundred more meaningful posts; this will bring my blogs total to 2000.  I'm seven views shy of 75 thousand, these are counted by unique hits and exclude my own forays; this gives me a more accurate idea of genuine interest versus someone merely refreshing the page to artificially inflate numbers.  At the moment, the blog has 2621 comments.  I delete those that are spam or bot originated.

Well, debRAHHHH, reading these last two paragraphs, it seems like you're in it for the numbers, the equivalent of FB's likes and thumbsUP; is that so?  Hm, I think that the blog has changed over the years.  At first, I blogged to process my own thoughts and points of view, sharing those and becoming part of an online community {way back with AOL had Journalland and John Scalzi was the blogfather, having yet to publish his Old Man's War, and Athena was just a tyke, and Ghlaghghee {pronounced like it's spelled, "fluffy"} was the equivalent of the librarian's cat}.

That's when I first realized that for me, writing is a form of thinking.  It's also when I realized that folks like my writing in general {Judith HeartSong awarded me a piece of her original artwork for the best written accounting of "how art affects my life" contest held back in 2004} and that gave me a true voice, when I was having a difficult time within many of my real time interactions, often feeling overwhelmed and overpowered.  Over the years, my blog has been very instrumental as my true self has been captured here, with  full range of happy joyous expression, frustration, scorn, disgust, encouragement, support, cheer, deliberation, celebration, depression, manic leaps, reflection, etc.

I've also published lots in the earlier years, then skipping over huge swaths of time with a tiny blurb here or there.  AOL did away with Journals, Blogger/Blogspot allowed folks to transfer and transition, audiences shifted, frequency, fervency, and FB were factored in and the impact of each can be seen, of course.  What does this mean NOW? 

Well, my recent past has been filled with me writing lots via FB's messenger/chat/PM/DM with particular individuals rather than engaging in creative writing, novels, manuscripts, short stories, etc.  Blogging is a nice combination of the two, something a bit deeper and more significant than, "hey there, thanks for reaching out and being proactive by asking what it is that you'd like to know!  You asked me to explain...and here's an explanation that will give you a better idea of....thanks, have a lovely day/evening/weekend" but not as personal as a card, letter, eMail.  Part of my daily routine for so long has included writing, in some form; so I'll continue to write, tho I think that shifting the format in which I do write is right for me for right now.

Right?

How do you use writing in your life?  Remember to consider texting, typing, longhand, email, cards, notes, etc.  Do you leave notes for your roommate on the kitchen counter?  Pack a post it note with the kids' lunches?  Leave yourself a reminder on your steering wheel {"GAS, debRAHHH"} or in lipstick on your bathroom mirror {SMILE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL}?

Did you use crayons to journal as a child?  Do you still?  Why do/not you do so now?

Next up:  Gratitude Journal!